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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To become a parent although I don't have a partner?

77 replies

Lemonadeorlemons · 02/04/2015 08:15

As much as I wish I could, I don't think I want to go into my 40s childless, which of course isn't a judgement on those who do :) it's more how I see things.

I am researching my options and I'm not sure really - what do others think?

The main ones seem to be IUI a or IVF with donated sperm or adoption. I am fairly sure I would like to have as young a child as possible if I were to adopt which might pose difficulties and there are other considerations with regard to my lifestyle which might be a problem for adoption agencies.

I know it's probably really selfish Sad but I just can't imagine not being a Mum.

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 02/04/2015 11:47

waves I'm in such a similar situation to you it's uncanny!

hellsbellsmelons · 02/04/2015 11:49

My dad never had a male role model either.
He was brought up by a relative when she rescued him from an orphanage - and yes that is where his mother put him.
He is the nicest bloke ever. The best dad, grandad and husband you could possibly want.

My mums DDad wasn't around either - killed in the war so she had no good male role model.
She is a fabulous lady (fading now though) and a wonderful mother, grandmother and wife.
Male role model my eye!!!

theendoftheendoftheend · 02/04/2015 11:52

OP don't be put off by the thought of being a single parent, there are aspects that are easier ime. Not everyone has children in 'ideal' circumstances, it doesn't detract from those families though. Children don't need 2 parents, 1 good one will suffice.

iHAVEtogetoutofhere · 02/04/2015 12:11

Enb - thanks for that info, it is interesting.
There are a range of studies of course but this is helpful to be included in the discussion.

I didn't say a child NEEDS a male role model, but that it is desirable.

So yes, hellsbells there will be plenty of examples of men who have grown up without them (but with great mums!) and done really well as human beings.

It is desirable in society in general that children have a range of stable role models, including male ones. If the natural dad isn't to be around then the OP needs to think about who in her family / circle might offer some of that input to the child.

There are many many other desirable things too, primarily a 'good enough' MUM and this will (probably) have a greater effect than anything.

I was absolutely NOT having a pop at single mums. I am one.
I was just saying that male role models are important too.

FrenchJunebug · 02/04/2015 12:13

OP I had a child on my own exactly for the same reasons as you. I love my DS with all my heart, I don't regret it one minute.

DS knows is birth story and he is not missing out. That is what he knows. After all there are kids with divorced parents at nursery. No family near but some good friends.

It is hard but then parenting is IMO.

Go for it.

Enb76 · 02/04/2015 12:19

I didn't say a child NEEDS a male role model, but that it is desirable.

Yes - there are lots of things that are desirable however, the OP was asking whether it's ok to have a child without having a partner. So the answer is yes, of course it is. The need for a male in a child's life, while it would be a preferred option is not strictly necessary in order to bring up a healthy, happy child.

A child does need a good role model but it doesn't have to be male or female it just has to be a good role model.

iHAVEtogetoutofhere · 02/04/2015 12:32

Enb - the thing is, none of us CAN say: 'yes, OP, it will be fine', a male role model is desirable but not necessary, not for sure.

The child may grow up to be quite 'aware' of a gap where his/her father would be, and the child may not.

A great mum and a range of good role models will make any 'gap' less likely (which is why I was saying it was very important to be mindful of it when the OP is making her decision)

but it is no guarantee.

Only that child, in adulthood, can look back and decide for themselves if their childhood was 'good enough' to meet (all) their needs.

Enb76 · 02/04/2015 12:47

but it is no guarantee

There are no guarantees of anything - life is a risk. Perfection is not a possibility so you make do with what you have.

Ok not to have a partner and still have a child? - yes.

Via IVF or adoption? Yes.

Will it be hard? Maybe.

Do I need a man? No - there will be male influences in your child's life regardless, via friends, family, teachers etc...

Do I have to worry about my child growing up and saying 'my childhood wasn't good enough'? Every parent does but you do your best regardless of the circumstances you find yourself in. The most perfect nuclear family may not do as well on this front as their single parent neighbour, there are no guarantees how a child will turn out you just do your best.

MoanCollins · 02/04/2015 12:48

One of my friends has done this and is very happy, so is her baby. I'd say go for it. An awful lot of people get dumped and the man doesn't stay in touch or get pregnant from a one night stand and do great jobs as parents. It's not that different and is more responsible.

xxthedutchessxx · 02/04/2015 12:59

I think it's lovely that you want to and I don't see a problem with it at all! Some people on here seem to be forgetting that having a child is supposed to be hard work! I don't think i've ever heard of it being easy, there will be times where you're crying your eyes out because they just won't sleep, or eat the dinner that you struggled to make with them pulling at your clothes. BUT there will be times where you cry tears of joy because they've given you a kiss or hug or said mummy for the first time :)! I love my son more than anything in the world but he drives me CRACKERS at times! (I say crackers because he's learning to talk and I can't swear! ;) ) Ultimately, all of your hard work is so worth it because you get to have this beautiful little human that is all yours to love, and you are theirs. :)

This is one of those things where you've got to just take the risk and go for it. Obviously i'd recommend IVF/Donor etc as sleeping with random men never really works out too well in any situation! :P

I really hope you do go for it and find the right way for you! :)

iHAVEtogetoutofhere · 02/04/2015 12:59

I'd change that list:

Ok not to have a partner and still have a child? - Maybe (depends on your circs and this is what the OP is trying to work out for herself, after all)

Via IVF or adoption? Yes.

Will it be hard? Maybe.

Do I need a man? No - there will be male influences in your child's life regardless, via friends, family, teachers etc...

Does your child 'need' a father - maybe, in that they maybe aware of the lack of one, despite your best attempts to counter it. Be aware of this as a consideration when making your decision whether to have a child this way.

anothermakesthree · 02/04/2015 13:20

How can anybody possibly say that Holes post was 'wise' words. Yes, I'm sat here wondering If my teenager upstairs is going to come and beat me up. Whatever you decide, please don't factor that complete nonsense into your decision. Good luck.

wavesandsmiles · 02/04/2015 13:21

theendoftheendoftheend - I'm finding it uncanny that you are in a similar situation - I honestly thought I must be the only person in the world to have found themselves in the position of being pregnant by their ex husband.... he is my EX husband for a reason after all Grin

OP:

I really would say, work out just how you will manage practically. I am in a good position as I have enough income to support my children as a single parent: not just basic needs, but extras too (music lessons, days out, holidays, emergency childcare, and I even had DS1 going to private counseling for half a year to give him some extra emotional support given our non-traditional family set up).

In addition - do you have time? This is where I sometimes feel I am letting my children "down" a little. I work full time, also do some private teaching from home. So, I am never home when they finish school etc. I have an au pair now who basically looks after the housework for me, and is available a few days a week to look after my children after school. Gives me extra time BUT the compromise I made was that I share my bedroom (which, granted, is really big!) with DS2 who is 20 months, and will also share with the new baby who is due a few days after DS2's second birthday.

I am also fairly level headed - I cannot give my children everything that would be most "desirable". That will undoubtedly shape them as adults. Who doesn't look back at some aspect of their childhood and swear that they will do something differently to how they were parented?! I cannot afford to privately educate them (financially things were VERY tight until a few years ago when the benefits of years of post grad professional studies by distance learning finally started to pay off), cannot afford to work part time, and cannot give them a father. But there is a lot I can and have given them. So I don't think it is selfish to bring a child into the world knowing that they won't have a father so long as you are confident you can meet their basic needs - of which the most important is unconditional and unwavering love and support.

Bunbaker · 02/04/2015 13:30

"When I'm ill I just get on with it."

What kind of ill? If it is a migraine or flu you might just be able to cope. What if it is an illness requiring a hospital stay? What then?

I must admit that I found being a parent extremely difficult at first, not helped by DD's medical issues. We didn't have any other back-up and I would have really struggled without my husband to help.

BunnyCake · 02/04/2015 13:43

If I was looking into ivf with donated sperm, I think I'd want to know the opinions of adults who had been conceived in this way and how they felt about it, as their opinion would be more useful than anyone else's on the matter. I'm not sure how easy it would be to get that information online, but if at least some people conceived that way were happy with it, then I'd go ahead.

titself · 02/04/2015 14:16

bunnycake Donor conception is very well regulated and understood in the UK - donors are screened for health/inheritable disease etc. plus undergo counselling over a period of 6 months before they donate. It is unpaid and there is no anonymity, so they agree that any offspring may contact them when they get the information when they are 18. This is after overwhelming feedback from donor-conceived children who said they wanted to be able to meet their genetic donor. Only the child can instigate this meeting, the donor and parents have no rights whatsoever in this respect. I sometimes meet people who want to go abroad to get a sperm donor that is anonymous and I always think this is misguided. Non-anonymous donation is better for the child.

There are far fewer donors now that anonymity is gone, but those who do donate do so in a considered way.

FrenchJunebug · 02/04/2015 14:30

it is hard but then having a child his. Yes you will have less of a social life that your coupled friends with children but perhaps also less argument.

Bunnycake you cannot donate anonymously. My child will know who is donor is when he reaches 18. I know a lot about the donour myself. He will also be able to know and meet his stepsibblings.

OP worth joining the DCN (donor conception network) as they are incredibly supportive and are open to people considering dc, having done it, and children born from DCN.

FrenchJunebug · 02/04/2015 14:31

I meant 'fewer arguments'.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 02/04/2015 15:00

I agree with titself. The HFEA have looked into the evidence about gamete-donation children in immense depth and they came to the conclusion a) that this was not an inherently harmful way of making human beings and b) but donor anonymity was harmful and should not be allowed/encouraged. That's good enough for me.

NotOnMyWatchOhNo · 03/04/2015 09:40

bunbaker
What if you and your dh were both in hospital?
What if you both died?
What if ...... I could go on all day
Single parents aren't second best, we manage, we cope. We work things out.

Justusemyname · 30/04/2015 07:28

How lovely to see you wavesandsmiles.. Have been very worried as told you had gone back to your youngest's father and I remember all you went through. I was worried you'd bE hurt badly again.

Maliceaforethought · 30/04/2015 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crazylady12 · 30/04/2015 08:40

I chose to become a mum while I was quite young even though I was single, I did do the random person thing which I regret and is unbelievably selfish even though I did let him.know I wasn't on birth control and have never seen him since. I had job security but very little family support, I am now 23 and a single mum of two it's bloody hard work financially and mentally but I wouldn't have it any other way.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 30/04/2015 09:01

I don't think it's selfish to want to be a mother. I think it would be far more selfish to "accidentally" fall pregnant in some flimsy short term relationship, just to get what you want.

Personally I would not advise you to go down the route of adoption. Firstly, because adoption is extremely complicated, can take a hell of a long time, and you have to be utterly committed to actually helping the child at the end of it. I think a lot of people still have this idea that they just hand you a perfect baby and that's it.

Also, I think it is utterly TRAGIC that sperm donation is no longer anonymous. I consider it to be one of the most simpering, misguided changes to any part of the regulations dealing with reproduction.

If a man wanted a child, then they would have a child. Sperm donation used to be a very selfless act purely to help women who wanted a child. It makes me so angry that now a guy can donate sperm and then 18 years later have someone turn up on his doorstep. That's is hugely unfair on them - they never ASKED for that child.

OneHeartyCoralCat · 06/01/2026 20:49

I don't want to go into my 20s without being a mum because I think it might do me good to be a mum mentally