Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take my 13yo on holiday?

75 replies

FightingFires · 27/03/2015 15:24

We have a lovely camper van, which we got last year after talking and planning it for ages. We had two l lovely holidays in it last year, before the Teen Mist descended. Apparently now the van is "meh" and she just doesn't like it anymore.

I sat her down last week and pointed out she was being rather selfish, and her attitude to my holiday was mean, and spoiling it for me. Although there was eye rolling, she has dropped the sarky comments.

However she refuses to be involved in any planning, and "doesn't care where we go, I'm only going to be nice to you mum". All she just wants is to be sleeping over at friends' houses and mooning at boys over facetime.

I'm sat here in floods as I feel like I've lost her. She was always so lovely and we were so close.

I'm also tempted to tell her to forget it and she can go to her dad's house for the holidays. Ungrateful brat.

Help me see some reason please?

OP posts:
Maroonie · 27/03/2015 15:30

Try not to take it personally, I remember at that age really not wanting to go on holiday with my family, And it was a beach holiday in Majorca. (Which I did enjoy in the end)
I was just at a stage where the thought of missing a sleepover, party or any other social event felt like the end of the world.
She is going because she knows you want her to so focus on that and enjoy yourselves.

geekymommy · 27/03/2015 15:31

Would it be possible for her to bring a friend along on the trip? Of course she's going to want to spend time with her friends more than she's going to want to spend time with you, she's a teenager.

Does she get much privacy in the camper van? As a teenager, I wouldn't have liked a vacation where I didn't have someplace I could go to get away from my parents.

prawnballs · 27/03/2015 15:32

Teenagers are bloody hard work Flowers
I hope she comes round and you both have a lovely time - it sounds great - hopefully she will realise this and appreciate you.

Losingmyreligion · 27/03/2015 15:39

I feel your pain. Going through the same thing with my 13 year old DS. Really miss him.

Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 15:45

Not really room for a friend, and also I would like to spend some time with just her, iyswim? Both DP & I work so hard on term time and I miss them. But I know she prefers her friends and that's normal. I didn't realise it was going to be so hard for me to detatch though :(

No, no privacy. I get that too.

It's awful isn't it Losing. I feel totally floored and I'm still crying. I never bloody cry.

OP posts:
googoodolly · 27/03/2015 15:49

It's tough - teenagers are basically toddlers in growing bodies! To her, the idea of missing time with her friends/boys is akin to social suicide - all she'll be thinking is her friends will be home without her and she won't get to join in.

Take her anyway. She'll enjoy it once she's there and I'm sure most of her friends are going away somewhere too, even if just to see grandparents for a few days. I remember HATING the idea of being away from friends/boyfriends at that age, but I enjoyed my holidays nonetheless. The idea was always far worse than the reality!

HolgerDanske · 27/03/2015 15:52

I'm sorry, because i know what a wrench it is emotionally, but I do think you have to graciously accept this phase in her development. It's hugely important for her to distance herself from you, her primary female influence, in order to start forging her own identity independent from yours. Probably even more so given that you used to be so close. It'll last a couple of years or so and when she comes out the other side you will find a closer relationship with her again, I promise.

I know it's hard, but I think you probably know deep down that she doesn't mean to be horrible to you.

I think you just need to try very hard to allow her the metaphorical space she is asking for. It might be your perfect holiday but at the moment it isn't her perfect thing anymore. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, although I'm sure it feels that way, a bit. It also doesn't mean she isn't grateful for you and everything you do and have done for her.

Do your own planning, look forward to it, and don't reject her completely simply because she has to make her own way in the world for a bit. I'm sure there'll still be lovely moments on your holiday, and they'll be lovelier still for the bitter sweetness of rarity.

Have you got good adult friends you can rely on a bit more over the coming months and years? You sound quite bereft at not being quite as close with her, and it just made me wonder whether you have maybe relied on her emotionally a little too much. While it's lovely to be close with your children, it can often be quite a burden on a youngster to be relied on in that way.

(Mum of two girls, 20 and 16)

Maroonie · 27/03/2015 15:53

How long are you going away for? Could you compromise so she has some time at home and sometime with friends?
Sounds really hard, I've only been the teenager so far so I can only give that point of view! The only thing I would add is to not push her about it or push her away as it will make it harder to come back once the teen hormones have calmed down.

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2015 15:57

She moons at boys? I'm sure that was a typo but I can't think what it should have been.

OP, I loved caravan holidays as a kid (I still do) but once I was over the age of 12, I would have been utterly miserable if I couldn't take my best friend. It really made all the difference.

There was no room in the tiny van we used either really, so we used to top and tail.

Don't blame your child for growing up. It's not her fault.

HolgerDanske · 27/03/2015 16:01

Bless you, I do remember how much it hurts. I'm starting to get my younger one back now (I guess it was harder with her than my eldest because she's similar to me in character and also my 'baby') and it's really wonderful to see her emerging from her cocoon and knowing that yes, I did some of the moulding of this young woman -- but she also did a lot of it herself with the tools I'd given her, so I must've done something right along the way.

If you want to really do some cathartic crying, now would be a good time to watch ABBA's Slipping Through my Fingers on Youtube. The most heart wrenching song. The first line in there: 'School bag in hand she leaves home in the early morning, waving goodbye with an absentminded smile'

Oh. My. Word. the big fat sobs.

Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 16:06

Thank you for being so kind.

We're only away for a week, she has another week to be with her friends, I am trying!

I'm obviously going to have to stop pushing her to join in and calm the hell down... I'm not normally the least bit stressy, I need to recapture that. I have a friend who knows the ins and outs of all the friendships and dramas via her same age DD, and DD1 tells me nothing, which I try not to find hurtful, and tbh I don't really want to know, but it feels like I may have made a mistake or something, that she can't talk to me.

I have a younger DD and lots of friends, but my girls have always come first. I do feel a bit bereft, and also a bit suddenly not needed (unless she wants a tenner for town or a lift). I think it's the suddeness that's shocked me. She was only 13 in December.

OP posts:
geekymommy · 27/03/2015 16:06

Would it be possible to go on holiday with her but without the camper van? It might go more smoothly in a setting where she can get away from you if she wants to.

Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 16:08

Yep. Mooning at boys. That was sudden too. One minute she hated them then she had a 6ft 13yo boyfriend.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/03/2015 16:09

OP have you considered buying some awning for the camper van and letting her and a friend camp there?

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2015 16:10

Oh ok, I think mooning must mean something different where you live.

Where I live, it means flashing your bare boobs or bum Blush

Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 16:11

Slipping Through My Fingers! Just the mention of it has set me off again. I really need to woman up before DP gets home, poor man won't know where to start

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 16:13

Ok, the take a friend thing is a theme. DD2 will have an absolute fit she can't have one too though, and there are not enough seats for 6.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 16:14

Not that mooning Worra !

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 27/03/2015 16:15

I watched it about ten times in a row once when my eldest was almost done at sixth form. Suddenly there was a young woman where my baby had always been, just on the cusp of her own big adventure in the world. Such exquisite pain all mixed up with happy memories and regret and hope. We just don't know what we let ourselves in for with parenthood, do we?

diddl · 27/03/2015 16:19

I have the same meaning for mooning at Worra

Although if you said mooning over boys that would be different.

Well if it's a family holiday, don't take a friend!

Gosh, 13yrs old we were told that this is the holiday that's happening!

Like it or lump it tbh.

And make the rest of the family miserable at your peril!

Flipchart · 27/03/2015 16:20

Seriously I wouldn't worry too much about it. i have sons and I booked the half term off only to be to be told ( in a nice way) that ds2 didn't want to go and explained why. His reasons made sense but getting half term off is hard work and I was lucky to get it. However DS1 who is not tied to school holidays said 'why dont we go away' me and ds1 had a great time and DS2 is on holiday with me in Augut ( ds1 isn't though!)

HolgerDanske · 27/03/2015 16:21

I think letting her take a friend is a lovely idea. And it'll be DD2's turn when she's 13 Smile

geekymommy · 27/03/2015 16:27

There are reasons why she might not want to tell you about her friendships and dramas, reasons that might not mean you did anything wrong.

She might know that you don't find that stuff particularly interesting. Not going on and on to someone about a topic they don't find interesting is an important social skill.

She might just not have the personality to really get into the dramas, or to want to talk about them. Some people don't, even as teenagers. Or she might not have a lot of drama going on. Not all teenagers do.

There might just not be a match between your personality and the type of person with whom she likes to discuss this kind of thing. There's no guarantee that your kids will have the same personality as you do, or even one that is particularly compatible with yours.

Maybe there's still a teen code, where you don't talk to adults and especially parents about some things unless absolutely necessary. I know when I was a teenager (late 80's to early 90's) there was. Pulling parents into teen drama was seriously escalating things, on the same kind of level as calling the police or social services as a middle-class adult. You didn't do it unless something really serious was going on.

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2015 16:30

I have the same meaning for mooning at Worra

I've been mooned at by diddl!! Shock Shock

SuperFlyHigh · 27/03/2015 16:31

I agree with Worra and the others who say about a friend, my parents had a camper-van too and though it was used when I was 11/12 or so after that we stayed in a bungalow (my aunt's) by the seaside and enough room (they had bunkbeds) so my brother and I could bring along a friend each.

We got privacy, time to wander round the town etc. I'm sure it kept my parents sane....

Swipe left for the next trending thread