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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take my 13yo on holiday?

75 replies

FightingFires · 27/03/2015 15:24

We have a lovely camper van, which we got last year after talking and planning it for ages. We had two l lovely holidays in it last year, before the Teen Mist descended. Apparently now the van is "meh" and she just doesn't like it anymore.

I sat her down last week and pointed out she was being rather selfish, and her attitude to my holiday was mean, and spoiling it for me. Although there was eye rolling, she has dropped the sarky comments.

However she refuses to be involved in any planning, and "doesn't care where we go, I'm only going to be nice to you mum". All she just wants is to be sleeping over at friends' houses and mooning at boys over facetime.

I'm sat here in floods as I feel like I've lost her. She was always so lovely and we were so close.

I'm also tempted to tell her to forget it and she can go to her dad's house for the holidays. Ungrateful brat.

Help me see some reason please?

OP posts:

Flipchart · 27/03/2015 22:58

Baby Of course teens go on holiday with their families!!
Half term this year was the first one DS2 missed but he had other stuff to do but we are going away at the end of May and two weeks in August and a week in October.
DS1 who is nearly 19 comes skiing with us once a year and also comes away on weekends away several times a year. I have been away with DS for a week this year.

DS1 is already planning next years trip. He also goes away with his girlfriend and for the past 3 years has a week with his mates in July.

antumbra · 27/03/2015 23:07

My 15 yo DD would go on a girly holiday with me at the drop of a hat. A week in Greece or Tenerife, she would love it. Not sure about a camper van though.
Perhaps if the holiday was a bit more appealing to your DD she would be keen.

Sorry - I wouldn't want a holiday in a camper van either. Holidays are more than just about the parent's wishes.

Original poster

FightingFires · 27/03/2015 23:09

What exactly should I do with her babe? If not take her on holiday with us? She's 13, not 17.

That's a rhetorical question just for AIBU fiends

OP posts:

Original poster

FightingFires · 27/03/2015 23:11

A holiday in Tenerife chills my blood at the very thought. Sorry.

It's about my wishes when I'm paying for it.

OP posts:

Flipchart · 27/03/2015 23:14

It's about my wishes when I'm paying for it.
Way to go with keeping everyone happy!!

Molichite · 27/03/2015 23:24

i think the utter lack of alone time at that age can be a hugely big deal. Geeky is wise. Take DD1, and try to give her some space while you're away.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 27/03/2015 23:29

Sorry, I'm just didn't realise teens went away with families willingly, (without friends) Its just not something that happens in my circles. We have had my teenage niece a few times for the odd week here and there as she hasn't gone on the family holiday, me and my friends didn't go, we arranged to stay at friends houses, or friends came with, or stayed home from 14/15. (this was 15 years ago and close relationships with neighbours so I realise this probably not often possible.)

Sorry I really wasn't being off... I still think a group camping trip would be more appealing to your teen op, do you know any other families that might like to go? Or at least her own tent to camp in next to the camper?

Original poster

FightingFires · 27/03/2015 23:40

There's a spare tent if she wants one, for space, but I very much doubt she'd sleep out alone.

I've put a load of her favourite films on my laptop so she can slope off in the evenings and watch them if she wants.

I'm not trying to punish her with this trip. It's supposed to be nice. I get that not everyone enjoys camping, but it's been planned for longer than she's been a teenager, there's no money for girlie holidays in Greece, and I actually think she'll like it when she's there.

OP posts:

Flipchart · 27/03/2015 23:51

baby I can only imagine what holidays would be like without teenagers.
DS2 - the 15 year old has our holidays sorted for the next god knows how many years and DS1 is up for coming on some of them!!

(I don't mind really)

reni1 · 27/03/2015 23:57

I bet she'll really enjoy it. The sudden change from child to teen was a shock to you, it will have been to her as well. This gives her a chance to be a child for a few days, build dens, run around and stuff like that without the worry of her friends watching. A holiday from being grown up.

antumbra · 28/03/2015 07:02

It's about my wishes when I'm paying for it.

And there is your problem OP.

For us holidays have always been about a balance. They are about enjoying time as a family, not just a reward for the hard work of the parents.
When the kids were younger OH and I may haved loved exploring the cafe scene in Sccily or the spice markets of Marrakesh, but as we could afford only one holidays year we chose holidays that all members of the family would enjoy.

For us a family holiday has to contain some elements that every family member will find pleasurable.

We still holiday with our 15 year old and 18 year old- and they enjoy coming with us because they know that their needs are being catered for rather than just being a jolly for the parents.

OP if you feel it's a holiday for you only then perhaps it would be best being that way and leave your DD behind.

Flipchart · 28/03/2015 10:04

Well you carry on with your attitude and I'm not surprised she doesn't want to go.
To me, once I had a family it was about creating good times and happy memories together. What is great for a 4, 8,13 or whatever year old is completely different from an adult.
I would never have chosen a certain resort in Spain ( and I love Spain) if I didn't have children, I would never have gone camping in France year in year out and pick family friendly sites if I didn't have DS1 and 2 with me but what I have got is fantastic memories, photographs and reminders of fun times and the boys still talk of things we got up to.

Compromise is the answer and you should have your kids wanting to come with you for many years if that is what you want. ( I do even though DS1 is nearly 19.
I love the four of us going to new places and having a giggle and enjoying each others company.we all throw ideas around and we all take turns in choosing where we go. Last year it was DS2's turn, this year I've picked and Ds1is next time ( although DS2 is trying to influence him!)

Original poster

FightingFires · 28/03/2015 13:08

I don't have an attitude problem

I've had great advice and thoughts on this thread and I'm very grateful.

This is the holiday we are having, it's booked and paid for and there is no alternative, even if we wanted one. I'm confident we will have a great time, she is happy to come and has always enjoyed previous similar holidays. The tips on here re not pushing her to be part of the planning and making sure she has her own space will really help, I'm sure.

However, I do recognise this is AIBU and some of you live to stick the knife in. Happily I have a very thick skin.

OP posts:

Ilovefluffysheep · 28/03/2015 13:13

baby, I think thats a shame you're not aware of any teens holidaying with parents. My two are 16 and 17 and love holidays as much as I do. There is no question of them not coming, and in fact we are just discussing what we are going to do next year when they will be 17 and 18!

We cruise, which they adore, but also camp, which they love. We're going to the Lake District in may half term. DD will be revising for GCSE so won't be doing a lot, DS is going to take his bike if I can borrow a carrier so he can go off and explore. I will just spend a lot of time in the hot tub! We're then off to the States for 3 weeks with a stop in Rome on the way home.

They're actually pretty horrified if I suggest any holidays without them, and apparently I am banned from every doing a disney cruise without them, no matter how old they all are.

However, I've said this before on mumsnet, I seem to be fairly unusual on here in the relationship I have with my kids. I'm far closer to them than any of their friends are with their parents. I left them this week for the first time for 3 nights (had previously left them for one night before) and I got huge hugs when i got home, both telling me how much they missed me, and it felt really nice to be home.

Op, I think although your DD is complaining, once you're away from the situation it will be fine and she will probably behave a bit more like her old self. If you can pry away the phone and other gadgets for a while, then even better!

UncertainSmile · 28/03/2015 13:19

It's one more of the 'little deaths' that parents experience as kids grow older. It's why so many of us were in tears over Toy Story 3.

finnbarrcar · 28/03/2015 13:31

Mines are 14 and 18 and they still enjoy holidays with us..don't understand the attitude of some people who clearly think there's something "weird" about teens actually wanting to spend time with their parents.

She's only 13 OP, she can't be dictating the family holiday. I think you're pandering to her too much and she thinks she's the one in control.

Flipchart · 28/03/2015 13:51

Fair enough Op it was just the It's about my wishes when I'm paying for it! that sounded stroppy.

Flipchart · 28/03/2015 14:01

She's only 13 OP, she can't be dictating the family holiday. I think you're pandering to her too much and she thinks she's the one in control.

I don't think it's about dictating but compromising. I mean who,no matter what their age, wants to go somewhere or do something that will( they think) will bore them stupid. I wouldn't.
All the DD was hearing from Ops first post was mum going on about herself ( holiday that the dd doesn't want is spoiling it for mum) well to be honesty wouldn't want want to stuck in a camper when I was 13 and going to dads would have been the better option.

All the post was about was about mums wants whether the daughter liked it or not and then to round it off mum thinks she's an ungrateful brat!

As I said before part of the key to successful holidays I have found is to listen to what every one wants and talk to each other, not one just stream roll ahead with their idea of good fun. Blimey, if I did that we would have had every holiday on a mountain in Slovakia which would have not gone down well!

antumbra · 28/03/2015 15:08

flipchart- I completely agree.
The OP sounds rather soilt and selfish to be thinking only of her own needs like that.

We have always considered the whole family as a whole, even from when they were tiny.

As a result I have an 18 yo and a 15 yo who still enjoy family holidays.

Nos something the OP will probably experience.

antumbra · 28/03/2015 15:17

ha ha- typo OP is spoilt.

diddl · 28/03/2015 15:26

I think that it's a case of letting her make some decisions & some time alone when there.

My kids would love to do x, y, z.

We can't afford it, so it can't happen.

OP, what holiday would she like & is it beyond you?

I hate camping, sounds as if she does too now, but you love it.

If it's camping or nothing, fair enough though.

If not, perhaps you could have a different family holiday & then go camping withpit her whilst she sees her dad/stays with friends.

TowerRavenSeven · 28/03/2015 15:30

Fighting Fires don't think you have done anything for her to not tell you anything! I have a ds, 13 as well in December and he's never been one to share much either. He's very very private and has been from day one. I learn more from my friend's dd in 10 minutes then I hear from him in months.

We have been more than supporting, understanding, approachable, etc. it's not you, it's her! I've had 'fr enemies' tell me my child didn't trust me because they didn't blather on about how they feel. It took me years to realize that simply wasn't true because he did tell us things that were Really important. But day to day? It's not you!

Original poster

FightingFires · 28/03/2015 16:30

Haha, I'm so not spoiled, but thank you for the character assassination.

She loved camping last year, and until a couple of months ago was looking forward to this.

She doesn't want to go on holiday at all. She wants to stay at home and see her friends.

Any other holiday is not financially possible anyway at the moment. We have had other types though and she's enjoyed those too.

OP posts:

GreenPetal94 · 28/03/2015 17:30

She is too young to stay at home alone surely, so why is this negotiable? Just cheerily plan a place to go and assume she is going.

Flipchart · 28/03/2015 17:43

Why not let her go to her dads if tht is wht she wants?

You can enjoy your camper in peace.

Not being funny, serious option. I often go away, both abroad or stay in the UK by myself and enjoy the solitude and freedom.

Flip

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