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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be jealous of SAHP DH during school hols?

58 replies

AugustaGloop · 01/04/2015 18:07

DH has been a SAHP (his decision) since about Sept. Previously we had nannies. DDs are 10 and 11.

I have been feeling quite jealous of DH this week. They have had a couple of lovely days out, met up with friends etc. More lovely plans next week. Apart from the bank hols and one additional day, I will be at work. I am feeling quite jealous. I would not want them just to stay in, and if there is something I particularly wanted to do I am sure they would not do it without me and would wait for the weekend. So it is not that.

This is the first longer holiday since DH has been a SAHP (well, there was Christmas but I had a decent amount of time off then) so I suspect I will feel like this over the summer too.

I did not feel like this when we had a nanny (who also used to do nice things with the DC during school hols). Why does if it feel worse that it is DH getting to spend all that lovely time with them?

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
Daffodilpots · 01/04/2015 20:09

We both work and take it in turns to have the children sometimes in the holidays. I'm always really jealous when I have to go off to work and leave the rest of them lounging in their pyjamas!

It's definitely not the same when they're dropped at the childminders for the day and we're both at work.

On the other hand I think DH is quite glad when he can go to quiet, calm work and leave me with the chaos!

Babycham1979 · 02/04/2015 07:53

It seems Mumsnet hypocrisy is out in force again on this subject. Why do people still insist on setting such double standards for SAHMs and SAHDs? If the roles were reversed, there would be no mention of 'how good he's got it' or how 'cushy' his life is.

It really does annoy me that on here, people's first reaction is still that a man should be out working and a woman at home with the kids, because that's really what's behind such double standards. Accusing a SAHM of 'having g it easy' gets you instantly shot down I. Flames, but SAHDs are fair game? Piss off. It's that lins of attitude that is holding women (and men) back.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/04/2015 08:04

Gosh if I were at home full time with two school age dcs my house would be immaculate for the weekend! Obviously dishes still need to be done, and a bit of school uniform ironing at the weekend, but in all seriousness, unless you live in a mansion, one adult should be able to keep on top of housework if they have 30 free hours a week.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/04/2015 08:05

And my post would stand for SAHMs too. 30 childfree hours a week is more than enough for housework and downtime.

whygodwhy · 02/04/2015 08:13

Completely understandable ... I'm in the same position as your DH, and do appreciate how lucky I am, the one thing I think is important is that you have all your weekend/evening time free for the good stuff in life. I would never ask my DH to help out with the daily grind of the household anymore than he'd ask me to wade in at the office. That said I'm no "Stepford Wife" whilst I don't expect him to do anything around the house he would help without question if I asked. Perhaps you could let your DH know that you need to have family time as pure quality time?

shewept · 02/04/2015 08:20

Can't help but feel if the OP was the dh, he would be told to get a grip.

There are many women who are sahm to school age children, while their dh earns great money and have cleaners. Whilst I agree that there shouldn't be day to day chores to do at the weekend, something's will still need doing.

Why have both parents out at work, if there is no need. So many people think its good to have a parent there in the mornings and evening and school holidays. And very few people would tell a sahm to go get a part time job, if they didn't need to. I can't work out why its not the same for sahd.

GnomeDePlume · 02/04/2015 08:21

I remember your other thread and think that you did get a bit of a hard time on that.

My DH was SAHP for a number of years and now works 16 hours per week. DCs are 19, 16 & 15. (Only putting this in to say that I do have experience of a similar situation)

There does need to be a period of readjustment. Both for you and your DH.

With DCs not requiring the close looking after that small children need your DH should be taking on a lot more of the 'home manager' role. He has the hours to do this and leave you all free to really enjoy weekends and holidays without having to do more than running maintenance.

Your jealousy is understandable. What my DH did was use the mid week free time during holidays to take DCs to the places which I wouldnt have enjoyed. For us/them that meant trips to the zoo (bores me rigid) and local mud water park (yuk yuk yuk). Is there similar for your family?

BsshBosh · 02/04/2015 08:29

OP couldn't you take some more time off during school holidays so you can enjoy those days with your DH and DDs (aside from the weekends). I stay at home but full time working DH has taken one full week off and we've been out with DD doing fun things every day this week so far. It's been bliss.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/04/2015 08:59

My DH is a TA so whilst he isnt a SAHD permanently, he is off all school holidays. Whilst it is a grind going to work on sunny days knowing he will be having a picnic at the park or a trip to the beach with other friends and their dcs, it is just life. I suck it up. And I love that my kids have some proper quality time just with dad.

It has also made him completely aware of how hard it can be to be at home with the kids all day - and he is very capable.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 02/04/2015 09:02

I would have posted exactly the same if this were a SAHM; it's nothing to do with double standards.

A family is a unit, and roles should be agreed and renegotiated periodically in a way which suits all members. Clearly the OP is no longer comfortable with being the sole high earner, and feels the balance isn't right. Time to talk, renegotiate. It's not as simple as saying if one partner can earn enough, why should the other bother working. To be frank, either DH or me could support the other financially. It doesn't mean it would necessarily be a good thing for one of us to stop working though.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 02/04/2015 09:19

^It seems Mumsnet hypocrisy is out in force again on this subject. Why do people still insist on setting such double standards for SAHMs and SAHDs? If the roles were reversed, there would be no mention of 'how good he's got it' or how 'cushy' his life is.

It really does annoy me that on here, people's first reaction is still that a man should be out working and a woman at home with the kids, because that's really what's behind such double standards. Accusing a SAHM of 'having g it easy' gets you instantly shot down I. Flames, but SAHDs are fair game? Piss off. It's that lins of attitude that is holding women (and men) back.^

^^This. Exactly.

And if a man posted that he thought his SAHW with school age DCs and a cleaner should think about getting a job, the consensus would be that:

Older DCs still need a SAHP
There is still a lot to do at home
He is probably not pulling his weight like he thinks he is

But OP - are you able to take time off to do things as a family? Even if you get only the minimum statutory holiday per year it's nearly six weeks so when do you get to use it?

Can you make sure that, as well as 'away' family holidays, you get a few days where you just go out for the day as a family?

shewept · 02/04/2015 09:21

lines I actually agree. One of us could not work. But its not best for us. And you may post the same. But if a man here said his wife was now a sahm and I don't like it, we don't need to money but I am not happy with her spending do much time with the kids. I want to renegotiate and tell her she needs to work pt. There would outrage.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/04/2015 09:28

But no one is saying he should get a job. Just that he should be doing the majority of the house/child care

NorahDentressangle · 02/04/2015 09:31

It's early days - surely the boredom of being a sahp will hit before too long. And being at home with DCs can be a bind in the holidays, trailing them round to friends etc.
The thing is people have an online community if they are stuck in the house. but I don't know if that would fully compensate for the socializing you get at work etc
I would say he might start job hunting sooner than you think.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 02/04/2015 09:37

but the OP isn't saying 'it's not fair; he spends too much time with the kids'. She's saying that overall she isn't content with how their roles have developed. It may be that by him stepping up and working part time, for instance, she could reduce Her work hours or her responsibilities, which would result in a better balance all round.

things aren't set in stone. Maybe she felt it worked well when the children were younger to have one parent at home, but now she feels there is an imbalance.

rollonthesummer · 02/04/2015 09:46

What jobs are you having to do around the house at the weekends?

TwoOddSocks · 02/04/2015 09:47

If there are lots of chores left over at the weekend I think it would be fair that OP got to take the kids out on one of the days while her husband got on with household stuff, especially since he's chosen to stay home. It's not like he's given up a career he loved to enable OP to keep her career.

In terms of him returning to work; unless there was a chance of OP reducing her hours (often not possible) I don't think there would be any point in this just to make it "fairer" if there was going to be no actual benefit to anyone in the family. Better that he pulls his weight during the day. He should have 5 hours free while the kids are at school - if he did an hour of housework and spent an hour preparing dinner that still leaves him 3 hours to himself.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 02/04/2015 09:47

It seems Mumsnet hypocrisy is out in force again on this subject. Why do people still insist on setting such double standards for SAHMs and SAHDs? If the roles were reversed, there would be no mention of 'how good he's got it' or how 'cushy' his life is

It really does annoy me that on here, people's first reaction is still that a man should be out working and a woman at home with the kids, because that's really what's behind such double standards. Accusing a SAHM of 'having g it easy' gets you instantly shot down I. Flames, but SAHDs are fair game? Piss off. It's that lins of attitude that is holding women (and men) back

This, absolutely.

I totally understand you feeling how you do OP, but it is absolutely true that a SAHM is 'doing a job' and shouldn't do everything for her DP, he should do his share of chores etc.

If it's a SAHD, fair game. Different rules for men and women, therefore fundamentally wrong.

I also find it monumentally hypocritical.

rollonthesummer · 02/04/2015 09:59

I don't think it's terribly fair for anyone to be a stay at home parent now-man or woman-if the working parent is unhappy with the arrangement.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/04/2015 10:03

COMPLETELY agree about the double standards in the attitudes to SAHD's and SAHM's.

Original poster
AugustaGloop · 02/04/2015 10:35

Ok, so to clarify some points:

  1. I do not want DH to get a job just because I am feeling jealous of his time with the children. I know that would be unreasonable. It is my issue to get a handle on the jealousy.
  1. I am currently happy working full time in my current job. Even if DH went back to work I would not be looking to change job at this stage (my current job is not compatible with part time working so it would be a change in job if I wanted to work part time). What might be feasible is for me to ask for (say) an extra week or two of annual leave a year to take during school holidays. it is something I have been thinking about, but for various reasons now is not the right time to raise that at work.
  1. I get around 40 days annual leave a year (incl public hols). Most years I take it all. As it has worked out this year, other commitments mean I only have 3 days (incl public hols) to take during the Easter holidays. DC have 3 weeks off. During their summer holidays I will take probably 3 weeks off in total (2.5 weeks on hols and the odd day here and there). The DC have nearly 8 weeks off.
  1. The readjustment of chores has been an issue and I raised it on a previous thread. it is improving. I do not want DH to go back to work just because I am doing more chores than I would like - him going back to work will not solve that problem. I would like him to realise that if he is a long term SAHP to older children he needs to see himself a bit more of a "home manager" as someone else put it, but based on the feedback on the previous thread it would not be reasonable for me to be in any way insistent or directive about that and is more something DH needs to decide for himself. I find that a little hard because of the current imbalance in contributions but so be it.
  1. I had seen the jealously issue as a separate issue to the chores. But this thread has made me realise that maybe they are linked, i.e. if I felt our overall contributions were a bit more equal (in whatever form) maybe I would be less jealous of his time with the DCs.
  1. I am not anti-SAHP at all. Nor do I think the rules should be different depending on whether it is the DH or DW who is the SAHP. It is just it is quite new territory for us, so want to understand what is normal and reasonable.
  1. Overall, my main aim in starting this thread was just to understand whether it is normal for a WOHP to feel a bit jealous of the SAHP's time with the DC and whether it would get easier with time. Did not mean it to get bogged down in the whole chore stuff again.
OP posts:
fredfredsausagehead1 · 02/04/2015 11:39

Op you sound like a lovely mum and wife, I would love you as my wife Grin

Lots of women would be a lot more bitter about their dh being at home.

It's natural for you to feel a bit jealous of course, you value time with your dc.

Would it be possible for you to take a day leave so you can go out with your dc? Leave your dh at home doing some chores!

Molichite · 02/04/2015 11:52

YANBU. I think it's natural to feel jealous when your partner has time off and you can't. But I don't really know what the solution is. Maybe ask him to plan some treats for you all on the days you are off, or evening things even on your workdays like pizza, games evening, meals out. Let the DC stay up later than usual so you see a bit more of them.

knittingirl · 02/04/2015 12:11

It's normal to feel a bit jealous I think. I work part time and my husband is a teacher - during the school holidays I really hate going off in the morning leaving dh and the toddler having fun together, but as you said, it's something you have to get your head around and realise that it's wonderful for your kids that they are getting to spend this time with their father instead of with a non-family member.

As an aside regarding the chores, I think that if one parent is a SAHP to school age kids, they should do most of the chores around the house. They have the time while the kids are in school and the other parent is working. It was like that for us growing up (my Mum stayed at home) - my Mum did most of the house work during the week. Sure my Dad helped out with a bit of tidying and ironing at the weekend, but it wouldn't have been fair to expect him to pitch in with significant housework during what should be fun family time together at the weekend, when my Mum could do it during the week.

GnomeDePlume · 02/04/2015 12:49

AugustaGloop I think with the jealousy thing something to discuss with your DH is ensuring that there is time/space/enthusiasm for fun family activities at the weekend.

This means that even if the rest of the family is out and about during the week this shouldnt mean that the normal household management is left to go hang until the weekend when you are home.

Also, by the time the family gets to the weekend the kids shouldnt be 'funned out' to the point where they arent interested in doing fun family activities at the weekend. This means as well not using up all the good stuff in the week so that DCs are saying 'done that' when it comes to Saturday.

This reminds me of the time when we lived abroad. Many of my colleagues were weekly commuters so going home at the weekend. Problem was that many of them would have been going out in the evenings while away for work so by the time they got to the weekends all they wanted was to chill. This did cause a lot of relationship problems. The partner/family was missing out on all of the fun stuff.