to think this is verbal abuse of a child

[catfourfeet]

STBXH never phones, texts, skypes or writes to the children.

I instigate any visits, but he hasn't seen the kids in months.

He left us nearly 3 years ago.

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STBXH had mentioned in passing that DD might like to meet some of his group of friends when she next came up.

On FB STBXH had been tagged by one of his friends in a photo of his granddad ( so it came up on DD FB).

DD replied “yes he does look like his granddad.”

Friend “I’m so looking forward to meeting you all”

DD “ I’m sorry, who is this?”

Friend “I’m T*, your dad’s girlfriend”

FIRST thing DD knew about it.This is STBXH first relationship since he left us, so quite a "big" thing for DD.

DD then rang STBXH (I was listening in)

She was cross and asked him to explain why she had to find out about his GF via Facebook.

STBXH just lost it, INSTATLY

Whilst she was trying to get a word in edgeways

STBXH :

“DD You are demining yourself to act so dim”

“You KNEW I had a GF, I’d updated my FB status to ’in a relationship’” (DD hadn't seen this)

“If YOU bothered to keep in touch with ME you would KNOW already”

“Well do YOU A boyfriend, I don’t know DO I!”

“I do not love or respect you”

DD then called him an "arsehole", STBXH " So are you!" and he put the phone down.

There was not ONE word of apology. No “I’m sorry you are upset “, “I’m Sorry you found out this way” nothing. He did nothing to try and calm her down.

She was so, so upset. Really distressed.

AIBU to stop any further visits until his anger can be addressed?
Is this verbal abuse of a child ?

And,no, there won’t be any more phone calls until I can be assured he will act as an adult.

There is space between banning contact yourself and leaving the decision entirely up to her.

Your ex was out of order to speak to your dd like that, but...

clearly your ex hasn't been keeping his gf a secret if he's put it on fb, and while I'm not generally in favour of people finding out about relationships on fb, equally I think your dd was in the wrong to make such a confrontational phone call and to make demands about how she should (or shouldn't) have been told, esp as they don't see each other often.

And at fourteen I don't agree that children should be pre-warned necessarily if their parent has a new bf/gf, she's not a baby any more who needs to have the softly softly approach to introductions, children know what it's about at this age, so I don't actually think that if they'd found out about the gf this weekend it would really have been that big a deal, and IMO what would have happened at the weekend is entirely separate from the phone call between your ex and dd.

And at fourteen I wouldn't be telling her that she can/can't call/see him. While children are often upset by their parents' actions/reactions they do still maintain some loyalty towards them. If you start putting your foot down then your dd will likely speak to her dad anyway but it will happen without your knowledge or support, and when things do go wrong she will feel unable to tell you because you've told her what she should do...

It's hard not to take a hard-line approach, but the more supportive you are, without badmouthing her dad to her, the more she will learn to make her own choices in time.

no worries about the "absent hero" hes fucked up soooooo many other times ( but not this type of abuse) that shes just sick of him.

She only agreed to this visit as its the only way her younger brothers can get to see him. he has memory problems that he refuses to address and without DD there the younger DC are not safe.

I also surprised and a little horrified that some posters are saying the OPs daughter was in any way to blame and her father had no responsibility to tell her he had a new GF.

I think this is appalling behaviour on the part of the father. He is meant to be the mature adult, the daughter is a 14 year old adolescent. Can any of you remember what a confusing, turbulent time it is to be a young teenager, let alone one with a verbally abusive father who tells you he doesn't love or respect you when challenged?

OP, you say your STBXH was also physically violent. I would be very worried about your daughter staying with him tbh.

Teenagers are commonly known for being moody, snippy and cheeky. If her father cannot control himself when she, quite rightly, questions why he hasn't told her he has a GF whom he is planning to introduce her to, how will he respond if she challenges him in other areas?

I would be very very wary tbh.

Otherwise I completely agree with noblegiraffe. Let your DD know she doesn't need to put up with her father's behaviour and it is up to her if and when she wishes to contact or receive contact from him again.

But if she goes to stay with him I would stay in frequent contact OP and let DD know she can call you to collect her at any time day or night if she feels intimidated or threatened.

I thought he'd "saved" his aggression just for me before this

Unfortunately it is very common that a violent man often turns to his daughters/other women he has access to when his original victim is no longer available to him. You arent there anymore, he cant abuse you, but because he is an abuser he will find someone else to do it to, your DD is very vulnerable right now and i would be very observant of how he interacts with her. I would also adopt a zero tolerance policy on her behalf because she is 14, not 18 and needs protected.

My father was like this. It got worse as I got older and he lost his control over me.

I've not been in contact with him since I was 18.

It was always on his terms and always about his feelings. At 14 my dad would try to make me responsible for his feelings and that was unfair - your Ex is doing the same.

Please let her see what he is like and make her own decision about their relationship. Just be there for her as she will need a strong positive relationship with her mum.

Poor little mite - she is acting like a 14 year old - she doesn't need her dad behaving like a teenager too. At least she can blame teenage hormones, what's his excuse? Give her a hug from me, I can imagine it won't get easier as she gets older unfortunately.

He has been just SHIT at being a father sine he left.

He will play it that I have "kept the children" from him.
( does this sound familiar to single parents with absent fathers )

when in reality his compete refusal to acknowledge that he has Mental heath issues that affect his ability to safely care for the younger ones means I CANT let them visit unsupervised.

Yet, I am to blame because that fits HIS view of being the prefect Dad.

He is NEVER to blame, even now when how DD found out about GF upset DD, He wasn't wrong DD was.

Thegirl :

You have a good point there, he is losing control of her, he still tries to treat her as though she is still 10 ( the age she was when he had his mental health break down)

Shes just meant to fit into his version of his life and play the sweet daughter who loves to come and visit. SO when she questions his view in any way he just cant handle it. therefore DD is WRONG.

He lives in a "bubble" he's a single man, no worries, friends, hobbies lots of free time etc and his DC ? well they just don't enter his mind.

Yep, I have been accused of turning children against him.

It couldn't possibly be about his own behaviour and actions. I agree about the responsible for his feelings comment TheGirl said. My ex used to say oh I miss you so much, I am so unhappy without you. Well why vanish for years, and when you ever did speak to them be an utter arse. Maybe he didn't have to tell your DD about his GF, but it would be courtesy to tell her before announcing it on FB. But I guess he was too much of a coward to actually tell her in person. And now she has called him on it he chucks the rattle out of the pram. Sounds like a guilty conscience to me. Has this new GF been around longer than you think?

I don't know how long the Gf has been around, not my business really.

STBXH has not mentioned her to the DCs

but he was planning on the DCs meeting her, I think them KNOWING about hew beforehand would have been ( at the least) polite.

youngest DC still has the tiny bit of hope that "daddy" will come home one day when he is "better".

Though i have gently said that it isn't going to happen and that "daddy doesn't want to live with mummy anymore" he still hangs on to a shred of hope.

How would he feel when presented with new GF without warning? DS is 10.

STBXH seems to equate DD "finding out" over FB as him "telling her."

he was to much of a coward to speak to her directly and then blamed her

Oh dear op get boy to family counciling quick very damaging do not eganage with concat any more leave it to dd to make contact and tell your ex if he dares to speak to ds gain like that your rip his fucking head off

I totally feel you pain op my ex is the same apart from he went to jail told ds he was woring abroad of course it all came out and ds felt lied to but it was all my fault

I'm 'keeping ds from his father'. Has nothing whatsoever with the fact that his father never contacts him, rarely see's him, never told him that he was getting married (didn't tell him about his girlfriend either), didn't tell ds that they were having a baby. Nothing to do with the fact that he swore and yelled in ds's face the last time he visited either (ds used to see him for an hour every 18 months)

You can't win with people like this. What you can do is teach your daughter about self worth. Teach her that she gets to decide who she spends time with, she wouldn't spend time with the school bully.

I can't believe that an adult old enough to have a teenage daughter would think that changing his FB status was an appropriate way of letting his daughter know he was in his first relationship since splitting with her mother.

DD did say

"If he wasnt my Dad I wouldnt want to see him"

I said that

"someone being your dad,brother, mum, son doesn't give them the right to hurt you. In fact they should be the ones to NOT hurt you "

Keep telling her that, cat. Contact is always for the child's benefit, and if all she's getting is upset and grief then it's not in her best interests to continue.

I remember the back story. It all sounds awful and I can't believe he said that. I would just keep them away from him.

It was really crappy for DD to find out like that. I've been there , trying to support a teen who finds out important things about an absent us tents life via FB and feels utterly worthless. It is so hard for you and your DD.
She is probably conflicted, loving her father and hating him for what he is ding to her. All I can advise is to be there so she can talk if she wants to.

Anyone who lives with a teen can be driven to distraction but to say he does not love her is vile. There is no excuse for it. He is pushing her away and one day she will probably have enough and redefine the relationship on her terms and it wool be his loss.

If she wNts to see him, I would let her. At the same time if make sure she has an "escape clause" if he starts going off on her. And I'd separate out the issues she has with her father and those around her DBs and his MH issues.

Wonder if the new GF was giving him hassle about not telling the kids about her? May explain the immediate defensiveness.

He seems like a scary knob. I don't have any experience in situations like this, but it sounds like discouraging her from seeing him for the foreseeable is the right way to go.