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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to vent about this? (Money and in-laws, joy)

71 replies

SisterSage · 10/04/2015 22:17

Will try to keep this as brief as possible but will probably fail. Essentially:

We saved up the deposit for a one-bed flat, and were starting to look when I found myself pregnant. We decided to keep renting, but then parents and PIL, all independently as both sets acrimoniously divorced, offered to help us bump up the deposit so we could stretch to a 2 bed flat. Very kind of all of them and very much appreciated.

We had an offer accepted- my parents and FIL transferred money, wrote letters for the mortgage company stating it was a gift, non-refundable etc. MIL did nothing, and as it was getting near crunch time DP asked if she still felt able to help. She said absolutely, that the money was coming out of a bond or something and would be with us in a week or two, and in the meantime here was her letter, and to go ahead. So we exchanged contracts- paid 10% deposit- and then MIL said the money was delayed. We couldn't pull out without losing the 10%, so my DF offered to lend us the amount MIL had been going to give us on the understanding he would get it back in a couple of weeks.

Basically - it never appeared. MIL never mentioned it. DF was going loopy at me as he needed it back but refused to talk to MIL or DH- I was going loopy at DH on DF's behalf but he just kept saying MIL wouldn't let us down. Anyway it hit the three month mark and I told DH it had to be sorted- so we emptied our overdrafts, filled up his credit card, denuded our last remaining savings and paid DF back. MIL swore blind she would pay us back as soon as everything was sorted. Then said actually she's sorry and there is no money.

So we are now more in debt than I ever contemplated being. We would never have bought the bloody flat if our parents hadn't all offered to help!! If she had said she couldn't help if wouldn't have mattered- but based on her offer we have ended up in this ridiculous situation. It's going to take forever just to pay off the credit card , then we've got the overdrafts to deal with before we can even think about building up savings. Things were already tight with new baby and mortgage but it's now just awful.

If you've reached this far you deserve a medal - AIBU to be annoyed? I don't think I'm being entitled - we never asked for the money- it was freely and unexpectedly offered but perhaps we should just have refused help.

ARGH. I think what annoys me most is she doesn't even seem that bothered- no apology or acknowledgement she's landed us in it rather!

OP posts:

Corygal · 10/04/2015 22:56

YANBU. I'm going to be the first person to say that's a filthy thing to do. A nasty lie. DH may struggle to accept that as it's his mother - fine. He may not have to, but you do.

At the risk of stating the bleeding obvious, never allow her near so much as a fiver of your finances, or ever give details of your financial decisions, ever again. Don't share much info in the future.

She'll be after money from you next. But in the meantime, take heart. You've got the flat and you can pay off the debt. Grit your teeth and enjoy the new baby - much more important.

GraysAnalogy · 10/04/2015 22:59

YANBU

Her pride has meant you've got yourselves into debt. Thats not on

NoSquirrels · 10/04/2015 22:59

Ah, OK. Cross-post.

My DM has a "friend" remarkably like your MIL. Won't give out address etc. Very shady finances, debts everywhere. Her son is often distraught about it. Very nice woman, but just . . . terribly unreliable.

Make clear to your DH that you will NEVER lend money to his DM as a family.

Viviennemary · 10/04/2015 23:01

She shouldn't have promised you money she didn't have. And this found yourself pregnant. Why did you not wait till you were in a more secure position financially. I think there are faults on both sides tbh.

Financeprincess · 10/04/2015 23:03

She TEXTED???

She's a coward as well as a fibber, then. I bet your husband is mortified...if not, he should be!

You can take some positives from this. When you've made a decent dent in the debt you can look back and laugh bitterly. At least you've got the flat and won't need to move again for a while. Courage, mon brave.

Agree with other posters who have advised you never to lend her money! The address mystery suggests that she is constantly moving between safe houses to avoid loan sharks (joke...I hope).

PeppermintCrayon · 10/04/2015 23:03

Sorry but I am going to go against the grain and say YABU. Yes, she did a shitty thing but you should not have spent the money when you didn't have it yet. You shouldn't have exchanged.

Original poster

SisterSage · 10/04/2015 23:04

I am genuinely trying to focus on the positives- and there are lots! We have a lovely flat that we would otherwise never have bought, and yes the not moving twice is a good point, and we now know never to mix money and MIL again.

And ohhh you have no idea the curiosity I have. I feel bound at this point to state that not knowing where MIL actually lives is one of the least weird things about DH's family. I have learned to smile and nod and keep my utter confusion at how they all manage to function in society and how DH is so inexplicably normal at bay.

OP posts:

Corygal · 10/04/2015 23:04

Squirrels - I'm with you on this one. Never let MIL use your address either.

Sounds to me as if she had a decent divorce settlement, spent it, and is now in a rented room desperately trying to keep up appearances. That's awful, but it doesn't help dragging you into her mess, which is what makes me cross. How old is she? Does she work?

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 10/04/2015 23:07

Oooo, tell us the bonkers stuff about his family.

I love gearing about people's bonkers relatives because it makes me feel better about my own.

Original poster

SisterSage · 10/04/2015 23:07

Viviennemary I had a coil failure, if it matters? And we were financially absolutely fine renting! Perhaps we should have put buying on hold- but it never even occurred to me our parents would let us down. Mine both have their foibles but the idea that either of them would promise money that didn't exist is laughable. And DH assured me his parents were the same in that regard.

OP posts:

PeppermintCrayon · 10/04/2015 23:08

Erm, you believed DH given how obviously shady your mil is?!

Original poster

SisterSage · 10/04/2015 23:11

Yes. And yes I now realise that was bonkers. I blame the hormones/ sleep deprivation.

OP posts:

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 10/04/2015 23:11

Did she offer after she heard her ex and your parents were?

I think yanbu. She should never have made a promise she shouldn't keep and although someone a bit wiser might have waited until they physically had the money before exchanging I would think most people would do would you did and trust.

I would tell your parents the truth, sort something out with the credit card (loan/0% rate) and concentrate on just getting it paid down asap.

Corygal · 10/04/2015 23:11

SisterSage - you can hardly blame yourself! I shouldn't think DH had much of an idea MIL was planning to let you down either.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/04/2015 23:14

How much did she promise OP? Is it a figure you can recoup in a few months or will you struggle for years? Is remortgaging an option? You need to get the money at the cheapest possible rate of interest don't you? So unless you can get a zero rate credit card or a cheap overdraft, shopping around for a loan might be an idea.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 10/04/2015 23:16

Hitachi loans do insanely small rates. Their ads are plastered all over London tube at the moment.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 11/04/2015 00:38

What a hideous situation, OP. You sound remarkably calm about it all. I think I'd have gone NC with her by now, what a cruel and nasty trick to play! And the Swiss bank account thing is absolute BS. I once had something like CHF20 in a Swiss bank account left over from when I was a student on placement there and they wrote to me ten years later saying they'd noticed the account was inactive and how did I want the money sent on!

I'd also tell your own DF exactly what has happened and he may well be able to help out. I really don't think colluding in MIL's lies is helping anyone. And why should you? She has royally screwed you over when you have enough to deal with with a new baby on the scene.

Does DH really have so little to say about it all? Didn't he think, given her dodgy 'no address' behaviour (WTF is that about?!) that something like this might happen? You obviously had no way of knowing but he must have had an inkling? All very strange and really wouldn't sit easy with me at all. Good luck sorting your debts.

chanie44 · 11/04/2015 07:22

Poor you OP.

I know others have said that you shouldn't have exchanged without having the money, but if I was on your position, I would have gone ahead, on the basis of trust.

I hope it gets sorted.

Missda · 11/04/2015 07:26

My mother is like this...

Missda · 11/04/2015 07:26

YANBU

CaptainSubtext · 11/04/2015 07:34

43percentburnt · 11/04/2015 07:46

If you were my dd I would want to know. If I could pay off your overdraft/cc I would then you could pay me back each month and not incur extra fees and high interest rates.

I would Definately find a way to help and I'd be upset you didn't tell me. Not being funny but if you ran into financial difficulty because of it the deposit your mum, dad and father in law gifted would also be lost.

TendonQueen · 11/04/2015 07:47

Agree with telling your parents. They will be more hurt later when they find out you've been struggling and kept that from them (and it will come out). Plus when someone behaves badly oddly like this, those around them have often been conditioned into not telling others about it, keeping their secret so they aren't embarrassed or accountable - I would steer clear of that certainly with your own family and not allow it all to be normalised.

straighttothepoint · 11/04/2015 07:58

I can't believe you haven't followed her home to see where she lives. I would do, sh could be living in a hovel or a mansion.

Didiusfalco · 11/04/2015 08:01

Bloody hell OP, you're a better person than me. I would be furious and struggling to be civil to her. She has completely dropped you in it with her deception.

Second the pp saying to tell your own parents, they might be able to give some practical advice and if nothing else it could be cathartic for you. Why should you cover for her? She's got you in to a horrible situation.

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