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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to vent about this? (Money and in-laws, joy)

71 replies

SisterSage · 10/04/2015 22:17

Will try to keep this as brief as possible but will probably fail. Essentially:

We saved up the deposit for a one-bed flat, and were starting to look when I found myself pregnant. We decided to keep renting, but then parents and PIL, all independently as both sets acrimoniously divorced, offered to help us bump up the deposit so we could stretch to a 2 bed flat. Very kind of all of them and very much appreciated.

We had an offer accepted- my parents and FIL transferred money, wrote letters for the mortgage company stating it was a gift, non-refundable etc. MIL did nothing, and as it was getting near crunch time DP asked if she still felt able to help. She said absolutely, that the money was coming out of a bond or something and would be with us in a week or two, and in the meantime here was her letter, and to go ahead. So we exchanged contracts- paid 10% deposit- and then MIL said the money was delayed. We couldn't pull out without losing the 10%, so my DF offered to lend us the amount MIL had been going to give us on the understanding he would get it back in a couple of weeks.

Basically - it never appeared. MIL never mentioned it. DF was going loopy at me as he needed it back but refused to talk to MIL or DH- I was going loopy at DH on DF's behalf but he just kept saying MIL wouldn't let us down. Anyway it hit the three month mark and I told DH it had to be sorted- so we emptied our overdrafts, filled up his credit card, denuded our last remaining savings and paid DF back. MIL swore blind she would pay us back as soon as everything was sorted. Then said actually she's sorry and there is no money.

So we are now more in debt than I ever contemplated being. We would never have bought the bloody flat if our parents hadn't all offered to help!! If she had said she couldn't help if wouldn't have mattered- but based on her offer we have ended up in this ridiculous situation. It's going to take forever just to pay off the credit card , then we've got the overdrafts to deal with before we can even think about building up savings. Things were already tight with new baby and mortgage but it's now just awful.

If you've reached this far you deserve a medal - AIBU to be annoyed? I don't think I'm being entitled - we never asked for the money- it was freely and unexpectedly offered but perhaps we should just have refused help.

ARGH. I think what annoys me most is she doesn't even seem that bothered- no apology or acknowledgement she's landed us in it rather!

OP posts:

wowfudge · 11/04/2015 08:02

I think I'd have told DF she hadn't given you the money before I'd scraped the funds together to pay him back for the extra he lent you as you may have been able to pay him back in instalments and it will come out eventually. But you weren't to know she'd lied and had your reasons not to tell him at the time. Concentrate on minimising the interest on your repayments now.

She has put you in a terrible position - I don't know if I could have any kind of relationship with someone who had done that to me.

ememem84 · 11/04/2015 08:33

Yeah I'd be furious. And would probably tell my parents.

shewept · 11/04/2015 08:38

You need to speak to your dad asap. I am sure he will understand you were taken in as much as he was. No one would assume the money wasn't going to turn up.

But bloody hell, Swiss bank accounts that her exhusbands business contacts raided. Seriously? Is she a russian spy? What does fil say?

shewept · 11/04/2015 08:42

Dhs family are a bloody rubics cube. I have no idea what goes on over there. Dh actually missed out on his inheritance from his gps, the reasons of which we never actually found out and for some reason he feels he can't question it. Pissed me off, but I was gutted at losing the grandparents at the time. I adored them as did dh. His mum (her parents) wasn't that fussed because she 'does get emotionally attached to people, because people come and go' .

Jengnr · 11/04/2015 08:43

Does anybody else want to know more about the other weird things they do?

Dontunderstand01 · 11/04/2015 08:51

I worry about money a fair bit... if I got into debt because of someone elses lies I aren't sure I could let them be in my life. It is a cruel thing to do that could impact your life for years. I admireyour positive attitude. I couldn't imagine not knowing where she lived! I am thinking spy too!

shewept · 11/04/2015 08:53

I have learned to smile and nod and keep my utter confusion at how they all manage to function in society and how DH is so inexplicably normal at bay.

I could have written this myself. I even said the same to dh last night when he was mentioning them. Me and dh split a long time ago for about 6 months. During this time he booked to take dd away with his mum, dad, sister and her dd. We got back together and he asked if I wanted to go. I told him I couldn't get time off work, I prob could but didn't want to go.

Anyway, when it came to it dh travelled to the airport with dd on his own, i asked why and he said 'they like to wait till check in is almost finished' . I assumed that they didn't like waiting in the airport. Turns out they don't even get on the plane until the airline starts announcing 'can passengers 'smith' please come and board as the flight is leaving' . Due to this dh booked his and dds flights separately. In the end he made the flight and they didn't. So dh went away for a week with dd on his own. Wish i had bloody gone in the end.

Topseyt · 11/04/2015 08:59

Bloody hell!! OP should not have been made to justify how she became pregnant unexpectedly. Nobody else's business. Smug and nosey posts like that are uncalled for.

OP, your MIL hardly sounds trustworthy now. You not even having her address must mean things are seriously messed up.

Tell your own parents about the whole situation. Perhaps your Dad would have been more open to the idea of being paid back in manageable installments had he known.

SpringTown46 · 11/04/2015 09:00

First: stop covering up for her. Tell your father. Apologise for misleading him - he will understand why you did so. This sort of stuff thrives on secrecy and just becomes more and more poisonous over time. It puts you in a position of collusion. It is important too, that your husband understands that such awful behaviour will not be hidden out of a sense of social 'niceties'.

Second: Make sure that MiL knows the consequences of her behaviour on her son's family. Spell it out, no emotion needed. By text or email, so it is recorded. The reason for this that it will help you put this aspect to bed and move on. The situation is what it is, and you will deal with it.

Third: Did your husband have any reason to consider that she might let him down? Does she have a history for example, of delusional behaviour? Manipulation? Criminal activity? Would FiL know? I think you may need to reflect on this a little.

shewept · 11/04/2015 09:00

Bloody hell!! OP should not have been made to justify how she became pregnant unexpectedly. Nobody else's business. Smug and nosey posts like that are uncalled for.

Agree with this. We all know how people become pg and know the reasons why sometimes it happens unexpectedly.

Baddz · 11/04/2015 09:00

My parents had form for this.
Ironically now mum actually has the money (my dad died and left her well off) she seems happy to see me struggle.
Most odd.

Kundry · 11/04/2015 09:05

I would totally tell my parents. Otherwise being the family secret-keeper would eat me up in side.

Also it doesn't bother me if my parents hate my ILs if they deserve it.

I'd find it difficult to ever be civil to MIL again (but I can hold a grudge a long time - OP you are probably much nicer than me )

Every time she gave the GC a gift I'd be saying 'We'd rather have our depositi back'.

Koalafications · 11/04/2015 09:16

Agree that OP shouldn't have to justify how she got pregnant. We are all adults aren't we? Then we should be acutely aware that no contraception is 100% reliable.

OP, YANBU. I can't believe your MIL's behaviour. If it were me, I would tell my parents and FIL, too. I wouldn't hide this disgraceful behaviour on her behalf.

TheLittleMagician · 11/04/2015 10:47

Got to agree with the last few posts, poor you OP.

Corygal · 11/04/2015 10:55

I'm with the others on telling your parents too - discreetly.

Weebirdie · 11/04/2015 11:00

I wouldn't tell my parents because it would mean humiliating my husband in the process.

As for MIL - I think there's a lot still to unfold its going to be very sad.

WhyHasTheGinGone · 11/04/2015 11:02

YY to posters keeping their noses out of OP's reproductive business and taking their smug judgeypants elsewhere preferably very far away

OP your MIL sounds like a piece of work. I agree you need to tell your parents. Hopefully you could work something out which works for everyone and allows you to avoid being stung by interest charges. Even if you can't, they will still want to know. You're still their daughter and I know my parents would be crushed if they found out I thought I couldn't go to them with my problems when I needed support, financial or emotional.

eddielizzard · 11/04/2015 11:02

yes, i would tell your parents, without your dh around. he's obviously very hurt by this. you may never get to the bottom of your mil, and i would also be tempted to tell her exactly how screwed you are as a result of her reneging.

editthis · 11/04/2015 11:28

How dreadful. However, if your FIL is in a position to help you out with your debt on a temporary basis, I would take him up on the offer. Even if you pay him interest, presumably you would rather it went to him than the bank? Hope it all works out OP and congratulations on the baby.

Noodledoodledoo · 11/04/2015 12:25

Have a look on the Moneysavingexpert websites for tips and ideas for how to clear the debts. Somewhere on the site is a way in which it tells you which debts to focus on first etc to minimise fees, interest etc.

I find there forums really useful for ideas. Some people are very extreme in the money saving ideas - putting themselves into enforced poverty to pay off mortgage - but there are lots of helpful tips.

Viviennemary · 11/04/2015 20:03

It's all very well saying it's nobody's business the OP got pregnant but babies do impact on family finances. It was wrong of the mil to promise money and then withdraw it. But perhaps she had second thoughts as to how much she could afford to give. I know it's fine in hindsight. But really it would have been better to wait till the money was in hand before actually completing the house purchase.

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