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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take my 13yo on holiday?

75 replies

FightingFires · 27/03/2015 15:24

We have a lovely camper van, which we got last year after talking and planning it for ages. We had two l lovely holidays in it last year, before the Teen Mist descended. Apparently now the van is "meh" and she just doesn't like it anymore.

I sat her down last week and pointed out she was being rather selfish, and her attitude to my holiday was mean, and spoiling it for me. Although there was eye rolling, she has dropped the sarky comments.

However she refuses to be involved in any planning, and "doesn't care where we go, I'm only going to be nice to you mum". All she just wants is to be sleeping over at friends' houses and mooning at boys over facetime.

I'm sat here in floods as I feel like I've lost her. She was always so lovely and we were so close.

I'm also tempted to tell her to forget it and she can go to her dad's house for the holidays. Ungrateful brat.

Help me see some reason please?

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 27/03/2015 16:32

You can also attach a tent to camper vans I think as well as awnings.

Feedingthetreerats · 27/03/2015 16:33

Oh, Holger, you put all of this so well!

Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 16:49

Taking a friend is out as we really can't afford it Sad as is any other holiday than camping at the moment. We're a bit skint.

This is my problem as I've over imagined our van holidays as utterly perfect and forgotten about her growing up. We'll do the fun planning with DD2 who still wants to play with us, and let DD1 tag along, and maybe enjoying herself despite herself. DP has reminded we we had a lovely night out on Wednesday, and she had a fan time in just our company.

I think another problem is that I've been very much a 'yes' mum and always tried to say yes to her plans/sleepovers/parties if I possibly could, so now there is an assumption I will, and a real struggle with a 'no'. Not sure what to do about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 16:50

I DEFINITELY meant mooning OVER Blush

OP posts:
OhNoNotMyBaby · 27/03/2015 16:55

Pedant's corner here.

I think you mean 'mooning over boys' rather than 'mooning at boys', which conjures up pictures of your DD with her trousers round her ankles and bum in the air. ...

Wink
SuperFlyHigh · 27/03/2015 16:56

OP - what my mum used to do was to ask for a contribution towards food from the friend's mum and dad. They were more than happy to contribute as well as pocket money as it solved childcare and taking their little darlings off their hands for 2-3 weeks...

Shockers · 27/03/2015 17:00

I find that they enjoy it once you've prised the devices out of their claw-like grip and planned enough to do to stop them moaning.

Could you book a couple of activities that would challenge her... Go Ape or something? You probably won't change her disinterest in the run up, but it could change the mood once she's there.

I think taking a friend would exclude your other DD.

Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 17:01

I'm aware of the phrase 'mooning over' but the teen girls I know are far more confident, so 'mooning at' seemed more appropriate! In some cases I feel a little sorry for the boys.

Shan't use again though!

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 17:03

Go Ape is a good idea! Too skint this time, but will budget that sort of thing in for the summer hol.

I think she'll be fine once she's on a windy seafront with fish & chips and DP doing his best/worst dad jokes. You've all made me feel much better and more sensible. Good old vipers Smile

OP posts:
Shockers · 27/03/2015 17:08

We had four teens crabbing off a rain-lashed pier in Beaumaris in the Oct half term. Great fun! Oh, and the doughnut stealing seagull!

Hope you have a fabulous time Smile.

darkness · 27/03/2015 17:10

I have found that once the teens are removed from the immediate access to their friends they quite quickly become much more amenable to doing all sorts of things.
but
they very much also needed time not with me - so we had "us time" - and "personal time" on holidays - even in small spaces ( tents - caravans etc.)
so we would do touristy things and cooking together - but not get in each others faces all evening every evening..and this has worked very well , surprisingly so.
So based on this I would allow yourself to relax a bit, you may find you bond really well.
I also found some of the odd stuff that comes up on holidays as problems particularly when single parenting - making do with odd equipment - forgotten things getting lost and similar..they have been surprisingly good at solving - and it built trust and respect between us to do this.

Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 17:30

I'm hoping this will be all ok now :)

Even if she spends 50% of her time texting her friends about how awful it is Grin

OP posts:
geekymommy · 27/03/2015 17:38

She probably will need some more "me time" than she might have in the past. Don't try to spend every waking moment doing things together, especially if she's got any tendencies to be an introvert. I'm an introvert, and I don't like people being in my face all the time. My parents trying to be in my face all the time really annoyed me as a teenager. I need some time to myself to read or play computer games. I used to like walking by myself on the beach when I was a teenager, or going by myself to some of the T-shirt and souvenir shops by the beach. Any possibility of some time for her to do things like that? Don't try to be doing things together every waking moment. That's more likely to end in a fight than it is to end in a perfect vacation.

Don't go into this expecting things to be like they were when she was younger. You'll be disappointed, at the very least.

Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 17:46

Good advice, and I'll try not to foist her sister on her too much either.

I'm an introvert too, so I shall bear that in mind for her thank you x

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 27/03/2015 17:58

Just take dd2.

Give dd1 some space. Forcing her to spend a whole week with you and her DSIS in a tiny space in poss bad weather and worst of all no wifi (!!!!) won't make your relationship any better!

Dd2 would probably love the one on one time.

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2015 18:10

I sat her down last week and pointed out she was being rather selfish, and her attitude to my holiday was mean, and spoiling it for me

my holiday and spoiling it for me...

See, I'm with your daughter. Little kids love camping, but as they get older - not so much.
For me, if the choice was Camping Holiday or No Holiday I would take the No Holiday every time.

So cut her a bit of slack.

Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 18:18

I did say that, because she was being mean, and despite being a teenager she still needs to remember that other people have feelings. And it is my holiday, I dont exist purely to drive her about and hand over all my money to her, DP and I work hard and deserve a nice break.

So I take your point, but it needed to be said.

And she's coming. I gave her the choice last week and she said she would, rather than spend 2 weeks at her dad's. So we're going with it.

OP posts:
geekymommy · 27/03/2015 19:19

She is going to complain sometimes. She might text her complaints to her friends while you're on vacation. I wrote letters or postcards to mine complaining about some family trips. Kids maybe 5-10 years younger than me probably emailed theirs. That has always happened, and probably always will.

You can reasonably ask her not to complain to you. You can't reasonably ask her not to complain to anybody.

And there will be moments she won't enjoy. In fact, she might not enjoy the trip that much. That happens. Some vacations just aren't the best for one or more people on them. That's not a problem. What's a problem is if she's constantly complaining to you (or to someone else who isn't interested in hearing her complaints), or if you go into this expecting perfection. You aren't going to have a perfect vacation for everybody in the family. It just isn't going to happen, so that's not a realistic expectation. Unrealistic expectations don't help anything.

escondida · 27/03/2015 19:27

There's something happens to teen brains (not making this up, honest). Their dopamine receptors become especially immune to low doses. Basically the whole world is 'meh' unless something is very pleasurable it's just plain boring. This is why teens can be such addictive thrill seekers.

Their brains become more like adults who can take ordinary pleasures as they enter their 20s.

Kids and old people have very low pleasure centre thresholds, which is why they can take joy in such simple things.

So I'm saying it's not your teen's fault that she's struggling with meh. It's just how she feels about everything and she can't understand why you aren't the same, either.

Original poster
FightingFires · 27/03/2015 20:26

I do understand that, thank you for your explanations Smile

I'm a nice understanding mum, honest. Just reached my patience limit this afternoon. It was the meh that broke the camels back?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/03/2015 21:34

DP and I work hard and deserve a nice break.

Absolutely you do. But a family holiday needs to, as far as possible, suit the whole family.

So I hope she does enjoy it when you go.

debbriana · 27/03/2015 21:39

Get a grip. You can't force her to like camper vans

Purplepoodle · 27/03/2015 21:41

You sound like a great mum.and said the right thing to her about other people's feelings and you gave her a choice. I'm sure she will come round once your away

Shockers · 27/03/2015 21:50

OP... I am absolutely sure you will make every effort to ensure your whole family enjoys the break you and your DH are paying for.

Whilst we are all aware that our teens have rights too, perhaps we should remember that until they have the ready cash to treat the whole family to a fortnight in the Caribbean, perhaps the slight inconvenience of a UK break with those who love them is not too much of a hardship to bear Wink.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 27/03/2015 22:38

Do teens really holiday with their families?

I stopped going on the family holiday when I was about 12, preferring to holiday with friends on school trips or with friends families if they could take a friend, where we pretty much just got on with our own thing as soon as we landed!

My sis only went for so long with my parents as they took a friend or two for her with them.

Could you arrange a group camping trip with other families with similar aged DC so it didn't feel like an intensive nuclear family trip, might be more popular perhaps?

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