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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gifts, am I doing it wrong?

57 replies

DoingTheBestICan · 09/04/2015 17:41

OK, I don't think IAMBU but am prepared to be told I am.

I have a sil and 2 dns, for birthdays, christmas and easter etc I get them a card and a voucher, i get vouchers as I think they can then go to the shops and choose what they want.

This is where the AIBU comes in, i sent the dns gifts with a family member as we were away and then so was sil. I hear through the grapevine (I'm being vague here in case sil is on here) that she is very pissed off as they have not had a gift for years as vouchers are nothing.

This is despite the fact that our ds had nothing from her. So AIBU in sending vouchers? I do not know what toys they already have and figured the vouchers could be saved up to get a bigger gift?

To be honest I am holding my tongue here and am inclined to tell a few home truths but I thought I would get the opinion of others first.

Flame away if I am in the wrong.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 09/04/2015 17:44

yanbu but How old are the kids? under 10 then an unwrapable gift wpuld probably be a better option but certainly not unreasonable to send vouchers! I welcome them for dd (19 months) as it means I can spread out what she gets and also if we need new clothes throughout the year then I can use them when we need to

CuttingOutTheCrap · 09/04/2015 17:46

Lots of kids would prefer a physical gift and don't really "get" vouchers, but there's no excuse for adults to dismiss them as nothing.

She's accepted vouchers for her dcs for years but never got yours anything? If so, I'd say it was time you stopped!

monkeysaymoo · 09/04/2015 17:46

Bite your tongue and send nothing next year

AlmaMartyr · 09/04/2015 17:47

YANBU, I love it when the DCs get vouchers and they enjoy spending them. Is a very practical present when family live further away too.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 09/04/2015 17:48

I prefer money instead of vouchers, vouchers are very restrictive and I normally will have to put money toward it. So to me it's not a gift.

Cash they can buy sweets if it's a £1 or with larger amounts get things off line.

irishamy89 · 09/04/2015 17:48

YANBU, if you don't see them to know what they have/don't have then I have no idea why she would be moaning.
I'm sure the kids aren't moaning!

MagelanicClouds · 09/04/2015 17:49

So she's moaning about you buying vouchers - but isn't buying your child anything??
YANBU
Next time just send a card!

hippoinamudhole · 09/04/2015 17:50

When growing up I had 2 uncles, one used to give us an unwrappable present and the other used to give us vouchers. The present was definitely the more exciting present but the vouchers were appreciated and I didn't feel I was not getting a present

Original poster
DoingTheBestICan · 09/04/2015 17:50

The dns are both under 10, sil has said she will not be getting our ds a gift as vouchers are not gifts and no thought has gone into them.

I am livid.

OP posts:
Jaredletoisking · 09/04/2015 17:52

I think vouchers are not very personal BUT I'd way prefer that over an unwanted gift.

I also think vouchers are good for people you're not that close to.

She's being ungrateful. I would either

  • Not send anything anymore OR
  • Call her near the time of a holiday or birthday and ask what she'd like as you'd heard she was not happy with the vouchers.
Original poster
DoingTheBestICan · 09/04/2015 17:52

I don't buy a gift or voucher for sil as we don't buy for the adults and this year she told us that the card we had sent her was not acceptable.

She really does have a queen bee complex.

OP posts:
Theknacktoflying · 09/04/2015 17:53

A gift is just that .... an unsolicited present and if your SIL has a problem with it then so be it.

YANBU

waithorse · 09/04/2015 17:53

How can she complain, when she bought nothing for your dc ? Hmm Gift vouchers are great. My dc love them. I'd have to pull her up on this.

Jaredletoisking · 09/04/2015 17:56

no thought has gone into them.

Must admit I have said this to my sister when she bought me a voucher for Christmas.

Tbh I was annoyed. I'd spent ages deciding and buying her gift, her partner and nephew. I spent around £100 on them.

In return she'd got me a voucher.

But I think it's different in your situation. Sounds like SIL is rather grabby, and she's hardly in a place to comment if she doesn't reciprocate the gift giving.

BeansInBoots · 09/04/2015 17:57

I would just apologise that she didn't deem the vouchers suitable gifts and then go on to say that it's probably easier all round if you follow her lead and don't do presents for adults or children?

HeartShapedBox · 09/04/2015 17:59

I love vouchers for my three, it's better than someone wasting their money on something the kids don't like or already have.

She sounds like a right ungrateful bitch.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 09/04/2015 18:02

Your Sil is ungrateful. If she would rather they had a gift to unwrap she could go spend the vouchers on toys and wrap them herself.
Personally as a kid I loved vouchers as a gift, it meant I had money to burn on any old tat I wanted, it was great!
I send vouchers to my nephew now, he lives so far away that it costs more in postage than the gift is worth. So I spend the same (if you add postage to old gift) but he gets more.

Flissypix · 09/04/2015 18:04

I don't understand her at all. For xmas my dds aged 4 and 7 got vouchers from a friend they didn't understand what they were but when I explained that it meant they could go to xyz shop and pick anything they wanted (upto the value) they were delighted.
I would much rather have vouchers over a un desired present. As for them not being a gift that is nonsense unless she also regards cash as not a gift.

Collaborate · 09/04/2015 18:09

I'd confront her about it. It's not up to her what you get her kids. Similarly it's not up to you whether she gets your son anything. Given her sense of entitlement, I'd prick her bubble by getting her and the kids no presents or vouchers in future. Just get her kids a card and don't bother with her.

Had similar with my sister a few years back. She'd not got me a birthday present for a couple of years, so I just didn't get her anything more than a card her next birthday (happened to be her 40th). A month later my mum takes me to one side and explains sister was wondering when she was going to get her present. The bare faced cheek! I explained that she'd stopped getting me presents, then sister contacts me direct to complain that I was passing on messages like this through our mother!!! Apparently she was sure she'd got me something. The difference was, when she got me nothing, I didn't give a shit and didn't make a fuss. It's just the hypocrisy that boils my piss.

Like in your case.

KurriKurri · 09/04/2015 18:11

I really don;t get this griping over the type of gift - a voucher is a gift, money is a gift - gifts don't actually require you to spend hours thinking of something unique and personally tailored - that is something you do for very close family but not for everyone. I am all for vouchers - if she knows its vouchers and doesn't like it she could always go out and buy the kids something with the vouchers as she knows what they want.

honestly the entitlement of some people ' you haven;t put ENOUGH thought into my present' - it still a gift - a treat that you have gained from.

And since she hasn't bought anything for your child then she has put even less though into a gift - so I would stop with the gifts now and tell her you think she is ungrateful and she never sends anything for yours. She sounds awful.

Original poster
DoingTheBestICan · 09/04/2015 18:14

Thank you all, so maybe it could have been taken as unthought full on my part, but from now on I am sending nothing, not even a card as she has said that the cards we send are too small, reader these are normal every day cards that are freely available in all good card shops.

OP posts:
ARoomWithoutAView · 09/04/2015 18:14

She sounds spoilt and needy.

KurriKurri · 09/04/2015 18:17

Too Small ????? I'd be tempted to send her a 6ft square card covered in glitter.

Alexandpea · 09/04/2015 18:23

YANBU. She sounds unbelievably rude and entitled. So sorry that your kindness has been treated with such sustain Flowers

Alexandpea · 09/04/2015 18:24

Sustain? Meant distain!