was I too truthful with my teen?

[AnnagrammaHawkins]

Have seven kids ages 20 to 4. Had my first when I was 14. Have twin daughters aged 14 now. One of them has just confessed to being ten weeks pregnant. We discussed everything last night and I tried to express to her how hard having kids young is and how much she will struggle as she had built up this image in her head of playing happy families in a house of her own etc. Which just isn't the case. Long story short I may have said something along lines of if I had my time over I wouldn't of had kids so young - I had 5 kids by the time I was 20 and it was Damn hard. She is now refusing to listen to anything I say on the basis that I must never have loved them anyway and am obviously not a good mother (Grr). How can I get her to understand just how big of an impact this will have on her life And also the lives of her family (not that we are important I just mean that she needs to consider others around her as well). I will support her and love her no matter what but I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybodY. I tried telling her about how hard it is and what I did and how hard we worked but she accused me of trying to scare her by lying. She's too young to remember the really hard times but even when i asked her older siblings to tell her what it was like she just started screaming at me and locked herself in her room. She's gone to school today and I just don't know what to do when she gets back - how to make her listen to me. I'm scared I was too truthful with her all at once and now I have ruined my chances of getting through to her and helping her make proper informed choices. What do I do?!

Have you found out who the father is and his age?

Omg OP I feel for you. Probably your best bet is her older sibling (s) here, can they talk to her? Someone else she might listen to? Do you have siblings? Her father? I think you were right to be open and honest and I'm sure once she's calmed down she will understand you POV. Do you know the father? He needs to be involved in this too.
I hope she does calm down very quickly and realises how much she is going to need you whatever path she ultimately chooses. And obviously those decisions need to be made extremely quickly too.

Father is her boyfriend of four months who is also 14 Which is very disappointing as we have had safe sex talks and she told me they were waiting until their one year anniversary at the earliest and we had agreed to review contraception at that point as she had promised me she didn't need it yet :( boyfriend comes to our house quite alot but only downstairs in family time and upstairs they have to have door open and be prepared for intruders as she shares with her twin. She doesn't go to his house but she did go to a sleepover for a friend's birthday a few months ago which I am assuming is where this happened or she told a lie about it (twin was also going to the sleepover and they were both invited. I picked them up and dropped them off at the sleepover house so had no cause at the time to think she was anywhere else..........I think she just assumes that because we are alright now and had so many kids that its easy but it was hard work! Me And her dad worked two full time jobs each from age 16 to when o had the twins and studies around that. My parents where a maskive help for childcare and they let us live in their Annex rent free so we could save up more for our own place. We ended up buying two dirt cheap terraced houses that needed work in a rough area and slowly over the years turning them into a big seven bedroom house for us to all live in. Ive worked my way up in work to be a manager in the shop and her dad now half runs a business. I can reduce my hours by maybe 5 a week at work to help her with childcare but it won't be enough and her dad can't help. Her siblings might be able to help around their studies but it's not fair to expect them to have to do that. We would have to give up our bedroom for daughter, boyfriend and baby and move into the office to be able to accommodate them at home until they are old enough to move out. And I don't know if she'd even be eligible for any benefits as I know they would have to go through me and her dad and we don't qualify for an awful lot ourselves so if she expecting to get full working tax etc
I think she is going to be disappointed. It'll be a hhuge financial burden on us And don't get me wrong if this is what she chooses as an informed decision then I will suck it up and help her I just want her to be 100% on her options and know what she is going into :(..... Think you are right might have to get her dad to try talking to her as I was getting nowhere last night.

You could also ask someone independant to talk to her - a teacher or support worker at school, a medical professional (she will need a GP check up and they may refer here somewhere anyway), or a midwife, social services or something - all will be involved later on anyway.

How about finding some young single mums for her to talk to, so they can tell her about their experiences? Any of the above organisations could probably help with this.

Has she thought about how she would support the baby? Where they would live etc? I know you would help her, but is she just making an assumption that you will without realising the effects it could have on family income and daily live?

What are you thinking are the alternatives to her having the baby? If you're thinking of termination, then, to me at least, that is a much harder thing to live with than actually having the baby - and not always the best option. If she does chose this, there may be repurcussions down the line that will be difficult for everyone.

If she's only just confessed to you, I would leave her calm down a bit, then engineer an opportunity to have a conversation somewhere where she can't get away - on a car journey perhaps.

It's just an impossible situation. I personally would feel termination is the best option but as the poster above shows everyone sees these things differently.

Gosh, it's hard, but I fear you're fighting a losing battle. It doesn't really matter what you 'tell her'. What you've shown her is that this is normal and that things will be okay. Words are not so powerful versus the experience of her whole life in the context of your family, sorry. I hope I'm wrong and you find a way to help her understand. What could anyone have said to you in her situation?

You can't make her understand, she literally can't, even if she wanted to, which it sounds very much like she doesn't. I didn't understand how hard kids were until I had them - nobody does. All she knows is how she feels. Have you asked her how she honestly feels? Maybe she loves the baby (I did when I found out I was 4wks pregnant)! She might feel silly saying this to you, but it's not silly, it's normal and natural, and she needs to understand from you that she has your support either way - you need to open the door you closed when you tried to persuade her of something she didn't want to hear. Stop telling her how it was/will be (she won't believe you and you'll alienate her). Try listening to how she feels and expressing support. I hate apologiding to kids, but in this case, honestly, I would. You need to mend your relationship because whatever happens she really needs you right now.

Instead of making general remarks about how difficult she would find it, you could try asking her where she proposes to live and how she will manage childcare. Do the boy's parents know ? If she keeps the baby there are some serious practicalities to consider.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time op. I'm sure she probably thinks she's a very grown up miss but her reaction to what you said says it all. I would just try to reassure that it's not because you don't love them or care about them, it's that you've been in her situation and know the struggles. Maybe write her a letter telling her that and that she can talk to you about anything whenever she's ready because she is going to need help from you and her dad now. Get some books or magazines about pregnancy so that she's clued up about everything that pregnancy and birth involves.
As for the financial burden, I believe that as her parents, you can claim benefits for her and the baby. There's also the sure start maternity grant. Healthy start vouchers. Talk to the cab.

(But to answer your specific question, YANBU. You have to be truthful now. These situations don't benefit from sugar-coating. You aren't saying you don't love her or didn't want her. Just as no single mum she talks to will say her child is a mistake. But that doesn't mean you'd have done differently if you'd known the reality of all your options. Her reaction - getting mad at / misinterpreting you - sadly shows her immaturity. Oh dear, this is so hard.)

I don't think you were too honest, no. I think all of us no matter how ready/prepared we are know how hard it is until we're in the thick of it and I for one have had the "why the hell did nobody tell me" moments.

I think you have done the right thing in giving her a reality check but would give her some space for now to take it in. Then I would reiterate that you love all of your children but it is the hardest job in the world and you would have preferred to do it when you were older/more prepared and stable. Then acknowledge that it is her choice where she goes from here and you will do all you can to help her but you will not be raising this baby

I agree with the idea of thrashing out the details with her. If she wants to continue with the pregnancy talk about her health and such. Start to build in conversations about logistics. Write down a list of all the things (ideally together) that need a plan. Then task her with planning, you input suggestions, so can others. My mum had me as a teenager and no. She shouldn't have in many ways. I remember as a teen the same angry reaction re her loving me. But it only stuck with me long term because she STILL is on all that (well we're NC - physical emotional abuse).
Remember her hormones are going crazy. Focus on the next steps. What a situation! Do his parents know? They might need an advocate. My mum did.

Could she be pleased that she is pregnant? By the fact she refused the contraception I'm just wondering if it was her intention to get pregnant. She wouldn't be the first at that age to idealise having a child and deliberately set out to make it happen. Just something to bear in mind when you chat to her.
Thinking of you OP

I agree with others who have mentioned finding someone else to talk with her. She needs to know she has your support no matter what but it is important for her to know the realities of the situation. I know she hasn't reacted well so far but she is likely very scared. Finding the right combination of supportive and realistic is hard.

One thing to consider is she may not even be able to claim tax credits and similar at the moment. I saw a programme about teenage mothers and one of the girls said she couldn't claim because she was too young (not sure what age you have to be, over sixteen?) and her mother had to claim on her behalf. You might need to speak to tax credits about that issue.

I would also suggest not allowing the boyfriend to move in if she has the baby, the fact she is pregnant doesn't mean they are ready to live together as a couple and it is likely to make the relationship implode that much quicker. It might be better to support her with the baby at your home and allow him to visit and help but not actually live there. I used to watch a lot of 'Sixteen and Pregnant' and having the boyfriend move in never seemed to work because they aren't mature enough to live together.

On that note actually it might be worth getting her to watch Sixteen and Pregnant, it is generally a good does of reality. It shows the teen couples struggling after baby is born and how much they have to deal with. It might feel more accessible to her because it is from the perspective of girl's her own age in her situation. It does show very well the realities of what she will be having to deal with and may make her better equipped for what is to come.

There are also a couple (Catelynn and Tyler) who gave their baby up for adoption if that is an option is is considered and it follows their journey.

This is a really difficult situation but I just wanted to say you are doing great so far, she has felt confident enough to tell you early on. A lot of teenage mothers hide their pregnancies for fear of parental response and miss of on vital medical care for themselves and the baby.

I second other posters' comments. I also wonder if the best approach would be to calmly ask her some basic questions that might make her realise the reality of the situation, such as ...

Where will she live with the baby and for how long? Who will look after the baby when she is at school? How will she feed the baby if she needs to return to school? How will she pay for childcare? Who will pay for the baby's needs? What will she do if the baby has special needs and requires extra care?

If she says she will live with you, ask her in which room. Do not suggest you will move out of your bedroom for her. If she is prepared to be a mother, she must be prepared to take responsibility for her choices and she needs to become aware that the world does not change to accommodate her.

Again, ask her what the situation with this boyfriend will be. If he moves in, who will pay his living costs? If he intends to remain living at home, how often will she expect to see him?

Again, does she want to sit her GCSEs? Because she may find that she misses too much school to be able to sit them when the rest of her cohort does -- and she needs to realise that life without GCSEs these days is very hard indeed and she will need to take them at some point. So you need to ask her when she plans to do this.

You are fighting a bit of a losing battle here OP. she sees that this happened to you at exactly the same age and you managed and therefore she will as well. can both parents sit down with her and talk about the practicalities - who will look after the baby whilst she finishes at school (4 yrs as she has to stay on until she is 18), where will she live etc. also, I would absolutely involve the boyfriend and his parents in this as otherwise it looks like it is all on her. you did brilliantly well when it happened to you but sadly I think you are probably the exception rather than the rule and your dd needs to realise this. I would certainly speak to other professionals and get them involved. if she does go ahead she is going to need masses of support. I agree with others, I think she wanted a baby so talking termination is probably not an idea. In some ways all of this would have been a lot easier if you hadn't had the same experience and done so well but you are where you are and all you can do is just calmly ask her all the questions and say "right you are the mum now, you tell me what you are going to do" Its hard to detach but you might need to do this for a bit to get her to realise the enormity of all of this.

What a difficult situation op. I would go with a pp suggestion and try to talk to her as you would an adult. How do her and bf propose to deal with money, benefits etc, where will they live, how will she deal with school?I think that there's a world of difference between supporting them (which it sounds like you would do) and taking the responsibility for them. If you asked her to deal with the benefits side of it, ie investigate what she would be entitled to etc, how do you think she'd cope? If she'd struggle it might give her a tiniest glimpse into her future. Make sure that she understand that this is her and her bfs baby and their responsibility (of course whilst understanding yourself that you'll end up sorting this out). Sorry op, sounds so hard.

X posted with works but agree with her post. Ask questions rather than providing solutions. I really wouldn't go with saying "Me and your dad will have to move out of our room", "This will be a huge financial burden for us" -it might be better to ask where she intends to stay, has she spoken to her siblings about this?

I'd ask her where she was thinking about living and what she was going to do for money.

Id just be pushing it on to her to think about while making it crystal clear I wouldn't be babysitting or housing them or doing anything apart from the odd visit as a granny.

Your default position is to give up hours at work to childmind and do a lot for her - and while I understand this totally on an emotional level this is HER baby and you are done having yours.

Do you want another baby ? I suspect not as at 34 you'd have just had one if you wanted to.

She has the idea Shes going to play Mum and you're going to do all the providing - you need to disabuse her of that.

You're clearly an amazing woman to have done all that by your age but having children at 14 is mostly a completely daft idea.

I've had 4 girls here over the years and I've told all of them that they can't have babies while living here and that they would be going into the assisted mother and baby home if they were to get pregnant - a fabulous place by the way that does amazing work.

Maybe you could consider contacting social services to visit one?

Fellow teen mum here waves

Do you remember what it was like, the fear of telling your parents?
How they would react? And they reacted exactly how you expected, or worse!

(If only I (personally) had been given some support and positive words at that time, I wouldn't have been so fearful of SS coming to take my daughter away or someone reporting me for being a terrible mum.
However no one did and I've gone on to get married, buy my own home and have 4 brilliant children.)

Maybe SHOW her your being supportive, give her some info leaflets on teen parenting and some phone numbers for support groups. Sit her down and have an un-sugar coated adult chat about what's going to happen whilst reminding her your being supportive.

I think you need to ask her some hard questions and you may well be surprised at the answers.

So, how will she support this baby financially?
Where will she live?
How will she continue her education?
What will she do for childcare?
How much does it cost to feed/clothe/provide for the baby?

It has to be cold, harsh, reality. Having watched a fair few 16 and pregnant or the ones where teens give the babies up for adoption shows how little they are prepared for, not just financially but emotionally and mentally.

I think some teens believe that their life will pretty much carry on as normal but with a baby around. I had two friends at school who had a baby at 15 and 16 respectively. Was quite astounding how many friends they lost after the baby was born and they couldn't hang out or party anymore.

My best advice is to get one of those dolls that acts like a real baby, needs feeding, changing, wakes up through the night and so on.

Give her that for two weeks of the Easter holidays.

That will give her the best reality of motherhood.

So sorry OP. Sounds like history repeating itself. If she can't understand you saying that you'd have rather had children later in life then she definitely sounds too childish to be a mother. How heartbreaking

Find a film about young girls having actual life - parties, boys and simple life. Show it to her without trying to persuade her in to watching. After that talk stuff like "I wish I could do this and this."
It worked for me. I read a book about girls hitchhiking across Europefrom Estonia to Ibiza. Week after I was demanding an abortion.

I do believe that she won't be entitled to claim child benefit because she is under 16 and you are still claiming for her as she is under 16.

Have a look on Gingerbread for teen parent benefits