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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this just isn't fair?

54 replies

dinoswore · 26/03/2015 22:19

My H and I are separated but considering reconciliation. I have certain conditions I need h to meet - I don't want to go into details but my conditions are all dealbreaker issues - think along the lines of "get help for your porn addiction" (this isn't one of them but they are of similar gravity).

He has just one condition for me: to give up mumsnet. This is because when our marriage was running into trouble I sometimes posted about it on the relationships board. He discovered my posts and began to look for them. He hated all the LTB type of replies and thinks that my posts were a betrayal of trust. He would rather I'd talked to my RL friends than talk to strangers on the internet who decided he was a dick without even knowing him.

I just can't believe that, given all the real problems in our marriage, this is something he just can't let go. I really struggle to see that what I did was wrong - MN was a lifeline when I needed one.

I asked him if he thought all the other women and men posting on the relationships board were wrong to do so but he wouldn't give an opinion. Said he doesn't care about that but what I did was a betrayal of trust.

Is he BU? It just doesn't seem to be an equivalent 'condition'. Mine are fundamental deal breaking issues; his is ... I dunno, sour grapes because he didn't like reading what the more straight talking posters said about him. It just seems irrational and a bit controlling.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 26/03/2015 22:21

Yeah, if any of the other 'conditions' you've put on him are about how controlling he is then I'd say he's just showing who he is again

FarFromAnyRoad · 26/03/2015 22:22

It's more than a 'bit' controlling. It's majorly controlling and i would comply with such a demand under ANY circumstances. Nor should you.

EeyoresTail · 26/03/2015 22:22

HIBhugelyU!!
What will he do if you refuse?

FarFromAnyRoad · 26/03/2015 22:23

Wouldn't ffs. I WOULDN'T comply. Ffs.

Paintedpinksapphires · 26/03/2015 22:24

How likely is it that he'll be able to stick to his conditions?

I can see his point a little bit, in that I do sometimes feel uncomfortable that some posters are divulging very private info about their partners which could be recognised (I wouldn't like my DH discussing any faults of mine online) but then on the other hand not everyone has RL support.

This doesn't seem like a very loving start to reconciliation though.

Paintedpinksapphires · 26/03/2015 22:25

Sorry to be clear -I'm not suggesting you should comply.

Original poster
dinoswore · 26/03/2015 22:25

He says if I refuse and he meets all my conditions then I will have thrown our marriage away for the sake of a website.

Apparently all his friends think what I did was terrible.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 26/03/2015 22:25

Without knowing what your conditions are, it's very hard to say. They may be fair to you, but not everyone's deal breakers are the same.

I think if you're going to make your marriage work, you have to take him seriously when he says something is important to him. He might not fully understand why you react the way you do to some of the things you want him to give up, but you still expect him to do it if he wants to be with you. What works for one has to work for the other.

AlternativeTentacles · 26/03/2015 22:27

Anyone who needs to stop their partner's support network...really needs to get themselves a life to be honest. He cant handle the truth.

madreloco · 26/03/2015 22:27

I don't think he's necessarily being unreasonable. You are asking some big things from him (reasonably, I'm sure), isn't he allowed to ask something from you?
I think if I found my DP had been posting intimate details of our lives/problems online I'd be quite upset. Don't assume he's just being narky, maybe you're really hurt him.
If you want to get, you have to give.

Original poster
dinoswore · 26/03/2015 22:31

So was I wrong to write those posts? I do understand that it hurt him, and it would hurt me in return, but was I wrong to seek anonymous advice here?

OP posts:
Ilikemashpotatoe · 26/03/2015 22:32

I think because he's actually been able to read what people are thinking about him based on soley what you've told them has obviously upset him. RL people may know a different side to him and have a different opinion. IMO surely talking to strangers about the problems of better than RL people as they are actually in your lives and going to judge wether they say they will or not! I think he is being unreasonable considering that your conditions are based on something which I would consider a big deal. It's as if he's got nothing else to come back with so he's saying you have to give up this as he knows it's the only thing that will ok not "hurt" you but its obviously something you find comforting and I think if anything he should be glad your keeping your relationship problems private!

Paintedpinksapphires · 26/03/2015 22:35

Do his friends know about all the things on his side of the list?

engeika · 26/03/2015 22:35

It depends. Initially I'd agree with Laurie but I can see his point of view if he felt that the replies were part of the reason you left.

I hate it when someone else, who only hears one side of the story, (usually his Dsis), tells my DP how justified he is, how wrong I am, how unfair I am being. It is not helpful. It eggs him on and blocks further discussion between us. Maybe there is something of that in what he says.

Maybe he feels he is on a losing wicket if every time something is difficult you go onto MN and tell everyone how awful he is being and they all agree with you and tell you to leave.

Maybe on the other hand he is being controlling and you do of course have a right to post what and where you like. If you are imposing conditions though - and if he accepts those conditions - then maybe see his point of view on this. If only for while?

My DP has commented on my MN addiction - there have been times when I feel I live inside my laptop and it has been a lifeline as you said. Others when it has not helped me - but almost prevented me from actually dealing with my issues in real life.

Good luck OP. Sorry I can't help.

PtolemysNeedle · 26/03/2015 22:36

I don't think you were wrong to post online about your issues, but if you are serious about rebuilding your relationship I think it would be wrong not to take his hurt over it very seriously. He had valid reason to be hurt by you posting about him online and then having to read biased replies, but either way, the fact that it matters to him is enough.

MN is a way of coping with difficult things for some people, or it could be used as a form of escapism, it can be different things to different people. Overuse of porn (as you used that as your example) could be described exactly the same way.

Paintedpinksapphires · 26/03/2015 22:39

I suppose if you are sure you don really want to reconcile you could offer a middle ground. Keep Mumsnet but promise you won't post about him?

It very difficult to comment without knowing the full details of what he did and what you posted (I'm not suggesting you give those details btw just highlighting the limitations if replies to your OP)

Paintedpinksapphires · 26/03/2015 22:41

^^ that should say 'do really want to reconcile'

madreloco · 26/03/2015 22:44

If it would hurt you if he did it, why do you think he's being unreasonable?

Original poster
dinoswore · 26/03/2015 22:52

It would hurt me to read his posts that said things in a more raw and non-diplomatic style than he would use to me, about me, because it isn't flattering.

It would hurt me to read it but that wouldn't make it wrong for him to have written it.

OP posts:
Sausagerollers · 26/03/2015 23:02

I know it's said that MN-ers say LTB at the earliest opportunity, but usually it's advice from experienced, educated women who are being told that the OP is being abused/mis-treated in some way.

Tbf most MN-ers are equally happy to tell the OP that they are BU if that's the truth.

Your DP seems overly concerned about what strangers are saying about him, when those same people could walk past him in the street and not know who he was.

He, OTOH, told people that you know and interact with a version of events that led them to see you as "terrible".

Assuming that your OP was factual (on your original thread, which I don't think I've read) and the consensus was that your DP was out of order, then he has clearly been giving a very one-sided version of the situation (aka lying) to people you know and painting you in a bad light.

Who is really the bad guy here?!?

LaurieFairyCake · 26/03/2015 23:28

I'm guessing that the things you've asked him to change doing are actually harmful to the relationship and really serious about his behaviour.

Posting about your thoughts on a website and seeking support isn't even in the same ballpark.

He's just got his feelings hurt because random strangers think he's a pig Hmm and he doesn't want you hearing others say when he's out of order.

And as for his friends agreeing - so what, they're as bad as him (if it's true - it's not)

Unless you're on here when he's doing everything else in the house he's got nothing to complain about.

Being on a website and chatting about tv shows is fine while your other half is watching cricket or a film and you're both independantly occupied.

But don't trade Mumsnet for him stopping having affairs or wanking over webcam sites because it's NOT the same thing.

Little test - tell him that's fine I will only post on chat threads and won't post about my relationship and I will only be on Mumsnet while you're watching YouTube/films or whatever he does - if he's not ok with that then really it's about controlling what you do.

DoJo · 26/03/2015 23:31

So the things you want him to do were damaging the relationship, and the thing he wants you to stop doing, you were only doing because the relationship was damaged? It sounds like he's picking at symptoms rather than the issue itself.

Does he mean he doesn't want you to use the site at all, or just not post on here, or not post about your relationship? Would you feel the need to post if he met your 'terms'?

PtolemysNeedle · 26/03/2015 23:35

You need to stop focussing on whether you were wrong or not.

If you are over invested being right, it's going to make it much harder for your marriage to heal.

kitkat90 · 26/03/2015 23:49

Lol well it seems you've already made up your mind not to do it as you're posting this. I think maybe you should comply for a while- if it is something he is not comfortable with you doing it shouldn't matter whether it's right or wrong. If you expect him to change something you need to do the same for him. I'm sure once your relationship gets back on track things like mumsnet won't concern him. Sometimes people make unreasonable requests at bad times because of their insecurities etc I know I have.

Original poster
dinoswore · 26/03/2015 23:57

Some food for thought here and a lightbulb moment (sausagerolls made me see that his defaming of me to people who know me in RL is worse and I hate it).

Just feel the need to clarify though, he isn't a porn addict (AFAIK!) nor did he have affairs. The issues are actually alcohol and money related.

OP posts: