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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to vent about this? (Money and in-laws, joy)

71 replies

SisterSage · 10/04/2015 22:17

Will try to keep this as brief as possible but will probably fail. Essentially:

We saved up the deposit for a one-bed flat, and were starting to look when I found myself pregnant. We decided to keep renting, but then parents and PIL, all independently as both sets acrimoniously divorced, offered to help us bump up the deposit so we could stretch to a 2 bed flat. Very kind of all of them and very much appreciated.

We had an offer accepted- my parents and FIL transferred money, wrote letters for the mortgage company stating it was a gift, non-refundable etc. MIL did nothing, and as it was getting near crunch time DP asked if she still felt able to help. She said absolutely, that the money was coming out of a bond or something and would be with us in a week or two, and in the meantime here was her letter, and to go ahead. So we exchanged contracts- paid 10% deposit- and then MIL said the money was delayed. We couldn't pull out without losing the 10%, so my DF offered to lend us the amount MIL had been going to give us on the understanding he would get it back in a couple of weeks.

Basically - it never appeared. MIL never mentioned it. DF was going loopy at me as he needed it back but refused to talk to MIL or DH- I was going loopy at DH on DF's behalf but he just kept saying MIL wouldn't let us down. Anyway it hit the three month mark and I told DH it had to be sorted- so we emptied our overdrafts, filled up his credit card, denuded our last remaining savings and paid DF back. MIL swore blind she would pay us back as soon as everything was sorted. Then said actually she's sorry and there is no money.

So we are now more in debt than I ever contemplated being. We would never have bought the bloody flat if our parents hadn't all offered to help!! If she had said she couldn't help if wouldn't have mattered- but based on her offer we have ended up in this ridiculous situation. It's going to take forever just to pay off the credit card , then we've got the overdrafts to deal with before we can even think about building up savings. Things were already tight with new baby and mortgage but it's now just awful.

If you've reached this far you deserve a medal - AIBU to be annoyed? I don't think I'm being entitled - we never asked for the money- it was freely and unexpectedly offered but perhaps we should just have refused help.

ARGH. I think what annoys me most is she doesn't even seem that bothered- no apology or acknowledgement she's landed us in it rather!

OP posts:

maddening · 10/04/2015 22:20

Yanbu at all - she had plenty of time to pull out before you were obligated or liable to lose a lot of money. Mil is an idiot.

NoSquirrels · 10/04/2015 22:22

Oh poor you! Not Unreasonable to need to vent about that, no.

What does your DH think? As the money was coming from "his" side, is there any way your FIL would lend you enough to pay off credit cards at a mutually agreed interest rate? And (and I appreciate it's probably galling to be asked, as she's totally done you over, really) is your MIL in financial difficulty?

MsVestibule · 10/04/2015 22:24

No, YAabsolutelyNBU!! You'd have been fine renting, of perhaps buying a smaller 2 bed with the help of your other 3 parents. Has she given ANY explanation at all? Is this typical behaviour for her? It sounds bizarre.

SocialMediaAddict · 10/04/2015 22:26

Bloody hell. What a nightmare. I second asking FIL if he can help at all.

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 10/04/2015 22:27

Is she 'odd'?

Sounds like weird controlling behaviour. It's quite an extreme thing to do.

Did she know from the start there was no money?

NiceAcorns · 10/04/2015 22:30

Has she said why? Was there ever any money, or was it all a lie?

traviata · 10/04/2015 22:32

is new baby here yet?

if not, could you manage to take in a lodger for a couple of months?

(if so, then congratulations )

OhTheDrama · 10/04/2015 22:33

YANBU, what an awful situation to be put in. Do you think she offered as she felt she had to keep up with her ex husband but got a bit out of her depth? Either way it was a silly thing to do and she should have come clean about there being no money much sooner. Does she know how much financial difficulty this has put you in?

Charlotte3333 · 10/04/2015 22:34

Oh no, that sounds like an awful situation she's put you in, has she spoken about why, have you asked? It might sound patronising but try not to blame your OH for it; go at it together, come up with a plan how you're going to handle her, and I like the suggestion of asking FIL if at all possible. At the very least she owes you a huge, huge apology.

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 22:36

Did she somehow feel she had to say she would contribute because the other parents were doing so? Still a horrendous thing to do to you.

Original poster

SisterSage · 10/04/2015 22:38

I think she is jus exceptionally flaky. As far as I understand it from DH (whose own understanding is limited by her refusal to discuss it) after she and FIL divorced she 'hid' her money in various accounts abroad. She claims that she had this money in some Swiss account which other people also had access to (ex-business contacts?) She claims they have taken the money as they thought she was dead, and she has no redress. I think this is bollocks all sounds a bit odd, but because it's his mum DH is taking it as gospel. Generally speaking I like MIL. She's funny, and kind, and a brilliant grandma to DS. But I have no idea what the flying fuck she was/ is playing at. FIL has offered to lend us a bit to help with the credit card but I'm not sure a new round of robbing Peter to pay Paul is really what we want to do. And I can't even talk to my parents about it because my DF would be mortified- he thinks MIL has paid him back. And my DM already hates her (grandma competition) so I don't particularly want to add fuel to that fire. I do however want to beat my head against a brick wall. Repeatedly. And then beat MIL with a brick from said wall.

OP posts:

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 10/04/2015 22:42

Yes, the business contacts thinking she was dead is bullshit.

AlpacaMyBags · 10/04/2015 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt · 10/04/2015 22:46

It was a shitty thing for her to do.

She should have come clean about the absence of any money weeks ago.

What is she like at keeping track of her finances? Could she have cashed in the bond (if it ever existed) years ago and forgotten she had done so? Having worked in financial services, I can tell you that such things do happen. It isn't unknown.

That is no excuse for not having kept you advised though.

Original poster

SisterSage · 10/04/2015 22:48

I know, Joffrey. Unfortunately, knowing that has a certain chocolate teapot quality. I'm not even sure if DH actually believed it but he says he does. I know he's feeling very let down and defensive so I'm not really talking to him about it except in terms of trying to plan how to deal with it. So fed up with it all.

OP posts:

Financeprincess · 10/04/2015 22:50

Yes, the stuff about the Swiss account sounds like bollix.

It's utterly bizarre. What did you say when she made the "sorry, there's no money after all" announcement, and was she sheepish about it?

AnxiousWreck · 10/04/2015 22:50

Yeah, business story is rubbish.

I'd say either she's in financial difficulty, or she didn't want to be the only parent not contributing, so she offered and hoped that for some reason she'd never have to come good on the offer. A misguided belief that the sale wouldn't go through, or someone else would step up with money, or she'd be able to borrow it from somewhere? Then she had to come clean when you increased the pressure, because it had already dragged on for so long.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2015 22:50

YANBU.

Original poster

SisterSage · 10/04/2015 22:51

She's very secretive about her finances. And everything really- we don't even have her address. She rents from a friend and always comes to us. We know none of her friends- nothing about her life really. She always seems to have enough cash on a day to day basis but I've no idea where from or how. I was actually very surprised that she offered to help and kept prodding DH to check if she could actually afford it...

OP posts:

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 10/04/2015 22:51

Well, you can do practical stuff.

Make sure the credit card is 0% interest and just chisel away at it.

Could you get a loan and kind of consolidate the debts so you have one debt and not bits here and there. Might be a less stressful way of doing it.

NoSquirrels · 10/04/2015 22:52

Um. That's the weirdest story ever from MIL.

OK, best to disengage from any money talk with her ever. But you must say to your DH now that he must NEVER lend MIL money. She sounds like a financial disaster waiting to happen to you, and you guys should be on the same page about this.

If your CC isn't already 0% then there are some good deals around at the moment for long terms. And if that's not possible, then a loan from FIL that's at a lower rate than the CC but (maybe) higher than he'd get in savings, with an agreed repayment term, wouldn't be robbing Peter to pay Paul, it would be pragmatic.

On the bright side, you have a good size place to live, and you'd have spent more in the long run moving 2 times, so maybe focus on the good points?

I really really sympathise with the venting, though.

ROARmeow · 10/04/2015 22:52

Wow, OP, that is really terrible! YANBU at all!

Is MIL someone you see often?

If her bottom line is: I've no money and that's the end of it, then you'll need to think of a way to move forward without (open) bitterness for the sake of your DH and DC.

If she starts to talk about fancy holidays overseas and new Prada handbags then I'd be asking her wtf she's doing with her money.

At the end of the day it's her money to use her way, but if she strung you along for months and has landed you in the shit then she needs to realise that is not okay.

CrapBag · 10/04/2015 22:52

WTF!

YADNBU. I don't know how you can stand to be around her. She screwed you over and had plenty of opportunities to come clean about this.

I'd force her to discuss it or tell her to fuck off. Your DH is being a bit wet about this. It's his mum and he should be confronting her.

So on your behalf.

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 10/04/2015 22:53

How can you not know her address? I'd go mad with curiosity and probably follow her home.

And her finances sound fascinating...

Original poster

SisterSage · 10/04/2015 22:54

Financeprincess- I said nothing because she texted. It literally said something along the lines of 'sorry but looks like money won't come through after all. Apologies'. DP showed me the text then wandered off to change the baby, while I sat .

OP posts:

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