To think this just isn't fair?

[dinoswore]

My H and I are separated but considering reconciliation. I have certain conditions I need h to meet - I don't want to go into details but my conditions are all dealbreaker issues - think along the lines of "get help for your porn addiction" (this isn't one of them but they are of similar gravity).

He has just one condition for me: to give up mumsnet. This is because when our marriage was running into trouble I sometimes posted about it on the relationships board. He discovered my posts and began to look for them. He hated all the LTB type of replies and thinks that my posts were a betrayal of trust. He would rather I'd talked to my RL friends than talk to strangers on the internet who decided he was a dick without even knowing him.

I just can't believe that, given all the real problems in our marriage, this is something he just can't let go. I really struggle to see that what I did was wrong - MN was a lifeline when I needed one.

I asked him if he thought all the other women and men posting on the relationships board were wrong to do so but he wouldn't give an opinion. Said he doesn't care about that but what I did was a betrayal of trust.

Is he BU? It just doesn't seem to be an equivalent 'condition'. Mine are fundamental deal breaking issues; his is ... I dunno, sour grapes because he didn't like reading what the more straight talking posters said about him. It just seems irrational and a bit controlling.

I guess the thing with dealbreakers is, they can mean very little or nothing sinister to the person doing it, but a lot to the person who wants it to stop.

i.e porn, to some people it's nothing, so they can't understand what the big deal is when people ask them to stop (So they usually don't)

You have not stated what it is you have asked him to give up as a deal breaker, it may be something important to him that he doesn't see as a big deal, and you talking about him online, anon. or not, may really really get to him in a way you can't understand.

For example, if you wrote online about something private and intimate (even erotic) between you two, but named no names, would you really want a bunch of strangers talking about it?

I'm not saying either of you are right, there's two sides to it clearly, and we don't know what these sensible things are you've asked him to give up on. But he's entitled to ask the same of you as you are of him, otherwise it's not going to work before you've even begun trying.

My OH knows I go on MN, he usually picks things out on AIBU and we debate over it! lol, but if I was to post intimate relationship things on here about us, or him, or problems we were having, I think he would be really hurt, as if I went behind his back. In fact, I'd probably feel the same if he was on a forum somewhere talking about me.

But here I am reading other people's!

*IF he wrote on line, not if you.

I guess If we all say he is wrong. What are you going to do, say to him "Well you asked me to give up mumsnet, and instead, I went on mumsnet, told everyone about it, and they think you are full of shit and your drink and money problems are no comparison, so...no"

:/

Alcohol and money related sounds like it could be as bad as porn/affairs.

They're really not the same as going on a website.

Whatever you do don't minimise it. He sounds awful and you've described his behaviour before and lots of people have said how awful he is.

Just really take care of yourself

Put it this way, if he IS going to stop something as big as drinking and gambling/spending(?) then what's a little website to give up, if you both want this.

I agree with those saying that it is a big deal, if it's a big deal to him.
I personally think trying to get impartial advice on a site like this can be helpful, but I can also see that other people might think it an incredible breach of trust to air all your problems on the internet for the whole world to see. I think if you can't acknowledge that (even whilst disagreeing with his opinion) then any reconciliation is on very dodgy ground from the beginning.

Completely agree with BackforGood

I have to say I think it sounds like he is trying to stifle your support network and deflect issues away from himself.

Nah, don't bother trying to reconcile. It's tit for tat on his part. He's punishing you by taking away something you like and find useful. Basically if he's having his toys taken away from him i.e. the deal breakers that you cite then as far as he's concerned you need to give things up too.

He wants to see what you are sacrificing if he's sacrificing things he likes. The fact that he sees giving these things up as a sacrifice for you/the relationship is a huge red flag to me.

Someone's ego got bruised because you spoke about your difficulties on MN. He's told you to speak to people in RL only ? Really ? That will probably be the people he will isolate you from in the long run.

I'd agree with Beryl. My immediate thought on reading your OP was that he was setting a condition which he felt might be seen as entirely reasonable but that you wouldn't like - putting the responsibility for reconciling or not on you. ('All I asked her to do was ......and she couldn't even.......')

Tell us - has he agreed to meet all your conditions? It rather sounds as if your discussions have been about you and your behaviour and not about him or you both as a couple.

(Now that I've read the rest of your posts, I could probably add Points 3-10 to that.)

I haven't read any of your threads on Relationships but - why do you want to reconcile with him? He doesn't sound as if he wants to chage in the slightest: just to change you.

He wants to take away something that's a source of strength and support to you.

How red is the red flag ? Pillar Box red ? Toffee apple red ? How big is it ? Sandcastle flag size ? Standard flag size ? Bedsheet size ? Y'know, like people drape out of their windows to support football etc ?

A ship's battle ensign, Toasted. I had one of those once. They're HUGE.

To be honest, it sounds as if the relationship is over.

If it is alcohol/gambling related and if it's addiction, this is more than just striking up a deal. My dad is an alcoholic and my mum made hundreds of deals with him, none of them worked. Addicts don't work like that.

Go to al-anon (or would he not like that?)

Is he trying to punish you for using mumsnet? It smacks of deflecting the gravity of his issues. Is he really ready to tackle them?

I kind of see his point. To make life changing decisions based upon what a bunch of anonymous people post on this site is very unreasonable.
shows open door

He's doing this out of spite. It doesn't bode well for a reconciliation.

Why reconcile? Honestly, if there are issues like this even when you're just discussing it, why bother to put yourself through it?

Draw a line under it, is my opinion. He's already told you who he is, much better to listen the first time.

MN is able to provide anonymous support. It's not exactly objective, but the diverse advice given often helps the OP to evaluate a situation in a way which supports their emotional need but challenges flawed thought processes.

IME, RL friends don't do that, they are more likely just to reflect back what they think the person wants to do.

If the problems in the marriage were caused by his behaviour, then the onus should be on him to put things right. I agree that you talking on mn didn't cause the issues in the relationship but was a response to them.

It does sound to me like he wants to make you give up something you value because you are making him give up things and he isn't caring about the fact that his behaviour caused real life problems and yours didn't. He is being spiteful.

I too would hate it if my h was talking about me to real life friends - that to me seems like a far greater breach of trust.

You haven't said anything good about him here. I am wondering what you are getting out of any reconciliation. What positives does he bring to your life? Don't reconcile because it is the easier option or out of fear/loneliness, only do it if being with him makes you feel genuinely happy.

I think that giving up mn is fine for those people who have let it take over their lives to the detriment of their rl relationships but for a man to demand it from a woman who has used it for support to deal with problems he caused, gives me the heeby jeebies (sp?) and I wouldn't agree to it.

I think you should ask him where you can go to for help and advice. Would he be comfortable with you getting help and advice from people who know him? Could you go on Netmums? Or is it a blanket ban on telling people.

He could have projected all his pain and guilt at the separation onto Mumsnet, and so he can't trust it, it represents all the awfulness. However he needs to understand that you need somewhere to go when you are hurting.

How is he currently doing on the dealbreakers? Does he understand how much they hurt you?

Personally I wouldn't reconcile until you had seen real change on the alcohol front. Father is/was a functioning alcoholic, but now is seriously ill and hasn't been able to have normal liquid since last July. He needs 24 hour care. He still has a lot of his thoughts running around alcohol and we keep needing to take in bottles of wine so he can have them in his room to give out. Just because he can barely drink anything does not mean his relationship with alcohol has lessened. So the alcohol thing is a hard one to beat - but not impossible.

Good luck.

You have had a lightbulb moment which is good. But have you considered that you only talked to random strangers when the situation got so bad you needed it...so presumably if he wasn't giving you good cause then you wouldn't be posting in the first place?

I would recommending not reconciling if he is going to play tit for tat. If he hadn't stalked you online, trying to find out what you were saying on here, he would never know. Whereas he has actually told you that HIS support network think you are terrible, without you doing any stalking at all.

Come on - you are worth more than this.

If your marriage depends on wether or not you use mumsnet you need to walk away and forget a reconciliation I think

People don't tend to post on here until they are at the end of their rope and have run out of other options.

Most of the people who post still want help to fix their relationship not just to end them.

It takes other people who are not closely involved to say hang on this isn't right you deserve better rather than emotionally invested friends saying but he loves you, try harder, forgive him again...

That he has told you how shirty and bad all his friends think you have behaved when you were after help shows this.

He didn't like the plain truth handed out rather than the molly codling from friends and family and is punishing your for his hurt.

I don't think it sounds like he is really sorry and ready to start again.

So think carefully before you agree.

This sounds like mine and dhs relationship four years ago.

He was in a stressful job, drinking every night until anything he had bought was gone and gambling too (just for fun).

It came to a head when we made a joint decision to save up, for him to be sahd until he found a new job. It all swiftly unraveled from there as he covered up where the money was going and used credit cards to fund him staying at home.

I vented about the breach of trust on mumsnet, and it was helpful to get perspective, that I wasn't being dramatic - it was a potential end of the relationship.

Dh also made a comment about the reliance I placed on mumsnet rather than talking to him. I pointed out that mumsnet didn't make him lie and that it was my safe space to get perspective - I did agree that I would be more honest with him rather than confide in a screen.

It did work out for us, but dh put in hard work and forgiveness didn't exactly come easy.

At the peak in troubles, I got brilliant advice - one piece was never issue an ultimatum you're not prepared to follow through on - if you look on mumsnet the marriage is over? that's going to look stupid on a divorce certificate!

My " ultimatum" was that continued uneven spending (excess gambling and alcohol) from family money would lead to us having separate finances - and I thought long and hard about it!

I would want to know why specifically a stop in use in mumsnet would be a deal breaker?

When someone states their dealbreakers, then there are two outcomes: the first is that the other person agrees not to do that, the second that they decide that they want to.

All are valid. If he wants to leave you because you use MN for support, he can. If you want to refuse to stop using MN because it is your support, then that's fine too. At that point it's down to him to decide whether it was really a dealbreaker or just another attempt to control you and cut off support.

I remember XH reading a thread in relationships and commenting on what great advice everyone gave. I also remember him later screaming, "those Bitches on MN don't know what they're talking about!" when they gave their great advice to me.

MN is somewhere where you'll get honest answers from people who aren't invested in the relationship.

What we actually want is for everyone to be in a healthy, equal, loving relationship. We don't want people to split up! But where a relationship is unhealthy we will say it.

Someone threatened by you getting help and support due to their issues, has even more issues than you thought.

Do you think it will end up being, "well you didn't give up MN, that's why I'm drunk now!"?

I don't understand why he would prefer RL friends to possibly know intimate details of your marriage/problems rather than anonymous posters on here.

Which is more of a 'betrayal' (and which is more potentially embarrassing?)

Doesn't make sense.