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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- friends 'push present'

101 replies

selly24 · 27/03/2015 15:02

Perhaps I am sensitive as I believe in thoughtful, modest giving in any case but feel I have learnt something new about a friend I consider close. She has just had first baby and was posting on social media asking advice about which new practical bag to get. Her dilemma was between a few very very high end designer bags that cost SEVERAL THOUSAND POUNDS! When I queried wether she should buy a FLAT instead she said 'come on its my push present'. I never knew such a thing existed (Surely the 'gift' is a healthy beautiful child!?) I thought I knew this girl, admired her for her lack of materialism, common sense: seems totally out of character as although (her husband) earns a good salary, they have a few nice things- but they got a lot of baby gear at nct sale, 2nd hand crib etc.... Thought her priorities were different....

OP posts:
Meloria · 27/03/2015 17:35

Maybe the fact you think less of someone for posting on Facebook about a handbag is the reason you have few female friends.

Her having a handbag as a gift and asking for opinions on which one doesn't mean she's a shallow, materialistic idiot. And if the man doesn't spend a good few hundred on a bag and puts it towards their savings, how much closer will they be to a flat? 0.01% or something like that. It's not as simple as don't buy bag, buy flat instead.

chocoluvva · 27/03/2015 18:09

Aww - you're getting a hard time OP. It's disappointing when you discover something you don't like about a friend.

FWIW - I like to think that if I could afford an expensive bag and was interested in bags I wouldn't post on FB, but she's still your nice friend. It's just that she doesn't have quite as much in common with you as you thought. Don't give up on her if this is her only 'flaw' or one of her few flaws - she'll need the support of her friends now with the sleepless nights etc.

Fauxlivia · 27/03/2015 18:14

From your OP, I think she was using the phrase in a tongue in cheek way rather thsn seriously, but either way, there are worse things to discover about a friend than a love for expensive handbags!

londonrach · 27/03/2015 18:19

Back in the 1970s it was tradition for the father of tge aby to give a present to the mother of her child. My mother got a watch that matched her engagement ring when i was born. This watch was used daily until it finally died a few years ago. Mum put it in her jewerary box where it still is. Its special as it marked to occasion she became a mum. If ever i have a baby dh will get hints. Dont care what it is but its the link to the fact your life has changed.

londonrach · 27/03/2015 18:20

The baby!!!!! Ipad fail

33goingon64 · 27/03/2015 18:27

Most women I know got a ring from their partners for giving birth. I hated the thought, the baby was enough of a gift, but DH bought me an ipad as it was mothers day a few days later. Ipad with a newborn was MUCH more useful than a handbag or a ring. But, each to their own.

BestZebbie · 27/03/2015 18:27

Buying second-hand items doesn't actually make you superior to someone who buys new items....you haven't discovered a concealed moral flaw in your friend like a hobby teasing kittens or a past as a high-school smack dealer or something...

I8toys · 27/03/2015 18:29

Horrible but then I have no interest really in material things. I believe if you want the best, most popular, trendiest item/thing you will never be happy because as soon as you get it - it will be out of fashion and will have lost its shine.

My babies meant everything to me when they arrived. Everything else did not matter at all. She needs to prioritise at to what is really important.

NerrSnerr · 27/03/2015 18:31

Rereading the OP, I think the comment on her priorities is quite cruel. She's just had a baby, why shouldn't she have the bag (unless buying it means her baby is going to go without nappies or something).

CactusAnnie · 27/03/2015 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Diplomum · 27/03/2015 18:37

Might she be from Scandinavia by any chance? A 'push present' is absolutely common here, and sounds much better than when it is translated into English! Most new mums I know here have had jewellery, but some have had spa weekends or other experiences.

Original poster
selly24 · 27/03/2015 18:50

Paintedpink, I think the ring is totally different. How lovely. For you and your children. It us a future heirloom to be passed down the generations. A bag, however well made it may be, I think is different. If friend hadn't spread her intentions all over the internet I would have prob seen her with the bag asked about it and she said it was a gift from her husband for the birth of her LO would have Saud 'oh how lovely ' andtgat would have been that. In the real world though, as others have said it IS NONE of my God Damn business,I realise and have had a bit of a reality check. I need to chill!???? MUMSNET STYLE!

OP posts:
Original poster
selly24 · 27/03/2015 18:58

Naturally, I know that a decent bag costs several hundred. However friend from OP is contemplating spending SEVERAL THOUSAND

OP posts:
sonjadog · 27/03/2015 19:08

So what? She can spend what she likes as long as you aren't expected to cough up for it.

Your friend is not you. She does not have to think and behave exactly like you would. I think you maybe need to work on accepting other people's individuality and that they can choose differently from you without automatically being in the wrong.

Skiptonlass · 27/03/2015 19:21

There's nothing wrong with buying your partner a gift - I know several friends who have eternity rings after the birth of their first.

There's a LOT wrong with bragging on FB about your terrible 'which seven grand bag shall I have, oh the dilemma!'

I know the type - living out their narcissism on FB, it's a bit grim. Especially when so many are strapped for cash. In very poor taste.

To summarise, it's not the buying of an expensive gift that bugs me, it's the look-at-me antics on FB.

CocobearSqueeze · 27/03/2015 19:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 27/03/2015 19:27

Naturally, I know that a decent bag costs several hundred. However friend from OP is contemplating spending SEVERAL THOUSAND

And? It's their money and probably a once in a lifetime chance to get something that fancy. I simply can't understand why it's so important to you that your friend have exactly the same attitudes as you. She might even be the kind of person who's happy for someone else who is doing something nice.

squoosh · 27/03/2015 19:37

Several hundred pounds on a bag I can understand, several thousand on a handbag however. Keraziness!

I'd judge it as a stupid purchase but wouldn't necessarily write them off as a stupid person.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/03/2015 20:09

What one parent chooses to do to mark the arrival of their child or to show thanks to the other is a totally personal thing

lomega · 27/03/2015 20:12

Push present?!! Eww.

That phrase is grim!!

If she can afford it YABU, it's up to her.

viva100 · 27/03/2015 21:05

How does owning an expensive bag make a person a worse friend? Hmm And you're disappointed bc she doesn't have the same financial worries as you? So you can't be friends with someone making more money than you? Yabu. And weird.

Charlotte3333 · 27/03/2015 21:14

I'm going to admit to something here which I've never, ever admitted to since DS2 was born 4 years ago.

During labour (he was one of those enormous-headed heifer babies that get stuck half-way) my waters broke, he came out and just as he did, a huge gush of fluid also came out. DH and the midwives all got soaked (when I say huge, I mean like a frigging tidal wave, it was like Godzilla emerging from the Pacific Ocean). Underneath my bed in the hospital was my everyday handbag, a Mulberry I'd bought with my first ever pay-packet years ago. It got destroyed by the vile slop and, whilst I know the healthy baby was the best gift, I admit I had a little cry at the loss of such a beautiful bag. In my defence I'd just pushed out a 10lb meathead, I was due a little weep.

I said nothing, life carried on as normal and we forgot all about it. A month or so later, a parcel arrived at the house addressed for me and DH had gone out and bought me a lovely shiny new Mulberry bag to replace the old one. No mention of push present (I so dislike that phrase), but it was by far the best thing he's ever done for me.

So yes, ultimately, I got a handbag for having a baby. And I'm not even sorry. Sometimes it's ok to hanker after a tiny bit of loveliness, and so long as you're still a good parent at the end of it, a little bit of beauty dangling off your arm won't hurt anyone.

Original poster
selly24 · 27/03/2015 23:02

Lovely story there. Much deserved replacement !
If friend was considering a Mulbery I would applaud her. UK made, exceptional quality, good value. But no, more than double the cost of the most expensive Mulberry for a v small bag

OP posts:
UnsolvedMystery · 27/03/2015 23:29

I don't understand why you even care, let alone why you would end a friendship over her choice to spend her own money that she can afford on a very expensive handbag.
Her money, her business, your judgement of her is awful.

gincamelbak · 27/03/2015 23:37

Ooh, ooh! I got a push present each time!

Well, with #1 I needed new non maternity trousers shortly after birth so h offered to buy me them (fat face. Wearing them again now #2 is here) amd for #2 h offered to buy me a nice nappy bag so I chose a babymel one. Huzzah for me!

Plus I got the babies. Hurrah!

I don't care if people get presents or not or if they think presents are daft. It's nobody else's business really.

OP YABU about your friend.

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