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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is verbal abuse of a child

70 replies

catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 10:47

STBXH never phones, texts, skypes or writes to the children.

I instigate any visits, but he hasn't seen the kids in months.

He left us nearly 3 years ago.

------------------
STBXH had mentioned in passing that DD might like to meet some of his group of friends when she next came up.

On FB STBXH had been tagged by one of his friends in a photo of his granddad ( so it came up on DD FB).

DD replied “yes he does look like his granddad.”

Friend “I’m so looking forward to meeting you all”

DD “ I’m sorry, who is this?”

Friend “I’m T*, your dad’s girlfriend”

FIRST thing DD knew about it.This is STBXH first relationship since he left us, so quite a "big" thing for DD.

DD then rang STBXH (I was listening in)

She was cross and asked him to explain why she had to find out about his GF via Facebook.

STBXH just lost it, INSTATLY

Whilst she was trying to get a word in edgeways

STBXH :

“DD You are demining yourself to act so dim”

“You KNEW I had a GF, I’d updated my FB status to ’in a relationship’” (DD hadn't seen this)

“If YOU bothered to keep in touch with ME you would KNOW already”

“Well do YOU A boyfriend, I don’t know DO I!”

“I do not love or respect you”

DD then called him an "arsehole", STBXH " So are you!" and he put the phone down.

There was not ONE word of apology. No “I’m sorry you are upset “, “I’m Sorry you found out this way” nothing. He did nothing to try and calm her down.

She was so, so upset. Really distressed.

AIBU to stop any further visits until his anger can be addressed?
Is this verbal abuse of a child ?

And,no, there won’t be any more phone calls until I can be assured he will act as an adult.

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 30/03/2015 10:49

How old is DD?

That is shocking. I'd make no effort to get in touch. Block all numbers and emails and make him go through court if he wants to see her. Truly vile behaviour that no child should be subjected to. You need to protect her from it and show her it is wrong.

flora717 · 30/03/2015 10:50

How old are they both? This was a ridiculous conversation from both sides.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 10:53

DD is 14

STBXH is 49

and Flora A ridiculous converstion from BOTH side ?? really ??

I know she should not have sworn at him but hed just said he didnt love her !

OP posts:
JuliaDream · 30/03/2015 10:56

She's old enough to decide if she wants to see him again or not.

He does sound like an arsehole.

BoobooChild · 30/03/2015 10:56

He shouldn't have said he loves her and he shouldn't expect his daughter to know his relationship status from his Facebook page! He sounds like a petulant teen, not a near 50 year old. I have to say it really does sound like you're all better off without him!

Dawndonnaagain · 30/03/2015 10:56

flora a teenager is hurt and scared, no she shouldn't have sworn, but she was distressed. We've all done it. Her father is supposedly the adult here so should have behaved as such.

BoobooChild · 30/03/2015 10:57

Sorry that should say 'shouldn't have said he doesn't love her'!!

AlfAlf · 30/03/2015 10:58

Your poor dd. What a fucker he is Angry
I think telling your child you don't love or respect her is emotionally abusive.

How is dd now?

BoobooChild · 30/03/2015 10:58

I don't think you should stop your dd visiting if she wants to, but I'd be surprised if she wanted to visit him.

CookPassBabtrigde · 30/03/2015 11:00

“If YOU bothered to keep in touch with ME you would KNOW already”
“I do not love or respect you”
My jaw dropped at this. Has he forgotton who is the parent? He's supposed to make the effort, not expect it the other way round.
She may have been cross but it's hardly surprising given his lack of interest and respect for her. Any child would feel put out by something like this.
I wouldn't let him visit or contact her until he decides to apologise for his appalling attitude towards her. I doubt she'll want to see him at the minute anyway?

pictish · 30/03/2015 11:00

First off, and let me get this straight....your ex was an absolute idiot to his daughter. What a vicious man!

But in the interests of being honest, I don't think your dd was right to call him up all accusatory like she did. They don't see much of each other so it's not the sort of thing he's going to run by her. I think your dd used the gf as an excuse to vent her spleen at his shiteness as a father, which is understandable...but it was never going to get a good response.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 11:00

I am just shocked at how quickly he "went" for her.

there was no build up, no provocation.

He was with Gf whilst he was on the phone to DD so I'd LOVE to know what she thought of his treatment of his DD. it would be a MASIVE red flag

OP posts:
FromthePinkGlitterySide · 30/03/2015 11:01

I really feel for your dd. My dad was very similar to this, I tried to explain how I felt and how much he hurt me and he would never accept it was anything to do with him. How does dd feel about being in contact with him? I went nc for 3 years, was nice to not have to think about it tbh.
I did get back in to contact and was very supportive when he died last year but if I'm really honest with myself, he didn't really give a shit about me even then. Some people are just shits. Just a shame your dd has to have her father be one.

BarbarianMum · 30/03/2015 11:01

“I do not love or respect you”

^^ that's a cruel thing to say. She was pretty childish to phone him in a snit and demand an explanation but 14 year olds can be very childish.

I suspect part of the problem is that your dd wants to be treated more as an adult but isn't really able to reciprocate. The other (bigger) part of the problem is that her dad has a temper and is not afraid to use it Sad.

DaygloYellowLady · 30/03/2015 11:01

Poor DD , I'd feel pretty knocked about if that was said to me by any one, if it was my dad I'd be devastated.

pictish · 30/03/2015 11:01

Anyway, sadly now she knows what sort of a 'man' her dad is. The way he spoke to her was inexcusable. Poor girl. Lots of cuddles.

Branleuse · 30/03/2015 11:02

wow, your ex is an arsehole. I wouldn't make her see him ever again

Original poster
catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 11:03

I dont think DD did use the GF as an "excuse" to have a go at him.

she was cross ( understandably) but she just wanted an explanation.

Shes still a child, it a big deal for her.

He wants to play the "perfect father" and its never,NEVER his fault for anyting

OP posts:
JuliaDream · 30/03/2015 11:06

He's not doing a very good job of playing the perfect father.

Tell your DD none of this is her fault.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 11:08

And he was like this just a little while ago

( If Id suspected for an instant he'd be like it again Id have stopped DD phoning)

I was going on line to process passports for DD to go on a school trip.

For the online forms I needed Grandparents DOB and marriage date.

DD rang STBXH to ask for the details (he will not speak to me)

As soon as she had said she was going abroad he just “went” for her. Shouting.

“When are you going abroad?”

“I don’t have to GIVE permission”

“Why don’t I know “

“You should KNOW you grandparents’ birthdays, If YOU bothered to SPEAK to your Nana!”

He refused to give the details and as far as he knew was thus preventing DD from going on her school trip.

I was able to fill out the paper based form as it didn’t need grandparents’ details.

OP posts:
CookPassBabtrigde · 30/03/2015 11:08

Did he know you could hear the conversation OP?
I wonder if he's talked to her that way before when you're not there.
It might not have been the best idea to ring him, but she's 14. 14 year olds tend to react quickly to things, shes just a child.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 11:09

I know she phoned in a temper but the ADULT should have kept his temper, whatever his feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 11:11

He wasnt aware I was listening in.

I do worry he has done this before Sad

OP posts:
JuliaDream · 30/03/2015 11:12

He should have calmed her down and reassured her. Not go off on one.

Act like an arsehole and you are going to get called on it.

Branleuse · 30/03/2015 11:13

he sounds like my narcissistic father

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