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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is verbal abuse of a child

70 replies

catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 10:47

STBXH never phones, texts, skypes or writes to the children.

I instigate any visits, but he hasn't seen the kids in months.

He left us nearly 3 years ago.

------------------
STBXH had mentioned in passing that DD might like to meet some of his group of friends when she next came up.

On FB STBXH had been tagged by one of his friends in a photo of his granddad ( so it came up on DD FB).

DD replied “yes he does look like his granddad.”

Friend “I’m so looking forward to meeting you all”

DD “ I’m sorry, who is this?”

Friend “I’m T*, your dad’s girlfriend”

FIRST thing DD knew about it.This is STBXH first relationship since he left us, so quite a "big" thing for DD.

DD then rang STBXH (I was listening in)

She was cross and asked him to explain why she had to find out about his GF via Facebook.

STBXH just lost it, INSTATLY

Whilst she was trying to get a word in edgeways

STBXH :

“DD You are demining yourself to act so dim”

“You KNEW I had a GF, I’d updated my FB status to ’in a relationship’” (DD hadn't seen this)

“If YOU bothered to keep in touch with ME you would KNOW already”

“Well do YOU A boyfriend, I don’t know DO I!”

“I do not love or respect you”

DD then called him an "arsehole", STBXH " So are you!" and he put the phone down.

There was not ONE word of apology. No “I’m sorry you are upset “, “I’m Sorry you found out this way” nothing. He did nothing to try and calm her down.

She was so, so upset. Really distressed.

AIBU to stop any further visits until his anger can be addressed?
Is this verbal abuse of a child ?

And,no, there won’t be any more phone calls until I can be assured he will act as an adult.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 30/03/2015 11:14

they hate it when their daughters start growing up

noblegiraffe · 30/03/2015 11:14

Now is the time to give your DD an important piece of advice and that is 'you don't have to let people treat you badly'.

Tell your DD that how he spoke to her was completely unacceptable and she would be perfectly within her rights to cut contact, or to refuse to speak to him again until he apologises and put him on a final warning.

If his behaviour is minimised in any way or she is encouraged to let him off because 'he's her dad' then this will be setting a blueprint for her future relationships.

pictish · 30/03/2015 11:15

Not to be pedantic...but on the subject of having a gf, I don't think he owed her an explanation quite. It might have been prudent for him to make her aware, but he didn't hide it either. I don't quite understand why she was angry to find out about it on facebook, seeing as contact is so scant. Who he sees isn't down to her and they don't have much to do with each other anyway.

I think 'excuse' was the wrong word. I meant that owing to his general shiteness, she was already pissed off about him and this tipped the scales.

I hope he's proud of himself after that outburst. And the girlfriend was there? If he's not single now after her hearing all that, there's a lot of fuckuppery going on there and your dd is almost certainly better off out of it. Utter prick.

CookPassBabtrigde · 30/03/2015 11:17

We'll he sounds like an absolute nasty little cowardly bully to speak to a child like that.
I hope your dd is ok. I think she's probably better off without him, it won't do her self esteem any good to have a parent speak to her like that, it's not the same as being told off, it was totally uncalled for. I'm sure you're giving her lots of support, just make sure she knows what he did was bang out of order.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 11:18

He doesnt owe her an explanation as to his GF , but i think Ahead of MEETING her for the first time a bit of a "heads up" would be ( at the least) polite.

If he wasn't planning on them meeting then its none of DD business.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 30/03/2015 11:19

I don't think it's right that you were stood there listening in whilst your teenage daughter gave her father the third degree in his relationship status.

I would have diffused the situation beforehand. You said they hardly have anything to do with each other so why would he think she should be told?

Yes he was unreasonable but IMO surely you know him enough by now to predict his response was going to be unpleasant.

Cherryapple1 · 30/03/2015 11:19

I think he sounds horrid. It's all about him isn't it. My ex treated my DC in a similar way at the same age. Few years on - he doesn't see his children and I can't see it changing any time soon.

I hope your DD is ok today.

Quitelikely · 30/03/2015 11:20

By diffused I mean I would have discouraged her from calling. To save her from him.

JuliaDream · 30/03/2015 11:21

I think her finding out on FB was pretty shitty TBH. Especially if her dad was planning on her meeting the GF.

Updating his FB to 'in a relationship' wasn't really the right way to tell his DD he had a GF.

He's an adult not a 16 year old.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 11:21

I am telling her that NONE of it was her fault.

no one , not child or adult deserves to be spoken to in that way.

Its like a switch is flipped, he just TURNS.

He was violent to me before he left, I worry what he is capable of.

I thought he'd "saved" his aggression just for me before this Sad

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 30/03/2015 11:22

I think there was fault on both sides. a child shouldn't be speaking to an adult like your DD was but your EX shouldn't have spoken to his DD like he did. your ex's new relationship is nothing to do with your DD - he can see who he wants when he wants - she has no right to question him about it.

CookPassBabtrigde · 30/03/2015 11:25

I think it's probably a good thing that OP could hear the call as at least now she knows the vile way her ex speaks to his daughter.
And she shouldn't have to find out via the new gf on facebook, if it's serious and her dd will meet the woman at some point her dad should have the balls to tell her himself.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 11:25

She does have a right to question him about it if shes going to MEET the GF.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/03/2015 11:25

I think he sounds like an utter twat

But stopping a 14yr old from phoning or visiting her father, will no doubt cause more problems/resentment than it solves.

Leave the contact up to her and just be there to comfort her if they have any more rows.

DaygloYellowLady · 30/03/2015 11:26

In the next 10 years DD and her dad's relationship is going to change massively with balance of power falling more and more to her. He's not really laying the ground work for a good adult relationship with her, is he. Look after DD, support her through this and say nothing derogatory about him, just know this is one of those cases where what goes around very definitely come around.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 11:28

I just worry that if she visits him and they get into an argument he'll really lose it. He CANT be wrong,

And I will be to blame because I KNEW what he was like .

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/03/2015 11:30

You're forgetting that your 14 year old also knows what he's like. I can't think why anyone would blame you.

I really would leave the contact to her.

Cherryapple1 · 30/03/2015 11:33

If he was physically abusive to you I would worry about her spending any time with him tbh.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 30/03/2015 11:46

He sounds just like my mother. She used to insinuate I was stupid, say hurtful things like your ex did. Now I don't speak to her.

If he had any intention of introducing his gf to his daughter, he seriously needed to be more mature than f-ing Facebook. She is still a child, surprising her with a new woman in his life, especially when he barely contacts anyway, isn't going to go down well.

Again, my mother once introduced me to a 'male friend', who came around to check on an appliance that wasn't working. Next thing I knew, the wine was out and I obviously wasn't 'welcome' anymore. Had to listen to them all evening, she couldn't even have the decency to say 'I'm seeing a guy, I'll introduce him properly'. I ended up resenting him for the next two years, even though it was my mother who couldn't be adult about it in the first place.

Teens are hard, anything can upset them. However, in this case, I'm totally on your daughter's side. He had no compassion for her or her feelings. He said things that will most likely stick with her, you tell your child 'I don't love you or respect you', it doesn't go away. I'm sorry he's such a knob Sad.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 11:49

The children were due to go for a visit over the Easter weekend.
( that I arranged of course)
all.
so , without all of this, they would all have met his GF without ANY warning at all. pretty shitty I think

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 30/03/2015 11:51

It takes enough support from MN to get an adult woman to leave an abusive relationship, I am surprised at the posters suggesting that a 14 year old girl should simply be left to make that decision herself.

Icimoi · 30/03/2015 11:56

Have you cancelled the Easter visit? I really don't see why DD should have to see a parent who neither loves nor respects her and thinks it's absolutely fine for her to discover he has a new girlfriend via Facebook.

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2015 11:57

noblegiraffe, my point is that if the OP bans her from seeing her father, there is a very great risk of him becoming an 'absent hero'...and the DD growing up to resent the wrong person - ie her mother.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 30/03/2015 11:58

I am not letting DD make her own decisions

I quote

"DD I am going to make the decision now, I am going to be the adult, you are not going to see STBXH"

she wanted to go to see him but only if she could take her ( rather fiesty) friend with her in case he "started" and that her friend "would stand up for her" Sad Sad

bloody hell she wants to ( effectively) take "protection" with her

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 30/03/2015 12:01

I am just shocked at how quickly he "went" for her.

He went for her so quickly because he was expecting it. He knew he should have told her and his GF probably questioned him as to why his DD didnt know who she was on FB so he had already prepared himself for the row and planned what he would say to make himself look blame free.

He is an arsehole. Your DD is right. Poor girl.