Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To become a parent although I don't have a partner?

77 replies

Lemonadeorlemons · 02/04/2015 08:15

As much as I wish I could, I don't think I want to go into my 40s childless, which of course isn't a judgement on those who do :) it's more how I see things.

I am researching my options and I'm not sure really - what do others think?

The main ones seem to be IUI a or IVF with donated sperm or adoption. I am fairly sure I would like to have as young a child as possible if I were to adopt which might pose difficulties and there are other considerations with regard to my lifestyle which might be a problem for adoption agencies.

I know it's probably really selfish but I just can't imagine not being a Mum.

OP posts:

WishUponAStar88 · 02/04/2015 08:17

I don't think you're selfish at all I have no ad ice in regards to either ivf/ adoption but I hope someone will be along shortly who can help.

WishUponAStar88 · 02/04/2015 08:17

Advice not ad ice!!

Latara · 02/04/2015 08:19

I understand your dilemma because I'm 38, childless and currently single.

Personally I wouldn't be able to adopt either.

Also financially & emotionally due to MH issues I couldn't care for a child alone. But if you can do that then go down the sperm donor route, or sleep with a random man.. whatever works for you.

Once you've got the baby you'll have all the time in the world to meet a partner who could be it's proper dad.

I'm really tempted to do things that way but it's just not possible for me so I'm trying Online Dating again!

shewept · 02/04/2015 08:26

Its not selfish to want a child.

It would be selfish if you absolutely knew you could not cope or care for a baby and got pg anyway.

Honestly, I had a stint of being a single parent. Its not easy, be under no illusions. But its doable. It much easier with a supportive partner. But that doesn't make the decision selfish. Its just going to be a bit harder.

When you say 'lifestyle' do you mean your job?

redautumnleaves · 02/04/2015 08:26

Hello Lemon, I concieved my dd through iui when I was mid 30s. It's the best choice I ever made. I could write loads more but on my phone so difficult. I'll come back and write more when I can go on my lap top.
There is also an old thread on MN somewhere that I'll link to that you may find useful.
PM me if you want too.

redautumnleaves · 02/04/2015 08:28

oh, forgot to say, I am a single 'by choice' parent although I hate that expression.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 02/04/2015 08:30

Please don't "sleep with a random man" apart from the health risks, my friend did this, her son is a teenager and the angst over his father is horrendous. He's detetmined to find him, and the fallout from that for the unsuspecting father is going to be horrific, not to mention the inevitable rejection for the son ( this man abandoned his two planned children from his marriage) But if you're readyfor a child, and have a support network in place, then ivf, or a man who agrees to father a child with you is the way to go.

holeinmyheart · 02/04/2015 08:35

Well the whole thing is fraught with difficulties but as a DM of a large brood I understand completely wanting a child, and it is a fantastic experience.

If you are a loving kind person then I think you should go ahead BUT and there are some big buts.
Your child may not be in the least like you when they grow up. I have one child who is very like my DHs mother. Very shy and introverted, very rarely speaks and although I love her dearly is rather a mystery to me.

You are going to bring up this child alone unless you have an extended family. It is going to be very hard, ( harder than anything you can imagine) as if you are really ill, what will you do? I had my DH who if I was in bed, stepped up to help.

Presumably you are going to have to work, so what is going to happen to the child? It will spend a lot of its time in a nursery. I have GC who are in. Nursery from 8.30 until Six, some days. I find that very hard to bear as I think that is a long time for someone else to care for your child.

Then the child at some point will be curious about his or her Father. When they grow older they may also question you and your motives.

Also, read the threads about Parents being frightened of their children and the incidents of Children attacking their Parents. Yes, it is is rare but it happens.

For instance you have a male child, he is bigger than you and he has been in a nursery most of his formative years. He starts smoking and you ask him to stop, but he refuses. You then get into a row and he pushes you. You have no back up as you are alone. Teenagers can be really stroppy.

There is a lot to think about, but just be aware of the dangers.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/04/2015 08:40

I don't get where you're selfish. It's not selfish to want a child, op, so what if you're on your own. We're living in 2015 not 1520.
I raised my dd as A lone pArent, and I know self praise is no recommendation but I don't think I've done a bad job

sandgrown · 02/04/2015 08:41

Whatever you decide to do be honest with your child when he/she grows up. Provide as much detail as you can of the father. There is nothing worse than growing up with a missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle and it can have far reaching effects.

LittleBairn · 02/04/2015 08:44

There are women out there doing this they often call themselves Single Mothers by choice a few of them have blogs.

Ignoring the fact you will be raising a child without a father and impact that will have on a child's life the main concerns I would have are do you have strong family ties, someone in your life who will drop everything in order to support you if things don't go to plan and are you financially stable?

You never know if you will end up the expectant mother with a high risk pregnancy or a baby in neonatal care.
I don't know what I would have done without my DH during the 5 weeks I had to say in hospital or the further 10 weeks I then spent on strict bed rest at home.
It would have been difficult for my family to give that constant level of support and care they don't live near by and they all work full time.

Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 08:48

If everybody read holes post no one would become a parent - that is one of the most bizarre things I've ever read.

Little I am pregnant and told my ex to leave a few weeks ago. If I have a prem baby (and I have two other children as well) I'll just have to sort out something. You cope because it's what we do. If you've never had to you might think you couldn't, but you could.

The op said she would be having IVF - not sleeping with a random!

There are some weird posts on here!!

shewept · 02/04/2015 09:00

underneath someone suggested sleeping with randoms.

olympicsrock · 02/04/2015 09:04

I would not do it . having children is bloody hard way harder that I thought it would be and exhausting. I have only just stayed sane with a partner who does pull his weight.

whatatit · 02/04/2015 09:12

I have a friend who was in your position. She went down the route of sperm donor. She now has a son. They are extremely close and she does an amazing job as a single mum. He is 5 now and they seem like a lovely, happy family.

I'd go for it if i were you. Family's come in all shapes and sizes and yours sounds like it wouldn't be short of love. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Purplepixiedust · 02/04/2015 09:13

I would be inclined to look into adoption. Really look into it. Being single isn't in itself a barrier. What is putting you off this route?

I have an 8 yo and would love another child. My husband and I are separating but once that is sorted and if I am coping ok, I hope to be able to consider adopting a pre school age child. Need to get myself sorted first though and make sure M is ok with it at that time. Careful consideration is needed as it is a big deal.

Purplepixiedust · 02/04/2015 09:15

Do you have family support? I have very little now and it isn't to be underestimated. I do have a number of close friends that form my support network many of whom are parents with children of a similar age. We all help each other out and they are invaluable to me.

NotOnMyWatchOhNo · 02/04/2015 09:16

littlebairn
I'm a single parent with a dd that spent 3 months in scbu.
I coped because I had to.
When I'm ill I just get on with it.

NotOnMyWatchOhNo · 02/04/2015 09:18

holeinmyheart
Don't have a child incase they beat you up as a teenager?!!
That is the most ridiculous thing I've read on here in a long time!!!!!
Do you think all women are weak and men strong??
I'm guessing you're from a different generation, times have changed thank goodness.

LittleBairn · 02/04/2015 09:22

underneeth there is a big difference between finding yourself in a position like yours and creating a situation that could have been avoided like the OP.

Everyone's circumstance are different I would find it impossible to be at our neonatal unit without the help of others. Our DD was expected to be premature so trust me I went through every sort of scenario.

If the OP were to become seriously ill and hospitalised with no family help and couldn't afford a live in nanny the chances are the child would end up in foster care.

These sort of situations might seem far reached but they do happen and without family support it can make life very difficult.

Leafitout · 02/04/2015 09:22

Yanbu and go for it.

Christelle2207 · 02/04/2015 09:33

OP I was thinking along the same lines as you a few years back when staring 35 in the face and single. But then I met DP (online)and we now have a DS. I don't think you're selfish at all. However I would say that parenting -even with a dp- is extremely hard work. If you adopted and missed out the baby stage it may be more doable. But I could not do it alone unless I was financially very stable (which I only am because of DP- I get away with working p-t) and had more local family support than I do (they help quite a bit but are 1h away and could never "drop everythong" eg if I or DS were ill). Thinking back to when I was thinking of going it alone I think I was naive to think it could be very doable alone. But no one understands how hard it is until they are in that situation-
More often than not everything sorts itself out in the end

fabuleux · 02/04/2015 09:37

I don't think you're selfish at all. Although as a pp said please don't go down "sleep with random man" route for all the reasons mentioned. Go for sperm donation, do a quick google will give you all the info you need.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 02/04/2015 09:40

Underneath, RTFT, sleeping with a random man was one of the first suggestions to the op.

iHAVEtogetoutofhere · 02/04/2015 09:46

Holes and Sandgrowns posts are very wise.

I understand the overwhelming desire for a child.
I am sure you would do a great job of mothering your child.

But the needs of that child, from tiny baby to adulthood, are always paramount.

Do you have a network of permanent male figures to 'stand in' for a father as the child develops? The child WILL need this. You can mother your child but you cant 'father' it too. Boys especially need male role models.

The child will likely want to know about their other parent.
They may feel half of them is 'missing'.
How will this be for them and you?

Also, practically, the raising of a child alone whilst you still need to earn and it is small and needy and you are exhausted much of the time is harder than you can ever imagine.

Flip

1 2 3 4