To want try whatever it takes to have a baby?

[icy121]

My OH is significantly older than I a, (I'm 27 he's 46). He has 2 kids fro, ex marriage, DSDs 9 & 7. We have been together for coming up to 6 years and ttc for 16 months. I've been diagnosed with pcos and taking clomid (done fuck all).

The thought of never being a mum makes me feel awful. Horrific. But he says it's not fair for me to want to try indefinitely - both from his perspective and the potential baby's - it's not fair to expect an old man to have an infant and it's not fair to foist an old man on an infant.

Because he's had 2 kids, and I've got the pcos, he doesn't see the need to get checked out. I want him to, but I'm not going to force him to, as I think forcing him to would further damage a relationship which risks being torn to shreds by infertility.

When we started out we discussed ivf etc and I said I wouldn't make him do that. He's really opposed to it, doesn't really understand the process but knows he doesn't want to do it. AIBU in wanting to proceed anyway, railroading over his feelings towards it, being selfish in trying to be a mother when any child wouldn't have a normal set of parents? I can't think about anything else, I haven't since the day I came off the pill. Should I agree an age for him, and if so what should that age be! He's uncomfortable with anything over 45. That ship has sailed, so I don't know where to go now.

Unless OP needs him to change her diapers and get up when she cries half the night, I don't see the comparison between having a younger girlfriend and having a child. Odd notion altogether.

Know everyone's idea of 'too old' is different, but my DH is 47 and has just had a vascectomy reversal - quite an involved, fairly expensive op with only a slim chance of success. My point is: if your DH sees how much you want this, says he wants it too, then isn't even prepared to spaff in a pot, then he's the selfish one, not you.

Agree with other posters that he clearly doesn't want a child and that's valid, but trying to turn this around on you and label you selfish when he's already had his children doesn't say 'true love' to me. It seems like you feel gulilty for longing for a child because of what he's saying, when really it's the most natural thing in the world.

For me, I accept we might not have a baby, and am prepared to give up the chance of motherhood to be with DH (I'm 32). But if he wasn't prepared to at least try to do this, and acknowledge my potential loss, I think we might really struggle down the line.

Do you really want to wake up at 45 and realise you've lost your chance to be a mother for a man who doesn't love you enough to jizz in a pot? Or front up and admit he doesn't want a baby and allow you to make an informed decision? This isn't about him not wanting more kids - I truly believe that's fair enough. It's about making you feel bad for wanting them, not doing his (relatively minor) bit, and ultimately not being honest with you.

Like others have said, you are young and have time. Good luck.

I must admit like some others vasectomy was my first thought. Probably because of the secret vasectomy thread.

You need to weigh up what is more important to you, him or a child.

If it is him then you may have to accept that he will not have more children because he doesn't want to and neither will you.

If it is a child then leave him now before this eats you up and destroys your relationship.

"I think he's being pretty selfish. He's had his children, but he would deny you the same experience?"

No more selfish than the OP for trying to railroad him into being a father.

Unfortunately there is no middle ground here. If neither of you can agree about parenthood you have to decide what is more important - this man or parenthood (and even then there are no guarantees that you will become pregnant with a new partner).

As to whether the OP's partner is too old, that is very much a personal thing. Some people just don't want the responsibility of a small person when they are approaching retirement, some welcome it. We are all different.

Op my DP has a DD who is 6 (not with me), we have been ttc for 2.5 yrs. He is infertile we discovered, has a 0 sperm count. He is 43, a little over weight, drank an awful lot before we got together. There is always a chance your DP has fertility issues.

We start our second round of ivf in a few weeks after DP has had 3 operations to surgically retrieve sperm. There is no way we could do any of this if my DP wasn't 100% on board and wanting exactly the same thing as me.

You really need to sit down with him and have a very frank conversation. If you want dc's you need to be so committed, both of you do because it's heartbreaking and isolating and you need each other for complete support.

I know is a hard question but if he isn't committed do you want to stay with him knowing you may never be a mother?

Sorry, I also think he doesn't want a baby but also doesn't want to lose you so won't be honest. I can see his point of view, he already has children and knows what's involved, how hard it is etc. Not wanting a baby is a valid choice but it's unfair of him not to be honest.

And even though you have PCOS, the real problem could easily be him. I read recently that male factor infertility is actually MORE common than female, but the media only focuses on female infertility (because everything has to be the fault of women, obviously).

I think you need to get a straight answer out of him. You are only 27. You could easily find someone else and have children.