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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not trust dh with dc after this.

69 replies

fabyork3 · 06/04/2015 22:42

So we have been away for a week staying in a lodge. Dh is anaemic and spent much of the holiday wanting to do very little. After 2 days of him hanging around lodge and me taking dc out on site it was agreed that he would stay home with youngest 2 aged 2 and 9 and I would take out eldest. Middle one wanted to stay with dad.
We had a lovely afternoon but upon returning home dh admitted he took himself off to bed for a few hours leaving 9 year old to watch toddler. Toddler also had a soiled bottom.
I said I wasn't happy about this but he couldn't see problem.
surely ianbu

OP posts:

Corster7 · 07/04/2015 09:26

I had really bad anemia when I was pregnant with my last dc, bad enough I had to have a full iron transfusion at 31 weeks.
Yes I felt like I had been run over by a bus, also heart rate of 140 all the time.
Husband had to go to work as we would have no food,no bills paid etc.
I managed to take children to school had no choice.
I'm not saying that tiredness can overwhelm you because it can.
But if I felt that bad I would lie on sofa with the children safe in the room with me (one is disabled so I have to be extra vigilant)
Many parents who are on there own have to get on with it.
Esp when your dh seems to be taking the piss!
I would very nicely make him an appointment with a doctor and go in with him for support, see how he reacts to that.

eyebags63 · 07/04/2015 09:41

" the highly discriminating timing of when these episodes of tiredness strike"

Err, not really? Judging by what the OP says he is getting excessively tired the day after doing a lot of activity OR at the end of a long day. That sounds like quite a normal pattern to me?

It is a bit more unusual for men to get anaemic, I would be worried about what is causing it.

MrsHathaway · 07/04/2015 10:02

The convenient timing is about always having enough energy for things he wants to do, and very rarely having enough energy at home.

Either he's doing it on purpose, or he is not managing his illness well.

If gadding off to a football match puts him on the sofa for a couple of days, perhaps he should consider not going until his anaemia is more under control. If work knackers him out that much, he could look into taking some sick leave, or requesting reduced hours, or working from home.

If he needed to abandon the 2yo to the 9yo's care, he should have called you back.

He is getting his responsibilities and priorities wrong, and that has to stop, whatever the cause.

Original poster

fabyork3 · 07/04/2015 10:27

Has had some investigations which came back clear. His diet is pretty rubbish though although he does eat red meat but no salad or veg.

OP posts:

lemonyone · 07/04/2015 11:37

Fabyork - this does sounds a bit strange, and was exactly what I was wondering about.

I had anaemia, and it was similar to that weird exhaustion you get during your first trimester of pregnancy where you could almost fall asleep at traffic lights. And yet you look normal. My DH was kind of pissy with me (I got the feeling he thought I was laying it on thick) during my first trimester. I would come home from work and just collapse on the sofa and sleep and watch crap TV.
So in that respect, of course, you can hold down a job - but at the end of the day you have little energy for anything else.

Your DH sounds a bit…interesting. It does sound like he is cherry picking his moments. I think being shattered after work is fair enough. But perhaps the shit diet and video games is something to work on.
I feel like a good suggestion would be is that you will take on all childcare - provided he gets this anaemia sorted in the meantime - seeing a dietician etc. And if he is tired - then it's bed. None of these half-arsed ways of being tired like video games etc. He sounds like the way my kids are when they are sick, but not really sick. They are too well and get bored staying in bed so want to watch TV, but beg off any actual chores because they are too 'ill'.

littlejohnnydory · 07/04/2015 11:42

I don't think he did anything wrong.

WhenWillYouMakeMyTelephoneRing · 07/04/2015 12:12

What was his last HB test result? Is he only on iron tablets? What's the dose?

Original poster

fabyork3 · 07/04/2015 13:29

Well now I am confused. The tablets Ithought were iron tablets aren't. He was on folic acid which I believe is used to treat pernicious anaemia but he says he doesn't need them anymore. I suspect he was prescribed iron tablets bu they were never put on repeat and they have now run out.
No wonder he is tired although we do have iron tablets in the house which were prescribed previously so will get him to take those.
that dose was 200mg twice a day.

OP posts:

lemonyone · 07/04/2015 13:31

Fabyork - if he is not taking the medication he needs in order to have a good family life, then he is being a bit of a twit. I would be pretty cross about that as the problem is not going to go away if he doesn't take it in hand.

Original poster

fabyork3 · 07/04/2015 13:31

O no they have expired. Will ring pharmacy if he can't get doctors appointment.

OP posts:

sanfairyanne · 07/04/2015 13:35

has anyone investigated why he is anaemic/b12 deficient? get him to go back to the gp!

Original poster

fabyork3 · 07/04/2015 13:50

Think it could be medication related but has had endoscopy which was clear. Will make sure he has made an appointment today.

OP posts:

Original poster

fabyork3 · 07/04/2015 14:44

Found out he was on ferrous fumarat 210mg. Not sure dosage

OP posts:

WhenWillYouMakeMyTelephoneRing · 07/04/2015 16:07

If he's not taking anything, he's not going to feel better. Even when you're taking iron, it takes several weeks to build back up to the level where you feel less tired, so he really does need to address this right away. Unless of course the underlying cause has been identified, treated and resolved, but that doesn't sound likely.

Having anaemia isn't his fault. Knowing he needs medication but not getting it or taking it IS his fault. And if that only affected him, then it's just on his head. But it affects you and the kids too and so he must get his arse into gear.As I said earlier, I've been severely anaemic myself so I'm not criticising with no knowledge here.

kali110 · 07/04/2015 17:39

Get him a doc app. Im struggling. I was on what your husband was prescribed, unfortunately my pharmacy can't get any more at the moment so i was prescribed ferrous sulphate instead. They are doing bugger all.
I have no indication what days i will be exhausted. I could be doing something fun and then be exhausted, and still be exhausted the next day. I can't just carry on and do things.
I can't even keep my eyes open!

DrLego · 07/04/2015 18:41

I think you're being unreasonable and underestimating the effects of anaemia/illness on your DH. I do think he is being a twit if he is not concordant with his treatment however, but in my book yabu - he didn't pop to the pub with toddler at home, he fell asleep and is unwell.
yanbu re. needing to go back to doctors and follow up treatment.

DrLego · 07/04/2015 18:45

It's rather important he follows up on diagnostic investigations too. pernicious anaemia folate deficiency

Original poster

fabyork3 · 07/04/2015 20:42

Spoken to him and he has promised to book appointment. Has been taking tablets but has not been taking full dosage of 2

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 07/04/2015 21:27

Hmm. While I am completely aware that anaemia is a real, debilitating illness I think that, like depression, it's one of those things that selfish, lazy people can use as an excuse for getting out of pulling their weight in life. Vagueness about official diagnoses and/or sloppiness around taking medication can indicate that the person is using his/her alleged illness to get his/her own way, which sounds like it might be the case here.

(I'm not saying depression isn't real, either - just that people who self-diagnose as 'depressed' often mean 'You have to do everything I say and never expect anything of me, because I'm so special and sensitive.')

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