To be disappointed with the Headteacher?

[CrustyTolkien]

Name changer and some details slightly changed to protect identity.

My DS is in y5 and has struggled with another DC's behaviour for 3+ years. Many many meetings with school HT and strategies put in place, but no real improvement. Exclusionary behaviour, superior attitude and some mild physical violence. It comes and goes but it's always bubbling under the surface. I try to see it as 50/50 between the 2 of them, but word on the playground (I know, I know) is that this DC is an utter challenge to many other DC and is known to display manipulative behaviour. The HT always suggests that they should just try to be friends or play separately which I've always seen as a bit wet. We're going through an okish patch at the moment and DS finds it manageable. BUT I've just found out that the DC's parent (head of PTA dontcha know?) is holidaying yet again at the HT's holiday home. This is about the 4th time. There is no prior relationship between HT and DC parent to joining the school (same time as us), but DC parent is a certain type, who fosters relationships with VIPs. AIBU to think that the HT should be more separate from parents at the school to prevent any impartiality?

Yes, I think the HT should be more separate from parents.

However, why do you find the suggestion that they should just try to be friends or play separately, a 'bit wet'?

What suggestions did you come up with?

Yes. Head teachers should have no social lives at all. Members, and particularly the Chairs, of PTAs have huge amounts of influence over the running of schools, and their children always get preferential treatment and that is the only reason anyone ever takes the role.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Completely agree HT should keep themselves separate from PTA member. I've come across this before and find it unprofessional. I've also experienced sweeping under the carpet of bullying in primary - let's all sit down together and discuss it, forcing your child to keep reliving it to the extent they don't want to complain anymore as they know they have to bring this stuff up again and usually miss a playtime into the bargain so it's like they're being punished. There's no punishment, no major telling off, no matter what the innocent party gets some blame. The only thing that worked for me was telling the deputy head to tell his parents if it happens again I'll be phoning the police next time, end of. It stopped. Good luck. One more year to go for you.

I think the HT is unable to admit that this DC is the catalyst in many of the clashes in this form. If the HT wasn't so willing to just pat the situations down and say "ooh, let's try to play along nicely" then this DC may be able to have some behaviour modification offered to it, perhaps then learning to behaviour in a more acceptable way, and then life would be improved for many, including this child. When Ofsted was last in, the HT was advised to deffriend all parents on FB, as it was seem as inappropriate, which the HT duly did. I actually think letting one family use the holiday home frequently and gratis, is more inappropriate.

I agree that Heads should not be overly friendly with parents of children in their school.

It will inevitably lead to finger-pointing and perceived favouritism at the very least and possible actual favouritism at worst.

Not terribly professional I don't think (I'm a teacher by the way) and I don't know any Head, in any school I've worked in, who was overly involved with any parent on a social level.

Yeah, that's made me feel so much better, cheers Hakluyt.

It does sound very unprofessional as is the unwillingness to properly deal with the behaviour.

What a ridiculous post.
The ht probably let's out their holiday home to people he knows
Guess what,he knows them. Strangely they have met during PTA meetings
As for the bullying you have said yourself it's 50/50.
Kids need to learn to get along.
Don't see that the ht has done anything wrong here?

I agree with Salmotrutta.

If this child is a challenge for others, could you get all the parents to complain? Then the head wouldn't be able to ignore it or play it down (if that is what's going on) because of a relationship with the parents.

Well then OP according to maddy you should also be able to holiday at the Head's holiday home since you know him/her having been to lots of meetings with him/her.

Not ok for the head to rent the property to anyone at the school. I can't beleive anyone thinks this is ok . They are gaining commercial (and therefore ecenomic) advantage because of their proffesional status and relationshisps. Even if this is in the form of free advertising... Imagine a midwife owned a birthing pool and was renting it out (and just happened to let slip to her pregnant ladies that she was doing this- or indeed put up a flyer in the clinic). Or if a psychologist in the nhs 'mentioned' that they also did private practice..Completely not ok is it? Other proffesions are regulated very tightly by thie governing bodies to prevent this kind of thing- I am mesmerised that HT's are not...
As for the 'problem behaviour' - find their policy on bullying and remind them that they should be implemeting it. This kind of low-level crap can often be burshed under the carpet but can be really damaging for dc self-esteem. It effectively says that they are condoning this kind of behaviour and that other childrens distress does not matter. But you should expect and encourage the school to be equally challenging with your son if he is engaged in similar (50/50) behaviour.

I believe a few other people have has meetings. Attitude is the same. But attitude is alwats similar, whether this DC is involved or not (seen it in action with my younger DC, and other parents have mentioned He's tactics wrt friendship issues).

He's =HT's.

Not renting hettie, it's a free let.

You're right hettie with son's behaviour. I'd absolutely want to know if my child was a challenge, so that I had a chance to deal with it.

OP you could ask for their
Anti-bullying policy to see exactly if they're following procedures. It should be available online if they have a website.

Be careful about taking the words of
Other children on board - you must treat this alleged 'bully' only with regards to YOUR child.

Hettie I'm sorry but your wrong. Following your examples it would be like a teacher offering private tuition out of school hours or a nhs dentist offering private treatment. All perfectly allowable.

If it's a free let then that is showing favouritism of a sort isn't it?

Unless the Head is going to offer the holiday home to all of the parents he knows well...

I'd say that's pretty dubious tbh.

How do you know all this about the HT, OP?

The way the HT deals with friendship issues? I'm in the meetings. The free holiday let? The parent told me and has told others.

Oh, fair enough. It just sounded a bit gossipy from your posts.

Naah. There is gossip re the situation as yiu can imagine. But this thread is about facts that I know.

a headteacher should not need Ofsted to point out that it is totally and utterly inappropriate to have parents as friends on Facebook. that's been a standard part of safeguarding training in my area for at least 6 years

I'm not sure I totally agree. I think Head shouldn't get too close to Chair of Governors/ head of PTA, just to show impartiality and professionalism.

Whether the free holiday let is an influence or not on the HT's actions, the fact that the HT has accepted this free gift or service from a parent is unprofessional. local Authorities have clear policies on this and ask that it be declared. It's unprofessional as it leaves the HT open to accusations of favouritism, and understandably so.
OP the parent has told you the HT gets the use of the holiday home- it may not be true. In any case I would ask the HT about it, preferably when the parent is present "I've wondered if you're reticent to progress this issue because DC's parents give you free use of their holiday home?" Keep an eye on both their faces and you should get a sense of if it's true or not.