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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

was I too truthful with my teen?

68 replies

AnnagrammaHawkins · 27/03/2015 10:55

Have seven kids ages 20 to 4. Had my first when I was 14. Have twin daughters aged 14 now. One of them has just confessed to being ten weeks pregnant. We discussed everything last night and I tried to express to her how hard having kids young is and how much she will struggle as she had built up this image in her head of playing happy families in a house of her own etc. Which just isn't the case. Long story short I may have said something along lines of if I had my time over I wouldn't of had kids so young - I had 5 kids by the time I was 20 and it was Damn hard. She is now refusing to listen to anything I say on the basis that I must never have loved them anyway and am obviously not a good mother (Grr). How can I get her to understand just how big of an impact this will have on her life And also the lives of her family (not that we are important I just mean that she needs to consider others around her as well). I will support her and love her no matter what but I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybodY. I tried telling her about how hard it is and what I did and how hard we worked but she accused me of trying to scare her by lying. She's too young to remember the really hard times but even when i asked her older siblings to tell her what it was like she just started screaming at me and locked herself in her room. She's gone to school today and I just don't know what to do when she gets back - how to make her listen to me. I'm scared I was too truthful with her all at once and now I have ruined my chances of getting through to her and helping her make proper informed choices. What do I do?!

OP posts:

NeedABumChange · 27/03/2015 13:15

Good advice from quitelikely Our local secondary school has them and our local sexual health also lends them out to parents to be. Could you see if anywhere local to you does the same?

Maliceaforethought · 27/03/2015 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morelikeguidelines · 27/03/2015 13:26

Such a hard situation. There is no "winning" answer here (I.e. No option that will make it all OK again) but conversely not answer that is necessarily the end of the world.

Having a termination would let her get on with her life, education etc. But it will still stay with her for life and should only happen if it's her decision.

Keeping the baby will be really hard as you rightly point out. But she has got a loving, supportive family and education and jobs will still be there when she is ready to go back

to you all.

Quitelikely · 27/03/2015 13:28

If someone had given me one of those dolls I doubt I would have had any children!

sebsmummy1 · 27/03/2015 13:29

I really think the horse has bolted now and you need to start sorting out practicalities. Has she registered with the GP as pregnant and got into the system with the local midwifery team? If not you really need to get her booking in appointment organised as her 12 week scan is in a fortnight and if there are twins in the family there could be two babies not the one that's being discussed currently.

Trying to pressure a teenage girl to give up her pregnancy seems a quick way to fuck someone up, particularly as she's quite far along now. So I think forget that train of thought and get straight into practicalities. Will the council help with accommodation? Does the boy's family know and if so what are their thoughts on the financial side of things? Is she on track with her studies and do the school know? There are lots of things to do and people to speak to and I think you're going to have to take a deep breath and go with it no matter how devastated you feel right now.

Naty1 · 27/03/2015 13:44

I agree with a pp about her watching 16 and pg/ teen mom
Of all the couples 1 are still tog (the ones who gave up baby.

Does she really want to stay with a boy from when she is 14 (tog 4mths) for the rest of her life. And trust him to
Provide for her
Not cheat
Take resp equally for baby without her missing all her education and him carrying on as usual
Including him being able to go out enjoy himself with mates

In rl the 2 teen mom situations i know of both the grandmothers ended up looking after the dc and the mums didnt bond with them well/at all. Possibly the GP took over too much or that maybe a girl who doesnt listen and is having underage sex etc is unlikely to possibly change and decide to be responsible (and maybe takes parents for granted/is a bit immature/selfish.)
Get her to gp factually like 1/4 pg in mc before 12w so it may not be an issue. And she would need to be booked for a scan to date pg as she could be further/not as far as she thinks.
I think its likely this was a result of more than just once at a sleepover. As chances of pg are like 20% over a month with regular sex. As she refused the BC it does sound possibly intentional.
The benefit system is changing, with UC

cabbageandgravy · 27/03/2015 14:03

Gosh OP what a bomb to go off under your life! No direct experience at all I'm afraid, but did want to share that I have heard teen Mums are pretty quickly pushed (forced?) into GCSE's etc - someone I know came across teen who was sent to college to complete english & maths etc from weeks post partum, baby in creche I think (all a bit third hand, sorry)

Seems awful for bb and mother, (in fact I considered starting a thread about it at the time) - but something else yr daughter might have to take on board?

Really hoping you can work this out together. Hope her twin is OK too - will be tough for her I should imagine?

cabbageandgravy · 27/03/2015 14:04

Two weeks pp I think it was?

Clutterbugsmum · 27/03/2015 15:02

I can reduce my hours by maybe 5 a week at work to help her with childcare but it won't be enough and her dad can't help. Why should you, especially as you cost are going to increase.

Her siblings might be able to help around their studies but it's not fair to expect them to have to do that. No they shouldn't. they can help if they want too, but they shouldn't be expected to.

We would have to give up our bedroom for daughter, boyfriend and baby and move into the office to be able to accommodate them Why would her boyfriend be at your house at all over night. Can you rearrange so pg twin move to a smaller room and other twin shares with another sibling.

I think you and your DH need to have at talk with both dd, the boyfriend and his parents to discuss what going to happen.

LittleBairn · 27/03/2015 15:31

YANBU your daughters immaturity suggests your worries are right.

My parents had me in their teens they were always open about the fact it was tough and they wished they had been older when I arrived. I could understand that and never felt resented even as a kid.
I took ther advice to heart and actually avoid sex in my teens in order to guarantee I wouldn't be a teen mum.

My sister got pregnant at the same age as my mum, my mum let her know a termination was an option but it was her choice she would support her regardless. It didn't bother me at all my mum would make this suggestion, I certainly didn't feel any less loved.

madreloco · 27/03/2015 15:42

I know I'll probably get leapt on for this, but if you had five children before you were 20, is it that surprising that your daughter has got the impression that having children early is a good choice? It's a little late to only start telling her the truth now that the bed is made, so to speak.
Maybe its time to tell her that if she wants to be a mother, and a grown up, and play happy families, she better start by working out how she is going to look after and support that happy family. You working out how you are going to do it all for her is not very helpful.

CunningCat · 27/03/2015 15:42

I'm with Clutterbug.
Also she needs to know that she has to take responsibility for the baby.
I know parents of teen mums who do all night feeds as mum won't get up.
Has anyone broached the subject of termination?

kittsbear · 27/03/2015 15:51

Have you thought about having a "16 & Pregnant" marathon with her? Like you'll support her if she sits and watches that for an entire day? I only say this as it's been shown to dramatically reduce teen mums in the states where and when it's shown. Might be worth getting together with the dad's family in a no-blame situation to figure out what the support could be from them or a united front to help the kids understand?

good luck. I can't imagine.

Original poster

AnnagrammaHawkins · 27/03/2015 15:56

Thanks for all the ideas and support guys I appreciate it a lot. I have written her a letter explaining myself a bit more clearly and saying I love her etc. And asking her some questions about her plan and left it in her room for when she gets home in a bit. Hopefully she will take the time to think of proper answers if it's not face to face and then we can communicate it more clearly. I'm so disappointed for her. Her and her twin have been planning a gap year between school and College/Uni travelling together as their eldest sister did that saving her birthday money and spend for a few years and now her twin is really upset as well. It's silly thing to focus on I know but her dream has been smashed and my heart is breaking for both of them.

OP posts:

CunningCat · 27/03/2015 16:00

How sad, you have my sympathy op. This would devastate me too, I also have twin DDS.

Original poster

AnnagrammaHawkins · 27/03/2015 16:06

Madreloco.....you won't get leapt on. It's a valid statement and I am always the first to admit that I was foolish and naive.

OP posts:

Gruntfuttock · 27/03/2015 16:14

Would she consider giving the baby up for adoption?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/03/2015 16:18

OP you seem to have done an amazing job facing mass parenting at such a young age. You and your DH have done incredibly well. Its a shame, as I imagine your DD will think "well I can have this baby and still have all this just like Mum". She has a big shock coming to her, as you know full well,but as a pp said, its something that yoy just cannot prepare for.

The letter is a good idea. Give her time and space to think through the practicalities.

I also think it would be an idea to contact the dads parents and have a bit of a chat. Your DD is going to need so much practical support, and being "on side" with the other GPs will be beneficial to all.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/03/2015 16:20

And also, generally, young mums produce young parents themselves, so the fact that you only have one (so far) who has followed suit is testament to the fact that clearly you and DH have instilled soemthing in them.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/03/2015 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wreckingball · 27/03/2015 17:23

It must be a hard thing to start a conversation with your teenager about a termination of a potential GC but it is an option.

MoanCollins · 27/03/2015 17:25

I can kind of understand where she is coming from. From her point of view, you also had your first child at the age of 14. She certainly doesn't appear to be proposing doing anything quite as extreme as having 5 children by the age of 20 so I can understand why she would feel that in that sense your experiences aren't relevant to her because she's only having one child, not five.

Also you don't say what you want her to do as an alternative. Presumably you are proposing that she has an abortion. She's 4 months along so that won't be a very pleasant experience and it doesn't sound like it's what she wants.

I'm reading between the lines and I think that your daughter may feel that you are trying to pressurise her into an abortion which she doesn't want so no wonder she is upset.

It sounds like she has made her mind up to do this so I think you need to start laying out the practicalities and working out how she is going to do this rather than trying to talk her out of doing it.

It sounds like she's determined to have this baby and trying to change her mind at this stage is just counterproductive.

wreckingball · 27/03/2015 17:28

The DD is 10 weeks pg, not four months.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 27/03/2015 17:39

MoanCollins, how does ten weeks pregnant equate to four months along?

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 27/03/2015 17:40

Oops, cross-post. Didn't realise I'd had the page open that long.

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