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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be jealous of SAHP DH during school hols?

58 replies

AugustaGloop · 01/04/2015 18:07

DH has been a SAHP (his decision) since about Sept. Previously we had nannies. DDs are 10 and 11.

I have been feeling quite jealous of DH this week. They have had a couple of lovely days out, met up with friends etc. More lovely plans next week. Apart from the bank hols and one additional day, I will be at work. I am feeling quite jealous. I would not want them just to stay in, and if there is something I particularly wanted to do I am sure they would not do it without me and would wait for the weekend. So it is not that.

This is the first longer holiday since DH has been a SAHP (well, there was Christmas but I had a decent amount of time off then) so I suspect I will feel like this over the summer too.

I did not feel like this when we had a nanny (who also used to do nice things with the DC during school hols). Why does if it feel worse that it is DH getting to spend all that lovely time with them?

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
flowery · 01/04/2015 18:10

I don't understand how one parent becomes a SAHP purely as their own individual decision. How did that happen? Did he just resign his job and refused to look for work and sacked the nanny?

Totality22 · 01/04/2015 18:12

Have to agree with poster above. Wasn't it a joint decision?

Also given dd's ages does it warrant a full time sahp?

InfinitySeven · 01/04/2015 18:13

I suspect the problem is that he decided, it wasn't a joint decision.

With nannies, you being at home isn't an option. You and DH were working, so somebody needed to be looking after the children, and you'll have chosen a nanny that got along with them and was well-qualified for the job.

Now that it's DH, your brain is suddenly aware that actually, it could be you. You are surviving on just your wage, so you could survive on just his, and then you could be the one at home spending time with your children rather than in meetings.

The holidays are the worst, because there is no rushed school mornings or homework, it's just lovely days out and activities and late mornings.

The only way to overcome it is to work as a team, and it doesn't sound like DH is very good at that.

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2015 18:14

I think it's understandable OP, because the nanny isn't their other parent.

Still, as long as you're all happy and your DDs are having fun, I'd just try to focus on the weekends.

Duckdeamon · 01/04/2015 18:16

It doesn't sound like you're happy with the new set-up. Being a SAHP to older DC sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me, term time and holidays! Yanbu if you want him to return to work!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 01/04/2015 18:17

Is he intending on this being a long term position, seeing as the dd's are 10 and 11?

I can understand why you feel left out and a bit miffed.

Original poster
AugustaGloop · 01/04/2015 18:31

Sorry, in relation to the "his decision" thing, I am a high earner so he does not need to work for financial reasons. I think it is his decision whether he works or not. We can afford for him not to but I think it is up to him whether he is ok with giving up his financial independence. He always chose to work until about 2.5 years ago when he gave up a job because he did not like the office politics. He then got another job which was temporary. He had hoped it would become permanent but it did not (although was extended a bit). The end of that job happened to coincide with our nanny leaving to go back to Oz so he decided to become a SAHP for a bit while he decided what to do next. he has not yet worked out what next (has half-heartedly applied for a couple of jobs) and is enjoying being a SAHP. the DC like it too (although were also happy when we had nannies).

I am happy for him to be a SAHP if that is what he wants, although we have had some teething problems - I did think it would translate to more free time for me at weekends as he could get more chores doen during the week. This has not really happened, although to be fair we are not talking masses of chores as we have a cleaner! it is gradually improving though.

So although I have had some resentments about the amount of free time he has relative to me, I did not expect to be jealous of his time with the DC in this way.

I have been getting into work a bit later than usual this week!

OP posts:
Slowtrain2dawn · 01/04/2015 18:45

YANBU. My jealousy extends to every single person I see with a child out having fun this week whilst I am at work!! So if you are U I am even more so.
When my DH was SAHP it was lovely not to worry about childcare in school holiday though, so you are lucky there.

ssd · 01/04/2015 18:54

good grief I'm jealous of him too!!

he's one of those stay at home parents of school age kids, will a cleaner and a high earning partner!

who wouldn't be jealous?!

Joyfulleastersquad · 01/04/2015 18:56

Wow what a lucky man!

bearhug · 01/04/2015 19:01

it could be worse. my DP is on holiday with our DS while I'm working. not that I would want to stop them from seeing his family, but I do miss them and am not enjoying the peace and quiet at home as much as people seem to think I shouldSad

MrsPeterQuill · 01/04/2015 19:02

I'm a SAHP. I'd give my left leg to be able to go to work during the school holidays and somebody else have the kids.

But seriously, if your dc are 10 and 11 and you have a cleaner, yet there are still chores to be done at the weekend, what is you DH actually doing with his time when the kids are at school in the week?!

VacantExpression · 01/04/2015 19:02

Yep, I'm jealous of him too OP, YANBU! I work from home which today has been a nightmare with my three DC home I would LOVE a high earning partner. He is a lucky man- but it sounds like he is making sure your DC's have a good holiday too if they're doing loads of lovely things so in that way you are lucky too!

Make sure you do the best things on the weekends and then everyone's a winner eh?

Eigg · 01/04/2015 19:05

I would agree, if your children are school aged and you gave a cleaner there should be nothing to be done at the weekend.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 01/04/2015 19:05

I am that kind of SAHP - DH earns good money, we have a cleaner - and in this house it absolutely translates into DH having spare time at the weekends, it translates into all of us having spare time at the weekends.

He needs to buck up a little, IMO.

Ragwort · 01/04/2015 19:09

Didn't you post about the housework/chores thing a few weeks ago? Apologies if it was a different poster but the situation sounds very similar ....... I think there is more to this than just being 'jealous' of a few days out.

FWIW - I am at home with a grumpy teenager and am quite envious of my DH going off to work. Grin.

RitaOrange · 01/04/2015 19:12

He is a SAHP to a 10 and 11 year old ??
What on earth is he doing if you have a cleaner ?

Im sure this week will be lovely - getting ready for easter, bunnies,home baking etc.
Next week - norovirus, colds ,boredom and whiiiiining [GRIN]

BabyGanoush · 01/04/2015 19:15

But chores never stop, do they?

I am a sahm of older kids, and wven if the house is find and fridge full of food on Friday, at the weekends beds still need to made, loos cleaned, dog hair hoovered, food cooked, washing up done, a load if laundry..... Housework never bloody ends, IMO

just a thought.

Other than that, if you are not happy with the set up: talk to him.

cashewnutty · 01/04/2015 19:17

I work part time, and have one DD at home but she is 17 so not really any work. My DH works long hours and is always very jealous of the things i can do with DD or even by myself on my days off.

I do all the housework and cooking etc though and i walk the dog twice a day so i am not exactly lazy. Even if i worked full time i wouldn't bring in enough for DH to take a step down. He benefits from a clean orderly home and it means the weekends are clear for us to do things together.

Original poster
AugustaGloop · 01/04/2015 19:20

I did post a few weeks ago about the chores side of things. I wanted to understand what was reasonable to expect of him. The reaction (from some at least) was a bit different to this thread. Quite a few people thought I was unreasonable to think some of his free time should be used for my benefit (although to be fair my examples of the types of chores I gave were a bit crap - just the firs things that came to mind at the time).

We are working through that one and it is improving. I think it is probably harder to readjust the balance where someone is moving to being a SAHP having previously shared chores than it is where someone is a SAHP from the outset, just as it is harder when a SAHP goes back to work for the WOHP to adjust to taking over some of the chores than when both parents have been WOHP from the outset.

But the jealousy thing about time with the DC I did not expect as it is not like I am spending less time with them! I realise though that the DC are at a very easy age at the moment - delightful company, well behaved, quite independent. In a few years when the teenage years hit I am sure my DH will be the jealous one (if he sticks with being a SAHP that is).

OP posts:
TwoOddSocks · 01/04/2015 19:26

Totally understandable. A nanny isn't a parent so probably isn't going to relish the time with your DC's like your husband can. He's building memories with them and having a great time while your stuck in work.

I don't believe the SAHP should be a domestic slave but he should be doing a few hours of house work a day if there's stuff that needs doing. Then there shouldn't be much left for the weekend apart from a bit of washing up and everyone picking up after themselves.

ShutUpLegs · 01/04/2015 19:26

YANBU

DH works in education so has the same holidays as the kids. I work full time, based from home. I hate the holidays when I am ensconced in the spare room and I can hear/see them all hanging out together. I was a SAHM for 5 years until DD2 started school and I miss it.

KwaziisEyepatch · 01/04/2015 19:43

I get that he doesn't need to work but couldn't he work part time do that you could do the same? Say he worked 3 days a week, you worked 4 and then you'd both get time off. I realise it's mig that easy to achieve but I don't see why he should get 100% of the time at home just because he earns less.

MrsPeterQuill · 01/04/2015 19:47

twooddsocks that was my point. I'm no 1950's housewife by any stretch of the imagination but both my dcs are at school now. DH works in excess of 60+ hours a week. He'd (understandably) be a bit pissed off if he then came home and had to start doing 'chores' (although he does do stuff around the house, don't get me wrong.)

OP, I know this wasn't your Aibu, but it seems to me your dh gets to do all the good stuff and 'perks' of being a SAHP without any of the tedious bits. When you say that you have to do chores at the weekend, what kind of stuff do you mean?

LinesThatICouldntChange · 01/04/2015 19:53

Sounds like you have a set up which is great for him, but which you're no longer happy with. Time to renegotiate.
There are many and varied possible set ups. What worked for us, was for neither of us to shoulder the burden of being an extremely high single earner. Instead, we've both always worked, in well paid but not ridiculously pressurised careers. I did drop to 3 days a week when the children were under school age, stepping back up when the youngest was 4.

I can see that having an established set up where you earn very well and he doesn't earn, makes it difficult to sort it out overnight, because he's unlikely to step straight back into work. But in your situation I would be planning for how to get things on a more equal footing.

Having a SAHP should be something that's jointly negotiated, and presumably is about doing something which you both believe is best for your children. Not a passport to a cushier lifestyle for one parent just because it suits them

Time for a serious chat

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