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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've cancelled Easter.

91 replies

JunkIt · 05/04/2015 10:26

(We are not religious so it's just a day of chocolate)

I am sick to death of my kids not listening to me. They are between 4 and 11 and I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes it seems like the only way is to start smacking them but I won't, I don't believe in it, but I feel so frustrated.

This morning they woke at 6am, trashed their rooms and spend an hr and a half screaming and fighting. Coming in say "X did this to me!! Y is doing this!"

Followed by shouting and tantrums. I told them to tidy their rooms and stop fighting. They didn't.

I lost it and told them Easter was cancelled.

I messaged my family and told them they are still welcome to nip round as planned but eggs will go straight upstairs and we aren't doing easter.

They said I was mean. But what else can I do to stop this behaviour?! Believe me the way they behave is way worse than it sounds. I'm worried the neighbours will complain :(

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 05/04/2015 12:52

I think op realises it's a long term problem.

And actually, if they can't even come together for a feast day, then drastic measures are called for.

Not adding a chocolate sugar rush (whether actual or psychosomatic) is a sensible step.

Working out some sensible steps to 'earning' back their chocolate could be a good start.

I've threatened one of my DC with loss of chocolate today (whining/sibling blaming/low level dominance close to bullying). Will get it after lunch after apology to tormented sibling and if no further incidents.

OnlyLovers · 05/04/2015 12:58

would start by giving them the eggs, apologising for letting things get so bad

Pahaahahhaaahaaaa.

OP, I think withholding eggs and cancelling Easter is fine. I agree with others that you could suggest some ways in which they can 'earn' back their eggs.

HenriettaBarnet · 05/04/2015 12:59

I did the same - cancelled the easter egg hunt as the children were fighting (physically in one case), arguing and bickering and shouting. They had plenty of warnings, but they were all too vile.

chocolate sugar rush and excitement/competition of egg hunting would have made it much worse.

We're off out for the rest of the day now (naturally they're playing really nicely now), so can't do it.

BeyondRepair · 05/04/2015 13:09

My old neighbour also would have said she disciplined her DC, but she actually never explained what they were doing wrong, ie, it would be " stop kicking that ball" then lots of idle threats of taking it away until it was eventually in a fit of rage.

In your situation I suspect they hear noise when you shout, ask them to stop.

I think you need to take a massive step back and view this as a war, your loosing this battle but not the war.

You need to change direction and come at it all from a brand new angle, scrap everything you have done previously.

youarekiddingme · 05/04/2015 13:09

I am another who removes Ann them if DS ignores something simple.

People may think I'm really harsh because when lunch was cooking - was going to be an hour - DS asked if he could have some easter chocolate. I said something small as lunch soon. He has lots of small kinder bars, malteser bunnies etc. His reply "thanks can I see how big the big maltesers egg is" Hmm
Clearly he didn't listen (never does atm) so was told he was waiting til after lunch now for deliberately not listening to 'what' I said rather than just the answer.

He's now happily munching on giant egg!

Romeyroo · 05/04/2015 13:13

Agree that chocolate would have made the behaviour worse as then it would be sugar fuelled misbehaviour. You haven't cancelled Easter, you have removed an ingredient which would make the situation worse.
Any chocolate can be returned in small doses, their behaviour is not going to improve if you add in sugar (I have a hyperactive four year old and he doesn't even get anything with sugar any more, so if there is a meanness award, it would probably go to me - but I am the one that needs to cope if his behaviour goes off the rails)

Hannahouse · 05/04/2015 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

987flowers · 05/04/2015 13:23

I still remember the year my sister and I didn't get an egg because we were naughty!

Stick to your guns OP ignore your family who think you are mean it is down to you and I think the stand you are making is great.

GothicRainbow · 05/04/2015 13:25

I think you were right to do what you did. Just make sure you are very clear with them as to why the eggs have been taken away and the behaviour you expect from them in the future.

Your teaching your kids that their actions have consequences this is an important thing for them to learn!

TattyDevine · 05/04/2015 13:38

I think its a perfectly good consequence, they way I would do it is "if this this and that don't get tidied and put away by this time, then Easter is cancelled, that means no eggs" and then follow through having given them a chance to put things right.

I think losing your rag and cancelling it without giving them that chance to make things right in the face of the consequence can be a little harsh depending on age, and doesn't give them any opportunity to make things right (yes I acknowledge they shouldn't do it in the first place but the key is getting them to realise that) and then you have to follow through with the banning, which is a double negative.

It gives them the opportunity to make a positive out of it where everything gets cleaned up and put back AND they get to have chocolate.

But if you've done the ban already you have to just follow through.

I do a similar kind of thing with the playroom, not banning Easter but I say if you don't go in there and make it tidy with toys away in buckets, everything off the floor and sodding banana skins in the bin, then I will go in there at 4pm with a black bag and bin the lot. And I truly mean it. And they know it. Then I give them some reminders - "remember, I'm going in there at 4pm with a black bag if its not tidy - that's in less than one hour" etc. They are 5 and 7. It works every time. Its a bit unpleasant but at this point they are not likely to just wander downstairs in the morning and go "ooh, what shall I do today...I know, I'll clean and organise the playroom!". Nope, that's not going to happen.

WineCowboy · 05/04/2015 13:47

YANBU.

I would do (and have done) exactly the same. Not today though but in the past I have left the children behind with parents etc if they have misbehaved. It works!!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/04/2015 13:53

Putting toys back and making beds is easily sorted surely, just supervise them to tidy up. Are they a bit bored and too full of energy? Maybe a nic long walk and run around would help. Do you think they might just be after some attention?

babyboomersrock · 05/04/2015 13:57

Can I point out that by trashed I mean got all their toys out and pulled bedding off. They haven't damaged anything

So, in fact, they didn't trash their rooms? I don't think getting toys out and pulling duvets off is outrageous behaviour.

I don't understand what you were doing while all this was going on for an hour and a half, either. Why didn't you stop them immediately, rather than letting it happen?

Original poster
JunkIt · 05/04/2015 14:02

The issue is they point blank refused to tidy their rooms. And they have alot of figures, booked were all pulled off the shelves, pencils every where, bedding and sheets removed! It really was a mess, hence 'trashed'

We were in bed Boomers, and please don't tell me thta on a Sunday its not acceptable to stay in bed till 7:30. They got up at 6! And it is like this every single morning, it's not a one off!

OP posts:
Artandco · 05/04/2015 14:06

I would remove all toys from their bedrooms until they can be trusted then

Not leaving bedrooms allowed until an adult is up. Just a few books, soft teddy or two and story tapes remaining.

Hakluyt · 05/04/2015 14:13

I don't understand why messing up their rooms is a problem. Their rooms- up to them what they do with them, apart from deliberate destruction which is what I thought you meant.

The screaming and fighting is a different matter. Separate at once- and zero tolerance for rudeness either to you or to siblings.

Oh, and the whole sugar fuelled bad behaviour thing is a myth.

babyboomersrock · 05/04/2015 14:16

We were in bed Boomers, and please don't tell me thta on a Sunday its not acceptable to stay in bed till 7:30. They got up at 6! And it is like this every single morning, it's not a one off!

I'm not telling you to do anything.

But to be honest, I wouldn't be able to lie in bed for an hour and a half while I could hear all that going on. Where's the pleasure in it?

If they're getting up at 6 every day (school days too?) I'd try to break that habit by getting them out of their rooms the minute they wake, making them get dressed, and keeping them busy all day. No sitting in front of screens or lolling around. Try to get them completely worn out so they sleep longer.

When do they go to bed?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 05/04/2015 14:24

What I did with dd was packed her entire bedroom and left 5 toys in there, when she learnt to put them away I unpacked 1 more toy, it's taken over a year for her to get them all back and now he bedroom is always tidy.

Romeyroo · 05/04/2015 14:33

hakluyt, you are welcome to come and watch the effects of sugar on my DS if you wish - if you don't take my word for it - as long as you stick around for the next four or five hours till he calms down. It is not bad behaviour, it is the effect of sugar because I know that otherwise he behaves fine.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/04/2015 14:33

I'd threaten to throw away their favourite todays and go through with it if they don't clean their rooms.

I did it to DD once. She's a lot more helpful now she knows I mean what I say.

cailindana · 05/04/2015 14:34

Getting up at 6 is normal for kids. Every child I know does it. Children who are bored and ignored for an hour and a half will play up. That's also normal.

Do people really describe their own children as 'vile'?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/04/2015 14:34

*toys

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/04/2015 14:35

My DD doesn't get up at 6. I'm always up before her.

cailindana · 05/04/2015 14:36

Ok Tali, but clearly the OP's children do get up at 6.

popalot · 05/04/2015 14:52

Maybe sort out what you expect/don't expect from them. This might help you generally. I'm sure you feel you're doing it already, but once you make it all really clear to everyone it takes the stress out of the situation.

The most important thing to be is fair and consistent. Be consistent with what behaviour you expect and what you would deem unexpected. The unexpected behaviour then has sanctions. The expected behaviour has rewards. However, be fair about what is expected and unexpected dependent on their ages and personalities.

So, getting lots of toys out and playing with them is expected. But clearing them away afterwards is also expected. Don't forget that kid tidy is not the same as mum tidy, so you can give them a bit of leeway here and maybe sometimes help to show the way you think they might need to do it.

Stripping the bedding is unexpected and therefore a sanction is put in place, like the eggs going away. Like you did. You don't need to shout or battle. Make it clear what went wrong. But they need to know how they can fix it. They can then help eachother to fix eachother's bedding and tidy their rooms. Then they can get their eggs back, because the tidying up is expected behaviour and you can reward it (by them getting back in track and getting what they would have had).

Also, making lots of noise before mum and dad get up is unexpected and in itself can be sanctioned with a small sanction like withholding pocket money, which they can earn back if they stay quiet every morning for 5 days, for example.

It's important for children to be able to earn back rewards if they have rectified unexpected behaviour. They need a get out clause to show you they understand how to behave.

Hope this helps as a way forward for you. Might sound a bit clinical but it can help towards a calmer house.