To be pissed off with his slack timekeeping

[peacoat]

So. Every time I tell my DP our leaving time (e.g. 9am this morning) he takes longer to get ready. This morning he was 40 minutes late. Last week we left 1.15 late to go somewhere as he just potters about uselessly.

To be fair, they weren't terribly urgent places we had to go, but it's so frustrating.

Perpetually late people drive me nuts too.

But it is interesting how some people just are "faffers" and have no idea at all how to plan their time.

My Mum was always a bit like this. When we went to stay with her, if she was cooking a Sunday dinner and said "It will be ready at 1pm" then you would be very lucky if you were sitting down by 2pm. This was despite the fact that she had put the meat on at about 9am. And before anyone asks, yes I did help out as much as I could. "Can I do the veg for you Mum? Would you like me to make the stuffing? Shall I set the table?"

Yes she wasn't sitting around chatting and forgetting the food. She just seemed to drift around the kitchen, busy the whole time and yet somehow not able to get it on the table when she said.

Also getting ready to go out anywhere would be another example of her just faffing. I remember once we were meant to be meeting up to go to a funeral. I live 2 hours away and my DSis lives an hour away. We had arranged that I would drive to my DSis and then we would travel together in her car to pick up Mum. All she had to do was get up, have breakfast and get dressed. Yet we were still almost having to force her out of the house if we wanted to get to the church in time.

Thanks MistressDeeCee. I definitely do have some OCD tendencies (on top of everything else!) that get worse when I'm under stress or pressure.

I can completely relate to your feelings about being at home - I love being at home; I am definitely happier there than anywhere else and I never ever get bored. I think it's because, when my mental health is fragile, I see signs and symbols everywhere that back up the intrusive thoughts I am prone to having - it happens at work or just when generally out. It's kind of difficult to explain without sounding melodramatic (or crazy, which I guess I am) but say for example I'm having intrusive thoughts about doing something violent to myself, if a car is parked at a certain angle it's like it's sending me a message that these thoughts are true. So I do get a bit scared of being outdoors when I'm unwell, and even during times of stability I remember those and I think it makes me edgy.

Wow lots of discussion on here. Hi all.

FWIW I don't think it's always selfishness when people are late. Sometimes it is, but sometimes I think people don't realise how far into annoying territory they are, because it doesn't bother them. I think people are different. I am super organised with time and life-goals, but cannot work out how to reasonably file information at work or on the computer (which folders? what should they be called? etc). I think it's the same sort of thing - some people just can't work some basics out which are obvious to other people.

I think with practice it can improve. To be fair, he got a lot better over the weekend and it was a great weekend in the end. I think it had just never occurred to him how irritating it was and how much it bothered me. It will always be an effort for him though.

I do think for some people it is almost a mental condition, in the same way that some people have no sense of direction, others are poor at maths etc. He doesn't seem to be one, though.

It's only passive aggressive if there is malicious intent behind it. Some people are genuinely just not very good at organising themselves, myself included.

Having said that I always meet 'hard' deadlines. Eg catching planes, trains, meetings, hospital appointments. Probably because I'm more anxious about missing them.

Whereas 'soft' deadlines: "let's go to Tesco at 2pm" etc, where I know there is some leeway, are the ones I miss.

My DH is a perpetually late faffer. It genuinely isn't malicious, controlling, arrogant or any of the other words people have used to criticise those who have problems with timekeeping.

He has some MH issues (anxiety and an ADHD-like syndrome) which both exacerbate the problem and make it very distressing for him - he knows how much time he has, knows that I'm internally seething and hates himself for not being able to do things quicker. He gets away with it at work because he works extremely flexible hours, is allowed to work from home and when he is at work he is incredibly bright and works very very hard. He chose a job which had conditions like that which suit his skills and needs. He would not cope with my job, which involves a very rigid early start time. He has missed trains before now and come perilously close to missing a plane on a couple of occasions. I don't think we have been on a holiday involving flying/trains that hasn't started with a row over timekeeping. I am not a super organised of very early person, just better than him at it!

I have developed ways of handling it and planning travel/packing etc to minimise stress for both of us. I guess some people could call it enabling, but I'm not running around after his every need, I'm trying to create ways of organising that we can both handle.

I never wait more than five minutes for anyone.
I just leave, and text to say that I'm not waiting for them and that they are late and they are rude.

It works, and they aren't late again, well, not to me anyway.

You have to not take any shit from the get go.

Being late is grossly disrespectful and discourteous. In effect you are saying "I'm more important than you, and your time isn't as valuable as mine" .... fuck that shit.

Peacoat, of course it will always be an effort for him, but if he's respectful and obliging, he'll want to put in the effort.

Do he really think that time keeping and punctuality falls effortlessly from the trees? It's a habit, and habits are formed by mindful practice.

cruikshank I really identify with your rushing and panicking - I'm the same when getting the DC out to school in the morning - though tbf we are not late as I just won't let it get to the stage where they're getting tarred with my brush of lateness, so to speak (!) We are in the playground in time for the bell almost 100% of the time - I'd say maybe once per school year we don't make it.

However, that punctuality comes at a stressful cost and most mornings I spend a good half hour in an utter panic. DC finish breakfast at about 7.40 and I send them upstairs to get dressed. I feel as though I can hang around for a bit as we don't need to leave till about 8.20, so I piss around MNing and FBing and finally get into the shower about 8am. I feel 20 mins must be enough for a quick shower, dressed and out. But it's not - ever. There are always extras that crop up and things that the DC very reasonably still need me to help with, and that last stretch to 8.20 sees me breathless, irritable and shouty with the DC, panicking and miserable . If I just jumped in the shower at 7.45 I really think it would all be fine. But it's like Groundhog Day - I just don't. It seriously is some sort of mental block.

People with dyspraxia find time difficult as they have no sense sometimes of how long something takes to do. They need very definite training and timers notes of reminders etc. It's like people with dyslexia have to systematically learn words they need to learn ways of coping with time. My dh is like this. Will tell me he has a meeting at 11 o'clock. At about ten to he is still here. I say thought you had a meeting. He says year it's not til 11. Then l remind him it takes 10 mind to drive in.. Find a parking space walk to meeting place allow for traffic but in his mind it's still not 11' Then of course there is a mad panic so he completely stresses himself. It's like he never learned as a child how to plan ahead. I always say to kids we are leaving on Moms time..they know that means the right time so no hanging about. It's like training them to clean training them to be on time is a skill well learnt. Also people with dyspraxia get so distracted they start doing random things instead of focusing on getting out. It is actually a genuine real difficulty but can be overcome with strategies in place. A lot of adults were never diagnosed as not a thing in those days so they go through life wondering how others are doing it.

The vast majority of constantly late people I know aren't late for work or catching a flight, for example. But they're constantly late for social events, leaving friends waiting for them in boredom, or exasperated to the point they don't want to go anymore. "Official" things matter. Friends don't.

I hate being late...

I dont think habitual latecomers are necessarily being self ish... I just dont think they understand as it is NEVER them who have bust a gut to get somewhere on time, and then have to wait ages for them to arrive.

It is just a behavioural pattern that can change.

An otherwise lovely friend was genuinely shocked when I said I.couldnt keep meeting her halfway as she didnt seem to value our time together. Think mostly 60-90 mins after HER suggested meeting time.
She changed... I have absolutely no problems with 10-15 mins late... And. Dont really consider this late at all!

Mine does the whole let's do 15 random jobs first thing. Then the teenage DDs see that daddy isn't ready so they bugger off to do xy and z while they wait for him to finish. In the meantime he's finished and waiting in the car with the engine running giving me exasperated looks because I am late and I'm inclined to leave the 3 of them to it and sit down with a nice coffee and a book.

I did once and the bugger refused to leave without me. I got in the car because the alternative, telling them all to fuck off out and leave me in peace quite probably wouldn't have helped.

That's interesting Comedancing as I've just mentioned DH doing the distraction thing of random 'jobs', and his son has dyspraxia.

Step son actually has better time keeping than DH, maybe because he was diagnosed in his teens he has learned strategies to manage better? I'm not sure.

Venus Rising, are there other character flaws you don't tolerate in your friends? Telling them off so roundly for being any more than 5 minutes late sounds a bit high maintenance. But I guess if they come back for more you must be worth it.

Interesting correlations with some of what is described here, and ADHD traits, particularly with those people exhibiting inattentive strain type deficit disorders. Those perfect people who are never late may not empathise, but the anxieties as described by cruikshank, and conversely, the daydreamy, easily distracted ADD behaviours can be a real barrier to getting out of the door in a timely fashion.

My closest friend and I are very different personality types. One of us is a motivated, high achieving, controlling, perfectionist neat freak who arrives early for everything. The other is lazy by inclination, able but less driven, calm, disorganised and not as punctual. Our friendship has survived almost 30 years because we recognise that our positive character traits each have a flip side - which can drive the other crazy - but that with some consideration we can try and meet in the middle. And we realise that neither of us hold the moral high ground for being more inclined to one set of behaviours than the other.

peacoat, I really empathise with you as to how frustrating your DP's behaviour must be, but when you say this lateness is a deal breaker do you mean you would end the relationship over it? As a pp said upthread, does he have compensating qualities which balance this out? Anyway, I'm glad he has listened to you, and that you had a better weekend. It sounds like you can empathise with the effort it takes him to be punctual, and that he is able to appreciate how his lack of time management impacts on you. Good luck, hope things continue to improve.

An otherwise lovely friend was genuinely shocked when I said I.couldnt keep meeting her halfway as she didnt seem to value our time together. Think mostly 60-90 mins after HER suggested meeting time.
She changed... I have absolutely no problems with 10-15 mins late

I identify with this 100%.

Mostly, the reasons and excuses given seem to say to me that, the person waiting doesn't matter, they should accept lateness and never feel upset or frustrated by it. & SN doesn't necessarily equate to lateness and being unable to get anywhere reasonably on time either, but late-ees will find any link they can use for an excuse. Not just in lateness but generally in life, Im not good with people who display inconsiderate behaviours that impact on others, but will go around the houses instead of just addressing it. There's an arrogance in "oh well you'll just have to wait on me won't you even though I know you're sitting there dressed made up & ready to go" etc.

Its fine though if its not important to some to at least aim to be reasonably on time. Not if there's an expectation that others must and always will just put up with it. Why shoud they? & if they don't..latecomers will just have to be late on their own time.

Yes its very frustrating OP, glad there are other good points to balance it out the upset but as to the lateness, you're living with it so at times will just have to not enable it, just do your thing in terms of where you need to be, and getting out of the door on time. Eventually if its important enough to your DH he'll sort himself out

If you are going out but not somewhere that you absolutely have to be there at a certain time. Does it actually matter that you DH potters and you end up leaving at a later time than you want? Could you just let your DH choose the time you leave or would you just end up not going out at all. I get up and out for work on time but on my days off I like to take my time to get ready to go out.

Thanks BritabroadinAsia (I'd quite like to be one of those!). He is a lovely guy, but I was so pissed off on the weekend - and also he was supposed to be giving directions as I was driving, and he was very slow (his phone wasn't loading) and wasn't paying attention and I got very, very cross.

He has upped his game significantly in a few different ways since the weekend though.

mumeeee - you've hit the nail there I suspect. I'm a control freak and won't let him choose the time to leave. Ever. I didn't realise until you mentioned that.

peacoat it was just that I was thinking maybe if you let him choose or discuss the time to leave then perhaps he'll make more effort. In our house sometimes DH decides and sometimes I do but we often just discuss it and come to an agreement.

I just had a conversation with him about this. I do control him too much and he said he'd like it if I gave him a break sometimes. I think he might be right, and I think it would make me happier too if I gave him a chance. He may not always rise to the challenge but I suspect he will more than I thought.