To be disappointed with the Headteacher?

[CrustyTolkien]

Name changer and some details slightly changed to protect identity.

My DS is in y5 and has struggled with another DC's behaviour for 3+ years. Many many meetings with school HT and strategies put in place, but no real improvement. Exclusionary behaviour, superior attitude and some mild physical violence. It comes and goes but it's always bubbling under the surface. I try to see it as 50/50 between the 2 of them, but word on the playground (I know, I know) is that this DC is an utter challenge to many other DC and is known to display manipulative behaviour. The HT always suggests that they should just try to be friends or play separately which I've always seen as a bit wet. We're going through an okish patch at the moment and DS finds it manageable. BUT I've just found out that the DC's parent (head of PTA dontcha know?) is holidaying yet again at the HT's holiday home. This is about the 4th time. There is no prior relationship between HT and DC parent to joining the school (same time as us), but DC parent is a certain type, who fosters relationships with VIPs. AIBU to think that the HT should be more separate from parents at the school to prevent any impartiality?

How do you know that the child in question is the "catalyst" and not th eone being picked on?

It's the HT's holiday home that they are letting these parents stay at.

TiredButFine - the holiday home belongs to the HT and the HT is letting this parent use it a lot.

Hugely inappropriate, I think the authorities would take a very dim view of these kinds of arrangements, it compromises the professionalism of the HT and their perceived neutrality. If you think that this relationship between the parents and HT has effected the way the conflict between the children has been dealt with then I think you have ground to complain.

Is a ht not allowed to have friends? It's fairly common to teach in your local community. Therefore you make friends ,your children make friends etc

It's perfectly acceptable. You have said yourself that it's 50/50 between your child and this other child.
The advise the ht has given you seems sound and not dubious
I fail to see the issue here

What sort of school is it, OP?

Just you used the term "form" instead of "class" so I'm wondering if it's private, in which case the LA won't have a view about any perceived impropriety.

Of course HTs are allowed to have friends maddy - but it is totally unprofessional to be overly friendly with parents of children at your school.

And even if it wasn't unprofessional it would be skating on thin ice leaving the HT open to all sorts of accusations of unfairness.

Especially a HT who had to be advised to Unfriend parents on FaceBook - that actually beggars belief and leads me to think they are pretty daft tbh.

Of course a head teacher can have friends but having close friendships, especially those involving bestowing gifts and hospitality, with the parents of current pupils is inappropriate and unprofessional. I'm assuming it's a state school if OFSTED have inspected, I think the HT is shockingly naïve or arrogant when you consider OFSTED has pulled them up on the issue of FB friendships with parents in the past.

I'm close friends with the HT at my DC school. I've been a governor for a few years and got to know him well and we're now pretty close. It's common for people to make friends at work and I guess that's what's happened with us.

I trust him absolutely to be impartial should anything ever arise like this, however fortunately it hasn't.

I realise its not ideal, but I'm extremely aware of the possibility of perceived favouritism so I would never mention anything to any other parents, none of whom would know I have anything other than a passing professional-type relationship with him.

I certainly wouldn't want to dump a good friend just purely because he happens to be the HT at my DC school.

Sounds to me like both the parent and the HT in this situation are behaving less-than-appropriately. Putting parents on FB, for crying out loud!

I thought Ofsted inspected all schools, not just state schools.

I think it is common to make friends at work but I am also mindful of not developing more than professional good relations with those people who I line manage because this could lead to conflicts of interest. However the fact that the HT has developed a friendship with people who are so indiscrete also makes me question their judgment.

So FriendswithHT you must realise it's dodgy ground then if you are careful to keep your close friendship with the head a secret?

By the way SubjrbanRhonda I doubt that an HT having a close friendship with a parent would be viewed any differently in an independent school (where other parents would undoubtedly be all over that like a rash and complaining loudly too) as i have done supply in independents previously.

My comment was in response to the PP who said the LA would take a dim view of it.

If it's a private school, surely the LA would have no jurisdiction and therefore no view about whom the HT chose to be friends with?

I realise it may be perceived badly Salmotrutta, if that's the same thing. It wasn't something I set out to do at all, it's just happened gradually and while I know there is the potential for problems, it is what it is, and I'm loathe to let a good friend go for only that reason.

I don't have a problem with a head renting out his holiday home to a PTA chair. Unless the PTA is some other type of organisation than the one that organises cake sales and the end of term party at our school

You sound like you're justifying an affair FriendswithHT seriously though I think it's unprofessional for things to 'happen gradually' and people make choices as to whether to allow a good working relationship to evolve into a personal friendship and in my view it should remain on a professional basis only whilst you have DC at the school.

Look at the complaints procedure will indicate what the school should be doing. Each meeting should b followed up in writing with review dates and action plan. Make sure other DC parents are involved. Year 6 is worse!!!!! 2 reasons 1) your child will feel victimised and will find high school difficult with friendship/trust issues ... other dc will find high school difficult because they wont make friends and existing friends will find new friends. Therefore HT is not doing either child any favours. Keep a record of all incidents meetings, emails and calls. Log dates concern and response.

And you are a governor? This is so very wrong. I question your judgement and your suitability to remain as a governor.

Yes, you're right Suburban that the LA would have no jurisdiction but OFSTED might (I don't know as we don't have OFSTED up here) and the Board Of Governors in a private school may also take dim view of the HT playing favourites.
FWIW we still have GTC(S) up here and they are always reminding us about FaceBook behaviour etc. and not being inappropriate.

By "gradually" I meant I didn't set out to cultivate a relationship with him in the way the OP describes- I am not the type to schmooze "VIPs"!

Yes I suppose there was a choice, although I didn't feel it was an issue as it would not occur to me to take advantage of the situation in any way -if anything I'd do the opposite.

I suppose I could step away, but on the basis that I would not ever seek any advantage, I don't want to step away just because of a principle. And my DC will be in the school for a good few years yet.

I do appreciate your point of view Peachy and would probably think the same myself if I were neutral in this discussion. I realise that makes me hypocritical.

Op - at the very least the head shouldn't be making decisions / overseeing disputes if he is linked (more than the normal pupil/teacher way) to any child involved in the dispute or the child's family. How could you rely on him to be fair!

If I made a complaint about someone at work and they were good friends with the hr manager I would expect someone impartial to step in and look after things.

Surely the head should let the deputy or similar handle this.

I would also say that it is unprofessional for the above reason, he is losing impartiality. Not a problem as long as he can offload that work onto another teacher but still not great behaviour as there is a conflict of interest here.

It's a state school.
How do I know this child is the catalyst. Well, whenever there is friendship issues in the class this child is usually nvolved. With the same allegations of the same behaviour from this child. It's not really too difficult to come to a conclusion. When I said it was 50/50with my son, I've always been big enough to see that it may be 6 of one and half a dozen of another, and I'm fully aware that it's all told with a child's spin and very he says/she says/he says. But after it being ongoing so long, and the DC of my friends being affected in similar ways, I think the conclusion I'm drawing that it's predominantly this DC isn't too wide if the mark. Also I've seen some of this child's manipulative behaviour myself. I'm absolutely not stating that my son is beyond reproach or an angel.

Oh and I didn't say it was 50/50, I said I tried to see it as 50/50 as we all know what childhood fracas are like.

The Head at my kids primary was big buddies with the head of the PTA. They each had two kids at the school, out of five plays, they did a big producton every summer, one of their kids had the lead for four years. The other year it was the child of the school administrator. Apparently it was entirely on merit.

I didn't mean one child had the lead four times, I mean for four of the plays one or other of their four children had the lead. The year their was a gap it was the administrators child.