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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 17 year old son has bought plane tickets to texas in America to meet a girl he met online, he is from scotland, I really need advice please.

390 replies

scottishmother · 26/03/2015 21:58

He has made his mind up to go, to be honest I thought he would have saved up more money but he has sprung it on me and is going in 2 weeks time!! I have asked him things and he has told me, and it seems fine, but he does not like me to ask him anything as he thinks it is invading his privacy lol. He has been very secretive, and this is not helping my worrying, I have said to him I will not let him out the door without him giving me a address and letting me speak to the girl who is 2 years older than him first. I need advice as to what to do please as I am going out of my mind.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/03/2015 08:30

Not so.

Infact I have been asked how much money I'm bringing in on more than one occasion by US immigration authorities. Its quite shocking really but they do have and will use the right to ask that question.

SaltySeaBird · 28/03/2015 08:31

Also, I've flown into USA and hardly been asked anything - even when flights out of the country have been from a different city or when there was over a month before my return flight.

ZeroFunDame · 28/03/2015 08:34

£350 = $520

Three taps on a phone OP.

Hmm
BabyGanoush · 28/03/2015 08:38

If he is mature enough to go, he should be mature enough to sort out health insurance, a back up plan etc

Rafflesway · 28/03/2015 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieKaye · 28/03/2015 08:56

The money is an issue as he is a minor with a return ticket for 86 days in the future and without pre paid for accommodation. These factors will flag him up as a risk and mean immigration will be more likely to pull him aside.

They can't deal with everyone in that detail , just those who pose a risk to the U.S. taxpayer! And on paper he is a huge risk as he cannot support himself for the duration of his stay.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2015 08:56

I've flown here before becoming a British citizen and been asked about money and to show credit cards.

All it takes is one border control person.

But hey, OP thinks it's all MTV and knickers in twist so not going to waste anymore time.

Lol. Yeah, £50 is 'plenty'. As is £350 for 3 months.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2015 09:01

Oh, yeah, AK, depending where the person lives, that could be on llllooonnggg drive. And if you thought Texas was bad Grin. But, oh, wait, he can't drive there.

KatieKaye · 28/03/2015 09:02

Also, if he's refused entry to the U.S. it will make it very difficult to go there in the future. If not impossible.

Rafterplease · 28/03/2015 09:04

How will immigration automatically know about his accommodation? At best they will know his age and perhaps return ticket date.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 28/03/2015 09:05

It's over 500 miles from Arkansas to Texas Grin
£350 + £50 a week? That would make me "lol" all the way to the bank. It's not enough.
My knickers are not twisted, but my jaw is dropping.

Rafterplease · 28/03/2015 09:06

Curious as to the specifics of all the vague doom and gloom about Texas. The only thing that's been mentioned is guns. And mean police. What is it that is going to be so unspeakably awful for him?

Many 17 year olds are quite capable of backpacking around the world - I'm not sure why Texas is such a terrifying exception?

Ginmartini · 28/03/2015 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JsOtherHalf · 28/03/2015 09:14

Would it be worth considering flying from Dublin airport? You go through immigration there, so if he isn't allowed in, then he only has to get home from Dublin.

www.aerlingus.com/travelinformation/knowbeforeyoufly/usatravelrequirements/

www.aerlingus.com/travelinformation/movetoterminal2atdublin/usimmigration/

Pipbin · 28/03/2015 09:15

Am I alone in thinking that the latest update might not be from the OP? If you compare the level of grammar, spelling and punctuation there is quite a difference. Could the reply be from the boy in question who has realised that his mum has started a MN thread about it?

Please note: this is NOT a grammar nazi post, I'm simply pointing out that in the recent post words like knickers were spelt incorrectly but words like secretive were correct in the OP.

£350 is no money at all. It might be enough for him to live on at home for 3 months but nowhere near enough for him to get out of trouble, and certainly nothing like enough for US immigration to be happy.

AugustVZ · 28/03/2015 09:16

People who used the VWP for multiple back-to-back long stays, or who never get even lightly questioned at the border: it's simply because the numbers make it impossible to thoroughly check everyone.

(Although, SaltySeaBird, anyone who does more than two consecutive 90-day-stays without getting pulled to secondary or denied entry is really lucky; also, working freelance in America without a work permit is a violation of terms, as is not filing with the IRS once you pass their substantial presence test, no matter where your money's coming from.)

I think Dallas airport had something like 60 million passengers last year. Whether you get scrutinised is part luck and also context/presentation.

I have flown into the US lots of times, and only been asked about funds once (literally: how much cash is in your wallet). An unaccompanied minor and it doesn't matter what Scotland says; he's a minor, in the US is much more likely to be asked.

In fact, it's not even clear on the legalities of him entering; if he was travelling with one parent or another adult, they'd be recommended (by the US CBP) to take a notarised permission letter. In the US, he's a minor. AFAIK, as an under-18 with no credit card, he won't be able to even get a hotel room, should he suddenly need one.

BabyGanoush · 28/03/2015 09:20

Texas without a car is hard to navigate.

I did it, but there are no sidewalks (even in Austin or other big cities) in most parts, you are not even allowed to walk alongside roads like you are here.

I needed a taxi to get me to the mall 4 blocks away.

You need a car, or money, or stay put.

the US isn't like the UK

Has the OP son ever traveled independently anywhere? Even just in the UK? Ever had to deal with flight cancellations etc?

OP, if you are happy for him to go, sit down with him and just talk through the practicalities, like:

  • so you arrive in the Airport, what do you do? call her/take a taxi (how much would it cost), how would you communicate get a US phone? use the Uk one? pay phone?)
  • how will you get to her house. How will you leave, if things don't work out?
  • How will you manage money? Can you withdraw cash from your UK account at cash machines there? Will you carry cash? In that case, if it gets stolen what would you do?
  • If you get sick, what would you do? How would you get to a doctor?

Has he been capable of organising his Esta, his health insurance, his contingency plans all by himself? In that case he is probably mature enough to go, really.

If all he has done is booked the flight an expects to be looked after/mothered/have everything sorted out by the females in the US....well....probably not mature enough to go through with it.

AugustVZ · 28/03/2015 09:22

(P.S., sorry, SaltySeaBird, did that sound like I thought you were the one doing it? I know that's not the case! Just wanted to show how mistakes at immigration level tend to compound into multiple issues in the US, even if you slip through the airport.)

lithewire · 28/03/2015 09:43

Just £350?! It'll last him a week if that...

psychomum5 · 28/03/2015 09:44

I have a 19yr old DD planning on going travelling this year. I am really anxious about it, but am helping support her wish so that I know she is doing everything properly, and she knows I am supporting her and is therefore fully open with me and sharing it all with me.

She has been planning and dreaming of this for two years.

She has been saving hard - indeed I am shocked how much, and very proud at how much.

She has filled out all the relevant forms for vaccinations and the GP is aware and advising her.

She has been to the bank and has a credit card set up.

She has been to several events that are held around in our town for teenagers wishing to travel and see the world, and has had conversations with sponsors ready to help support her and help her find work while she travels. On that end, she knows exactly what visas she will need - and we are going to pay for those for her.

We have internet banking set so that 'should' the worst happen, we can send her money, altho I actually don;t think that will be needed, she is that prepared.

She has looked into the customs and ways for the places she wants to go.

One of the countries she is planning actually has an old college friend of mine, she is aware, and will be acting as parent for me - and my DD will be staying with her for some of her trip.

I would MUCH prefer for her to wait another 6 mths until she is 20, as in my head, I think she will be treated a lot differently to being a teenager, even tho age is really just a number.

My main concern is that altho she is street smart for the town we live in, she isn;t for the countries she is going to - it is all hugely different - but I am really looking forward to how grown up and changed she will be when she returns. She will leave me as my child, and return to me as a much wiser woman. Yes, still my child, but with experiences and knowledge that even I don;t have - what an adventure. I am actually a little envious.

Oh, another thing - we will have savings and back up for very worst case scenario and me needing to fly out to her.

And where is she going that she needs to do all that, and I need for her to be ready and wise - New Zealand and Australia ! Hardly scary, and in fact very similar to the UK in some ways, altho much much bigger and hotter and far away.

Your son has done none of that it sounds like, bar getting something like a visa. He doesn;t have back up funds, he is a loner and doesn;t sound 'street smart', and he has just £350 - I would struggle to survive a week in London on that, let alone going halfway round the world, to somewhere that Expat has explained to you is massively different to here.

And still you seem fit to accuse them of 'getting their knickers in a twist' ! Hmm

You stated in your OP that you are going out of your mind with worry. Believe me, none of what you say makes me believe that for an instance. I sobbed on my GP just this week due to being so anxious about her going - I do have form for overthinking things. At no point will I refuse to allow my girl to go tho - she is doing everything properly, is determined, and she has planned everything she is able to plan, perfectly. We have everything in place set up if an emergency happens, and still I am scared for her - but that is ME, not her, and I will be waving her off with a smile knowing that by doing that, I know she will come home and not rebel and run away.

Your son is acting like a loved up teenager acting on a whim, and you are foolish if you think this is going to end well. I pray it does, but your attitude to people offering real and valid advice is to be rude and, in fact, act like a teenager having a tantrum!

Penfold007 · 28/03/2015 09:47

OP your son wants to go and I get the feeling your going to let him so you both need to do your homeworkl to give the trip every chance to succeed. Adequate travel insurance is a must. Your son will also need a letter certified by a commissioner for oaths or similar from both parents giving their permission for him to travel, he isn't an adult in the USA. He also needs a letter giving her parents authorisation to make decisions about any medical treatment. £350 and access to £50 a week isn't going to go very far. Take all the advice and guidance people are willing to give you.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2015 09:51

I go for 5-6 weeks a year. I pay nothing when there as I stay with family and have use of a car (I keep my driving license there) with insurance.

I bring about £1000.

LillianGish · 28/03/2015 09:52

Good luck to him if gets through immigration. You are obviously not that bothered since you think everyone on here is getting their "nickers in a twist". Why bother posting in the first place if you don't want opinions - especially from people who actually live/have lived in Texas? To be honest, if he never comes out of his room at home he's probably better off taking his chances in Texas.

mariamin · 28/03/2015 09:54

There is a big difference between having enough money to have a nice holiday, and having enough money to stay in a hostel and eat bread and cheese.
He needs contingency plans. And he needs health insurance. His main contingency plan needs to be, how would he leave if it all went wrong.
But at 18 I went to stay with a girls family in Hungary that I had only had letter contact with. It was absolutely fine. This was in the days of the communist state, and I was a naive 18 year old. But I did have the means to leave if I needed to.

CaptainSubtext · 28/03/2015 09:54

What was the point of this thread then?

OP "I'm out of my mind with worry"
MN "Yes you're right to be worried, because xxxxx"
OP "Nah he will be fine"

Confused
Swipe left for the next trending thread