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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I should keep engagement ring?

56 replies

moifem · 01/04/2015 10:38

Divorced. I still wear my engagement ring. I find it beautiful and it has nice memories attached. ExH think I should give it back as I have broken the contract (typicult, refusal to acknowledge his share of responsibility...I have to carry all the guilt).
He says that's what usually happens in England. He says we should divide the money of the ring for the kids future. How very generous of him! I think it is one of my personal possession and that I should decide if at some stage I want to put it towards the kids future.
Feeling pissed off!

OP posts:
JustNameChanged · 01/04/2015 10:39

No normally the women keeps it because it was a gift

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2015 10:41

If you were breaking off an engagement I think you should give it back (or buy it which is what I did as I'd had the ring made to my design.)

But after years of marriage? No. It was a 'promise to marry' and you did. It's yours.

sparechange · 01/04/2015 10:42

When you got divorced, was it listed as one of your assets? If so, it's yours...

grannytomine · 01/04/2015 10:42

I think it is normal to give engagement ring back if you don't get married. I'm not sure of the ettiquette if you get divorced, I sold mine to buy stuff for kids and he never asked for it. I don't think he can argue you broke the contract as the contract was to get married and you did. I will be interested in answers but I don't think you abu.

shewept · 01/04/2015 10:42

I think technically you are meant to give it back, if the marriage doesn't occur. But that's entirely based in a friend in the US, its classed as a contract. It may not be the same here. However since the marriage did occur it doesn't matter either way. The contract was fulfilled. YANBU.

Elledouble · 01/04/2015 10:45

YANBU. I never gave mine back after I divorced my ex - I sold it Wink

fatlazymummy · 01/04/2015 10:46

A ring is a gift, not a contract. An engagement isn't a legal contract either.
It's up to you. Some women keep it, some return it, others sell it or put it away for one of their children. I think it partly depends on how well you get on. Sometimes it's better to compromise for the sake of future good relations and co-parenting.

Discounted · 01/04/2015 10:46

For the only divorced person I know who had an engagement ring of significant value, it was treated as an asset of the marriage and dealt with as part of the settlement.

fourteen · 01/04/2015 10:49

It was a gift, it's yours.

Mine got nicked within weeks of breaking up. It was quite fortunate timing really Smile

Original poster
moifem · 01/04/2015 10:49

we did marry and had children together

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/04/2015 10:49

'He says that's what usually happens in England.'

He's full of shit. It's yours. Keep it.

TheCraicDealer · 01/04/2015 10:53

As others have said, it was given as a symbol of the impending marriage. You then got married (i.e., fulfilled your part of the ‘contract’) and it became your personal possession. That’s like someone buying your car for an agreed sum and then you asking for it back after they crash it.

Are you going to demand all the Christmas and birthday presents you gave him during the course of the marriage? If you can’t remember what you gave him I’d sent him an invoice for (£50 x 2) x how many years you were married. Maybe he’ll see how ridiculous he’s being.

FryOneFatManic · 01/04/2015 10:54

I googled and found this:

^"The Law Reform (Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 1970 provides the answer and it is actually relatively straight forward. This legislation states that:

The gift of an engagement ring shall be presumed to be an absolute gift; this presumption may be rebutted by proving that the ring was given on the condition, express or implied, that it should be returned if the marriage did not take place for any reason.

Basically, although it can seem unfair, this means that unless there was an agreement to return the engagement ring if the wedding was cancelled then the recipient is under no obligation to return the ring. The courts will generally say there was an implied intention that the ring would be returned if it had particular sentimental value to the person who proposed, for example if it was a family heirloom."^

And as the marriage took place then that just confirms the ring belongs to the OP.

TheFecklessFairy · 01/04/2015 10:56

It's NOT a gift - it is a 'promise of marriage'. If the marriage does not take place, then the ring goes back to the original giver. In this case the marriage DID take place, so it remains with the receiver.

FryOneFatManic · 01/04/2015 11:00

Feckless I quoted from the Law Reform (Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 1970, which states it's a gift unless otherwise agreed so no, the ring is not always given back to the giver.

TTTatty · 01/04/2015 11:00

It is a gift under UK law.
In USA it is a contract to marry and should be returned.

PunkrockerGirl · 01/04/2015 11:00

He's trying it on. The ring is yours to keep. Ignore him.

angelos02 · 01/04/2015 11:01

Everything FecklessFairy said.

Purplepixiedust · 01/04/2015 11:02

I thought etiquete was to give it back if a family heirloom. If not keep it.

Discounted · 01/04/2015 11:02

Yes, anyone who thinks it's a contract and returnable if the contract isn't fulfilled has been watching too much American TV!

angelos02 · 01/04/2015 11:02

FryOne I think it would be the decent thing to do to give the ring back if the wedding didn't take place. Regardless of what the law says. AFAIK this is the legal case in the US. I have given engagement rings back - twice.

AuntieStella · 01/04/2015 11:08

As the marriage took place, then no you don't have to give it back.

(If an engagement is broken off, then I'd say the wearer should offer to return it in the expectation the donor will say 'keep it', but actually being ready to hand it over if they say 'thanks'. It would be far too complex to try to sort out whether and how far conditional a gift it was).

Unless ring is a sentimental heirloom. In which case, I think it should always go back to original family, even when there is no actual obligation.

TheCraicDealer · 01/04/2015 11:08

I would agree angelos. Unless there's been masses of cuntery on the part of the ring-giver or a discussion between the two parties and both happy for the receiver to keep it.

MarwoodsMate · 01/04/2015 11:11

As PPs have already said, you didn't break the contract as you did get married. It's yours!

championnibbler · 01/04/2015 11:17

No - you do not give the ring back.
he's just chancing his mitt - the wanker.