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Original poster

To be pissed off with his slack timekeeping

96 replies

peacoat · 10/04/2015 19:58

So. Every time I tell my DP our leaving time (e.g. 9am this morning) he takes longer to get ready. This morning he was 40 minutes late. Last week we left 1.15 late to go somewhere as he just potters about uselessly.

To be fair, they weren't terribly urgent places we had to go, but it's so frustrating.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 11/04/2015 13:08

I don't buy the faux shock, do you? He told you he can be punctual when he wants to be.

Box5883284322679964228 · 11/04/2015 14:55

As long as you tell him it's a deal breaker and you intend to be on time from now on.

NewLeaflet · 11/04/2015 15:09

It's a really hard habit to break - if you are used to getting places only just on time or slightly late it feels really weird to leave with more than enough time to get there. I can do it now but it took a surprising amount of will power to change my habits.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 12/04/2015 22:22

Why are you doing 30 minute jobs before you're due to go somewhere? Do them another time! Not every second of the day has to be filled. This really is not rocket science.
I have two kids, work 30 hours a week, am doing a professional qualification in my own time, am building a house, and have just sold a small business. Sometimes, there is no other time.

I'm amazed some of you still have jobs.
At work, I'm honest, hard working, supportive of my colleagues, meet my deadlines, have taken on significant extra work for no extra money, make up any time that I miss and have not had a day off sick for over a year.

That's how I'm still in a job.

kimistayingalive · 12/04/2015 23:52

Best solution is to tell him that the time to be at such a place is (insert time an hour earlier than actual time) so if you are "running late" you should still be there on time.

VanitasVanitatum · 13/04/2015 00:12

Being late is annoying, but him wanting to live life at a different pace to yours is potentially acceptable. Are some of these 'must leave at this time' deadlines imposed by you? You said neither recent time was time critical. Sounds like you want a fundamental change in him - do you think that's fair? Could you just be less rigid?

TwinkieTwinkle · 13/04/2015 00:20

Surely the simple answer is to just tell him an earlier time for leaving and then he's ready? I hate these threads. Not because I think you are BU OP but because I hate people being called twats/ selfish etc because they have a fault. Poor time management doesn't make someone a bad person but you'd think they committed a crime on here!

SilverBirch2015 · 13/04/2015 00:34

My FIL used to do this, it is a power and control behaviour. They are saying I am more important than you, so you can wait for me to be ready. Tríck is to wait until they are ready and then find an important job to do yourself, so they are the one left waiting a few times.

MistressDeeCee · 13/04/2015 00:40

Interesting. Ive just dropped a friend of many years due to her lateness. Its so rude, and really spoilt events. Inevitably Id get ready then sit waiting dressed and made up 1 hour + for her to arrive. So tedious. She is never late for work but forever late to meet friends, so I guess its clear whats important to her.

People who are always late simply don't care about the stress this causes to everyone else. They always have an excuse, as if they are a seperate species who are somehow busier or wired differently than everybody else, and thus should be accommodated. They're just lazy and disorganised unless its something that makes them money and enables their life - ie, work.

Fine if they want to be forever late but they shouldn't just have an expectation that people must like it or will even put up with it.

cruikshank · 13/04/2015 00:55

As a habitual late-ee, I beg to differ (well, I guess I would, wouldn't I?) that it's about power or control. It really is about not getting how time works and I suppose by extension not really getting how life works. It just seems to run away, and I don't watch it running casually - I am in a state of panic when I realise I'm going to be late, knowing that people are waiting - it really worries me an incredible amount. I also hate rushing and find it very stressful. And yet I'm still late, and still rushing. I've been disciplined at work about it before, although that was only one job - the others have been fine with me making up for it at the end of the day and now where I work we have flexitime which is a godsend for people like me. I've also missed trains, including missing a train to a friend's wedding and having to catch the next one on the hop which cost £££s. I've been very close to the bone with planes before and actually missed one (long-haul) one altogether. It doesn't make my life easy. It doesn't make me happy. And I genuinely don't think I'm superior in any way to everyone else who can do this one basic thing of getting somewhere on time. I just find it really difficult to do.

MistressDeeCee · 13/04/2015 01:10

cruikshank maybe you thrive on the adrenaline of it all. Your post made me Shock...the amount of stress, panic & rush involved?! It would do my head in.

I wonder if there are organised people in your life enabling you, as is normally the case with "late-ees?". eg people who are always on time for work being annoyed at your lateness - and then others who are fine with you making up for it at the end of the day...but probably roll eyes and view you as disorganised anyway.

Lateness isn't some kind of incurable disease. There's nothing to stop you getting up an hour or 90 minutes earlier if you care about improving things. Getting up earlier isn't harmful to the system. Of course if you don't care then you'll just stay as you are and continue to make excuse after excuse I suppose.

SilverBirch2015 · 13/04/2015 01:12

Cruikshank, how do you think other people manage to be on time, it really isn't rocket science?

I need to be at work by 9, my journey takes 45 mins, breakfast is 15 mins, feeding animals 15 mins, shower and getting dressed 15 mins so I need to be out of bed at 7.30. You then refine it a bit if you are a bit rushed.

It's a pretty simple calculation really.

MistressDeeCee · 13/04/2015 01:16

I don't think its a case of everyone else being able to get somewhere on time either. There are times when you can't help being late, stuff happens doesn't it. A home emergency or stuck in traffic, etc. But when its a very regular thing and its not being addressed, even by the simple solution of getting up earlier or arranging outfits/packing a couple of nights before as opposed to on the day..or not regularly leaving it until late to get ready when you know you've an arrangement and somebody else is stuck waiting for you..then seems to me its very off-key behaviour and sorry, I can't see any justification for it.

I bet if someone told you there was a million pounds waiting for the 1st person to reach from point A-B, late-ees would suddenly be earlybirds for the dayGrin

I can't have people who are always late around me. I can't be bothered with perpetually waiting on them, or listening to the boring excuses as they rush breathlessly through the door when they were probably sauntering beforehand really. Good luck to people who can and don't mind dealing with all that though.

cruikshank · 13/04/2015 01:17

I don't thrive on it - I really hate it! I wish I could be like other people. Every now and again I'll do it properly and I feel so much better when that happens.

Re getting up early - I do! I'm not late because I'm in bed - I'm late because I can't seem to get out of the fucking house at a reasonable time. There have been mornings where I've been in the house for 2 hrs before being ready to leave, even if all I have to do is have a shower and dry my hair.

As for not caring - of course I do. I honestly do cringe at the thought of people waiting for me, whether those people are colleagues or friends or whatever.

And yet still ... I'm late.

cruikshank · 13/04/2015 01:22

then seems to me its very off-key behaviour and sorry, I can't see any justification for it.

I can't justify it either. I can't even explain it.

Weirdly though, I'm better since I became a parent, even though I've now got more to do. On the days when it's just me (few times a year when the dad steps in) I revert to form though and am late for everything.

SilverBirch2015 · 13/04/2015 01:26

So what do you do differently when you do it properly?

Do you have clocks in every room? Do you get side-tracked doing other things that are not important when you are getting ready?

cruikshank · 13/04/2015 01:30

I don't know what's different when it all works out. It just feels smoother, that's all. I do have clocks in every room and also a wristwatch which I wear at all times. They just serve to panic me more though, tbh.

One thing I have noticed though is that when I do have a 'smooth' easy time of getting ready to go somewhere, I stand at the door or faff around at the door checking it's locked for more time than I should or worry endlessly that I've forgotten something important. I don't really like leaving the house at all, tbh, I suppose.

SilverBirch2015 · 13/04/2015 01:42

Sounds like you are spending some of your time doing "stuff" to somehow reassure yourself about leaving it then. Displacement or delaying behaviour maybe.

SilverBirch2015 · 13/04/2015 01:47

To be fair I could see this going on with my FIL, he needed his very strict and rigid set of behaviours completed before he left the house, like cleaning his shoes, going to the toilet, comb in his pocket etc. They all seemed unnecessary rituals to me. I never really thought it was about dealing with anxieties before.

cruikshank · 13/04/2015 01:54

Do you know what, you might be right! Ok, so I can work on that (I've got a diagnosis of bipolar so have a CPN). Thank you - I mean that genuinely. Now I think about it, I do have to kind of 'work myself up' to going out which isn't always easy.

MistressDeeCee · 13/04/2015 02:01

cruikshank yes, becoming a parent does tend to have a magical way of making you more organised..even if you don't want to be!Smile

Can't you ditch the wristwatch & all the clocks thing, if they're making you more anxious? & maybe the overchecking thing is a slight OCD tendency? I don't mean that in a bad way, because there are times I catch myself doing this too and I also know others who do it.

Im also quite homely - I go out if I really have to, and have some nights out too here & there..but I can very happily remain indoors for a week & not care (I work from home). I just like being at home where I can think, feel settled, have my things around me etc..

Your attitude is very different to the "Im always late & so what" crew, tho. You accept lateness is an issue and you think about how to resolve it.

Reading what you've explained Im now inclined to think well, whatever is causing you to be the way you are then hopefully you can get a handle on it and sort it out if it does bother you, whenever feel is best for you. If you can function now, no point making yourself even more anxious about it as stress isn't a nice feeling at all

RebootYourEngine · 13/04/2015 08:01

My ds is like this. He just walks about the house doing very little or will go into his bedroom & do everything but get ready. It drives me nuts coz he has a not bothered attitude. As he is still a child i cant leave the house without him so i have to be late as well which i HATE. Angry

SilverBirch2015 · 13/04/2015 10:03

It's turned out quite interesting for me too. I will try to be more tolerant of those people who are late and can't seem to get a handle on it.

I'm pretty punctual myself, but with tasks that I don't want to do or cause me stress, I do all sorts of things rather than do the small task. It frustrates me no end, as it adds to the stress and leaves me rushing to complete something that is never that difficult and would be so much easier if I started earlier.

BeautyQueenFromMars · 13/04/2015 11:54

SilverBirch I'm pretty punctual myself, but with tasks that I don't want to do or cause me stress, I do all sorts of things rather than do the small task. It frustrates me no end, as it adds to the stress and leaves me rushing to complete something that is never that difficult and would be so much easier if I started earlier.

This is me! I hate being late, it seriously stresses me out, so I will make sure I'm on time. But if there is an unpleasant task, I will procrastinate till the cows come home!

OP, I hope your DP starts to improve in his timekeeping.

CheeseandGherkins · 13/04/2015 12:06

"He did admit however that if it really mattered to him he'd be on time"

There's your answer, when he's late for things with you then it doesn't matter to him.

Personally, I hate it when people are always late. They are essentially saying that their time is more important than yours. It isn't something that I would put up with. People certainly can be on time, they just choose not to. It is a choice too. Set an alarm/reminder or multiple ones, it's all doable. Get ready earlier, leave earlier. They just choose not to. it's just a way of making sure other people know how much more important they are than you.