To have refused this invite

[ordinarylives]

I have a very close friend that I have known for around 30 years and she means the world to me, we have had our ups and downs over the years, but our friendship has always been very strong.

A couple of years ago she met her current partner who I have spoken to a couple of times on the phone as he needed some help with his tax return. He was pleasant enough, but droned on a bit and I was glad when the phone call was over. My husband and I met him recently at a function and spoke very briefly to him, we both said he seemed very socially awkward, and we didn't really gel with him or find any common ground. My husband though he was a bit of a knob and got the impression that he just didn't want to know us.

Anyway he invited us to his house for a meal as a thank you for the advice I gave him. We didn't want to go and made an excuse that we were busy and couldn't make it.

My friend has asked again about getting together for this meal and I have just been honest and said we don't want to go. She told me that we sometimes have to make an effort and do things we don't want to do. My argument is I am too long in the tooth to be a people pleaser and its ok to not do something because you don't want to.

Our friendship has always been based on the two of us getting together and not foursomes with our partners. She has admitted also that he fulfils a current need in her life and she does his, but the relationship is unlikely to go anywhere as they want totally different things.

So have I just been rude to my friend, or is it reasonable to not do something that you don't want to do?

[AnnieMoor]

Very rude.

I have a couple of dear friends that have married 1. a fuckwit 2. a dullard - but we socialise with them all because that's what you do as a friend.

[PlumpingIsQuiteUpForThud]

I think you've been a bit rude and may have hurt her feelings, yes.

Too long in the tooth to be a people pleaser? Too lazy to make an effort for a friend you purport to care about more like. You could at least have given him one last chance, esp as she asked you to.

[ihatelego]

it obviously means a lot to her, and tbf like others have mentioned it doesn't sound like the poor man's had much of a chance, maybe he wants to try again if he knows he didn't make a good impression the first time, would it be so bad to have one open minded meal?

[reni1]

I would have gone. Call your friend and say you were hormonal and didn't mean to be rude, you'd be delighted to go of course. You do not get to pick your friends in law.

[MrsItsNoworNotatAll]

I think I might have done the same as you.

[MrsHathaway]

You're being rude. Fair enough not to go for dinner with him, but you're refusing to go to dinner with them.

got the impression that he just didn't want to know us.

Fuck me, he's inviting you round for dinner. He's doing his best to try to get to know you, isn't he!

Go once. If it's awful, you can refuse further invitations and say you want her all to yourself. But you do have to go once if you want to keep her friendship, I think.

[weeblueberry]

So rude I'm wondering whether this is a reverse.

[AgentZigzag]

Yeah you were rude, but she fucking made you do it!

Why would any 'friend' say 'we sometimes have to make an effort and do things we don't want to do'? So even though she knew it's not something you'd enjoy she still wanted to guilt you into it for her own reasons?

Uh, no thanks.

[OnlyUserNameLeft]

Wow, really?

I'm an introvert, I guess people may call me socially awkward - until you get to know me properly. He was making an effort, a really nice gesture, on home turf where he would maybe feel more confident and you won't even give him a second chance? Ouch..

[AdeleDazeem]

• DP wants to say thanks. Will you come to dinner some night?
  

- Ah, I'd rather not if it's all the same
- Well I'd really like you to. Please?
- Hey life's too short to do stuff you don't want to do kitten ya know know?

YABU
(my very first yabu)

[DoJo]

My argument is I am too long in the tooth to be a people pleaser and its ok to not do something because you don't want to.

It's fine not to want to live your life to please others at the ongoing expense of your own happiness, but if you value someone's friendship then making the effort to get to know their partner is a kind thing to do. He may well have been 'socially awkward' at a function, meeting lots of people and feeling under pressure, but he invited you to his home to demonstrate his appreciation for your help, which suggests that he is at least trying to smooth out his awkward creases.

Based on an occasion on which you 'spoke very briefly to him' you have dismissed this man completely, despite the fact it was clearly important to your friend that you accept his offer of hospitality. You have been rude.

If this is a reverse, well, I think you know how that will go down...

[slightlyconfused85]

Super rude. And hurtful to your friend, and really lazy. Can't be bothered to eat at his house when he is cooking for you and your dh? You have only met him once how do you know you wouldn't get along in a more homely setting? Im glad yours not my friend.

[ordinarylives]

Not a reverse!

I have been a bitch, I will put this right, thanks again x

[AGirlCalledBoB]

So so rude, you do not sound like a good friend at all to be honest.

For someone who is a bit of a knob, the guy invited you for a meal to thank you. He obviously wants to make an effort for them to ask twice. You have not given him a chance.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

I wonder if the bloke isn't somewhat re-leaved at this outcome.

[pictish]

Agree with everyone else. She's your very close friend who means the world to you apparently. What's wrong with you?

[reni1]

Well done, OP. You might actually enjoy it, good luck.

[pictish]

Oops missed your update. Yep...good for you! Do put it right. xx

[pictish]

P.s it sounds like he's shy and a bit socially inept...but definitely not horrible in any way.

[TwoOddSocks]

There's a difference between people pleasing and showing consideration to someone you describe as a close friend. She didn't ask you to go on a three week camping trip, it's one evening. Y

ou sound desperate to dislike this guy, who cares if he droned on a bit on the phone - maybe he was keen to appear grateful. And he was a little awkward during a very brief meeting - so what? Maybe he wanted to make a good impression on his DP's friends. You might turn out to the like the guy and if you don't you'll have made your friend happy. I don't understand why one evening is such a big deal.

[LapsedTwentysomething]

I'm glad you've changed your mind because I was going to say YABU.

I'm socially awkward in some situations, but I try my best and when I get to know people I they like me. Give him a chance (well, several) before you decide whether he's worth losing a friend over.

[BristolMum321]

I don't think YABU. You're friends with HER & helped him out because she is your friend. I don't think you are under any obligation. I think you were lovely to be so honest with her. She may choose to spend her life with him, doesn't mean you have to then spend time with him if you don't like him. (I've spent time with a friend & her new husband many times even though he is horrid but have finally given up as it's just too uncomfortable & the little bit of leisure time I get between work, children & my husband, I actually want to spend it with people I like & whose company I enjoy.

[LapsedTwentysomething]

I hope they like me.

[ordinarylives]

TwoOddSocks - you say I sound desperate to dislike this guy, you are so wrong and that is a totally unfair statement. I take on board everything that has been said, and I intend to put it right, but please don't read into things that just aren't there.