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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my "friend" was irresponsible last night? Bit long, sorry.

90 replies

Yambabe · 05/04/2015 18:07

I had a night out last night, with a friend that I have known for about a year. I met her initially at a music event through some mutual friends, we have since spoken on facebook and by text/phone fairly regularly but only met up again twice, in company.

She has always seemed nice enough, if a bit intense sometimes, and maybe a bit lonely. Mid 40s and long divorced but has a god job, own house & car, plenty of friends, full social life etc.

Anyway back to last night. I had a couple of tickets to go and see a local band that I am friends with via my son (they are his age-group rather than mine so late 20s) and DH didn't fancy it so I asked her if she wanted to go as I know she likes the same sort of music as me. It was in a nearby city, she lives on the outskirts and as I have not been too well this week I booked myself a city-centre hotel room for the night Plan was she would get a taxi in from hers, we would go for a meal and a catch-up, go to the gig, meet up with a few other people we know including the band for drinks afterwards then do the taxi journey in reverse with me getting dropped off on the way.

She seemed OK if a little giddy when we went to eat, had a couple of glasses of wine with the meal, all good so far. Then we got in the club and oh dear, she was knocking back the wine like it was going out of fashion. I wasn't even going to attempt to keep up (although I can put away a fair bit myself on a night out usually) and tried to gently suggest that she slow down a bit but to no avail. At this point she started to get a bit embarrassing, throwing herself at the lads, touching them inappropriately etc. They are nice blokes and took it well but I was mortified. I suggested that we maybe call it a night after the show and go home then but she was having none of it and off we went to the pub where she continued to make a show of herself, fell over a couple of times, was sitting on the knee of one of the blokes and trying to kiss him, you get the idea. At this point some of their girlfriends had turned up and this was NOT going down well.

I finally managed to get her out of the pub before anyone started a fight with her, by this point she could barely stand unaided and started to cry, saying that nobody loved her and that seeing some homeless people sleeping rough nearby had really upset her. I managed to bundle her into a cab and got her coherent enough to give her address to the driver (I didn't actually know where she lived) only to discover that it was a lot further out of town than I thought and for me to stay in the cab and see her home then come back to my hotel (which had been my first thought) would have cost more than the hotel room, and nearly as much as a taxi home for me would have been. So, feeling a little guilty and also quite angry, I got out at my hotel, gave the cab driver enough to cover her fare and left her to it.

I texted her this morning to see if she was OK and just got "bad head, talk later" back, nothing since. I know she had plans for other friends to go to hers today so I'm hoping she is just busy and possibly embarrassed.

I just can't believe that someone could get themselves quite so wasted in the company of someone they barely knew and depend on that other person to keep them safe and get them home, or maybe even not worry about how they were going to get home!

Sorry this has turned out so long and ranty. I still feel like I was a bit U to not see her all the way home but on the other hand I think she was a total arse to get herself in that state and just wanted to get it off my chest. AIBU to think that you just don't behave like that?

OP posts:

slimyhappypeople · 05/04/2015 19:36

mayfriday

"by this point she could barely stand unaided and started to cry"

If she had 'shagged the taxi driver' in those circumstances he would have been a rapist.

If people find that scenario funny, I think rape apologist is a perfectly apt term.

ResurrectAndEatShitChoc · 05/04/2015 19:38

See now it's ageist to say young ones don't know the consequences. Ageism works both ways

I'm in my early 20s and now what the consequences are. Doesn't mean I'm allowed too and my mum isnt.

Grown adults and we can do as we please

BIWI · 05/04/2015 19:39

I think this:

I expect she is most embarrassed because she's an older woman- looking a bit tragic, rather than the behaviour itself.

... is an ageist statement. Nothing about being experienced or knowing better.

ashtrayheart · 05/04/2015 19:40

Wine on a night out is always a bad idea in my experience I bet she has the horrors today, I get terribly anxious the day after a heavy night even when I haven't done anything shameful!

MrsDiesel · 05/04/2015 19:57

I would be frustrated and annoyed to. I don't see what else you were expected to do. I couldn't afford to see her home and go backto the hotel if it was so expensive. I can only just afford a night out at a push.

HappinessHappening · 05/04/2015 20:03

A few people here have said 'it happens' but I can honestly say I have never groped or sexually harrased or inappropriately touched anyone no matter how drunk I have been. Do you really see that sort of behaviour as normal? If a man kept trying to kiss me and touch me against my will I wouldn't be thinking 'ah well it happens, maybe he's on medication/stressed/not used to drinking'

Coldcabbagestew · 05/04/2015 20:10

I think you did enough by getting her in a taxi and paying for her fare.

TwoOddSocks · 05/04/2015 20:23

I would guess she probably didn't mean t get that drunk, maybe she was nervous. She's probably absolutely mortified about all of it now. It's annoying for you and ruined your evening but I'd probably let this one slide. I wouldn't be interested in hanging out with someone that did this regularly but as a one off accident it's definitely forgivable.

revealall · 05/04/2015 20:26

I meant it as that's how she would see herself. It's how I feel if I try and behave the way I did 20 years ago. It's not the same now. I'm sure if it was my first time going out and pulling it would be amusing. But as everyone knows I was a party girl carrying on now is tragic. Not that I'm not fun, will have a drink too many or make inappropriate comments sometimes but I'm aware I don't come across the same way as I did.

Sort of like not wearing the same clothes that were in fashion when you were young. Not that you can't look fashionable but it looks sad to try and look like you did 20 years ago.

WilburIsSomePig · 05/04/2015 20:29

I think she's entitled to drink as much or as little as she pleases. However, drinking so much that she's groping men and needs someone else to take responsibility for her safety is not acceptable. It's nothing to do with her age.

Trills · 05/04/2015 20:30

I have never groped or sexually harrased or inappropriately touched anyone no matter how drunk I have been

Me neither.

Her behaviour is equally "tragic" whether she's 25 or 45.

Tragic may be a good word for it actually - I feel a bit sorry for her that any woman ends up behaving like this - as if she needs male attention to feel validated and wanted (because of course being attractive to men is the most important thing).

Yarp · 05/04/2015 20:46

Thyme

That's why I think there's something wrong if a 40 odd year old is getting shitfaced

BIWI · 05/04/2015 20:47

I hope you're going to ask her for the taxi fare/her share of the taxi fare!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/04/2015 22:46

I'd maybe text her tomorrow with "hope you're feeling better today. By the way, you owe me £x for the taxi"

revealall · 05/04/2015 23:01

How was she planning to get home before she got smashed?

honeyroar · 05/04/2015 23:06

I think that her behaviour was awful. I probably wouldn't to go out with again either. She owes you and your friends an apology.

However I once put a very drunken friend in a taxi in her own when I was in my 20s and living in Paris. My other friends and I were drunk too and a nightclub wouldn't let us in if she was with us. I still feel bad for leaving her 25 years later.

ps, I've never made a pass at a taxi driver and don't know any friends who have either!

worridmum · 05/04/2015 23:15

my god if the OP had described a male friend touching inapproitply / attampting to kiss females I doubt it would just be called tragic and possiblly on medication / lightwieght he would be described in alot harsher terms with the most likely conquence having the police turn up on him and him getting a nice night out in the cells......

Pagwatch · 05/04/2015 23:20

The drunkest I got in public was because of nerves.
I drank more than I intended, a weird combination of trying to make myself relax and not paying enough attention to drinking water during our meal etc.

I told a whole table of really important people a rude joke, the punch line of which was ' no fucking way am I fucking doing that' and then threw up in my handbag.
The worst bit was I thought no one had noticed the whole 'vomit in the clutch bag' thing. I thought I'd passed it off with some aplomb.

AnyFucker · 05/04/2015 23:26

Maybe I am a soft touch, but she sounds like she was nervous and drank too much out of false bravado

I'd have taken her back to my hotel room, put her to sleep on her side in the bath and had a good night's kip myself

unless she has form of course, but op never said that

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/04/2015 23:42

Well I couldn't let my friend go home son her own in that state. But she got home safely thank the sweet Lord but things could have been very different.
I will say this if a man came up to me and started touching me inappropriately. I'd be calling it sexual assault, and I wouldn't look at it like that Oh. He was drunk. . He didn't know what he was doing

MisterDobalina · 06/04/2015 00:02

"A few people here have said 'it happens' but I can honestly say I have never groped or sexually harrased or inappropriately touched anyone no matter how drunk I have been."

Yy. I hate how this is being downplayed by some as part of the "unwinding", when really it's sexual harassment. Grim.

DianeLockhart · 06/04/2015 00:13

She is really irresponsible and yes I would have been pissed off.

She barely knows you yet she expected you to sort her out and get her home at your cost and with plenty of hassle to you. Selfish.

I would give her a wide berth from now on.

zipzap · 06/04/2015 00:25

Not fair on you definitely.

Hope you're going to ask her to reimburse you for the taxi fare!

And yes, definitely talk to her and find out why she turned your night out from something that could have been really nice to something that was a real disaster. If it embarrasses her - then tough, she should be embarrassed by her behaviour and apologise for it.

it would be interesting to see if there was a reason for it - doesn't sound like it's the first time she discovered a new strong drink without realising how strong it was or how drunk she was getting. Then you'll know how angry to be with her and whether or not you'd ever go out with her again!

Patsyandeddie · 06/04/2015 00:26

Nothing worse than sanctimonious pearl clutchers, they've either never had a life or it's so fxxxxxx boring they've forgotten it! Most of us have been there and done it, don't sit in judgement.

53Dragon · 06/04/2015 00:37

If the 'friend' had been a bloke touching up young girls in a band then this thread would read very differently. What horrible inappropriate behaviour - really pisses me off when people justify their crass bad manners just because they've had a few drinks. No - nice people don't behave like that even when drunk.

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