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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I deserve access to his money?

63 replies

Royalsighness · 09/04/2015 18:47

So me and my husband have been together for 6 years and We have DC1 who is 22mo and I'm 7 months pregnant with DC2. I work 26 hours a week over 4 days and he works a lot more hours, sometimes over 6 days. He earns more in a day than I do in 2 weeks if it's an out of hours on call shift.

He keeps getting offered more and more last minute shifts at work so he has to stay back for an extra 2 or 3 hours to cover for someone but he keeps telling me it's ok because it's extra money for us, he is not contracted or obliged to accept these extra hours he does them completey out of choice. however I have noticed no financial changes or benefits at all, I don't see his bank balance so don't know what he's got and he hasnt been offering to pay for extra things so other than me struggling and heavily pregnant with a toddler and trying to hold 2 jobs down with a husband who's never at home, I am not really getting anything from this at all, I'm always scrimping.

Aibu to say if he's working so much and earning so much, can I have some money to take DS Out for days when you are at work and I'm struggling to entertain him? Or for us to be able to buy things we like in the shops when my wages have been absorbed by all of the essentials?

Also a seperate issue, as soon as I walked out of work today, FIL who was waiting outside of my office handed DS to me with a nappy and some wipes and said "he had a Poo about 20 minutes before we left so I thought I might as well wait until he saw you to change him, you can just pop back in to work and change him" FIL watches my son for 5 hours a week and meets me outside work with him as soon as I finish, my job is a car journey away for FIL so he put my son in the car seat in a shitty nappy and handed him to me as soon as I stepped foot out of work today. AIBU to be a completely fed up grumpy monster?

OP posts:

AGirlCalledBoB · 09/04/2015 18:50

What the hell? Of course you should have access to his money. In my house it's all shared, it's joint money.

That's not to say one of us goes crazy on the other but I would not think twice about taking money out of my oh's account to take our son out for the day.

Does he not give you any money at all?

Beth2511 · 09/04/2015 18:54

I would raise a discussion and say you feel you ought to sit down and rejuggle finances now he is earning more.

I know my OH would not to be asked to pay extra if he earnt extra, but not out of maliciousness purely because his brain doesn't think about things like that.

However, I would be upset at baby being left in a pooey nappy :(

petalsandstars · 09/04/2015 18:54

Yes you should have access. Why don't you? If he is reluctant to either share all or transfer a good amount to you then Google financial abuse

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 09/04/2015 18:58

Where do I even start?!? That you're even calling it "his money": you're married, you have children and responsibilities together - it is YOUR money (you and him).

I 'll put my head over the parapet and call Financial Abuse.

And the blatant sexism by FIL - I guess that apple didn't fall far.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2015 19:01

What a raw deal you have got here. Your finances need sorting out. Do you know where all his extra money is going. This separate finances business is ok when you both have the same amount but you don't in your case. Unless he's saving up in preparation for you going on maternity leave. But as for your fil yes it was annoying but if he's providing free child care then I don't think it would be wise to make too much fuss about this,

Joyfulldeathsquad · 09/04/2015 19:04

You dnot even know if he is working extra hours.

This is financial abuse

Pandsala · 09/04/2015 19:05

Yanbu, DH earns more than me so if I want to take the DC out or buy them a treat I cant afford DH pays, he also gives me money towards essentials so I have a bit of my money left to spend on nice things

Hissy · 09/04/2015 19:09

The money? Not cool! Tell your dh you want full access.

The FIL? Disgusting! You should have said to him there and then that leaving a baby in a shitty nappy for, what, half an hour when he has 20mins before leaving to sort it out is NOT acceptable.

Get some money and pay a proper childminder. Stuff his 5 hours, he's neglecting the child because he cba to care! Unforgivable

TwinkieTwinkle · 09/04/2015 19:14

Ffs, 'financial abuse' being shouted already?! Some people are just forgetful! My dad has always made 4x my mums salary. They have a joint visa but if she needs cash he gives it readily. No problem. It doesn't occur to him to offer all the time. If the OP hasn't even broached the subject before, perhaps it hasn't occurred to her husband to either. Not everything has to be so dramatic and immediately abuse.

Original poster

Royalsighness · 09/04/2015 19:19

Thank you for advice I have a lot to think about. I have told FIL not to do this again and he seems apologetic about it but he does love DS and I know that DS enjoys seeing him.

As for husband I probably should be mentioning it to him before mumsnet but your advice is always good, so I will ask him if we should pool the money, or maybe if we should have a 30/70 split of all pooled money after bills and mortgage. I'm 23 but quite financially sensible however I've always been from the school of thought that its only mine if I earnt it, but since getting married I don't think its fair that one of us struggles while the other is quite comfortable and wealthy.

OP posts:

holidaysarenice · 09/04/2015 19:22

My dp doesn't do overtime and works 4 days so when I do overtime that's money for my personal spends account.

Salaries are shared to cover essentials with some money each for personal accounts/frittering/spends etc
But no, my overtime requires me giving up leisure time and so is my money.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 09/04/2015 19:23

Forgetful twinkle ? Is that what you call it?

TwinkieTwinkle · 09/04/2015 19:30

Yes joyfull. Some things don't occur to some people. People throwing the term financial abuse around without any more information than the OP, is frankly ridiculous.

TeacupDrama · 09/04/2015 19:35

But hop's dh doing overtime maybe eats into his leisure time but it also eats into his time with DC and also means OP does more childcare and losses leiusuretime to enable him to work extra so the overtime money should be shared as op is sacrificing to enable the of.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 09/04/2015 19:40

It is finacal abuse! She has no money and he is sitting on loads. Why isn't he making sure she has access to what he has? Oh yeah he forgot he earns waaaaaay more than her and she is skint. The fact she has to ask for money is not on.

This is not the same situation as your parents.

Hassled · 09/04/2015 19:41

The "overtime eats into my leisure time so is therefore all my money" argument is fine, as long as it's not impacting anyone else. If it leaves the other partner spending more time alone trying to entertain small children, then it's a bollocks argument - it does impact someone else, and the financial benefit should be shared.

inabeautifulplace · 09/04/2015 19:41

There are always degrees of financial cooperation, but my view is that it's healthy for access to money to be balanced once you're past a certain point in the relationship. Kids is certainly over that line for me, as is marriage or a LTR. As said above, I find viewing all income as "our" rather than separate to be healthy. Logically, you've compromised your own earning power to take a larger responsibility in raising the family, so this must change your own view about earns income.

To balance out holidaysarenice above, I'll be working 3 Saturday's this month and the money will mostly go to my wife due to needs.

I would go for the chat and see his reaction. I would hope that it's a surprise to him that you're struggling and he'd be suggesting a better way of making ends meet for you both.

TwinkieTwinkle · 09/04/2015 19:41

Yes, but perhaps it just hasn't occurred to him? Perhaps OP will discuss it with him, he will realise that something needs done and that's it: sorted. But people have already labelled him an abuser. It pathetic actually, how people jump to ridiculous conclusions.

SurlyCue · 09/04/2015 19:44

OP it is money you have earnt! You have earnt it by providing the childcare for his child so that he can earn it the money. If you were working the same hours as him he (and you) would have to pay more childcare and so he wouldnt have the extra money, you had a part in earning it.

Im of the "family money" school of thought in that i think people who have a shared home and children should have shared access to the money coming in.

ahbollocks · 09/04/2015 19:44

Just speak to him. Make columns of all of your essentials etc and show how your wages are eaten up.
Does he have expensive hobbies etc? Is he saving hard?

TwinkieTwinkle · 09/04/2015 19:45

It is not financial abuse. He's not sitting on a load of money, deliberately depriving her. Has she even spoken to him? No. Perhaps it hadn't occurred to him, like it hadn't occurred to OP until recently, that there should be some more balance financially. They settled into a pattern. The fact you think it's abuse is ridiculous.

ahbollocks · 09/04/2015 19:46

Fwiw we have shared money; pay the bills then halve whatever is left. Much simpler.
Dh out earns me by about 1000 every month, but thats because I work part time to avoid expensive childcare

rosy71 · 09/04/2015 19:47

maybe if we should have a 30/70 split of all pooled money after bills and mortgage.

Surely that should be a 50/50 split??? Dp & I have our wages paid into a joint account from which all the bills etc are paid. We each have a standing order into our own accounts - £300 a month each - which is our money to do what we like with. It doesn't matter who earns most; we have equal spending money.

BoyScout · 09/04/2015 19:48

A 70/30 split? It should be 50/50.

DP earns almost ten times what I do (yes, you read that right). Two small kids. Both salaries go into one joint account, all bills come out of that. We transfer £100 a month each to our personal accounts to spend on what we wish. The rest is spent on general house, kids, family stuff. Anything left goes into joint savings.

And we're not even married!

MillyMollyMandy78 · 09/04/2015 19:50

Guessing from OP that DH is a doctor? If so they get a huge amount for out of hours work (my DH is a dr). Think it is really shocking that he is not sharing the money - particularly as an intelligent man, working in a caring profession.

Sorry you are going through this OP

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