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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was really crap of DD's friends?

62 replies

Kareninthetardis · 03/04/2015 16:30

DD is 17 and in year 13. She hasn't been attending school for the last 3 weeks after being referred to a counsellor and has been working at home instead from work her teachers have sent home. This has come about partly because she has been bullied since around Christmas by a group of girls in her year and is scared to go into school.

She has a group of 5 she is close friends with at school, 2 of them were involved with the bullying initially but that was dealt with. The 6 of them have stayed on at this school for 6th form, until year 11 there were 8 of them and the other 2 went to the local college instead. For the last few weeks they've apparently been talking on facebook about all meeting up over the easter holidays. They arranged to all meet up today a couple of weeks ago, DD then had a text last night from one of the girls in the group still at her school to say that they'd cancelled as one of the girls couldn't go and would rearrange for next week. DD suggested on the facebook group that some of them could still do something today, but got no reply.

I dragged DD shopping with me today and took her to get a hot chocolate after. We saw them all together in the food court :( AIBU to wonder why girls seem to feel the need to do this? The same happened to me as a teen. Is it some sort of rite of passage to push someone out of the group at this age or something? :(

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 03/04/2015 17:55

Can she stay working from home and just taking exams at school? I'd hire a tutor in each of her subjects if u think she is going to pass this year.

Otherwise I'd get her to repeat at school when bitches have left. She might make some new friends as well as rebuilding her confidence esp if drama school is happy for her to defer.

Mumbehavingbadly · 03/04/2015 17:55

Mostly its a jealousy thing and if you can try to build your DDs self esteem she will eventually he able to see it for what it is and laugh it off. It's hard but you can turn it around.

My DD has had four years of this - she's the same age as yours - she's bright, v pretty, kind and generous. Her very manipulative ex best friend is the ringleader. My daughter like yours has been made ill by the constant worry about what next? But she's always seen it for what it is. Jealousy and low self esteem on the part of the ring leader - fear of being a target by the weakest so they go along even though they feel bad about it - and a few mindless followers in the middle who are too stupid to know much better.

What did I do to help her turn it around? Don't flame me please - I plotted it like a military campaign and it was hard but this worked for us.
First I made sure to point out all the reasons the ringleader is jealous. They're all true so I could evidence them. My DD still doesnt like me saying the negative stuff sbout this girl ( she's a better person than I am) but I know it goes in and it helps her.

I know my child is very sociable so I looked around my social circle for friends/aquaintances with similar aged teens and dragged her along to social functions where she met a whole new set - including the very nice teen son of a friend who was very good looking and couple of years older who she started dating (the jealous one was frothing but it did the trick further for DDs self esteem). Then I made sure that if there was a party or something that she was not invited too - she and her new friends/date arranged to do something great that night or weekend so she had something to look forward to and wasn't sitting in imagining everyone else having fun. Time flies when you're having fun (she's not dating the same guy but they're friends) even though she still has to put up with nonsense she shrugs it all off and is looking forward to going to Uni.

DD also now has the satisfaction of seeing ringleader grinding her teeth in frustration when another one of her schemes doesn't appear to have hit the mark. She's even tried getting with DDs past boyfriend with comic effect. How sad must she be? And some of the sheep have admitted they don't like being sheep too.
I know it all probably sounds bonkers but it's how we've got through it.

ApplePaltrow · 03/04/2015 17:57

Teens can be really mean but the school sounds terrible. What kind of hellhole has people being bulled at 17? This reads like something that happens to much younger kids.

This sounds drastic but I would consider moving somewhere else and trying to get her into a different school.

Ledkr · 03/04/2015 18:07

They do seem a little old to behave like this though, more the behsviour of early teens .
As someone said, this type of thing won't bode well in uni life!!
Moronic gits

Flumpf · 03/04/2015 18:09

Your poor do. :( I thought that people would grow out of this shitty behaviour by 17. I was so relieved when I left school and all of this nonsense behind. I studied performing arts at college and made some wonderful friends. My self esteem and confidence grew there. Hope your lovely dd has a brighter future with some real friends soon.

chickenfuckingpox · 03/04/2015 18:10

She needs to make friends outside of the school and teach her the difference between a school friend (9-3)and a real friend

ApplePaltrow · 03/04/2015 18:11

Also, does she have any hobbies? Outside activities? She's basically old enough to travel internationally and do a whole ton of other things that would build self esteem AND give her perspective. I think it's unusual and concerning that this is happening at 17. I think even if her friends were amazing, that's not really the point. Where are her non school friends? Where is the rest of her life?

Redwineplease42 · 03/04/2015 18:34

Oh your poor DD. This thread filled me with dread also as I was rather hoping they mellowed out at this age very childish. My DD is having same situation now but shes year 9. It seems the ones they are closest to hurt them the most its shit being a teenager.

GlitterTwinkleToes · 03/04/2015 18:34

I'm going to be very blunt with you here and your not going to like it.
Your daughter is 17, nearly an adult, from what you say wants to go to uni. She needs to grow up and realise that the world is harsh, you do meet people who will act like this. It is no good pandering to her AND getting involved is a big no. Where is her self reliance? Does she have a part time job where she can make some friends, some interests which gets her out of the house? I'm sorry but one time meeting up without her is hardly devastating. Yes she may feel left out but why is she relying on others for her happiness? She needs to broaden her horizons pretty sharpish.
It will be tough but she will be the bigger person at the end of the day.

Disclaimer; I was bullied for five years by the same group of girls.My mother getting involved made the situation 10x worse! Soon as I stopped relying on others and actually done something productive with my life (job, college, own home) was I truly happy! Its not easy.

NeedAnEasterEggForMyGiraffe · 03/04/2015 18:38

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Aeroflotgirl · 03/04/2015 18:42

How absolutely shitty Sad. The adult self (37)would have plastered a fake smile, sauntered over to them, mock surprise oh fancy seeing you all here, when I thought you cancelled, oh well, nevermind your here now. Budge up, make room for me. Then act completely normal, than a few miniutes later, oh I don't need fake friends who are nice to my face and nasty to my back, you deserve each other bye bye kind of thing. The 17 year old me would have been really hurt and upset.

This even happens to adults btw, ever heard of the Wendy? But funniky enough, only Females, Males tend to be more straight forward. All you can do is reassure your dd, and tell her to distance herself from them, as they are not true friends who have her back.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/04/2015 18:43

I agree Glitter, totally right.

Blueskybrightstar · 03/04/2015 19:59

That's so horrible for your DD! I think it's because there's something special about her that makes the other girls jealous-just you wait DD of OP-you will love Uni, make great new friends, and have a great time!-and these losers will bother you no more. They might think they have the upper hand right now, or feel big and clever, but that bitter mean attitude will do them in. You can't have a good,quality of life if your idea of fun is going round being nasty to other people like that. I am sure that your DD, on the other hand, will go on to great things!

And if DD feels like an outsider well...being different is generally what makes your life fab in the end! Maybe these girls leaving her out might have done her a favour in seeing its best to move on to some actual decent nice people who aren't so weak that they would follow the crowd to gang up on someone else.

textfan · 03/04/2015 20:10

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NittyDora · 03/04/2015 20:31

The exact same thing happened to me at age, OP, and while it was pretty upsetting at the time, I think it was the making of me.
I was excluded by my friends in the last year of school, not huge things but enough to know that I wasn't really welcome.
By coincidence me and chunk of this group ended up at uni in the same city. While they all lived and socialised together, didn't really ever make friends outside of the school group and all went home as often as possible, I took uni accommodation, made friends from all over the world and spent my weekends partying around the country. Within about 3 months of moving everyone of them had been on the phone trying to be best buddies. Of course I was lovely and did try to fit them in but I was far too busy with my packed social schedule and otherwise being fabulous to see them too often :)
I didn't ever fall out with them and I still see them from time to time but I also have a pile of other people and interests that wouldn't have been in my life without what happened.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 03/04/2015 21:06

They sound horrible. And how horrible for your ddSad makes me feel quite sad.

And given their ages they seriously need to grow the Fuck up. I was out working at 17 and if I'd have behaved like that I wouldn't have made many new friends.

I think your dd needs to ditch the lot of them. I would honestly rather have no friends at all than some that treat me like shit. She deserves so much better.

Ditch them, leave them group and leave them to their petty childish crap.

Xx

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 03/04/2015 21:08

Leave THE group I mean.

Original poster
Kareninthetardis · 03/04/2015 21:51

She won't say anything to them, she's still desperate for their approval. Lord only knows why. We're not sure if they saw us or not, we don't think so. DD wouldn't let me go over and say hi politely Blush

There is more going on than just the bullying, I would be telling her to get on with it more if there wasn't. She has a good group of friends at her dance school who have been hugely supportive, the problem is that most of the 'main' bullies attend the same dance school, so she hasn't wanted to go recently. Her teacher is lovely and has been giving her private lessons for free in between classes to try and stop her quitting, which I think has helped. The issue with that is that she isn't seeing her friends there as much.

OP posts:
NeedAnEasterEggForMyGiraffe · 03/04/2015 21:55

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kareninthetardis · 04/04/2015 15:19

The eating is better Giraffe, I think the counselling has helped. I honestly think she is pre-late growth spurt because she is exercising plenty and eating healthily, she thinks she is fat and hideous and is just generally depressed I think. But she is eating and we have had less days when she has point blank refused to eat. She's dealing with an awful lot at the moment :(

OP posts:
bigfam · 04/04/2015 15:29

I agree with any pp's that said this is really shitty behaviour for girls their age, especially if they're old enough to know and understand that she's going through a lot at the moment. You're definitely more sensible than me, as I would of marched over there and given them a piece of my mind, I'd of got very angry too. I know it wouldn't of helped at all but we all do stupid things in the name of love. I hope your dd is ok x (and you too)

Gummygummygumdrops · 04/04/2015 15:34

Girls can be so bitchy sometimes. One thing is that she will make friends with a new group of girls, the girls I'm friends with now are not my school friends but people I met when I was 19/20.

chocoluvva · 04/04/2015 15:49

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pippop1 · 04/04/2015 15:55

I'm guessing that, at the back of it all, they are jealous of her. Something to hold onto for her perhaps.

chocoluvva · 04/04/2015 16:06

I agree - dancing and acting are many a teenage girl's dream - she must be very expressive and talented.