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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want try whatever it takes to have a baby?

57 replies

icy121 · 27/03/2015 23:50

My OH is significantly older than I a, (I'm 27 he's 46). He has 2 kids fro, ex marriage, DSDs 9 & 7. We have been together for coming up to 6 years and ttc for 16 months. I've been diagnosed with pcos and taking clomid (done fuck all).

The thought of never being a mum makes me feel awful. Horrific. But he says it's not fair for me to want to try indefinitely - both from his perspective and the potential baby's - it's not fair to expect an old man to have an infant and it's not fair to foist an old man on an infant.

Because he's had 2 kids, and I've got the pcos, he doesn't see the need to get checked out. I want him to, but I'm not going to force him to, as I think forcing him to would further damage a relationship which risks being torn to shreds by infertility.

When we started out we discussed ivf etc and I said I wouldn't make him do that. He's really opposed to it, doesn't really understand the process but knows he doesn't want to do it. AIBU in wanting to proceed anyway, railroading over his feelings towards it, being selfish in trying to be a mother when any child wouldn't have a normal set of parents? I can't think about anything else, I haven't since the day I came off the pill. Should I agree an age for him, and if so what should that age be! He's uncomfortable with anything over 45. That ship has sailed, so I don't know where to go now.

OP posts:
DoJo · 27/03/2015 23:54

He sounds very unsympathetic to your feelings, but if he doesn't really want more kids, there's not much you can do about it. Do you want to be with him more than you want children?

DoJo · 27/03/2015 23:57

Sorry - managed to delete the first half of my post! Which was:

AIBU in wanting to proceed anyway, railroading over his feelings towards it

Do you mean have IVF using donor sperm as a single parent? Or trying to 'force' him into going along with the process. Neither seem like a good idea, and as much as I can understand how frustrated you are, this doesn't seem like a realistic solution.

mindthegap79 · 27/03/2015 23:57

Oh dear, no answer I'm afraid. What a situation. I know the feeling of it taking a long time. It's so hard Flowers

I think you need to have a cards on the table type conversation with him tbh. Ultimately, do you want the same things? If he won't get checked and is talking about age cut offs etc, then I'm sorry to say that it sounds like maybe you don't.

You are young. You have plenty of time. Hope everything works out for you.

PurdeyPie · 28/03/2015 00:00

I would leave him and find someone else to settle down with. 46 is not old for a man to be expanding his family and so I suspect he simply is not committed. Someone more your own age will be willing and happy to travel the subfertilty road with you. Good luck.

LadyGregory · 28/03/2015 00:09

Unfortunately, OP, you want different things. If you really want a child, you're going to have to decide whether you want that more than this relationship. The good is that at 27 time is on your side. Be honest with yourself - wouldn't it be nice to ttc with someone who wanted a baby as much as you do, rather than someone dragging his feet?

FatSwan · 28/03/2015 00:11

I can completely empathise with your feelings. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother, and the thought of it never happening would have been devastating to me.

That said, it doesn't sound like he wants it. I think that's a deal breaker for your relationship.

AlpacaMyBags · 28/03/2015 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoisonPension · 28/03/2015 00:19

You are young, find a younger baggage free Man who wants children and respects you.

honeyroar · 28/03/2015 00:24

I'm 45. I couldn't have children and would have loved them, but I honestly do feel too old to start with a baby now, so I can see it from his side and yours! If he really feels that way and you really want a baby then it's perhaps the end of the line. It's an example of the age difference perhaps. On the positive side you're young enough to move on, recover and still be a mother.

TendonQueen · 28/03/2015 00:28

Yes, sadly I think this is a deal breaker. You each see things very differently. Fairer to you both to look for partners who are on the same page as you.

NeedABumChange · 28/03/2015 00:29

Are you actually with him because you love him or just desperate for a baby and he is the nearest man? You sound a bit possessed tbh. Also sound ridiculously unreasonable to try so hard for a baby that you are going beyond what your partner agrees to. He has a point. He's getting on, maybe give it a couple more years?

ScathingContempt · 28/03/2015 00:36

I think he's being pretty selfish. He's had his children, but he would deny you the same experience?

My partner is 42. She has older teen children & didn't want any more. I made it clear early on that it was important that I had my own child. It took several years and several thousand pounds but I finally had one. She said that although it was never her plan to have another child, she couldn't deny me the opportunity to become a mother.

I think you need to decide if he's worth the possibility of not having a child. Which is more important to you in the long run?

Original poster
icy121 · 28/03/2015 00:41

I've been with him for nearly 6 years. We have been ttc for 16 months. I don't really think it's a "desperate and he's the nearest man" scenario, tbh..?!

I love him to pieces and hate to imagine a life without him. It would be shit.

But the idea of never being a mother is shit too. I guess keep on plugging away, see what my doc can offer me which won't impact him and hope for the best. He gets cross and says he's had 2 kids so must be fertile bit that was7 years ago, and he's slightly overweight and probably drinks too much, which would affect sperm. I can't blame him though, it's obviously my body.. Anyone who's cycles range from 31-44 days and no 2 months are the same is a fuckup.

Just a shit situation. We fought tonight about it and he said I'm selfish (true) and the only reason he's trying is to make me happy. I'm very lucky to have someone like that.

Fucking infertility is a cunt. Sorry. But it is.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 28/03/2015 00:42

This is the ultimate dealbreaker.

You need to decide what is more important. Some would be happy to sacrifice children to stay in an otherwise good relationship. To others the chance to have a child is more important. Both are equally valid points of view.

I suspect you fall into the latter camp and you need to decide whether you will stay with him or not, knowing it will not end in your having a baby.

I cant help wondering if he has actually had a vasectomy and thats why he doesnt want to get checked and wont consider IVF as this would soon come out.

FlumptyDumpty · 28/03/2015 00:54

OP, he could easily have a problem that has arisen since he had his two DCs, eg anti-sperm antibodies. He should be checked out if he is serious about ttc. Is there any possibility he is too embarrassed to go the Drs and explain the problems, do all the investigations etc? They can be incredibly sensitive about these things. He may be coming up with excuses both to you and himself.

I agree with other posters that unless he is willing to go the whole nine yards to try and conceive with you/ he truly feels too old to have another baby you need to think long and hard about whether you are prepared to sacrifice being a mother to stay with him. At your age, you have lots of time on your side to find a new partner and try again. While PCOS doesn't always respond to Clomid it does tend to respond incredibly well to IVF. You will have as much chance with IVF as any other woman your age. And at your age and for some years to come your chances will be really good! Best of luck.

adora1985 · 28/03/2015 01:21

If he isn't willing to be checked out and is this against having more children then you need to think about what's the most important to you-the man you say you love, who already has children and doesn't seem to want more, or the chance to have biological children of your own and potentially with someone else.
For me it would be a deal breaker, I couldn't be with someone who wasn't willing to do whatever they could to have a family with me, and children are something I definitely want in my life, so if my partner was acting like yours I'd have to have a very honest conversation about what the future looked like for us as a couple.

TowerRavenSeven · 28/03/2015 02:40

Did you talk about this before you got married? Did he want kids with you then? I can't believe no one brought this up yet. I think your answer is needed before I say that you are bu or not.

paxtecum · 28/03/2015 03:18

I don't think he actually wants a baby at all.

I think 'Needabumchange' is BU.

Maybe this would be better in Relationships.
You would get fewer snippy replies.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/03/2015 03:30

I agree with PPs. He really doesn't want another child. And he's not brave enough or man enough to face you and say it. Unfortunately, he'll probably be a shit father if you do become pregnant. And none of that 'Oh, he'll love the baby when it arrives'. I wouldn't want to wager money on those odds.

Ask him point blank if he truly wants a child himself and not just to placate you. Because you'll be looking at a lifetime of doing 100% of child related chores and activities, and you'll be doing them alone. And there will a huge load of resentment on both sides; on yours when he doesn't carry his share of the weight, and on his when the child takes up your time and effort.

I think you seriously need to decide whether you want the man OR the child. Faced with that decision I chose to leave a man who didn't want children and I found one that did.

tiggy2610 · 28/03/2015 03:59

Such a tough one OP, having hone through 4 years of infertility treatments myself and IVF at 26 I completely agree that infertility is an absolute cunt. Its utterly soul destroying enough when both partners are on the same page, never mind when you seem to be fighting this one alone. Ultimately if your DP isn't willing to get tested and be intimate with a cup IVF just isn't a option, unless your thinking about donor sperm? Another sticking point would be the financial implications of having IVF as he already has children. I agree with PPs, a very difficult and frank conversation needs to be had. You're younger than him (my age coincidently) and if you stay with him and stop your quest for a child will you end up resenting him in later life? Would it end up destroying the relationship anyway? Would the story be different if he was the same age but didn't have children?

Sorry your having to go through this OP and there is nothing worse than hearing the old chestnut of "....you're young, you have plenty of time!" thrown your way. When you're told you're facing infertility the only thing time is going to do is make things harder, not magically cure the reproductive system...

TheSingingMonkey · 28/03/2015 06:25

I don't think he wants another child.

PrettyLittleMitty · 28/03/2015 07:37

Sorry op but it really doesn't sound like he wants another child. Trying to force or push him into it will only damage your relationship. IVF is extremely stressful and both parties really need to be on board , it's not something one should just go along with. You need to work out which is more important to you in the long run, a child or your relationship?

hels71 · 28/03/2015 08:38

Dh was 50 when our dd was born.....an ivf baby. Not got any advice but sending sympathy. Infertility sucks.

TheSingingMonkey · 28/03/2015 08:43

I do think you may have to choose between having a child and your relationship. He isn't committed to the idea as you are.

Claireshh · 28/03/2015 08:45

Have you heard about Metformin? I was prescribed that for PCOS. I conceived very quickly using it and had been trying for a long time.

I also followed the Deanna plan(Google for details) and used a fertility monitor. It really really worked.

I didn't have the relationship side of things to contend with but I remember well the yearning for a baby. I never thought it would happen. I hope your dream comes true. X

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