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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want my brother in law to move closer to us?

65 replies

mstumble · 04/04/2015 21:49

Up until recently, myself, my partner and his brother were very close and got on great. He has no interest in getting a girlfriend or settling down so spends a lot of time with us. He adores my kids and they love him to bits. So a year ago, we decided to all buy a house together, this is not something he would have done alone (he's not much of a go getter) my DP did all the house hunting, negotiating, etc. The mortgage is in DP brother's name but we went halves on deposit and DP and I pay all the mortgage. When we eventually sell it, we will own just less than halves. At the time, it seemed a good investment for everyone. He was moving away and in with a friend paying cheap rent, but will end up owning more than half a 3 bed house. It turns out, it was the worst decision ever. All boundaries have been shifted. He lets himself in with his key, he rummages through the food cupboards, wanders around upstairs, even got changed in my bedroom the other day! The list goes on. If that isn't irritating enough, he has started treating the kids as if they are his own, telling them off, making decisions about what food they can eat, when they can watch telly, etc. It's a nightmare! He has admitted to me, he really misses them, hence why he is moving back! The other day, he let himself in and didn't even say hi to me, just went straight to the kids. Generally he is lovely, but at the moment I just feel so frustrated. The main reason, I find it so hard to have it out with him as I think he is pretty lonely and I don't want to upset him. I am absolutely dreading him moving back though. AIBU?

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 04/04/2015 21:53

What does your partner say about this outbreak of weirdness from his brother?

CrapBag · 04/04/2015 21:55

You either need to have a a discussion on how it is your home and he cannot walk in whenever he feels like or use your bedroom (is he planning on moving get in there with you) or you need to cut your losses and sell.

I'd go for the latter tbh. His buying a house with you does not give him any rights over your children and he needs telling.

Why are you going to end up with less than half when you paid equal amount of deposit and you are paying all of the mortgage? Why is only his name on the mortgage? This could get very messy. Legally you have the sum total of fuck all.

stillwearingaredribbon · 04/04/2015 21:58

Did you get any legal advice and have proof of the arrangement?
I would be getting out if the deal fast or drawing up a legal document clearly stating it is your home

TTTatty · 04/04/2015 21:59

Agree with above - very dodgy situation and doesn't sound at all secure for you!

textfan · 04/04/2015 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seaoflove · 04/04/2015 22:01

Why are you going to end up with less than half when you paid equal amount of deposit and you are paying all of the mortgage? Why is only his name on the mortgage? This could get very messy

My thoughts exactly. Why are you getting such a poor deal?

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/04/2015 22:05

How is the house held? Are the three of you tenants in common with equal shares?

rollonthesummer · 04/04/2015 22:09

Why on earth is the house only in his name?!

PHANTOMnamechanger · 04/04/2015 22:12

why on earth did you ever agree to this strange set up?? you have NO security here, it's no better than having a dodgy landlord.

Theycallmemellowjello · 04/04/2015 22:17

As alis says, how the house is held depends on what was agreed when the property was conveyed (in the unlikely event there was no explicit agreement courts would look at intention, informal agreements and deposit and mortgage payments). Op - you need to nip this in the bud and have a conversation with him. Or rather your dh does!

scarletforya · 04/04/2015 22:19

You pay everything but put the house in his name?

That's absolutely crazy!

Why? Why did you do that?

mstumble · 04/04/2015 22:20

We have bad credit rating and could no way get a mortgage at the moment. We were sick or renting and having to shift home for one reason or another. Last being, our landlord decided to sell the house. DP, brother and I thought it would be good if he bought us a house and we rented off him. Then we realised we could chip in for deposit so asked if we could joint own. He agreed. He would never go back on this, but yes I agree we should get some legal document backing it.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 04/04/2015 22:23

But you don't joint own - you're renting, but without the security of a contract. You need legal advice and some documentation ASAP.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 04/04/2015 22:23

He would never go back on this

are you certain? what if you try to lay down the law that he can't just come and go as he pleases? or changed the locks? I can't see him taking it on the chin TBH. I think he likes the power he holds over you.

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/04/2015 22:25

op are you and your husband named on the deeds?

mstumble · 04/04/2015 22:25

This is better than renting as he would never kick us out and we will get half a cut, when we go to sell.

OP posts:
mstumble · 04/04/2015 22:27

I trust him 100% when it comes to the house. All the family are aware of exactly how much we have invested. Plus he cares about us and the kids.

OP posts:
textfan · 04/04/2015 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dr0pThePirate · 04/04/2015 22:29

OP

If he cares about you and the kids whats the problem? Confused

PHANTOMnamechanger · 04/04/2015 22:30

how can you say you trust him. In your own words all the boundaries have shifted, he lets himself in, goes into your room, steals your food and treats the kids and the place as if he is king of the castle.
Has he ever tried it on with you? Is he jealous of his brother?

wuld you tolerate any of the above from either a private LL or any other family member?

textfan · 04/04/2015 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mstumble · 04/04/2015 22:36

A bit morbid...but we got him to make a will, stating that we are entitled to half the house. And I just can't see him kicking us out. He's a very reliable, trustworthy, kind person. I know I'll get a flaming, claiming he's not but I love him like he was my own brother. But somewhere between buying the house, and him moving away, confusion has arisen and he somehow thinks he is so part of our family, he can do what he wants. I feel bad for him, but he has to realise our home isn't his.

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 04/04/2015 22:36

Is it a buy to let mortgage?
Who do the bank think is living there?
Who pays council tax?
Who is registered to vote?
Whose name is the insurance in?

This sounds really up for going tits up by June

mstumble · 04/04/2015 22:38

No he has never tried it on with me. I do not believe he is jealous of his brother. They get on really well, best mates really. Brother has issues with women basically due to a really awful stepmum.

OP posts:
Dr0pThePirate · 04/04/2015 22:43

So you'll get half the house if/when he dies!

But nothing if he sells?

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