To want try whatever it takes to have a baby?

[icy121]

My OH is significantly older than I a, (I'm 27 he's 46). He has 2 kids fro, ex marriage, DSDs 9 & 7. We have been together for coming up to 6 years and ttc for 16 months. I've been diagnosed with pcos and taking clomid (done fuck all).

The thought of never being a mum makes me feel awful. Horrific. But he says it's not fair for me to want to try indefinitely - both from his perspective and the potential baby's - it's not fair to expect an old man to have an infant and it's not fair to foist an old man on an infant.

Because he's had 2 kids, and I've got the pcos, he doesn't see the need to get checked out. I want him to, but I'm not going to force him to, as I think forcing him to would further damage a relationship which risks being torn to shreds by infertility.

When we started out we discussed ivf etc and I said I wouldn't make him do that. He's really opposed to it, doesn't really understand the process but knows he doesn't want to do it. AIBU in wanting to proceed anyway, railroading over his feelings towards it, being selfish in trying to be a mother when any child wouldn't have a normal set of parents? I can't think about anything else, I haven't since the day I came off the pill. Should I agree an age for him, and if so what should that age be! He's uncomfortable with anything over 45. That ship has sailed, so I don't know where to go now.

OP - I'm really sorry you're going through this. I have PCOS and it was a long and torturous road to having DD, it was all I could think about. We're different though, because DH wanted just as badly as I did and got all the tests the doctor asked for done. When fertility is an issue, you both need to be really committed.

It's worth remembering lots of women with PCOS have babies - I know plenty in RL - but I don't think your partner wants a baby. You need to make a decision about which you want more - him or a baby - as him saying he's only trying for you doesn't bode well for any child you do have.

You can love the very bones of someone, but if they don't want the sane things as you, it's usually game over if you do want to lead and happy, fulfilled life. Sounds dramatic but just imagine all that anger you'd have stored up otherwise.

Do you think there's any chance he could have had a vasectomy and hasn't told you, OP? I know it's a bit 'out there' but did happen to a friend of mine... It would explain his reluctance to be tested etc, as it would expose tbis

excuse all the typos - and good luck

I think he's using his age as an excuse tbh. 46 is not old at all for a dad.

I can understand IVF being dismissed as an option, I've seen friends go through it and it's tough and a hard road to travel, but realistically IVF probably isn't the next step to take for you. There's lots you and he can do before it comes to IVF, so if he's dismissing all future endeavours, including even getting his sperm tested, I'd say he's telling you he doesn't want any more children.

I don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting a child at all, but if your partner is telling you he doesn't, you have a big decision to make.

If he's had a vasectomy and not mentioned it to the OP then he wouldn't be the first.

I remember a recent thread in Relationships where the OP said a friend had had the snip and wasn't planning to tell his wife as she had changed her mind about having children and wanted to start ttc.

If his children are 9 & 7 and you've been together 6 years they must have been pretty small when he split up with his previous partner. Of course there may be a lot more to it but on the face of it he wasn't ready for fatherhood then either - perhaps his choice of a 21 year old was partly due to the idea that family life could be postponed indefinitely...

He may have already had a vasectomy.

I don't blame him for not wanting more children. I am 44 and feel too old.

This is a dealbreaker.

I am that he is letting you start on Clomid whilst refusing to have a simple sperm test. What if you had a bad side effect, and it turned out it was pointless taking Clomid as he had a really low sperm count?

A sperm test is a really really simple test for him to perform and if his results are normal he will be cleared of any further requirements apart from having sex (unless you do go down the assisted conception route). So why is he refusing to do this for you?

Is he a selfish person generally? Because I think that refusing to do this whilst you have fertility investigations and treatment that may be pointless is selfish.
Does he really not want a baby and is hoping you won't be successful?
Does he have something to hide e.g. vasectomy?

I would be v worried by this: he only reason he's trying is to make me happy. A child, whilst wonderful, needs a lot of commitment and big lifestyle changes. Will he step up if you have a child? Will he resent you and the child? Why did he and his previous partner separate when their children were young? I would think very hard about whether he will be a good devoted father given his reluctance to get pregnant.

Personally I don't think a man is worth giving up motherhood for, certainly not when you have so much time to meet someone new. Obviously some people will weigh this differently. Think about what is important in your life, what you would like to look back on when you are elderly.

If you continue ttc up to 45 then he will be 63 by then and he frankly will probably not be up to dealing with babies and little children with teens in his late 70s to 80s. I think your dp feels he's had his dcs, done the hard early years and wants the opportunity to enjoy life without the demands and sleepless nights which I can totally understand. However i can also empathise with ur desire to have your own dcs. As others have said you need to think about whether you can live with never having your own dcs and if you can' t then you need to leave this relationship.

If I were in this situation then I'd have 3 questions for my OH.

1. Will he get is sperm tested, yes or no.

2. Does he really want children, yes or no.

3. Has he had a vasectomy, yes or no.

The answers would be aiding me in making my mind up, because to me this would be dealbreaker time.

My husband and I have the same age gap.

He doesn't have children already but I always knew that if he hadn't wanted them (perfectly possible given he's not had any previously), then it would have been a deal breaker for me. It would have broken my heart to leave him but it's a sacrifice I'm not willing to make.

He's not wrong to not want more children, you're not wrong to want them. But I don't think it is something you can compromise on.

I'm sorry you're experiencing infertility, along with the realisation that you do not share the same life goals as your partner. It must be very hard

I think the nasty posts about the dp are uncalled for. Why don't his feelings matter? He has been ttc'ing with you, OP, but doesn't want fertility treatment. He doesn't want to be much older if he becomes a father again.
These feelings are equally as valid as yours, and its not at all fair to dismiss them and criticise.
It sounds like you want very different things, which is bound to be more likely in a age gap relationship. You need to decide between yourselves where you go next.

Nasty, completely irrelevant comments about your dp from a load of anonymous aibu'ers is the last thing this situation needs, tbh.

sounds like he doesn't want any more children.
to me, that would be a deal breaker.
i wouldn't want to make that kind of sacrifice just to keep him happy.
in fact if i were you, i would break up with him.
you say you couldn't do without him and that's really hard for sure.
but you are only 27.
i would move on, despite the heartbreak in the hope that i would meet someone nice in the future who does want to have kids.

DH was 50 when we had DS, 53 when we had DD. BUT he was really up for it, which I think you have to be if you're going to be a much older Dad. Sending you strength for the decision that I think you need to make between your DH and having kids. A shit situation for you and very unfair.

Spunking into a couple to get his sperm tested is pretty easy and not invasive at all so I can't see his logic in refusing. It's not selfish to want children, you just need to decide for yourself while you are still very able what you want, children with another man you may love as deeply or no children with a man you love deeply?
Have you been checked out? You seem to be blaming yourself a lot but the truth could be that neither of you have issues, he has an issue, you do, you both do or you both do together. It could also be that he's had a vasectomy, which would mean he'd be such a shitty person right now not to have been honest before you ttc. Whether he is capable of such deceit, no one knows but it is strange he won't get his sperm checked and is calling you selfish. I would never have suspected vasectomy in the past but having read posts from OPs who've found out otherwise and one recently from someone whose friend did it behind his DP's back...I would have a niggling thought.

OP I have PCOS and have been ttc for almost 2 years. I'm on clomid right now and I'm a hormone fuelled wreck. For this to work you both need to be on the same page. It's a bloody long, heartbreaking slog and you can only deal with it if he's there supporting you and wanting a baby as much as you do.
Me and DH had been together 9 years when we started ttc. He wanted to wait until our careers were up and running and it took a frank discussion in which I explained I love him but I don't have the time to wait years and if that was the case, that would be my deal breaker. He understood, researched pcos and we started trying.
It absolutely needs to be a team effort. You have a very straight talking, hard conversation to have

I think he's being unfair not to get checked out. Either he's trying or he's not, it doesn't make sense to be willing to be ttc but not get checked out (not talking IVF here but at least the basics).

This may sound harsh but: you've been together with him since you were 21. That's your whole 20s. So it makes sense that it's hard to imagine life without him, finding someone else, etc. But I think if you were to ask people, many many of us had that 20s relationship that didn't work out and then went on to find even better partners later. This is because what we want late 20s and early 20s is often quite different.

At your age I would absolutely not choose relationship over motherhood, if it is something that's important to you.

Having done my time on the TTC boards, I found it amazing (and truly heartbreaking) how many women had partners who were willing to allow them to go through blood tests, scans, start taking drugs with unpleasant side effects.......but refused to spaff into a little pot themselves. And how often those women would just accept that. Made me extremely on their behalf.

You were very young when you met him, OP. I do wonder why men select partners nearly 20 years younger than them - perhaps thinking you'll be too young to make "demands" of him. Just because you don't know anything different in terms of relationships doesn't mean that something better isn't out there.

Aren't partners meant to care about what's important to us? To support us in achieving a shared vision?

Your 20's are for experiencing different relationships. I don't think this is the right one for you.

Don't let "fear of the unknown" hold you back.

'An old man'? He doesn't want to foist 'an old man' on an infant?! He's forty bloody six!

We had our first DC when my DH was 44, and our third last year, when he was 50. He is extremely youthful, fit, energetic and a fantastic dad. Loads - if not most - of the people we know have DC in their 40's - it's absolutely normal here.

It is a deal breaker. You are very young and I think your longing for children will grow bigger than your relationship. Your DP isn't wicked for not wanting more children - he's perfectly entitled to have that opinion, but long term, you will probably have to face the choice of him, or children.

I'm sorry that you have had problems. Good luck OP.

If he sees himself as an old man thats his view, it is not for randoms here to decide for him.

If a man came on here saying he really wanted a child but his wife was refusing to have testing/go for IVF etc, he's be eaten alive. He certainly wouldn't be told that she was unreasonable, a liar, possible had been sterilised secretly etc etc. He'd be told that her fertility and desires re children was her own affair and how dare he try and force her into it.

I was in your situation and i left my oh. Neither of you are right or wrong but I had to ask myself the question is I gave up trying for my OH , how would I feel when it was too late? When he was seeing his children and grandchildren..... how would I feel? what if he left me later on? and Id given up my chance to have children. I agree; you need to lay your cards on the table and then make a decision. Is he worth giving up children for?

Like others i also thought vasectomy.
You havent been ttc that long there may possibly be nothing wrong with either.
I do not think clomid should be used before a sperm test, as im sure it costs more than the £80 sperm test.
Also what a waste of 6m or so if there are very few.
I would try metformin. Can you work on your bmi or do you have lean pcos. Its still worth trying a low gi diet.
I think he's being very selfish he got together with a 20yo and started ttc when she was say 26 and now saying he's getting too old. Well he had to know op wanted kids, he should have encouraged ttc earlier. (As anything up to 2 yrs is normal timeframe).
Also i assume he doesnt want to pay for the ivf, it can get expensive we paid 10k for 2 rounds if icsi.

Oh it's his choice all right about whether he wants (more) kids or not. That's why I said - as others have done - that it means the relationship is not right for either of them. No one has to be right or wrong to want what they want, but it does make them incompatible. Though I notice he doesn't feel 'too old' to have sex with a younger woman, only too old when it comes to taking on responsibilities. Bet he would bristle if people asked him 'aren't you a bit old to have OP as a girlfriend?'