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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I deserve access to his money?

63 replies

Royalsighness · 09/04/2015 18:47

So me and my husband have been together for 6 years and We have DC1 who is 22mo and I'm 7 months pregnant with DC2. I work 26 hours a week over 4 days and he works a lot more hours, sometimes over 6 days. He earns more in a day than I do in 2 weeks if it's an out of hours on call shift.

He keeps getting offered more and more last minute shifts at work so he has to stay back for an extra 2 or 3 hours to cover for someone but he keeps telling me it's ok because it's extra money for us, he is not contracted or obliged to accept these extra hours he does them completey out of choice. however I have noticed no financial changes or benefits at all, I don't see his bank balance so don't know what he's got and he hasnt been offering to pay for extra things so other than me struggling and heavily pregnant with a toddler and trying to hold 2 jobs down with a husband who's never at home, I am not really getting anything from this at all, I'm always scrimping.

Aibu to say if he's working so much and earning so much, can I have some money to take DS Out for days when you are at work and I'm struggling to entertain him? Or for us to be able to buy things we like in the shops when my wages have been absorbed by all of the essentials?

Also a seperate issue, as soon as I walked out of work today, FIL who was waiting outside of my office handed DS to me with a nappy and some wipes and said "he had a Poo about 20 minutes before we left so I thought I might as well wait until he saw you to change him, you can just pop back in to work and change him" FIL watches my son for 5 hours a week and meets me outside work with him as soon as I finish, my job is a car journey away for FIL so he put my son in the car seat in a shitty nappy and handed him to me as soon as I stepped foot out of work today. AIBU to be a completely fed up grumpy monster?

OP posts:

Emmaswan · 10/04/2015 09:39

Do you know that legally, when you are married, all money is considered jointly held.

It is YOUR money - you are married.

Financial abuse indeed.

Scrounger · 10/04/2015 10:24

Drayton - make that 5 of us (reminds me of The Magnificent Seven when Chris is getting the team together).

We pool everything, swap debts around c/cards to get best deals, Jt mortgage, it names on house, jt bank accounts and jt savings except for ISAs.

Emmaswan · 10/04/2015 11:12

*We pool absolutely everything too, Draylon.

We are fortunate enough not to have any money worries, dh is high earner, I'm a sahm, and we're both pretty good with money management. I'm about to inherit a fair bit, and this will be 'ours' too.*

Exactly the same here. We are a married couple - every penny earned is OURS.
We've been married 24 years and never had an argument over money.

KERALA1 · 10/04/2015 11:13

Exactly Emma. Sorry but if I hear of married couples keeping things separate I always assume they are at some point thinking of splitting. If they do they will get a big surprise as all the squirrelling away of "your" money doesn't make any difference as Emmaswan points out if you are married and you split its all on the table whichever account you keep it in.

Remember a very peculiar lady I shared an office with - high earner, husband even higher earner but kept their money scrupulously separate, with her (even weirder) being responsible for childcare and living costs. She would ring him up and barter/arrange to borrow money. Just seemed an exhausting way to live.

KERALA1 · 10/04/2015 11:22

Plus if you die without a will it all goes to your spouse. If you die with a will leaving money to someone who is not your spouse the spouse can make a claim under an Inheritance (Family Dependents) Act.

The law won't let you cut your spouse out on death or divorce so he should not be cutting you out in everyday life. Thats why I at the "marriage is just a piece of paper" brigade - nothing could be more wrong.

KERALA1 · 10/04/2015 11:26

Ok not all to spouse if no will, but first £250k and half the remainder so for most people the bulk of the estate anyway

shewept · 10/04/2015 11:29

We have a joint account (for bills and savings) and our own accounts. Purely based on I like being a bit frivolous from time to time or I like to save up and treat myself. I think having everything as joint money is easier when you are better off. When we were skint, neither of us dare spend anything, just incase the other had spent some. Was exhausting. So when we got better jobs we decided to have some money each, each month to spend how we want. However DH wouldn't think twice about paying for something out of 'his money', neither would I (all family stuff comes out of the joint anyway).

We have just been to London, I have no idea who spent more. There is no 'well I paid for the tube so you pay for coffee' . Technically we have some separate money, there is definitely no tensions about it. Maybe its also easier because we joint own our own company now so earn exactly the same.

We have done this for the last 9 years definitely no expectation of splitting up.

shewept · 10/04/2015 11:31

Oh and all bills come out of the joint and if I was a bit skint I certainly wouldn't ask permission to take money out of the joint account. Both me dh trust each other enough to know the other wouldn't empty the account.

viva100 · 10/04/2015 11:38

YANBU. DP and I share everything. I have always known how much money he has/earns, ever since we moved in together. There were times when he made a very good salary and I was still a student and even then it was 'our' money and he never made me feel otherwise. Now I make much more than him and it is still our money and we have a joint account and also separate accounts. Your DH is a jerk for not thinking about his wife's needs or wishes. But you also need to communicate with him.

NickyEds · 10/04/2015 12:09

Oh we're all coming out of the woodwork now! Me and dp share all money and have since we moved in together at 22 (so 14 years ago). For a while I earned more, then him, now I'm a SAHM so he earns it all, but it's all our money and we both have full access to it. Most of my friends have separate money/accounts etc but most of them got together in their late twenties/early thirties so that might make a difference? I'm so when I hear friends with kids say things like "you still owe me for those nursery fees" or "well I got the Christmas presents so you need to do Birthdays" (both of these have actually happened). I suppose it's fair enough if it works for you both but quite apart from the trust issues it seems like a logistical PITA.

OP you just need to sit down and ask your dh about it? Would your ideal scenario but all money into a joint account or would you prefer to keep some separate? Either way just ask him.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2015 12:16

Yanbu

morethanpotatoprints · 10/04/2015 12:25

Ah, this is financial abuse at the least OP

when you are married all money is joint and there should be no reason why you aren't fully aware of your dhs account and be able to access it when you want to.
You are entitled to the money the same as he is, it has no bearing on who earns what.
Even if you don't earn its still your money too, wtf is wrong with men today that they find it so difficult to commit.
I hate to suggest this, but does he have something to hide?

HermiaDream · 10/04/2015 12:33

This reply has been deleted

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