Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To have refused this invite

65 replies

ordinarylives · 27/03/2015 21:46

I have a very close friend that I have known for around 30 years and she means the world to me, we have had our ups and downs over the years, but our friendship has always been very strong.

A couple of years ago she met her current partner who I have spoken to a couple of times on the phone as he needed some help with his tax return. He was pleasant enough, but droned on a bit and I was glad when the phone call was over. My husband and I met him recently at a function and spoke very briefly to him, we both said he seemed very socially awkward, and we didn't really gel with him or find any common ground. My husband though he was a bit of a knob and got the impression that he just didn't want to know us.

Anyway he invited us to his house for a meal as a thank you for the advice I gave him. We didn't want to go and made an excuse that we were busy and couldn't make it.

My friend has asked again about getting together for this meal and I have just been honest and said we don't want to go. She told me that we sometimes have to make an effort and do things we don't want to do. My argument is I am too long in the tooth to be a people pleaser and its ok to not do something because you don't want to.

Our friendship has always been based on the two of us getting together and not foursomes with our partners. She has admitted also that he fulfils a current need in her life and she does his, but the relationship is unlikely to go anywhere as they want totally different things.

So have I just been rude to my friend, or is it reasonable to not do something that you don't want to do?

OP posts:

TwinkieTwinkle · 27/03/2015 22:58

OP, glad to hear you are going to try and rectify things. Please make sure that when doing so you don't saying anything like 'I'll give him a chance'. Just apologise for being rude, perhaps say you were having an off day, then ask if you could rearrange the dinner.

MrsHathaway · 27/03/2015 23:00

Oh come on, it is there.

we both said he seemed very socially awkward, and we didn't really gel with him or find any common ground. My husband though he was a bit of a knob ... We didn't want to go and made an excuse that we were busy and couldn't make it... I am too long in the tooth to be a people pleaser and its ok to not do something because you don't want to... the relationship is unlikely to go anywhere as they want totally different things.

It does sound very much like you can't be arsed to even try to like him.

reni1 · 27/03/2015 23:05

OP said she'll put it right though. I'm sure many of us have made mistakes like this, I know I have.

minionmadness · 27/03/2015 23:07

I'm quite long in the tooth too... but I still do things for/with my friends/family that I'd rather not because that's what you do when you care about people.

I can't stand one of my dsis's DH's, (with good reason) I am perfectly happy to spend time in his presence if it makes my dsis happy.

prawnballs · 27/03/2015 23:14

Could you not make the effort for just one night Op? You can't get the jist of someone over one phone call - your poor friend must feel like shite!

sosix · 27/03/2015 23:18

I dunno, shes a very ol friend, you've been honest. Like you said you're too long in the tooth for this. i don't know your age

Box5883284322679964228 · 27/03/2015 23:27

I always feel really awkward meeting people initially but actually I'm well liked by those who do know me.

msgrinch · 27/03/2015 23:32

Yeah yabu. you're really rude and need some manners.

Threeplus1 · 27/03/2015 23:45

YABU - it was rude
YA also BU for saying 'invite' and not 'invitation'

LadyGregory · 27/03/2015 23:48

I'm going to buck the trend and say you haven't been in the least unreasonable. You did the guy a favour purely because he was your friend's partner, and you've spoken to him on more than one occasion and found him dull and not that into you - going to dinner would have just been another obligation on top of the tax returns. If he disliked you as much as he seemed when you met him, it sounds as if the repeated invitation must have come at the instigation of your friend. He could just have bought you a good bottle of wine or something that didn't involve an evening with you.

And I agree with you about meaningless people-pleasing. Yes, we all have to do things we don't like, but that's tax returns and root canals, not spending the evening pretending to enjoy yourself in the company of someone equally bored.

However, you love your friend, and even if she's given you the impression this is not a serious relationship, it's been going on for two years and she's clearly hurt. Perhaps (as has happened with two close friends of mine, who changed their minds about the seriousness of relationships they had initially been dismissive about, and went on to marry and have children with men they had laughed at) she's trying to signal that she's serious about him now?

It sounds as if the friendship is important to you, so I would do my best to repair the hurt.

justcallmethefixer · 27/03/2015 23:51

I'm with you op its your life if you don't want to why should you?

PoppyRose21 · 27/03/2015 23:54

yabu

msgrinch · 27/03/2015 23:56

It's my life I don't want to be polite to rude customers, go to work or be nice to bil (who's done a lot for us but reminds us daily). I was raised with manners though so I suck it up and get on with it.

Original poster

ordinarylives · 28/03/2015 00:10

Spoken to friend and apologised, she is absolutely fine, was a bit disappointed but not upset. The second invitation was from her and he doesn't know anything about it. We have agreed if he brings it up we will go along and have a nice evening, if he doesn't well we won't. We are generally very honest with each other sometimes brutally and after 30 years we must be doing something right to be so close. So thanks again for all your input, I will go back to being a sad lurker but glad I had my first AIBU.

OP posts:

prawnballs · 28/03/2015 00:12

Hope you have a great night ordinary
At least you can come away from it with a proper judgement of what he's really like and make your mind up then

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread