To not understand suburban/domestic bliss

[saltnpepa]

I am beginning to wonder if I am the only person that doesn't aspire to the suburban/domestic dream of a detached modern house with a double garage, manicured lawn and 2 weeks a year in Tenerife. It seems adverts on TV and pretty much everywhere sell this dream, this image of modern family life, but it leaves me cold at best and fills me with dread at worst. Surely there's more to life than that?

Word Factory People were defensive because OP originally asked whether she was "the only person that doesn't aspire to the suburban/domestic dream of a detached modern house with a double garage...etc etc"? The answer to that is no, obviously, of course she is not, and why on earth would she think she might be? To many posters, it seemed (a) patronising to assume that no-one else could see through the advertisers' consumerist fantasy (b) immature and unintelligent not to realise that some people don't have much choice about where they live, or have made compromises with their own preferences so as to fit in with the career or schooling needs of their DH/DP/DC, and (c) judgemental about people who actually enjoy the suburban lifestyle.

Suburbia's not my cup of tea, and I agree with earlier poster about the poor quality/design of many modern developments, but I don't think people live in the suburbs because of TV adverts. They live there because edge of town greenfield-site housing is mostly what's available/affordable in areas where there are jobs to be found - and also because the suburbs have facilities (schools, GPs, libraries, parks, sports facilities, a safe environment) that many people value during at least one stage in their lives.

Well for what it is worth OP I totally get it. I had a chaotic/dysfunctional childhood. Constant moves, 7 siblings various step parents and general hideousness. I left home at 16 with the plan to do 'it' properly, bought a house, got married, bought a bigger house had my 2 wonderful dds. Attained all those things I so desperatly wanted as a child, nice holidays, nice house, cars etc. Stable happy marriage and home.
Turns out its not all that, its boring and I wish I had known. I think in my case I did it too young and should have spent my teens and 20's travelling and exploring I just so wanted that perfect life.

I am very grateful for the life I have (compared to my childhood my dd have everything not just money wise either.) I just feel stuck I want to move and do something exciting but it seems selfish to do so and take my children from their lovely lives.

Florascotia has nailed it.

I agree - spot on flora.

You beat me to it, Chandler. I like Tenerife! If people can't be arsed to look outside their predictable resort, they get a predictable holiday. Which may be what they wanted, but they'd be idiots to just sit on the sand hating it.

The point is if you have enough money to buy a house in suburbia/go on holidays etc then you have enough money to pursue this alternative lifestyle whatever that may be. Go on then! However don't assume that people who choose a dull and cosy nest are uninformed twats. I have had enough drama in my life already without adding to it. Of course your opening post was goady nonsense and I doubt if we will hear from you again!

So what is your alternative idea of bliss OP? You still haven't told us!

I grew up in suburbia and hated it, but I was young as I think the op is. I moved to central London as soon as I legally could and lived in all sorts of places with all sorts of people. I loved it. DH has stayed in suburbia all his life, hates cities, wants to be in the middle of nowhere. Health problems and various other things have meant we have compromised and live in a small town between a small city and the coast.

I am suffocating, and long for London, but I shall probably never go there again.

However, my life is taking a positive turn and I have recently got very excited about a new kettle; dh has just come into the kitchen talking enthusiastically about pickling vinegar. There is everything to play for. (kill me NOW)

I think the same argument can be said of Suburbia as Tenerife!

I am sure it is possible to go to Tenerife and spend your whole holiday eating egg and chips, hanging out in English bars and drunken nightclubs.

Equally you could go to Tenerife explore the amazing scenery, the massive cliffs, banana plantations, caves and archeological sites.

The same could be said of suburbia. Life is what you make it. I could spend my weekends at ikea and grooming my lawn,
but I prefer to spend my time at a feminist group, hanging out with my wiccan friends having rituals to celebrate points of the year. I run my own business and run a breastfeeding support group. I practice Reiki, visit the gym several times a week, and sing with a jazz group.

Flissy you may feel your life is dull, but we need to grasp the nettle and live our lives to the max.
I lived in Java for a while and there were some people thought live was dull there.
If you have that mentality you can have a dull life anywhere.

How old are you, OP? And do u have kids? Just asking....i moved to a detached house in the country out six weeks a ago.

Im in HEAVEN.
A year ago, I'd have scoffed....Ive lived in London, Paris and San fransicso, done it all thanks, at the end of the day you just want stability.

But...I can't be arsed with boho bollox any more, of whatever passes as alternative for you......sick of student neighbors, gigs and house parties, and if you have kids eventually the thing that makes you the happiest is seeing them happy. My kids are delighted that they actually have a garden now......and are amazed at internal stairs.......we lived in a flat before with a shared "yard". I know no fucker will be waking me up, sticking kebab leaflets through my door or pasting a parking ticket on my windscreen. I can shout at my kids all day if I want, nobody can hear (insert evil cackle). I don't give a shit what my neighbors get up to, and I don't need to.....it's

Suburbia is not a place really, it's more an attitude. people sitting around watching Telly every night, that is mental suburbia and much more indicative of a lifestyle than moving away from the noise. We don't watch much Telly at all, we tend to spend out evenings doing stuff and my husband plays in a band....so that stuff will stop us from becoming a clone. I hope.....

Fulltothebrim. I 100% agree with you, I have am trying to make the most of it. I live in a small town there is just not much to do, I went back to study which I have loved,I do the PTFA stuff (which I also enjoy) but can't help feeling that there must be more. That I spent my entire life trying to reach this perfect 2.4 life,and it's not actually the be all and end all like I thought it was. My friends are either SAHM who love making their homes/family their life or still single and living in fabulous places with exciting lives. I am neither.
We don't watch much TV don't really have time, I am very busy but busy doesn't equal fulfilled.

flissy- I would gently suggest then that it is more about you than where you live. There is no guarantee that if you lived in Rio or New York or Marrakesh that you would find life suddenly exciting.
I also think it is about managing our expectation and compromise.
It also never pays to judge the lives of others.
I have a good friend who has 5 million in the bank and spends a lot of her time being miserable. Others look at her jetting off to Mexico and driving her sports car.
Many may not know she has an abusive husban- she is too scared to leave.
She has one adult son in supported living because of his SNs and another who has attemped suicide several times because he feels he can never live up to his father's high expectations.

I love Tenerife, but as flight crew I admit Tenerife and surrounding area airports is the worse gig around except maybe the Caribbean.....

I dunno, full, I live in a small town these days and it ain't a patch on Rio! I empathise with Fliss. You can't walk down the road and find something lively/amazing/interesting. Start your own something and nobody comes. Small towns aren't suburbia, though - the whole point of suburbs is that they're attached to a city with, presumably, decent transport links and countryside in the opposite direction. It should be fairly easy to make what you want of life in a suburb; certainly a lot of people do.

Word Factory People were defensive because OP originally asked whether she was "the only person that doesn't aspire to the suburban/domestic dream of a detached modern house with a double garage...etc etc"? The answer to that is no, obviously, of course she is not, and why on earth would she think she might be? To many posters, it seemed (a) patronising to assume that no-one else could see through the advertisers' consumerist fantasy (b) immature and unintelligent not to realise that some people don't have much choice about where they live, or have made compromises with their own preferences so as to fit in with the career or schooling needs of their DH/DP/DC, and (c) judgemental about people who actually enjoy the suburban lifestyle.

I asked if I was the only person because almost everyone I spoke to about it in RL said they felt the suburban dream was their aspiration too, that's why I came on here to ask a bigger audience.

I assumed that there were other people who could see through the consumerist/advertising of the fantasy which is why I asked, I expected other people to say they felt the same and their life was different in whatever way.

It goes without saying that some people can't chose where they live but I wasn't asking about where people lived I was asking about the suburban dream, did other people aspire to it too?

I haven't said anything judgemental, just that it is not for me.

I am 36, no tattoos, own hair colour and worried about leaving a vibrant small city for life in the suburbs. It has been fascinating reading other peoples take on things and if I have offended anyone I apologise, my intention was to have an interesting debate

I don't live in the suburbs however my life is quite dull, I don't blame the OP for wanting more.

Do you feel like you've already 'done' your own thing OP? I ask partly because we are a similar age.

I have lived abroad, been a full time athlete competing in an alternative but quite intense sport, spent 3 years completely immersed in the hedonism of the most 'Brideshead' Oxford college, had an unusual job for a while involving a lot of theatre in education and worked in frontline jobs with extremely challenging young people.

Now I am so ready to potter for a few years and I am loving having the chance to breathe.

In a few years I will throw myself back into my career. For various reasons DS will probably go to boarding school at 13 and then I might look to be a Headteacher or maybe found a Free Special School for children with severe and complex challenging behaviour.

This suburban 'mummy' lull is lovely though. Not much more to worry about than whether my bird feeder is full- bliss to me right now.

Hi OP, I agree it's an interesting debate, but in my mind having kids tilts your priorities and for most people it would be house and garden, safety, amenities..... It's what changed us....apart from living in a fascinating city and never seeing it after sunset because of babies and the logistics of getting out n about. That was actually v depressing.

You need to be ready. For us, it was hitting forties.

chatlesryder, I like the lack of stress!

I don't really know what I aspire too and that's part of the problem. Anyone who aspires to anything has my admiration for being mature and self aware enough to have worked out what they want and where they want it and how to get it. I can't decide what brand of teabags to buy, let alone what sort of lifestyle I would be happiest in.

My life probably is very similar to the one the op describes, and at the same time as loving my family and appreciating how very lucky I am, I also feel unfulfilled and as if life is passing me by. I suspect though that I am one of those aforementioned people who would feel this way if I lived in Paris or Chicago or Argentina or anywhere.

I think the op is expressing uncertainty, curiosity and perhaps fear, albeit in a not-so-tactful way, rather than sneering at people.

You will find, op, that you still need the loo unblocking and the window fixing or whatever wherever you live. I've lived in some exciting, dangerous and squalid places and I know this to be true. I now live modestly in the suburbs for peace, safety, running water and a garden.
If all your friends are heading towards suburbia, don't dismiss their choices and don't for heaven's sake say "am I the only" on mumsnet when you mean "out of the small group of people I know".

So how does life in a city, for the individual, differ on a day to day basis to the suburbs?

I live on the outskirts of a largish town, you could call it the suburbs I suppose, or a suburban village. I wouldn't swap for life in the city, I would miss my large private garden and tree lined avenues. I would miss the village school and parks, I would miss the local post office and butchers and bakers. I would miss the safe spaces for my cats to roam, I would miss the quiet safe roads where my dd can ride her bike and scooter. I would miss the local pub where everyone is familiar.

Yes, I definitely agree having children changes your outlook tremendously.

IME the people I know who settled down and had kids when they were young, seemed to get the wanderlust when their kids flew the nest. The people who had kids when they were older seemed to have got things out of their systems when they were young and adventurous and then seemed to be more content with their comparatively boring suburban life. I don't know whether my small sample is representative?

You don't have to leave the city.

I'm raising three children in a city centre flat apartment. Lots and lots of people do it all over the world.

There are drawbacks: we don't have outdoor space ( but are a minute from the local park) it can be noisy sometimes, children are exposed to some extremes of life early on (homelessness/ anti social behaviour)
I feel guilty sometimes that we don't have a garden and the children don't play outside in the way they could on a cul de sac.
But on the whole we are a community, they have lots of friends and we love our city. Now aged 10 my eldest can visit the park and swimming pool with friends and is becoming quite streetwise.

I grew up in the suburbs but it was a council estate. It wasn't living the dream by any stretch - there was alot of violence, drinking and drugs.

Gralick yes thats it there just isn't anything here and the majority of people who live here have barely left and are very happy to just continue like everyone before them. I genuinely envy that satisfaction with life.

Juan yet that's exactly how I feel. Waiting for my life to begin properly.