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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my "friend" was irresponsible last night? Bit long, sorry.

90 replies

Yambabe · 05/04/2015 18:07

I had a night out last night, with a friend that I have known for about a year. I met her initially at a music event through some mutual friends, we have since spoken on facebook and by text/phone fairly regularly but only met up again twice, in company.

She has always seemed nice enough, if a bit intense sometimes, and maybe a bit lonely. Mid 40s and long divorced but has a god job, own house & car, plenty of friends, full social life etc.

Anyway back to last night. I had a couple of tickets to go and see a local band that I am friends with via my son (they are his age-group rather than mine so late 20s) and DH didn't fancy it so I asked her if she wanted to go as I know she likes the same sort of music as me. It was in a nearby city, she lives on the outskirts and as I have not been too well this week I booked myself a city-centre hotel room for the night Plan was she would get a taxi in from hers, we would go for a meal and a catch-up, go to the gig, meet up with a few other people we know including the band for drinks afterwards then do the taxi journey in reverse with me getting dropped off on the way.

She seemed OK if a little giddy when we went to eat, had a couple of glasses of wine with the meal, all good so far. Then we got in the club and oh dear, she was knocking back the wine like it was going out of fashion. I wasn't even going to attempt to keep up (although I can put away a fair bit myself on a night out usually) and tried to gently suggest that she slow down a bit but to no avail. At this point she started to get a bit embarrassing, throwing herself at the lads, touching them inappropriately etc. They are nice blokes and took it well but I was mortified. I suggested that we maybe call it a night after the show and go home then but she was having none of it and off we went to the pub where she continued to make a show of herself, fell over a couple of times, was sitting on the knee of one of the blokes and trying to kiss him, you get the idea. At this point some of their girlfriends had turned up and this was NOT going down well.

I finally managed to get her out of the pub before anyone started a fight with her, by this point she could barely stand unaided and started to cry, saying that nobody loved her and that seeing some homeless people sleeping rough nearby had really upset her. I managed to bundle her into a cab and got her coherent enough to give her address to the driver (I didn't actually know where she lived) only to discover that it was a lot further out of town than I thought and for me to stay in the cab and see her home then come back to my hotel (which had been my first thought) would have cost more than the hotel room, and nearly as much as a taxi home for me would have been. So, feeling a little guilty and also quite angry, I got out at my hotel, gave the cab driver enough to cover her fare and left her to it.

I texted her this morning to see if she was OK and just got "bad head, talk later" back, nothing since. I know she had plans for other friends to go to hers today so I'm hoping she is just busy and possibly embarrassed.

I just can't believe that someone could get themselves quite so wasted in the company of someone they barely knew and depend on that other person to keep them safe and get them home, or maybe even not worry about how they were going to get home!

Sorry this has turned out so long and ranty. I still feel like I was a bit U to not see her all the way home but on the other hand I think she was a total arse to get herself in that state and just wanted to get it off my chest. AIBU to think that you just don't behave like that?

OP posts:
mayfridaycomequickly · 05/04/2015 18:51

Honestly, some of you must live in bubbles. My ex was a taxi driver - nice natured, lovely man but far from good looking - he was propositioned every shift.

ResurrectAndEatShitChoc · 05/04/2015 18:54

I will hold my hand up and admit I have asked if I can pay in 'kind' while in an intoxicated state thinking it was hilarious.

Male and female drivers so I'm not fussy either!

I'm not proud but shit happens.

trappedinsuburbia · 05/04/2015 18:55

Mayfriday i lived with a taxi company owner for 10 years, the stories from the drivers were shocking!

BigChocFrenzy · 05/04/2015 19:03

She wants to get pissed, her business, but not if she gropes. A drunk bloke who did that would be rightly slated.

mayfridaycomequickly · 05/04/2015 19:03

I can imagine trapped I miss listening to my exes stories. He picked a woman up from a house at 3am - she told him she'd had a really crap shag on a one night stand and asked if he fancied a go to see if he was better!

CaspianSea · 05/04/2015 19:04

She was irresponsible to drink so much, but sometimes this happens to the best of us. If it's a one-off try not to judge her. She's probably mortified. I think you were a bit U to send her home in a taxi in that state, I understand why you did it but it would have been better to get her a room in hotel (and make sure she reimbursed you for it) or to get one of her friends to pick her up and see her safely in.

I don't drink much but a similar thing once happened to me with a group of new(ish) friends. I had a shoulder injury and was on pain medication that advised against drinking with it, but stupidly i hadn't read leaflet and didn't realise. After 2 glasses of wine I was going wild on dance floor, dancing with random men, babbling inhorently and unable to keep my balance. Apparently I also tried to start a fight with someone and later threw up but don't recall that. All but 1 of my new 'friends' abandoned me in club and the girl who stayed with me took me home to her house for night and made sure I was ok. She thought my drink had been spiked.
I was very embarassed but very grateful to her and we're still close today.

I've also been in situation where friends have had too much to drink and needed help getting home. Sometimes even sensible people overdo it and end up incapable and doing silly things. Sometimes there's a reason like they're going through a bad time and lost track of how much they were drinking.

I suggest you chat to your friend about why this happened. Was she upset about something, tired, dehydrated, stressed, hungry, not used to alcohol, or just reacted badly to it for some reason? If she says she got wasted on purpose I wouldn't go out with her again, but if it was an accident I'd cut her some slack.

ResurrectAndEatShitChoc · 05/04/2015 19:06

Why can't she get wasted because she wants to?

It was a one off. People do it.

I've had times where I've phoned a friend and gone I want to get smashed and forget all this shit.

Same reason people drink wine on a night to 'unwind'

hollyisalovelyname · 05/04/2015 19:08

I'm with Eigg.
Personal Responsibility.
Just don't drink so much that somebody else has to worry about your safety.
I have a friend like that. Gets drunk every time we're out.
She lives further out than any of us so we worry about her getting home.
It's very annoying.
OP I'd give her a wide berth in future.

Trills · 05/04/2015 19:11

Her behaviour was unpleasant and embarrassing for you as well as for her.

You made sure the taxi knew where to take her and made sure there was enough money to cover her fare.

She was irresponsible, you did the right thing.

Proudmummy2456 · 05/04/2015 19:12

Everyone gets drunk sometimes, I'm not saying it's acceptable behaviour but you shouldn't have left her alone in the taxi anything could have happened to her!

ihatethecold · 05/04/2015 19:14

I'm sorry Casper but what you did was stupid.
Using the fact you didn't read the leaflet whilst taking medication and drinking as an excuse to act how you've described.

You could have ended up in A and E!

slimyhappypeople · 05/04/2015 19:15

I don't live a sheltered life.

I just have a full understanding of the concept of consent.

Eigg · 05/04/2015 19:16

Glad it's not just me Holly!

I would never abandon someone who needed help but I'd be pretty bloody furious about it.

I'd still be friends with them but wouldn't go drinking with them again.

If you want to go out a get a bit drunk to unwind, no problem.

If you go out intending to get so rat arsed that it's my job to look after you, big problem.

How do I get a chance to 'unwind' if I'm peeling off a toilet floor covered in sick or hauling you away from situations caused by your inappropriate behaviour? I go out for a nice, fun night and end up stressed and furious.

pippitysqueakity · 05/04/2015 19:17

Not sure what your problem is OP. Was her answer not what you wanted? What did you want? What could she have said which would have been ok with you?

slimyhappypeople · 05/04/2015 19:21

And people know taxi drivers who could tell some stories? Which makes rape acceptable or funny somehow?

Arf at pearlclutcher, I'd rather be a pearlclutcher than a rape apologist.

Yarp · 05/04/2015 19:22

When someone behaves like this I tend to think they are pretty unhappy, and rather than judging (it does sound really embarrassing) I might ask myself it that's normal for her or if there's something going on.

If it's normal, I'd probably remove myself from her; that's not the sort of evening I enjoy.

But I would NOT have left her alone in a cab in that state.

Original poster
Yambabe · 05/04/2015 19:26

I tried to get her to come and stay in my hotel room (although I didn't really fancy sharing a bed with her to be brutally honest!) but she was having none of it and insisted she had to go home.

I did (still do) feel that I probably shouldn't have just bundled her in the taxi but to be honest I was very fed up by then, I do have a bit of a reputation amongst my friends of being the one who usually makes sure everyone gets to bed OK and still has their own shoes, I have held hair, cleaned up spillages etc but this was MY night out too and I went to have fun not act as her chaperone! I booked my hotel room so I could have a few drinks myself and not worry about getting home afterwards.

I think our friendship will revert to being mostly online/on the phone again from now on. Which is a shame as I suspect that despite her fun appearance she probably needs a "good" friend or two around her and I would have been happy to step up. But the way she was behaving with the lads was horrible, if that had been a bloke touching younger girls like that there would have been a huge outcry and rightly so.

OP posts:
ResurrectAndEatShitChoc · 05/04/2015 19:27

Someone is being sick you call them a taxi or for someone to collect them and the go on with your night

Original poster
Yambabe · 05/04/2015 19:29

pippity I wanted her to take some responsibility for her own safety and wellbeing, not sexually harrass my friends and not rely on me to make sure she got home or at least somewhere safe for the night!

OP posts:
Original poster
Yambabe · 05/04/2015 19:29

..and an apology this morning or an offer to reimburse me for her (significant) taxi fare wouldn't have gone amiss either......

OP posts:
PurpleSwift · 05/04/2015 19:31

Oh. Sounds like a bad night, it happens.'however if I was her I'd be mortified and wouldn't be able to stop apologising. I'd also be falling over myself to pay you back but only if I remebered and in this case I doubt she does. Talk to her. YANBU!

Thymeout · 05/04/2015 19:32

Why is it ageist to imply that someone in their mid 40's should know better?Young people might do silly things because they don't think of the consequences. But older people have more experience of life and have no excuse for making fools of themselves.

Of course it's irresponsible to drink so much someone else has to look after you.

poocatcherchampion · 05/04/2015 19:32

I wouldn't have paid for her taxi.

mayfridaycomequickly · 05/04/2015 19:35

Rape apologist? Wtf - out of order, no one on this thread has alluded to rape being acceptable.

BlinkAndMiss · 05/04/2015 19:35

Fine if someone wants to get shitfaced and needs help getting home, as long as they have a plan in place for when they have to go home that their friends know about. What is not fine is what the OP's friend did, she completely took no responsibility for herself whatsoever. It was left to someone else which disregarded their night out.

I don't drink, I've lost count of the amount of times I've had to help people get home because they are too drunk to do so themselves. The thing is, it's never my close friends. My close friends organise themselves and whilst I'd always help them they're never disrespectful enough to put me in that position. It's usually acquaintances, colleagues or friends of friends who have tagged along. It's selfish.