To become a parent although I don't have a partner?

[Lemonadeorlemons]

As much as I wish I could, I don't think I want to go into my 40s childless, which of course isn't a judgement on those who do :) it's more how I see things.

I am researching my options and I'm not sure really - what do others think?

The main ones seem to be IUI a or IVF with donated sperm or adoption. I am fairly sure I would like to have as young a child as possible if I were to adopt which might pose difficulties and there are other considerations with regard to my lifestyle which might be a problem for adoption agencies.

I know it's probably really selfish but I just can't imagine not being a Mum.

holeinmyheart

So basically only SAHMs are allowed to have children and beware they might beat you up when they are teenagers? WTF?

I'm a single mum and can honestly say it is FAR easier being a single parent than it is parenting with an unsupportive partner. ExH1 left when DS1 was approaching 2, and DD was 4.5 months. He completely left our lives so the children have had no parental input from him. We have tried to find him, but he basically chose to opt out of parenthood.

ExH2 left when I was around 17 weeks pregnant with DS2 who is now 20 months old. So I did most of the pregnancy alone as well. I didn't have an easy pregnancy at all, with severe hyperemesis to term resulting in many hospital admissions. And we managed fine (largely thanks to the amazing support here on MN).

I actually love that I am raising my children as a single mum now. It wasn't what I expected, but the freedom to make my own parenting choices, the lack of any arguing or tension - it's bloody brilliant. We are all really happy, and DS1, despite this "lack of a father" which according to studies can have a very negative impact on education etc, just became one of only 3 from his primary school to pass to our Grammar. I am so proud of him.

Financially I am able to do this - I have a well paid job, rent a couple of rooms out (my house, although still needing work is pretty huge). Practically I juggle nursery with support of an au pair (for the elder two after school and some housework) and a couple of days a week my youngest is with his grandmothers. All managed with only a very small monthly maintenance contribution from the father of DS2 (less than 25% of the childcare costs I pay for him).

I am also expecting DC4 - completely unplanned, contraceptive failure. And STUPIDLY the father is ExH2. But he's said he will have nothing to do with this child, will not be named on birth certificate etc. (and finally I can lay the demons of that awful relationship to rest) So, in a few months I will be a single mum to 4.

Like I said, practically and financially I can manage this (with absolutely no government support). There are days when it feels a bit much, but a cup of tea seems to sort me out. If, from a practical perspective, you feel you have the resources (financial, support network, time) then I wish you all the best. There are huge advantages to being a single parent, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Lemon here is the link to that other thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1877198-Donor-IUI

With regards to the decision to have children being selfish - when I went to the obligatory counselling session before I had my first iui I asked the cousellor if I was being selfish. (A 'friend' had told me that I was). The counsellor said, 'of course, everyone who has children is being selfish'. Because everyone who decides to get pregnant and bring a child into the world is doing it for their own needs. A child doesn't ask to be born. So, yes, it is a selfish choice, but no more so that anyone else who decides to have a baby.
Good luck Lemon, like I said before, PM me if you want to know more.
Got to run now, my donor conceived dd and I have to go out soon.

waves can totally relate to 'a cup of tea seems to sort me out' !

My friend who is 38 and single has literally just given birth as a result of IVF.

She wanted to be a mother more than anything so she did IVF and her baby boy is 6 days old.

I've been in a relationship for 3 years and suffered 3 miscarriages in the last 10 months so believe me when I say even having a partner is absolutely no guarantee you'd get be a mother.

If this is want you want more then do it. My friend did and now is a Mum.

And please don't sleep with a random, I know you didn't suggest it. But that is an incredibly selfish option.

IVF or assisted conception is the right and regulated way to do it

I couldn't have envisaged being 40 and childless either. However if I had tried and triwd and failed, I think I may have been able to think well I gave it my best shot, it hasn't worked, now let's do something else with my life.
The point is, I had to try.
After 4 failed IUI's I hit the jackpot with mild IVF and honestly DD has changed everything. She is without doubt the best thing to happen to me.
I nearly lost her. I had IUGR and she spent 2 months in special care. I still can't believe how lucky I am and haven't got over the trauma.
In an ideal world I would have liked another, but I don't know if my body could handle it. Also I think 2 alone would be too much for me, though plenty of people manage.

Good luck. If it's the right path for you to take you will jist know!

iHAVE

I take great exception to your post. A child does not NEED a permanent male figure in its life. I PARENT my children. The fact that I am female is pretty bloody irrelevant. I am their parent.

DS1 is amazing - bright, caring, and a huge credit to me actually. (See above re his amazing educational success recently)

Boys need male role models? Maybe that could be ideal in some circumstances.... But having one steady parent is far preferable to a huge amount of the "role models" they are exposed to given numerous posts here on MN.

OP - I just reiterate what I said before. And I haven't been permanently exhausted like some of the scare stories suggest I should have been/still be. And I managed to ebf my youngest to 7 months when solids were introduced, and continued bf to 19 months. DS2 has been accompanying me all over Europe on business trips since he was 18 weeks old to ensure we could continue breastfeeding in fact. So it CAN be done, and it can be a walk in the park. It is for us.

I'd go for it if I were you. I had DD as a single parent when I was 19. Her father disappeared as soon as I told him I was pregnant. My mother was very supportive and I had some really good friends too, so some kind of support network is very useful.

I don't think raising DD as a lone parent was especially hard - I suppose I have nothing to compare it to. But I personally liked the fact I could make all the decisions, that I didn't have to worry about a partner, that I could go anywhere in the world and not have to worry about anyone but DD.

DD is now 14 and so far is very well rounded and balanced. She doesn't appear to have suffered from a lack of father figure. I think an awful lot of a child's personality is inherent in them from the moment they're born. Of course their upbringing plays a part, but I think that on the whole, you get the child and their personality the moment they're born. So if they're going to be highly-strung, it's likely they'll have been that way even if you were happily married.

Good luck!

It depends what the "considerations relating to your lifestyle" are. If these are things which would mean that an adoption agency would not consider you a suitable parent, would they not impact the quality of your parenting of a biological child?

Women do this, all the time, but normally not on purpose. But it is tough. Do all your sums on childcare, in detail, and work out what your emergency backup plans are. Wavesandsmiles is doing just fine, but has a huge house to rent out to help pay the bills and house an au pair and two sets of grandparents to help with childcare (you might have one but certainly wouldn't have two). With supportive friends and relatives it might be fine for you too, but if you had absolutely nobody you'd be walking a tightrope.

If you are thinking about adoption, go over to the adoption board and get advice from people who have been there. Adoption isn't an easy option, especially as a single parent, because of the amount of time you will have to take off work with a newly placed child.

You would have to prove that you could survive without an income for at least a year if not two. You would also have to have a very strong support system.

If I was in your position I would look first to see whether you could get a "known" sperm donor - do you have any male friends who would like to co-parent with you? Or even donate and remain as a distant but contactable figure? Then I would look into donor insemination, bearing in mind that the law is constantly being changed and updated, and the chances are that your child will want to have contact with your donor in the future.

Either way, I would go the getting pregnant route first. After all, you don't know if you can even get pregnant and if you can't you can look into adopting later. You can't really do it the other way around, as if you want to have a baby it's not wise to wait until your 40s.

Someone suggested sleeping with a random, but there was absolutely nothing in the ops post that indicated she was thinking of this!

wavesandsmiles - sorry if you feel offended, that was not my intention.
My post was in no way a comment on your particular circumstances.

Simply to say:

Any child will benefit from having both male and female role models in its life.

Any child also benefits from stability in their models.

Therefore, if the 'natural father' isn't around for any reason, (donor, separation, death) then it is very helpful for the male child in particular to have a range of male role models to learn 'how to be a man in society' from.

it is very helpful for the male child in particular to have a range of male role models to learn 'how to be a man in society' from.

I say go for it.

Thanks iHAVE for clarifying - it is a sensitive subject for me as I am aware of the studies and documented impacts on children. I spent may years reminding my elder children that the absence of their birth father was not so bad as they had the most amazing role model in the form of my father who was very involved. Then a few years ago he very unexpectedly dropped dead of a heart attack.

Since then, my focus is on stability of our family unit - and I hope that all my children go on to be the exceptions to the rule that children with no major male role models can be emotionally healthy, academically successful, and generally lovely, well adjusted adults!

Sorry for "biting" - like I said, I do think though that not having a birth father about is preferable to having one who is abusive or unreliable.

I say go for it as well.
My friend did the donor sperm route.
Successful on the 2nd attempt (she was 39 when she gave birth)
She now has the most beautiful little boy.
2 months old.
As predicted she is a wonderful mum.
She has a good support network around her and is financially very secure.
She would never have had a child otherwise and she was soooo maternal.

Many many thousands of children out there have a male role model that is completely and utterly unsuitable. Abusive, misogynistic males that continues the cycle of abuse onto the next generation.
Blimey you only have to read on here how many males out there are total arseholes.
You absolutely do NOT need a male role model.

A good and loving parent with a stable home life is what is required!

I've done it both ways and IME I found it easier as a single parent. We rubbed along nicely thank you very much and DD never lacked for positive role models (male or female) because although my support network was small, it was quality.

Fast foward to present day where I have another child (11 months), a partner, in laws, house to run, job issues (if children ill, I have to pick up as DP works out of town), nursery/school runs (DP can't do them because of his work hours), stress caused by conflict in family (on occasion), feeling I have to be on my best behaviour if I want support/a favour, larger bills, smaller space in the house and so on.

Although I wouldn't change a thing (well, maybe a couple of things), I'd say go for it .

Waves to waves

Glad you didn't take my observations/opinion personally.
You sound like you are doing a great job of parenting btw.

Of course I don't mean that children without stable male role models cant go onto to be well rounded happy successful people.
(Studies often show whatever the person commissioning them wants

It is just preferable for everyone if they do have male role models, despite Enb's eyerolling!

I agree, an absent father is preferable to an abusive one and there are plenty of circs where it is unavoidable - desertion, death, long periods away at war (during WWII for example).
But this is something the OP would be actively choosing to do, so it is one of the considerations to mull over.

Whether it is the 'right' thing to do in the OP's situation only she can know.
Whether a child will be happy growing up potentially without a stable male role model, no one can know but the child and then well into adulthood and able to look back and reflect, I think.

If your concern is 'will I be able to have a child' then you should get a fertility check up. I became single when I was 39 and wanted a child desperately. I went to a fertility clinic and they were able to tell me that my eggs were in good shape and I should be able to conceive. I chose not to get them frozen although I believe this is now an option. I met someone and had my DC at 42.

i think you should go for it.
i know someone who had a daughter through sperm donation.
i think she went to denmark to have it done.
she lives in a smallish town and nice, available, reasonably attractive men around her age do not exist.
she was looking down the barrel of 39 with no fella in sight so she went ahead and had a child on her own.
i think she was right.
she is very happy now with her daughter.
she also has a good family support network and a good job so she is lucky in that respect.

I don't think you're selfish. And I don't think any of us who have kids have a right to judge when we've never been in that position.
The fact that you've already thought long and hard about it and it will be a conscious decision is already an advantage for your future child- too many children are born without a parent with that commitment.
I have a friend who has the same worries about not having kids and will support her wholeheartedly if she decides to find a sperm donor.

Holes post is absolutely bizarre. Don't have a child because you may have to use paid for childcare, your child may be a male and he may physically harm you? What world are you living in??

The other perspective:
You may have to use paid for childcare - that is okay.
You may have a boy - that is okay. Boys are great. So are girls.
You may have a troublesome teen at some point - that is okay. Many do, and survive it.

I was a single parent for 7 years and am now in a loving relationship with a man who loves my son. We are a family of three. Before that my son and I were still a family, and still happy. Single parenthood is very very hard. Parenting within q relationship is also hard! But in my opinion its the best thing I've ever done. Being a single parent can be exhausting but you have a child for a lot longer than the hard bit. The relationship with your child lasts your whole life long, hopefully, and that gives you time to also fond a partner if that is what you want.

So many women and men raise children on their own and do okay. I would advise anyone who wanted to to just go for it, you won't regret it

Some posts on here that I find very strange. Op, look into it. You're not a bad person for wanting a child! Across the globe, single parent families are thriving, living life, loving each other. Whether through choice or circumstance. I believe in traditional & non-traditional families, I believe that a loving, present parent is all you need. Best of luck.

My dh never had any male role models, just strong female ones and he's as 'blokey' as you can get.

Sorry for typos. Also just wanted to say that I used to get so worked up about mu son not having "positive male role models" and being statically doomed or something wish I had not bothered worrying, what a waste of energy! Instead just try to ensure that your child (and you) have lots of nice people in their life. Male, female, whatever. Just lots of love, and maybe a diversity of opinions and lifestyles. Let them see that not everyone is the same, that there are different ways to exist, and that kindness is paramount and they will be fine!

“We found no empirical evidence that the associations between gender role traits and adolescent psychological well-being were different for girls and boys, or for those with or without male role models. These findings contradict the claims of scholars who, based on social learning theory, assert that male role models, particularly for boys, play a critical role in the development of healthy psychological well-being.”

williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Bos-Goldberg-VanGelderen-Gartell-Gender-Society-June-2012.pdf