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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I deserve access to his money?

63 replies

Royalsighness · 09/04/2015 18:47

So me and my husband have been together for 6 years and We have DC1 who is 22mo and I'm 7 months pregnant with DC2. I work 26 hours a week over 4 days and he works a lot more hours, sometimes over 6 days. He earns more in a day than I do in 2 weeks if it's an out of hours on call shift.

He keeps getting offered more and more last minute shifts at work so he has to stay back for an extra 2 or 3 hours to cover for someone but he keeps telling me it's ok because it's extra money for us, he is not contracted or obliged to accept these extra hours he does them completey out of choice. however I have noticed no financial changes or benefits at all, I don't see his bank balance so don't know what he's got and he hasnt been offering to pay for extra things so other than me struggling and heavily pregnant with a toddler and trying to hold 2 jobs down with a husband who's never at home, I am not really getting anything from this at all, I'm always scrimping.

Aibu to say if he's working so much and earning so much, can I have some money to take DS Out for days when you are at work and I'm struggling to entertain him? Or for us to be able to buy things we like in the shops when my wages have been absorbed by all of the essentials?

Also a seperate issue, as soon as I walked out of work today, FIL who was waiting outside of my office handed DS to me with a nappy and some wipes and said "he had a Poo about 20 minutes before we left so I thought I might as well wait until he saw you to change him, you can just pop back in to work and change him" FIL watches my son for 5 hours a week and meets me outside work with him as soon as I finish, my job is a car journey away for FIL so he put my son in the car seat in a shitty nappy and handed him to me as soon as I stepped foot out of work today. AIBU to be a completely fed up grumpy monster?

OP posts:

MrsGrimes · 09/04/2015 19:51

OP, you shouldn't be scrimping and saving your pennies for things while your DH has loads of money. You're a family. His money is your money and vice versa.

I'm a SAHM. DP and I don't have a joint account but every payday, he transfers money into my account. All bills come out of his, food comes out of mine, so he transfers enough for food plus spending money. After all bills come out of his and food is paid for from mine, we have the same amount of disposable income.

You really need to sit down with your DH and explain that this can't carry on.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 09/04/2015 19:52

YANBU. Lots of couples choose not to pool all their money, but it is totally unreasonable that you are scrimping, and struggling, whilst providing all the childcare for extra shifts that he works.

I do believe it would be financial abuse if he refuses to change anything when you talk to him about it.

Hope it goes well, OP.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 09/04/2015 19:52

How can you forget to make sure your wife has enough money with out having to ask? He earns way more than her does extra and she sees not a penny of it. Yeah conveniently forgetful. Or selfish.

ptumbi · 09/04/2015 19:56

He's working all the extra hours but you haven't seen any increase in the bank account????

Are you sure he's 'working' those extra hours?

CrystalCove · 09/04/2015 19:57

I will ask him if we should pool the money, or maybe if we should have a 30/70 split of all pooled money after bills and mortgage

You sound like you are already being controlled to be perfectly honest if you think this is reasonable - a marriage is meant to be a partnership - you have children...why on earth should your DH get 70% of money and you 30%, I dont get this thinking.

And its not about having joint everything (although for me and DH its always worked like that, no matter who earns the most) but I totally agree with Sabrina.

SurlyCue · 09/04/2015 19:59

To be fair, my exp (when we were together) had no clue about the cost of running a home and raising children. Yes he knew how much the rent was and how much the electric bill was but he had no idea how much washing powder we went through, or milk or baby wipes or diesel in the car. He never quibbled when i said i needed more money into the joint account but he would baulk at the daily expenditure when he would be home on leave. It just never occurred to him as he wasnt the one dealing with it so its quite possible OPs husband has no clue she is struggling on what she has to live on.

AyeAmarok · 09/04/2015 20:00

OP you REALLY need to have a conversation with him.

It's as much your money as it is his, just like the DC are as much yours as his, and your house.

justonemoretime2p · 09/04/2015 20:05

I agree OP needs to talk to him about it asap, he could have no idea op is struggling.
People claiming its "financial abuse" I think are jumping the gun especially since they haven't even talked about it yet.

SuburbanRhonda · 09/04/2015 20:36

So, OP, what happens now if you run out of money? Do you and your DS go without, while your DH "doesn't notice"?

In what way is this a marriage rather than two people living independent lives in the same house?

shewept · 09/04/2015 20:51

I can't stand people throwing 'financial abuse' about. Its ridiculous.

Since the OP has not talked to him, as far as anyone knows he may think the OP is happy to stack up the overtime money as savings. She doesn't say he is pissing money up the wall while she has none.

Op you need to discuss this with him. Whenever I earn extra money, it goes straight in my savings. I don't 'share' it out, I out it away for the family to use when we need it.

It is difficult getting use to shared finances. I was like you, took me a while to get used to having access to money that's as not my wage. I understand its difficult. But you will get there. But only if you sit down and discuss it. Also tell him how you feel.

notquiteruralbliss · 09/04/2015 21:04

OP - your DH is at best thoughtless. In our household, all money gets paid into a joint account. We both have access. ATM I earn maybe 5 x what my DH does but, at times, the reverse has been true. All money is family money. Generally, if one of us is doing a lot of paid work the other picks up the slack at home or, if we are both doing a lot of paid work, we buy in extra help. All contributions are seen as equally valuable.

BestZebbie · 09/04/2015 21:09

This sounds like two different issues

Is he even actually at work? No evidence of it except his say-so
If so, he isn't sharing nicely

spudholes · 09/04/2015 21:11

Who the fuck leaves a child sitting in it's own shit?

NotallTravellersarebad · 09/04/2015 21:16

As others have said. You need to sit and talk about it but before hand think about what you would like. If he says ok I will transfer £x to your account for example, would that be ok or enough? If you are thinking actually I would prefer joint access to what I believe is family money, maybe you will need to bring this up. He has either never thought about it or assuming you are ok. However if it's the later I think you are sacrificing your earning potential by working part time, and that should he taken into account since you are actually still "working". You are raising your/his child. Furthermore, I'm sure you don't sort the washing into his and her piles so he can do his own. You are a team, you need to talk to him and realise your worth. Not just because you are short financially, but because you are probably carrying out most of the domestics since you are at home for more hours. The cost of childcare, a cleaner, laundry service, cooking, ect ect all this "work" makes you a team, he can work longer because you facilitate him.

Draylon · 09/04/2015 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guineapig99 · 09/04/2015 21:59

YANBU - DP earns 4 x my part time salary - we have 2 kids. We have a joint account and pay most of our salaries into that. We have very similar amount of personal money in our own accts each month, extras usually come from joint acc. As it is DP has a better pension etc without keeping more money.
You shouldn't be struggling - it should be even. If we didnt have 2 kids I'd be in a higher paid full time career and DP knows that. Its all family money now... one day it'll be me earning more as DP wants to re-train to a lower paid career, and I will support that when it happens and the kids are older. Its about being a team.

ArcheryAnnie · 09/04/2015 22:01

I don't have any problem with people having separate accounts, but as soon as there are children there should ALSO be a joint account with the bulk of the household money (whoever has earned it) in it.

The only reason your DH is able to earn money is that you are bringing up his kid(s). Your own earning power has suffered, and will suffer, irrevocably as a result. For him to "share" his earnings equitably with you isn't a favour for you to ask for, but a right you should be able to demand.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 09/04/2015 22:02

We pool absolutely everything too, Draylon.

We are fortunate enough not to have any money worries, dh is high earner, I'm a sahm, and we're both pretty good with money management. I'm about to inherit a fair bit, and this will be 'ours' too.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 09/04/2015 22:08

What is your money being spent on? What is his being spent on? There was a hint in your posts that you are responsible for buying everything for the household and DC, which would seem wrong.

missymayhemsmum · 09/04/2015 22:44

You need to have a chat with your dh. two issues, he is taking on extra work which impacts on your family time and while you are pg and having a new baby and your toddler to care for you need his support.
You need to have a look at your joint finances together and discuss whether you need the extra money, where is it going, and what is your joint budget now and over the next year while you go on maternity leave. When you have kids it isn't his or yours it's family money. But if he is earning all he can and either you need it or he's squirrelling it away to give you a financial buffer that's not a bad thing. Or maybe he just likes being at work?

YANBU to be pissed off with FIL either. Totally not on. Have you told dh?

Draylon · 09/04/2015 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KERALA1 · 09/04/2015 22:53

Same - one account all in there spend as we need no "my" "your" money. Anything else cumbersome and peculiar IMO. You're married you share why wouldn't you? He would get a shock if you split - the judge takes into account non financial contribution and need - unlikely to be the 30 70 you propose...

Morloth · 09/04/2015 23:00

All accounts shared here. There is no 'my' money, only 'ours'.

We are a team and look after each other.

We bring different things to the relationship and as a result have all bases covered.

Draylon · 09/04/2015 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 09/04/2015 23:11

I didn't realise it was so rare! We've shared everything since we first set up home together. We're a team - no 'mine' and 'his'. We rarely argue about money. I can't imagine doing it any other way.

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