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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not trust dh with dc after this.

69 replies

fabyork3 · 06/04/2015 22:42

So we have been away for a week staying in a lodge. Dh is anaemic and spent much of the holiday wanting to do very little. After 2 days of him hanging around lodge and me taking dc out on site it was agreed that he would stay home with youngest 2 aged 2 and 9 and I would take out eldest. Middle one wanted to stay with dad.
We had a lovely afternoon but upon returning home dh admitted he took himself off to bed for a few hours leaving 9 year old to watch toddler. Toddler also had a soiled bottom.
I said I wasn't happy about this but he couldn't see problem.
surely ianbu

OP posts:
base9 · 07/04/2015 00:37

I don't think it is safe to have the toddler w/o adult supervision for several hours. If your dh cannot stay awake for that long then the lo should stick with you. That does sound very serious, though - I hope he is getting the medical care he needs. You two need to discuss what is safe while he is so ill and adjust life accordingly.

Gennz · 07/04/2015 00:38

I was anaemic when I was 28 weeks pregnant and it was vile, I felt like I'd been run over by a truck, but I still managed to get up & get dressed and go to the office to pretend to work

I don't see why your DH couldn't have put on a DVD and lazed on the couch with the toddler. My anaemia was sorted pretty quickly with iron supplements, is there a reason his isn't being treated?

I'd be annoyed too OP.

MistressMerryWeather · 07/04/2015 00:38

The severity of anemia varies Sabrinna.

It's also very hard to monitor from day to day. He may have just not been up to it.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 07/04/2015 00:44

I realise that, Mistress - which is why I asked about treatment for him. They were talking about hospitalising me, and I just thought Noooo! because dh would have had to take time off work to look after the dc. But you don't just neglect your children, having agreed to take care of them that morning, so OP is nbu.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/04/2015 00:56

When I had unexplained tiredness that was eventually put down to lack of iron, I kept nearly falling asleep at work and on multiple occasions I was scared to leave the office to go home in case I fell asleep while on my way home. I was so tired sometimes that I genuinely felt like I could just fall asleep anywhere I stopped for a moment - maybe even standing up. It was horrendous. I look back and think it must almost be what narcolepsy is like. There was no fighting the need to sleep at times, there really wasn't.

lemonyone · 07/04/2015 01:12

If your DH is unwell with anaemia I don't think the question is whether you can trust your DH with your DCs - the question is whether you should have left your DCs with an ill DH.

Was your DH 'untrustworthy' as a father before the anaemia? If not, I just think you should shoulder a bit more of the childcare while he is getting well/getting treatment. It may suck having to be the main carer most of the time, but having had anaemia myself I felt so drained and awful the prospect of having to look after a toddler is something that I could have done, but not with any brilliance. I wouldn't have been thrilled if my DH had left the DC who took the most management with me, rather than - say - the two oldest DCs who could have happily put a DVD on and let me sleep.

Sorry you are in this position and hope your DH is feeling better soon.

sykadelic · 07/04/2015 01:33

I've suffered from iron deficiency anaemia for years, ever since I was in my teens (and I'm in my 30s now), so I don't understand this "he's ill" nonsense because you just get on with it. If he's not getting treatment then he needs to get treatment. If it's not working, then he needs more treatment. Being tired isn't great, but that's not an excuse to be a shite parent.

If he was too tired to look after the children he should have said so. It wasn't like you were gone for days and days, it was a few hours. So no, I don't think you're unreasonable to to be wary of leaving him alone with the kids.

To be honest, I'd be more concerned that he doesn't see a problem rather than what he didn't do.

DancingDinosaur · 07/04/2015 01:35

But you don't just neglect your children, having agreed to take care of them that morning, so OP is nbu.

I guess op's dh didn't actually set out to do that. But its not a case of distrusting him. He's not well and he may have thought he was going to be ok, but he wasn't. I suppose he will realise his limitations soon, and so will op.

kali110 · 07/04/2015 02:02

Sab he was hardly neglecting his dc.
He probably thought he felt ok to watch them.
Im suffering with this right now.
I can feel fine one minute and then suddenly absolutely exhausted.
It's not like being a bit tired, it's like smillas said you can just fall asleep anywhere. Iv fallen asleep on the bus. Iv been talking to my partner and then suddenly crashed out in seconds, cup of tea in hand.
I don't feel refreshed afterwards either. Hour later i can go to sleep again.
My treatment isn't working either. The iron tablets that worked had side effects, new ones have done nothing for my tiredness. It's horrible.i'm getting headaches from being so exhausted.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 07/04/2015 02:28

Yeah, iron tablets are vile. They made me feel so ill. The sachets are slightly better. But, you know, if you take on care of a 2yr old, you have to care for that 2yr old.

My first post on this thread was concern for the dh's illness.

AwfulBeryl · 07/04/2015 07:02

I think it probably depends on the nature of the dc.
I would happily snooze in the same house if my sensible nephew was my own son and only looking after ( the least stroppy) one of my Dts. There is no way I would do the same with my niece of the same age with the other dt.

The sensible 9 year old nephew would put a dvd on close he curtains and snuggle up with the 2 year old and would call for help if needed.
The not so sensible (but equally lovely, I feel I should add) with the stroppy terrible 2 dt, gosh, I dread to think what that pair would get up to.

youarekiddingme · 07/04/2015 07:15

Another here who says don't underestimate the effects of anaemia.
When severe you literally cannot stay awake - with all the will in the world. You also get pains in joints.

If your DH is that I'll he's staying in lodge on holiday and unable to look after dcs I'd be going back to GP.

I take it from your post he's generally quite hands on and probably usually active if you've booked a lodge holiday? You haven't described a feckless lazy arse in general just annoyance at this particular event.

StarDustMonkey · 07/04/2015 07:24

Is he being treated for it? I suffer from anaemia and the tiredness is horrendous. Both times I have been pregnant my anaemia has become very serious, and there have been numerous times that despite my best efforts I have not been able to stay awake. It is awful fighting to stay awake, but having no control and falling asleep anyway. I have had to have naps on the sofa when my eldest was a toddler.

I wouldn't be mad at DH for this, more worried really. I hope he starts to feel better soon.

StarDustMonkey · 07/04/2015 07:28

Sabrinna I think your are seriously underestimating the effects of sever anaemia. With all the will in the world I can not stop myself from dropping off in seconds after the exhaustion hits - toddler or not. There really is no controlling it or staying awake because you have to (for the toddler), you can be petrified about falling asleep and still not manage to stop yourself from doing so.

insancerre · 07/04/2015 07:38

The thing with anemia is the fogginess that goes with the sheer exhaustion
When I was suffering from anemia, I couldn't think straight and found it hard yo make rational decisions. Its so much more than just feeling a little bit tired

PeachyPants · 07/04/2015 08:07

I'd be frustrated too especially after he'd agreed to look after them, if he genuinely has no control over falling asleep then it could be hazardous to leave them alone with him. I think whether I was angry towards him would be moderated by whether he was a bit lazy/irresponsible before he developed the anaemia and whether he has sought and is engaging in treatment for it. I think on the whole it can be frustrating if you know that if the roles were reversed you'd just have to suck it up and get on with things though. Flowers

Original poster
fabyork3 · 07/04/2015 08:37

Thank you for replies. Yes he is being treated for anemia and actually I am concerned about how tired he was on holiday. So much so that I said he should go back to doctors asap.
However, thinking about it now I guess I am a little sceptical as in when tiredness hits. For example he is well enough to do a 2 hour round trip to watch his beloved football team but next day can only muster energy to watch/snooze in front of the telly and play computer games. He also does commute to work fine and than slumps in front tv when home leaving me to deal with dc and cooking, washing up etc. Of course that could just be what anemia is like as I have never experienced it just sleep depravation from doing all the night wakings with 2 youngest dc.
So thinking about this holiday is a culmination of the general situation. He also has a laissez faire attitude to childcare at home thinking about it. I have been out before doing a parade type thing with eldest to find him upstairs on playstation (he had only judt gone up there) and the middle one had locked youngest in the conservatory.
Sorry this has become an unintentional massive drip feed.
Thinking about it maybe there is more to it than this. Maybe he is also depressed.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 07/04/2015 08:54

Your middle one locked the youngest in the conservatory before whilst your husband was supposed to be watching them.

That there it beggars belief that he would then think it's a good idea to leave him to watch the little one.If he didn't know that was going on and he was awake what the hell did he think could happen whilst he's asleep.

Original poster
fabyork3 · 07/04/2015 08:57

That was almost a year ago and he has matured alot since than but even so.

OP posts:
mummytime · 07/04/2015 08:58

Has he had investigations for the cause of his anaemia? Because that would be my real worry.

I have anaemia sometimes along with other health complaints. Some days I feel better than others. If I push myself one day I might feel worse the next. I can fall asleep very easily (Church is bad for this).

But if I was feeling bad I wouldn't want to agree toing be solely responsible for a small child. Easier at home, where you can put on a DVD, and snooze on the sofa near them, and a 9 year old can wake you.

Is he taking his medication? Does it interact with alcohol/food he is eating/not eating? Is he drinking too much tea/coffee? Or having milk when he takes iron tablets?

But if he really can't function then he really needs to see his doctor ASAP.

sanfairyanne · 07/04/2015 09:02

your dh's health sounds very concerning. i hope he is getting good care

eyebags63 · 07/04/2015 09:04

Anemia varies from mild to severe and so do the symptoms. If he is that unwell you probably shouldn't be on holiday or leaving him alone.

I think YABU.... a 9 year old can watch a toddler while their dad is in bed... any emergency simply requires waking the adult up.

Soiled bottom; well toddlers shit themselves don't they. Hardly the end of the world. I think unless there is some back story YABU to say you no longer trust him.

NancyRaygun · 07/04/2015 09:12

Sounds like his anaemia can be quite handy then when it strikes just when there are childcare/housecare/family tasks to do.

I would insist on the doctors again and point out the football example to him - he might not see how much he has come to rely on you and how much strain you are under.

You are being very fair in your wording OP but I wonder whether the truth is he is a lazy feckless arse that has found "being a bit anaemic" rather a useful diagnosis??

Having watched friends coping with anaemia there would be no football matches etc there was awake and OK or immediate bed.

crazylady12 · 07/04/2015 09:16

I have anemia I am also a single mum to two under 5 it is extremely hard but I would never leave my kids alone while I went to bed, it's not the 9 year olds job to watch the younger one I would be annoyed.

PeachyPants · 07/04/2015 09:21

I think that the highly discriminating timing of when these episodes of tiredness strike sounds suspicious. I agree with Nancy insist he goes back to the GP and point out how much strain you are under.

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