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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was really crap of DD's friends?

62 replies

Kareninthetardis · 03/04/2015 16:30

DD is 17 and in year 13. She hasn't been attending school for the last 3 weeks after being referred to a counsellor and has been working at home instead from work her teachers have sent home. This has come about partly because she has been bullied since around Christmas by a group of girls in her year and is scared to go into school.

She has a group of 5 she is close friends with at school, 2 of them were involved with the bullying initially but that was dealt with. The 6 of them have stayed on at this school for 6th form, until year 11 there were 8 of them and the other 2 went to the local college instead. For the last few weeks they've apparently been talking on facebook about all meeting up over the easter holidays. They arranged to all meet up today a couple of weeks ago, DD then had a text last night from one of the girls in the group still at her school to say that they'd cancelled as one of the girls couldn't go and would rearrange for next week. DD suggested on the facebook group that some of them could still do something today, but got no reply.

I dragged DD shopping with me today and took her to get a hot chocolate after. We saw them all together in the food court :( AIBU to wonder why girls seem to feel the need to do this? The same happened to me as a teen. Is it some sort of rite of passage to push someone out of the group at this age or something? :(

OP posts:

RochelleGoyle · 03/04/2015 16:35

Teen girls can be very mean and it's possible one or two of the group have manipulated the others. It's part of life too though and while your daughter must have felt terrible, maybe she's learning a thing or two about who her friends really are.

Sparklingbrook · 03/04/2015 16:36

Karen That is so horrible. How did DD take it?

I have teen DSs a bit younger but I know the being left out thing only too well. I always felt I was on the outside.

soverylucky · 03/04/2015 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwoOddSocks · 03/04/2015 16:40

That's awful, I can just imagine how your daughter must have felt. I agree that it's probably one or two instigating it and the others going along with it for fear of being exorcised themselves. It's so hurtful to feel rejected but at least after A-levels she can move on to bigger and better things. University was where I built my most enduring friendships, that horrible school mentality of worrying about your social status seemed to have lifted somewhat. Hopefully after leaving school your DD will find some more reliable friends.

PurpleSwift · 03/04/2015 16:40

Teens are mean. At their age they know better and should be ashamed of themselves. Did your daughter confront them?

Charley50 · 03/04/2015 16:42

How horrible of them (or just the one who sent the text?) It's not a reflection on your DS; one of them is probably jealous of her.
One of my best friends (I met her after the school years) was bullied at school because other girls were jealous. She's lovely.
Others get bullied because they don't fit into the group easily.
Please give your DD a big hug and let her know this is just a phase. Maybe she should go to a different college? Would that be an option?

drbonnieblossman · 03/04/2015 16:42

That's really shitty of them. Your poor DD. How did she take it? Is she brave enough to ask them why they did such a bitchy spiteful thing?

NeedAnEasterEggForMyGiraffe · 03/04/2015 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Kareninthetardis · 03/04/2015 16:49

DD is absolutely distraught, she had only just started to trust the two involved in the bullying in January again :( They all know why she isn't attending school at the moment and they know how hard the last few months have been for her. They must have all known what was going on because of the facebook message DD posted suggesting some of them meeting up today anyway.

It's difficult because in theory she is leaving in July anyway, changing schools really isn't an option at this stage. She has a drama school place for September but needs to get her A levels, we're having a meeting with her head of year after easter to decide if she'll be sitting the exams now or repeating the year. The drama school are willing to defer her given everything that's gone on this year and in all honesty I'm not sure I want her going in September even if she does sit her A levels this year, I really think it's going to be far too much for her to cope with. She has a lot of out of school dance and drama commitments and she's cut back this year as it is, so not really time for anything else to meet new people unfortunately. Plus most her age are off to uni in a few months and probably not thinking about making new friends here. It's just crap really.

OP posts:

dragdownthemoon · 03/04/2015 16:50

Oh that is so horrible. I went through this as a teen and it was really unpleasant. Your daughter will find true friends one day and they will value and appreciate her. Does she do any clubs or anything? Maybe she needs to branch out and meet some new people. The problem with teenage girls is there is usually a queen bee in the group and the others won't want to go against her for fear of being left out too. It sounds like the girl who sent the text is the one being mean :( I hope she finds a close friend who treats her right. It isn't her, it really is about the other girls, everyone at that age is trying to find a place to fit and an identity, but they can be so cruel :(

manchestermummy · 03/04/2015 16:52

. That was me. I have two dds and the thought of them going through the same as teens makes me feel ill. I was ostracised as my parents seldom let me go out, so people stopped asking.

What kept me going during that time was throwing myself into my work, and knowing that as I was planning to go to university, I would be able to meet a whole new group of people.

NeedAnEasterEggForMyGiraffe · 03/04/2015 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 03/04/2015 16:54

For 17/18 year olds that's incredibly immature behaviour. Your DD will be better off making new friends next year.

Boaby · 03/04/2015 17:00

Oh, OP my daughter has been through this recently & it is awful. You feel so sad for her & angry at them & I also was a bit at the girls parents because they have been friends for years & the parents can't fail to have noticed my DD is all of a sudden not around.

No advice, but for you & for your DD. Some teenage girls are just unbelievable.

drudgetrudy · 03/04/2015 17:04

Yes really crap of them.
Its tempting to push on and get her onto her course but I think she may be better taking a break and deferring-building up her confidence by out of school activities.

I don't think talking to their parents would really help at this age. They are almost adult-although you wouldn't think it.

Teladi · 03/04/2015 17:07

YANBU. The story actually gave me the shivers... I remember being a teenager

ElevenTwelve · 03/04/2015 17:13

Nasty little cows.

I would be encouraging her to find new friends. Her other friends don't sound very nice at all.

Did her friends see that you had seen them in the food court? If so what was their reaction?

Ledkr · 03/04/2015 17:16

This kindof thing happens to my poor dd.
She also dances a lot and is hoping to go to Performing arts school when she finished school, I wonder if that makes them a target, almost as if to put them down a peg?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/04/2015 17:17

Year 13?! That kind of nasty behaviour will not get them very far at university which is a different and very busy world with loads of opportunities and very little toleration for this sort of behaviour - they would be dropped very quickly.

Although it is horrible the time between now and end of year is so short. Focus your dd on getting through her exams and starting her new, adult life. How she chooses to tackle this unpleasantness is up to her. I would think just posting "I saw you all at X today. I feel so hurt you left me out" then leave it there to see what happens would be enough to make the point. Then leave it. Shit friends are worse than no friends.

Having a plan and a future life to look forward to makes all the difference. Good luck with it all

ilovesooty · 03/04/2015 17:21

Nasty. I hope your daughter manages to make some kinder, more respectful friends.

Enough27 · 03/04/2015 17:22

Pretty much exactly this happened to my y7 dd two weeks into secondary school. She moved on to a different group of friends and is now absolutely fine. Those girls are simply not worth it; moving on is the best thing to do and your DD is at the right stage of school to do so.

Nasty girls though. How dare they upset your DD like that? they are just not worth it.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/04/2015 17:24

Fwiw I hated school. Hated all the nasty, bitchy politics and sly unpleasantness. It was a relief to leave it all behind and go to college where people behaved like adults. It was then I realised it wasn't me that had the problem, made loads of friends and had the time of my life. Those who behaved horribly don't seem to have got very far in life and I feel a bit sorry for them.

I think I was just unlucky with my class but also I didn't make wise choices about who deseved my friendship. With hindsight i can see that I was pretty dismissive of some perfectly nice people who I just didn't think were very exciting and I was wrong not to make the effort more widely.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/04/2015 17:31

Does she have any other friends outside school through her dance or drama? Both my girls have been involved with youth theatre and made good friendships there. I think it attracts a lot of quirky, square peg kind of characters looking to find their people. Putting on productions is a very bonding experience too.

ChipDip · 03/04/2015 17:43

Yanbu, what a nasty group of bitches. Hope your dd finds much better people to call friends. At their age they should know better.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 03/04/2015 17:46

Bunch of witches. So sorry to hear that. My DD has had a terrible time trying to deal with and come to terms with really nasty, unpleasant behaviour from girls all though school and into college. It has taken every ounce of self control not to confront the latest ring leader.
My DD is becoming a bit better at not taking people at face value now. She was so desperate to make some friends that she had a habit of gravitating towards anyone who was nice to her which often resulted in quite intense friendships with girls who then did the dirty on her. I have told her to hang in there as there are many lovely people in the world and she has just been desperately unlucky.

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