To think this just isn't fair?

[dinoswore]

My H and I are separated but considering reconciliation. I have certain conditions I need h to meet - I don't want to go into details but my conditions are all dealbreaker issues - think along the lines of "get help for your porn addiction" (this isn't one of them but they are of similar gravity).

He has just one condition for me: to give up mumsnet. This is because when our marriage was running into trouble I sometimes posted about it on the relationships board. He discovered my posts and began to look for them. He hated all the LTB type of replies and thinks that my posts were a betrayal of trust. He would rather I'd talked to my RL friends than talk to strangers on the internet who decided he was a dick without even knowing him.

I just can't believe that, given all the real problems in our marriage, this is something he just can't let go. I really struggle to see that what I did was wrong - MN was a lifeline when I needed one.

I asked him if he thought all the other women and men posting on the relationships board were wrong to do so but he wouldn't give an opinion. Said he doesn't care about that but what I did was a betrayal of trust.

Is he BU? It just doesn't seem to be an equivalent 'condition'. Mine are fundamental deal breaking issues; his is ... I dunno, sour grapes because he didn't like reading what the more straight talking posters said about him. It just seems irrational and a bit controlling.

Actually, it does make sense in a rather convoluted way.

It's easier to influence people in real life than it is on MN - especially if you're a 'charming' fellow and you have mutual friends. It's also easier to control people in real life than on MN and he's clearly into influencing the OP.

MN is out of his sphere of competence and having his wife talking to people who are objective and (generally) non-judgmental could be a straight threat to someone who likes to keep the minutiae of his life under control at all times.

I didn't read your thread but the one thing I would wonder is if mumsnet was the push for you to challenge him and force the fact you have issues into the open? If it was and you hadn't been able to stand up for yourself or challenge before then my thought would be that he's cutting you off from something he knows has helped give you confidence and assertiveness not to put up with his shit.

I don't know OP - I'm thinking your gut feeling about what is right / fair is the right one as you know the whole situation and the context better than any of us, obviously. I would just say though that in my experience when relationships become this much hard work to reconcile they're rarely worth it.

i wouldn't agree to that OP....we all need to be able to turn for help/advice/venting to someone or somewhere - and sometimes we want to be able to do it anonymously. THAT is what Mumsnet is for.

he's just pissed because his ego is crushed, that 'strangers' (ie people ) know about his shittiness - i doubt very much that he would have been any happier for you to have confided to that extent with people who know him personally. He would have accused you of betrayal and worse if you had told mutual friends or family. i see it hasn't stopped him from trying to malign your character to your mutual friends by telling them about your Mnetting - i bet these friends don't know about the details of his bad behaviour so why don't you enlighten them - all in the guise of clarifying with them whether those kind of things are best discussed with strangers or family/friends who may end up 'piggy in the middle'.

he's also trying to control your future actions in the event that he reneges on his word and reverts to type - he doesn't want YOU to be able to access the kind of independent advice that would help you see things clearly because it doesn't suit him. What next - you have to agree not to confide in family/friends either because that too is 'betrayal'???

he's just trying to salvage his wounded ego and make sure you are isolated and never empowered enough to make him accountable for his bullshit ever again. he doesn't want to take responsibility for his own behaviour so would rather insinuate that any future relapse on his part is somehow YOUR fault - typical manipulation and emotionally abusive behaviour of an addict i'm afraid.

tell him straight "no" and that if he wants to use Mumsnet as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for his behaviour and actions then he can get lost - for good.