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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with his slack timekeeping

96 replies

peacoat · 10/04/2015 19:58

So. Every time I tell my DP our leaving time (e.g. 9am this morning) he takes longer to get ready. This morning he was 40 minutes late. Last week we left 1.15 late to go somewhere as he just potters about uselessly.

To be fair, they weren't terribly urgent places we had to go, but it's so frustrating.

OP posts:

runawaysimba · 10/04/2015 21:02

My DP is exactly like this, too - except he doesn't think he is! Prides himself on his punctuality! It drives me nuts.
Does everyone else's partner at least know they're always late?

Elfina · 10/04/2015 21:17

This is my DH. He genuinely cannot help it. We've worked hard over the last 10 years to meet each other half way. He has lots of wonderful things about him, and I have lots of trying things about me. We compromise. Don't know if that's possible for you?

JeanSeberg · 10/04/2015 21:21

How do these people cope at work?

Smooshface · 10/04/2015 22:23

my partner does this. if it's really urgent i lie about the time, it's the only way to do it. Our friends frequently do this when trying to meet up with us, they can't tell me the real time incase i reveal it!

he has always been this way, and as far as i can tell his whole family are. I knew this before I embarked upon relationship, as one of friends said 'i have no sympathy for you, you knew what you were getting into you fool'

Smooshface · 10/04/2015 22:25

Oh my partner knows he is always late for absolutely everything. Actually, it has reminded me that it was actually something his dad told him to do - so then you're wasting other people's time and not your own! (although I have pointed out that means no one trusts you as well!)

TinyTearsFirstLove · 10/04/2015 23:04

Yep, my dh I like this. If we're going somewhere where it's sensible to turn up early then I tell him the time is an hour earlier than the event start time. He gets cross when he finds out but it's the only way of getting somewhere at a reasonable time.
I think persistently late people think differently. If they need to be somewhere at 7, they'd think they would be running late at 6.55 but I would be thinking that we're running late at 6.30.

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 23:14

The trouble with telling people that they have to be somewhere half an hour earlier than they do is that they then start assuming that will be the case and take even longer.

I remember being on a guided train holiday where there was one couple for whom everyone was regularly kept waiting. The guide started telling everyone to turn up 10 minutes earlier, but as soon as these two twigged they just took 10 minutes longer to get there. So the guide told people to turn up earlier and earlier whilst they took longer and longer, till it got ridiculous. We all told the guide not to bother, if they missed the train or bus they would learn, but I suppose she reckoned it wasn't worth the complaints she would get from them.

echt · 10/04/2015 23:16

OP, is your DH late for work?

Box5883284322679964228 · 10/04/2015 23:24

Change the clocks - move them forward an hour. Including his phone/watch. Then leave it an hour ahead

GERTI · 11/04/2015 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Casimir · 11/04/2015 09:24

I was this. I now live on my phone timer. everything, EVERYTHING, is set to a timer. I have no sense of time. Because it is so hard for me I really get upset when people muck me around.

Original poster

peacoat · 11/04/2015 09:30

Thing is, I don't want to have to manage him by having to say half an hour early or change the clocks or anything. He's an adult FFS he should be responsible for himself.

He's not late for work, generally. Anymore anyway, he used to be.

He's just left - had planned to leave at 9.09 to get the train but at 9.20 realised the time and had to adjust his plans. To his credit he didn't ask for a lift or for me to fix it for him. He just caught a different train. I think he just has low standards for his own life which is probably the overriding problem that is making me despair.

OP posts:

Original poster

peacoat · 11/04/2015 09:33

Casimir that sounds like a sensible way to manage it!

I was watching him get ready and he just is in lala land I think. Just potters around, moves slowly, doesn't plan his time ahead (i.e., put kettle on, get in the shower now so kettle boiled when I get out, then iron the shirt - that'll take me whatever time, then I can have a bite to eat while my hair dries etc). He just does whatever occurs to him at the moment without a plan. I need a plan!!

OP posts:

Chesntoots · 11/04/2015 10:56

This sort of thing drives me insane. I am usually 5-10 minutes early for everything. People who faff about, wander round aimlessly and don't organise themselves frustrate me. I try and remain calm but very rarely manage it!

I find it passive aggressive and selfish, as though they feel they are more important than anyone else. Can you tell I've had experience of this?!

I started just leaving without them. Once they realise you mean it, it is quite amazing how they suddenly become motivated and organised - especially if it something they wanted to do.

Just remembering it makes me twitch!

Box5883284322679964228 · 11/04/2015 11:17

Why can't just say in a kind way that you are struggling with his poor timekeeping and you need to both agree departure times and you will just leave at the agreed time. He can leave later if he wants to trot along later. That's up to him and you don't mind as long as you also leave at a time you are happy with. His needs don't trump yours.

CremeEggThief · 11/04/2015 11:38

This was one of the worst things about my XH. He was shockingly late to the point it was embarrassing. He would keep me and DS waiting for hours while he faffed about, knowing how upsetting and annoying I found it. That he knew and just did not care is the worst thing about it. He used to spend all night cooking when we had friends over for dinner and eventually serve up something (admittedly very tasty) at midnight. He just didn't get that most people would rather eat macaroni cheese at 8 p.m. and see something of both hosts together than something amazing hours later. So I stopped inviting people for dinner. I could go on and on....

We split up three years ago and I am about an inch taller and my shoulders are still unfurling. However, we can't completely escape it, as he is sometimes late for DS still.

Original poster

peacoat · 11/04/2015 11:48

CremeEgg it's just odd isn't it? (besides infuriating). I can't get my head around why someone would do that.

Actually my aunty is probably the worst - for example, will start cooking (a 3 course) dinner half an hour before we are due to leave to visit people. Odd. What do people think is going to happen?! I can't think it is malicious selfishness on my DP's part - more like just doesn't really matter to him and doesn't realise the impact it has on others (and doesn't realise how much others care about these things as it doesn't bother him).

I wish I lived my life with so little angst.

OP posts:

GreatAuntDinah · 11/04/2015 11:50

I do this I just can't help it....

Yes. You. Fucking. Can. I hate faffing timewasters.

PuppyMonkey · 11/04/2015 12:01

There was a good thread on here last year where persistent late people confessed their crimes and tried to explain why they do it.

I remember lots said they thought their brains were wired differently - so, say they had to be somewhere at 1pm, their brain would tell them that 1pm was when they should start getting ready hence they were persistently late. And they couldn't help it.

Still doesn't stop them being annoying feckers though tbf.

Indantherene · 11/04/2015 12:03

My DH is the same. It drives me mental. School is a 20 minute walk. He insists it's 10 minutes. He'll then be wanting to set off about 5 minutes before the bell.

He can't seem to work backwards, and does that faffy thing where he'll decide as we are setting off on holiday that he needs to clean his car out. We always leave the house at least an hour later than I'd planned to leave. Unfortunately my DM is a plan-to-the-second type of person and if we are meeting her we start getting the "where are you" phone calls as well. I'm stuck between them and it is incredibly stressful.

sabrina00 · 11/04/2015 12:13

There is absolutely no excuse for this. Those of you saying you can't help it, yes you can, you just choose not to deal with it. Presumably you can tell the time? You're grown adults and you can count; you know if a journey takes half an hour you leave then, you don't start getting ready then! Why are you doing 30 minute jobs before you're due to go somewhere? Do them another time! Not every second of the day has to be filled. This really is not rocket science.

I can't abide lateness. It's rude and disrespectful and there's absolutely no need for it. I'm amazed some of you still have jobs.

SomewhereIBelong · 11/04/2015 12:21

DH used to be a latey-waity but not anymore..

He was ALWAYS late - always - except the first time we went on holiday together - he turned up early to the airport - so I told him if he was early for that he could damn well be early for me too, that it WAS a deal-breaker for me... we've been married forever and he really tries to be at least on time nowadays.

JeanSeberg · 11/04/2015 12:32

These people must be receiving constant verbal/written warnings cos I'm fucked if I'd put up with it from any of my staff. Brain's wired differently my arse.

Box5883284322679964228 · 11/04/2015 12:36

Have you talked to DH?

Original poster

peacoat · 11/04/2015 12:39

Yes I've talked to him. He was really shocked when I said I felt it was valuing his time over mine. He did admit however that if it really mattered to him he'd be on time. And he's been quite attentive to detail since I blew up at him yesterday. Who knows? Time will tell.

It's a deal breaker though.

OP posts:

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