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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

was I too truthful with my teen?

68 replies

AnnagrammaHawkins · 27/03/2015 10:55

Have seven kids ages 20 to 4. Had my first when I was 14. Have twin daughters aged 14 now. One of them has just confessed to being ten weeks pregnant. We discussed everything last night and I tried to express to her how hard having kids young is and how much she will struggle as she had built up this image in her head of playing happy families in a house of her own etc. Which just isn't the case. Long story short I may have said something along lines of if I had my time over I wouldn't of had kids so young - I had 5 kids by the time I was 20 and it was Damn hard. She is now refusing to listen to anything I say on the basis that I must never have loved them anyway and am obviously not a good mother (Grr). How can I get her to understand just how big of an impact this will have on her life And also the lives of her family (not that we are important I just mean that she needs to consider others around her as well). I will support her and love her no matter what but I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybodY. I tried telling her about how hard it is and what I did and how hard we worked but she accused me of trying to scare her by lying. She's too young to remember the really hard times but even when i asked her older siblings to tell her what it was like she just started screaming at me and locked herself in her room. She's gone to school today and I just don't know what to do when she gets back - how to make her listen to me. I'm scared I was too truthful with her all at once and now I have ruined my chances of getting through to her and helping her make proper informed choices. What do I do?!

OP posts:
FluffyJawsOfDoom · 27/03/2015 17:56

Do the boy's parents know? What is the boy's reaction to the pregnancy?

Yadnbu, having kids at 30 is blardy difficult, I can't imagine having done it at 14/15

AnnagrammaHawkins · 27/03/2015 17:59

MoanCollins she is ten weeks pregnant not four months. I'm not trying to pressure her into abortion I just want her to know what all of her options are be they abortion, adoption or raising her baby. All of those options are okay and whatever she chooses I will support but I need her to have realistic expectations of what her life will be like. I was lucky that my parents could help as much as they did but I am not in a position to offer her as much support as I was offered. I have six other children to think about whereas I was an only child. I work full time as does my partner, where my parents were retired and part time workers. I don't have an annex to offer them as a starter home and I certainly can't afford to offer anything to them contribution free which is why I need her to make her decision with eyes wide open. It will be years before she is able to have a home of her own, even a council home. It will be years before she can afford to be financially independent or claim her own benefits. The fatheR might not stick around. I am still with my children's dad now but we did have a period of separation after I got pregnant the first time and it was hard and emotionally it was exhausting. I need her to understand these things and make an informed choice - if she does that then I will 100% support her and give her the best I can give her no matter what she chooses. She has read my letter and is currently in her room watching some 16 and pregnant as advised up thread and thinking about her answers to my questions.

OP posts:
dixiechick1975 · 27/03/2015 18:02

Has she see the midwife? I'm sure they will know where best to refer for advice.

In our area we have a young peoples info centre - run by the council all sorts of advice re benefits, education, health etc. If your area has one it may be a good first stop.

Do school know? She certainly wont be the first and again they may be able to assist with services/advice she can access

I'd write a list of things she will need to think about. Maybe leave it with her and then speak. Things like school - will they let her stay pg if not which school will she go to until she has baby, education after, childcare, where will she live, who will pay for her and baby food, clothes, bills.

dixiechick1975 · 27/03/2015 18:04

Is there a brook advisory centre near you? They specialize in advice for under25s.

alwaysstaytoolong · 27/03/2015 18:06

I had a termination at 14 and have never regretted it for one second as know I made the right choice but it was my choice completely.

I was know a family where two 14 year olds made a baby. They both really, really struggled. Particularly the boy to be honest who had no clue about babies or parenting (I remember him saying 'do you think he wants a lick of my lolly? when baby was a few weeks old and it broke my heart as brought home just what a very young and immature kid he still was).

15 years later the couple haven't been together since they were 17 and muddled through over the years but both would say they wish they hadn't had a baby so young.

Tiptops · 27/03/2015 18:18

What a difficult situation for you Anna I really feel for you. No useful advice but I hope your daughter can see you're only trying to show her all of the options available to her rather than push her down one particular route.

I definitely wouldn't be offering for her boyfriend to move in, or even suggesting it to her. They are so young, and should be living with their own families not each other at that age regardless of the presence of a baby. Also I feel it just condones the situation and obviously makes it far easier for another pregnancy to occur. I'm sure his family wouldn't like him to move out from home so young either - they are both still children.

mytartanscarf · 27/03/2015 18:24

From someone who stupidly got pregnant at 15, what she needs to hear right now is NOT 'it is so hard / I cannot support you / you will never sleep / you have wrecked your future.'

She needs to hear that no matter which option she chooses you love and support her absolutely unequivocally. I was terrified and alone when I was pregnant and that isolation made me feel the baby was the only friend I had. My dad was shocked but he was kind and that kindness was what made me want to return, if you like, to my old life (my baby was adopted, in 1998.)

I have lived through my mum dying of cancer when I was 14, giving up my baby for adoption at 15, losing my dad at 19 and none of that even comes close to those lonely, frightening and heart wrenching days of early pregnancy where I was alone and terrified. People telling me it was hard and I wouldn't cope missed the point. I just needed love and kindness and thankfully I got it!

hunibuni · 27/03/2015 18:31

DSD1 was pregnant at 16 and had DSGS at 17. She is now 22 and finally able to go back and study so that she can train as a social worker. Before she fell pregnant she had planned to join the army and see the world. She always wanted to move away and go places, having a child so young drastically cut down on the chances and opportunities to do so.

DH and I told her from the moment that she decided to keep the pregnancy that she was an adult and we would treat her as such. We supported her from a distance but she had to organise stuff by herself. She often tells me that she loves her son but her current life is not what she wanted.

mommy2ash · 27/03/2015 18:45

im sorry but i think if you dove right in with telling her how horrible it is going to be and in any way suggesting a termination, i think you have went about this the wrong way. of course nobody would blame you as i cant imagine the shock of your 14 year old telling you this.

i think you need to think back to when you were in her shoes and remember how she felt.

when i fell pregnant with my dd i was 21 but it was a huge deal to my parents at the time as i was no longer with my boyfriend. i concealed my pregnancy from everyone until seven months as i knew they would want me to have a termination. i spent that time working and saving so that if they threw me out on the street i would at least have some funds. i don't think to this day i have ever gotten over the torment of those seven months. when i did finally tell my parents the first thing my dad said was right then we will just get rid of it and i broke down crying and told them how far along i was. i have never truly forgiven him for that moment.

i think you need to sit down and calmly discuss what it is she wants. i think it is better to raise a baby even if you are very young yourself than to be pushed into a termination you don't want as you will regret it forever. very very few people truly regret their children even if they do struggle.

best of luck op

sykadelic · 27/03/2015 18:53

I don't think you were too truthful, I think you spoke when it was too raw still and as it probably took a lot of guts to tell you, she was wound up and unwilling to listen.

She may not be as far along as she thinks, unless she's already seen a doctor. My first step would be to take her to the doctor and get her scans done and a dating scan.

Then I would talk to her about options and that no matter what you stand by her choice.

There is a particular 16 & Pregnant episode I remember whether the mother pushed for her kid (Lori) to adopt the baby out, his parents pushed for it too... She never truly felt like it was her choice to give the baby up, which is the opposite of what it was for Catelynn & Tyler (who are still together, pregnant and about to get married). They made the decision and the reasons for that decision helped them through the hard days.

I would sit down with her and give her the pros and cons of each situation, or perhaps she could see a counsellor or friend/family member for the same thing.

If she keeps the baby:

  • how much help with you be able to get?
  • How will they be paying the bills/needs of the baby? They're too young to work, and are they eligible for benefits?
  • Child support payments will need to be set-up but as he's not working, who pays that... his parents?
  • Will she and the baby live with you? Will the father expect to stay overnight?
  • She will need to think about visitation for the dad, how often, when, overnights etc.

If she chooses adoption:

  • Is there a way for her to select the family?
  • Would she want a closed adoption or open?
  • She will probably need counselling to deal with this choice
AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 27/03/2015 18:59

Nobody wants to have a termination. But it's sometimes preferable to having a baby/being pregnant. It isn't the OP's fault a termination may be the least worst solution in the circumstances.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 27/03/2015 19:07

AnnagrammaHawkins you sound like an amazing person who has made the best of what must have been a difficult situation so young. Well done on working everything out with the childrens' dad and for getting to where you are.
No words of wisdom to help you - I wouldn't know where to start - just waves of support over the internet to get you through this tough time.
Flowers

PragmaticWench · 27/03/2015 19:36

I'm struck by how kind people on here are being, there's thankfully no condemnation of a young girl accidently getting pregnant. Seeing all the ideas of support is quite humbling. I suspect that whilst a number may have found themselves pregnant very young, an awful lot of us also know that it was only luck that meant it didn't happen to us!!

OP, I can't suggest anything that hasn't already been mentioned but hope you and your partner are okay and your daughter realises you do indeed love her.

Groovee · 27/03/2015 19:54

I have no advice but wanted to send you a big hug.

worksallhours · 27/03/2015 19:58

It will be years before she is able to have a home of her own, even a council home. It will be years before she can afford to be financially independent or claim her own benefits.

To be blunt, op, I would not bank on help from the state if I were young and in your daughter's position. I suspect that, over the next ten to fifteen years, the welfare system will change significantly. It is not just the introduction of Universal Credit, but the probable lowering of the maximum claim amount, the arrest of increases with inflation, and the possible move to an actuarial system to be more in line with the EU. She could very well end up impoverished.

So I would say your daughter really needs her qualifications; she needs a future and the opportunity to generate her own choices if/when the baby goes to school (should she decide to continue with the pregnancy).

Obviously, I do not know where you live but the FE colleges in my area, where people used to go to take GCSEs and A levels at a later date if they left school without them, now no longer offer them; you have to travel a good twenty miles to get to a college that does. The path that some of my friends that were teen mums took twenty-five years ago, where they left school at 15/16, had their babies and went to the local FE on the bus for GCSEs and A levels a few years later, is now no longer an option.

Chillyegg · 27/03/2015 20:09

Hi op I'm not sure what i can add as all the other posters have covered some decent advice.
However hears a link that contains some help lines she or you can call and information from the NHS.
www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/teenager-pregnant.aspx

Chillyegg · 27/03/2015 20:31

.... Also id like to add whatever her choice, its gonna be pretty shit for her so she'll need support! I wouldn't add in the whole super doom and gloom the government will make you homeless your life will be never ending drudgery because that would just send anyone running!
I think your honest answer and response with a letter is a good way of going about things. Ask her questions so she feels she has ownership and control, i cant imagine how all over the place she feels!

Also as they're both 14 (someone correct me if I'm wrong) wont a social worker or a support worker be provided for them? Will there be so sort of inquiry into her actually getting pregnant? She and your self might need to prepare for that also.

tulipbulbs · 28/03/2015 14:32

Dear Anna's daughter.
You must be very scared. When you are very young and encounter the first big challenge of your life, you think that this is it, that life will never be the same again. This is just the first challenge. Life will be good and full of joy again. This is a wonderful, beautiful world and you were made to be a wonderful beautiful part of it. My 14 year old daughter went to a disco last night, she wore her high heels, body con etc for photos then changed into her all stars and danced with her friends. She brought a friend home to sleepover and I had some goodies to go with their hot chocolate. She's a pretty/cool/popular girl, with her future all ahead. She's a teenager being a big girl, being a little girl. Look into the night sky and dream, dream for yourself, dream for your future child. Do you really want to be an adult? with a man and a baby? You can be when you are older; when you feel joy at the life growing in you, not fear, when your partner is all grown up and ready to love only you. Wait, sweet girl. Wait, until you have become all you can be. Until you can give your child a chance to dance not struggle. Your mum is sad. She is sad that she didn't get the chance to wait and she wants to give it to you. You love this boy, but it's not time to settle down with him yet. Wait. If he loves you it will be, but, if you love yourself, everything will be. Dream a little, be a child until you are no longer a child. There will be years ahead of love and lovers and children and homes, But, those years are ahead and they aren't now.

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