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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have refused this invite

65 replies

ordinarylives · 27/03/2015 21:46

I have a very close friend that I have known for around 30 years and she means the world to me, we have had our ups and downs over the years, but our friendship has always been very strong.

A couple of years ago she met her current partner who I have spoken to a couple of times on the phone as he needed some help with his tax return. He was pleasant enough, but droned on a bit and I was glad when the phone call was over. My husband and I met him recently at a function and spoke very briefly to him, we both said he seemed very socially awkward, and we didn't really gel with him or find any common ground. My husband though he was a bit of a knob and got the impression that he just didn't want to know us.

Anyway he invited us to his house for a meal as a thank you for the advice I gave him. We didn't want to go and made an excuse that we were busy and couldn't make it.

My friend has asked again about getting together for this meal and I have just been honest and said we don't want to go. She told me that we sometimes have to make an effort and do things we don't want to do. My argument is I am too long in the tooth to be a people pleaser and its ok to not do something because you don't want to.

Our friendship has always been based on the two of us getting together and not foursomes with our partners. She has admitted also that he fulfils a current need in her life and she does his, but the relationship is unlikely to go anywhere as they want totally different things.

So have I just been rude to my friend, or is it reasonable to not do something that you don't want to do?

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 27/03/2015 21:48

Of course you've been rude !!! She knows you don't want to go and still asked you to do it for her and you still said no ... You can't put yourself out for her for one evening?

eurochick · 27/03/2015 21:50

You've been rude.

CalleighDoodle · 27/03/2015 21:50

You sound spoiled tbh

stillwearingaredribbon · 27/03/2015 21:51

Agree with above, you have been rude

TheIronGnome · 27/03/2015 21:52

Haha! And you have the audacity to label him 'socially awkward'??

YABU

expatinscotland · 27/03/2015 21:52

You've been very rude.

TwinkieTwinkle · 27/03/2015 21:53

Wow, how rude and frankly nasty.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 27/03/2015 21:54

You couldn't pretend to be polite for one thank you meal? Very rude, and disrespectful to your friend of many years to be honest.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/03/2015 21:54

He's invited you to dinner as a thank you. He hadn't asked you to elope with him!
It's one night wouldnt hurt you would it.
Yes yabu and very bad mannered.
I get you don't like him and you don't have to but you're not in a relationship with him are you

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2015 21:54

Very rude

Neither you or your DH have given him a fair chance

ErrWhat · 27/03/2015 21:55

Mmm, tricky but I would have done the same thing. As long as you didn't specifically say you think her partner is a knob then I think it's ok to simply and politely say you don't want to do a meal.

It's sometimes better to be honest otherwise it's painfully obvious you are lying and it can end up causing more ill feeling.

YANBU

ErrWhat · 27/03/2015 21:56

Lol at xposts. I guess it's just you and me OP. Wink

PtolemysNeedle · 27/03/2015 21:56

It is reasonable to decline an invitation you don't want to accept, but at the same time, it's reasonable to have dinner with one of your closest friends and her partner even if you don't like him very much.

The nice thing to do would be to accept. It's up to you if you want to be nice or not.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/03/2015 21:56

Wow. So rude.

AliceLidlLovesWindlePoons · 27/03/2015 21:57

If he didn't want to know you, why would he invite you to his house?

You've been invited twice.

If it were a duty invite he'd have been grateful the first time you turned him down and wouldn't have asked again.

And if your friend is suddenly encouraging a group get-together, perhaps he means more to her than you think.

Spadequeen · 27/03/2015 21:58

Very rude, I'm afraid he's not the socially awkward one.

Blarblarblar · 27/03/2015 21:58

I don't like all my friends partners but I love my friends.I would have gone to support her. YABU

SavoyCabbage · 27/03/2015 21:58

I don't think this friend does mean the world to you if you can't be arsed to sit through a meal for her.

Thirty years of close friendship.

Tryingthisonefornow · 27/03/2015 21:59

I think you know now, you have been horribly rude! Your poor friend.

Maybe he is a bit socially awkward I am but have you thought maybe that means that it was actually a big deal for him to invite you! And maybe if you gave him a chance he would actually be great company.

Your friend of many years find his company enjoyable, maybe you're the one who is missing something here.

SueChef · 27/03/2015 21:59

Yabu

Only1scoop · 27/03/2015 21:59

Yabu....

What a great friend you are Hmm

WayfaringStranger · 27/03/2015 21:59

YABU, it doesn't matter if you like him or not, you should do it for your friend.

Original poster
ordinarylives · 27/03/2015 22:00

I love mumsnet and totally knew I would get flamed. Thanks for your responses x

OP posts:
Pipbin · 27/03/2015 22:00

Sorry, but you have been rude.
Would one evening out of your life really been so much to please your friend?
Sometimes you have to just suck it up OP.
You've met this guy a couple times, who knows, you might like him when you get to know him.

Koalafications · 27/03/2015 22:01

Very rude.

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