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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not trust dh with dc after this.

69 replies

fabyork3 · 06/04/2015 22:42

So we have been away for a week staying in a lodge. Dh is anaemic and spent much of the holiday wanting to do very little. After 2 days of him hanging around lodge and me taking dc out on site it was agreed that he would stay home with youngest 2 aged 2 and 9 and I would take out eldest. Middle one wanted to stay with dad.
We had a lovely afternoon but upon returning home dh admitted he took himself off to bed for a few hours leaving 9 year old to watch toddler. Toddler also had a soiled bottom.
I said I wasn't happy about this but he couldn't see problem.
surely ianbu

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/04/2015 22:47

I can see why you're annoyed but it's not as though he actually left them alone.

Not sure how you can enforce not letting him be around his own children unsupervised either.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 06/04/2015 22:48

Well he's ill isn't he so he probably shouldn't have been left with the younger one as she would need too much physical care.

Is he having treatment? Anaemia is vile op and it made me totally exhausted.

Dieu · 06/04/2015 22:49

I read that thinking 'FFS man, man up'. Hope that doesn't make me too much of a bad person

WorraLiberty · 06/04/2015 22:50

If the kids were happy it seems ok to me as he was there if the 9yr old needed him. It's not like your DH has chosen to be anaemic.

The soiled nappy, well perhaps your 9yr old didn't notice it and nor did your 2yr old?

I must admit I've been guilty in the past of opening a nappy and being amazed there was a shite in there, because it didn't smell and they didn't kick up a fuss.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/04/2015 22:50

Is he having proper treatment for his anaemia? Is it a side-effect of something worse? I am not a doctor but I quickly looked it up and it's unusual for an adult male to have anaemia severe enough to make him unable to look after a toddler for a couple of hours despite having volunteered to do so.

WorraLiberty · 06/04/2015 22:51

Not a 'bad' person Dieu but perhaps one who's ignorant of the effects of anaemia?

Dieu · 06/04/2015 22:52

Hands up Worra, fair point.

Topseyt · 06/04/2015 22:53

Is his anaemia causing him to be particularly ill and tired?

Perhaps he shouldn't be left alone with them for too long until it is more under control??

I presume he is taking treatment for it?

arethereanyleftatall · 06/04/2015 22:54

I don't think what he did was that bad, so yabu.
Firstly, he's anaemic, so knackered.
Secondly, your 9yr old would have woken him if there was a problem.

Jackieharris · 06/04/2015 22:54

Yabu to your question.

It's not the end of the world.

But I'd want to check out why he's so ill/ why he offered to 'babysit'/is he generally lazy/incompetent?

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 06/04/2015 22:55

They're his children. Policing his parenting is not ideal, unless there is real danger involved.

If you don't trust him with them maybe you should discuss parenting standards with him more often? It's very difficult if one person "just knows"
what the kids are now capable of at age x but doesn't discuss this with the other parent.

UnsolvedMystery · 06/04/2015 22:56

It wouldn't be enough to stop me from trusting him, but I don't think it was ok for him to do that. A 9yr old really isn't able to take responsibility for a 2yr old.
But if he was ill, why would you leave him on his own in charge or 2 kids?
It would have made more sense for you to take the youngest out and leave the oldest at home.

Discopanda · 06/04/2015 23:02

Anemia does make you unbearably tired and feeling ill, it depends on the environment that they were left in. A 9 YO is probably well aware of various dangers but shouldn't really be left in charge of a 2 YO for a few hours. If he really REALLY had to sleep, he should have slept in the same room, it wouldn't be great quality sleep but at least he would have easily woken up if something happened.

Hakluyt · 06/04/2015 23:02

When you say "watch the toddler" what do you mean?

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 06/04/2015 23:04

I'd be more worried about your dh's anaemia having such a debilitating affect on him I think. Is he being treated for this? I've been anaemic (at one point my levels were so low they were talking about hospitalising me) and it was horrible, but it was fairly easily treated. I managed to keep up with day-to-day jobs/childcare though.

Yanbu to be annoyed your dc was left in a dirty nappy though.

WhenWillYouMakeMyTelephoneRing · 06/04/2015 23:05

I've had severe anaemia (bad enough to collapse and need a blood transfusion) and it did leave me exhausted at times, but in his shoes I'd have put on a DVD and dozed on the sofa, and told them to wake me if needed. I wouldn't have left them alone if I was the only adult and we were in an unfamiliar place. I also would have changed the nappy. I think for me this would be a 'final warning' offence. Plus, what's his treatment? Iron is very slow to get into the system in tablet form and if he's that bad he probably needs an iron infusion at least. What's his HB level?

TheCatsFlaps · 06/04/2015 23:08

Is this a one-off or a pattern? I don't think trust should be negated through a single incident.

BlinkAndMiss · 06/04/2015 23:09

Well it's hardly about trust - please gain an understanding about how utterly incapacitating anemia can be before bringing trust into it. Perhaps DH didn't realise how exhausted he would feel, if it's quite severe it will also affect his ability to make rational decisions.

Please tell me he's having treatment for this? It's dangerous in either sex but probably worse in men because the underlying reasons are not as simple or predictable as they can be in women. Your poor DH.

Molichite · 06/04/2015 23:09

Depends. If he'd reassured the 9 year old that he/she could wake him at any time, I think that would probably be ok. I've dozed on the sofa with pregnancy exhaustion while a toddler watched tv, it's not that different.

The holiday sounds like hard work, hope you are all ok.

Fairylea · 06/04/2015 23:37

I wouldn't be happy about that at all. I leave my 2.9 year old downstairs with my 12 year old for 15 mins while I have a shower and that's a struggle for me as I worry but I know that's a bit extreme! I can't imagine just taking myself off to bed for a nap leaving a 2 year old and a 9 year old alone....and I have severe thyroid and pituitary issues. If you need to be awake you make sure you are. Lots of people have anaemia, thyroidism and other problems that cause severe drowsiness but they don't just fall asleep if it's not safe to do so.

Babymamamama · 07/04/2015 00:26

I don't think it was on. Nine years is too young to be in charge of a toddler IMO but can see I'm in the minority at least first few pages of this thread. But then I think generally if you're watching children that should involve remaining conscious.

PurpleSwift · 07/04/2015 00:29

Anemia leaves you totally exhausted. The LO should have gone with you

DancingDinosaur · 07/04/2015 00:34

Not sure. My dh has anemia too, and it is very hard for him. Tbh I wouldn't have a problem with him doing that at home, as my oldest would wake him up if there was a problem. Not so sure in a strange place though, depends how safe it was there. I'd probably struggle with that a bit. But then again if dh was feeling really tired that day I wouldn't have left the kids with him anyway, not fair on any of them really.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 07/04/2015 00:35

Just to be clear, my post wasn't an endorsement of leaving the 2yr old with a 9yr old. I agree, fairylea - I wouldn't have done it either. The tiredness with anaemia is awful, but I always managed the basics of childcare.

DVD on, and a kip on the sofa would have been an ok compromise.

But I would like to know if the dh is being treated for the anaemia?

MistressMerryWeather · 07/04/2015 00:35

Things could have been better dealt with yes, but I'm not sure he had much choice.

With anemia the tiredness can just hit you like a brick wall. Maybe this is a case of him not being well enough to look after the DC alone right now, rather than not trustworthy?

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