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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was really crap of DD's friends?

62 replies

Kareninthetardis · 03/04/2015 16:30

DD is 17 and in year 13. She hasn't been attending school for the last 3 weeks after being referred to a counsellor and has been working at home instead from work her teachers have sent home. This has come about partly because she has been bullied since around Christmas by a group of girls in her year and is scared to go into school.

She has a group of 5 she is close friends with at school, 2 of them were involved with the bullying initially but that was dealt with. The 6 of them have stayed on at this school for 6th form, until year 11 there were 8 of them and the other 2 went to the local college instead. For the last few weeks they've apparently been talking on facebook about all meeting up over the easter holidays. They arranged to all meet up today a couple of weeks ago, DD then had a text last night from one of the girls in the group still at her school to say that they'd cancelled as one of the girls couldn't go and would rearrange for next week. DD suggested on the facebook group that some of them could still do something today, but got no reply.

I dragged DD shopping with me today and took her to get a hot chocolate after. We saw them all together in the food court :( AIBU to wonder why girls seem to feel the need to do this? The same happened to me as a teen. Is it some sort of rite of passage to push someone out of the group at this age or something? :(

OP posts:
technobabble · 04/04/2015 16:22

unless she has Asperger's or engages in strange behaviour but then she probably wouldn't have any friends at all.....

What an ignorant thing to say, plenty of people with aspergers have friends Hmm

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 04/04/2015 16:43

Wtaf chocoluvva?

YouTheCat · 04/04/2015 16:56

How ignorant, chocoluvva! My dd has Aspergers and has plenty of friends. What exactly are you trying to imply?

Karen, I think getting the counselling is a good move. Have a really good think about the deferring though - getting away from them might be best.

Original poster
Kareninthetardis · 04/04/2015 17:01

DS has mild asperger's and seems to have a perfectly normal number of friends- none of whom have ever done anything like this Confused

My mum suggested to her that the main bullies were just jealous of her and had taken the opportunity to pounce on something they could upset her with, which I think made her feel better about it. But they weren't her close friends, which I think is the part she's really struggling with. I'm quite friendly with some of the mums of these girls and one has suggested meeting up for a coffee next week, oh the temptation. DH and I actually found out about the bullying through one of the other mothers who found abusive messages on her DD's phone sent to my DD and confronted her about it. It would seem that these girls don't see deliberate exclusion as similar behaviour :(

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 04/04/2015 17:07

Apologies - fwiw I'm pretty sure I have (mild) - maybe not so mild - aspergers. My DS does too and we have friends. But it does seem to go undiagnosed in girls - just a thought - my first thought was that the other girls are jealous.

Plenty of people with aspergers don't have many friends though...

Sorry to offend.

Coyoacan · 04/04/2015 17:21

she had only just started to trust the two involved in the bullying in January again

I remember your thread, why on earth would she trust people like that again? I honestly think this is all serious jealousy. The only good thing about being bullied is that that way you don't have to be friends with a bully.

Original poster
Kareninthetardis · 04/04/2015 18:52

I have no idea why she's so desperate for their approval. Probably because she needs all the friends she can get given the bullying still hasn't been resolved :(

OP posts:
animallover27 · 04/04/2015 21:45

Your poor DD that's incredibly hurtful. I remember this happening to me actually around the same age with a so called group of friends but there were a couple of bullies amongst them. At the time it was incredibly distressing but got better when I went to college and made some new friends. My mum tried to force me to "make friends" with the bullies (trying to do her best and get us to sort it out) but this was awful for me and I just wanted to stay away from them. I think the best thing for your DD is if you can reassure her that this is their problem and not hers, she has done nothing wrong, teenage girls can be vicious and often this kind of behaviour is based on jealousy. If she has a close and supportive family and other interests, and it sounds like she does, then she will be OK in the long term. Doesn't make it less painful right now though. I hope she's ok.

Openup41 · 04/04/2015 22:36

I feel it for your dd. She needs a change of environment.

I was badly bullied at school. The best decision I made was to attend a college in another town. There was no chance of bumping into any of my peers. I was able to reinvent myself as nobody knew me.

Original poster
Kareninthetardis · 08/04/2015 18:30

I love that coyoacan, thank you, I will show it to DD! She's been at a doctors appointment this afternoon and then went straight on to her theatre group, was happy to go on her own so I'm hoping that's a positive sign. As far as I can tell she's getting on ok revising on her own and teaching herself from what's been sent home, but I really don't know whether it's going to be more beneficial for her to get this year out of the way and take a year out or delay for a year at this point. I do know there is no way she is ready to move out.

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 08/04/2015 21:19

I would make sure she is feeling stable and her confidence is okay before she leaves home and starts a new course.
Its a huge adjustment for a lot of people and you don't want it all to go wrong.
Its tempting to think she'll be fine once she's away from them but do be careful.

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