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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think never having a lie in is easier than getting one once in a blue moon?

33 replies

Underthedeepblueocean · 26/03/2015 17:26

At the moment am always up with the DCs. DD wakes early - around 5:30 - and won't go back to sleep until 8ish, by which time it's time to get DS to school.

DH works 12 hour days and these are normally four on and four off. He goes to the gym on three of his 'days off' but usually had a quiet day where he just catches up with paperwork and so on.

I've said it would be helpful if he could let me lay in until 8ish so he would have DD in other words but he says its easier (on me!) if I get up the same time every day!

The problem is she still wakes in the night and I find it hard to drop off as im always listening for her crying. At the moment I think I am getting 5 hours sleep a night? I'm tired, spotty, pale and generally irritable.

Help? What can I do?

OP posts:
Hobby2014 · 26/03/2015 17:30

Tell him he's a dick.
Tell him he can have the kids one morning in 8 days. It won't hurt him, or you for that matter. Smile

primarywannabe · 26/03/2015 17:34

Good God, if there are 4 days when he is at home then you should get 2 lie-ins each. Non-negotiable in my house.
And he should do 2 night shifts with your dc.

justbatteringon · 26/03/2015 17:36

Tell him to get his ass up its up to you to decide what would be easier not him.

ChipDip · 26/03/2015 17:39

You should each get 2 lie ins then. Tell him he needs to step up.

HolgerDanske · 26/03/2015 17:43

What can you do? Tell him that you have decided that you know what is best for you and you would like a few extra hours sleep here and there, and a bit of time to just be.

I think its funny that he gets to tell you what would be better for you, particularly as it's conveniently the option that is easiest for him...

You should definitely be getting a lie-in once at least and preferably twice in every eight, and later than 8.00, too! I'd say one morning in eight where he has the children until noon or one o'clock is about right.

Can't believe he's trying to dress his selfishness up as concern for you.

DoJo · 26/03/2015 17:44

he says its easier (on me!) if I get up the same time every day!

Tell him it's not for him to decide what's easier on you - you've made a perfectly reasonable request and he should be falling over himself to make life genuinely easier for you, not making shitty excuses so that he doesn't have to put himself out for even a single morning.

BackforGood · 26/03/2015 17:50

If there are two parents in the house, then they should be able to get roughly the same amount of sleep each over the week. Why isn't he getting up half the mornings, and also taking his turn during the night ? Confused

yomellamoHelly · 26/03/2015 17:50

You need some lie-ins by the sound of it. You just need to convince your dh!

(Speak as someone who gets one maybe once a year / every 18 months or so.)

My problem is that when that blue moon comes I'm awake at the usual time and it takes a while to nod off again. And then I have to get up with youngest anyway an hour or so later as she is so conditioned to having nothing to do with my dh she doesn't trust him with the basics.

Your dh getting up might stop that kind of situation developing which would benefit him in the long-run.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 26/03/2015 17:51

That's the problem. At the moment he might every now and again take them but won't commit to doing so regularly and so I'm up as normal!

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 26/03/2015 17:59

Well he needs to commit, and you need to tell him clearly that he should not be checking out of parenting just because he works outside of the home. Honestly, it needs to be nipped in the bud now.

TwoOddSocks · 26/03/2015 17:59

Of all the excuses for not pulling your weight with the DC's "it's easier on you" to get up at 5:30am every day has to take the biscuit. If necessary get a calendar and mark on your lie in days in a big fat red pen and give him a count down nightly.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 26/03/2015 18:04

Well yes but he WON'T, is the issue.

OP posts:
Owllady · 26/03/2015 18:08

You need to have a serious chat with him

HolgerDanske · 26/03/2015 18:08

You mean that he seriously refuses to do it? That's awful Sad

Are there other problems in this relationship?

primarywannabe · 26/03/2015 18:11

Why are you with him? He is their dad, it's not an optional role.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 26/03/2015 18:13

Quite a few holger yeah - without wanting to drip feed! The problem is that he sees the children as 'my' job! So his time at home is his time. I recently told him to leave, but it was all so hard, I let him come back and a few things have changed but not enough.

OP posts:
meglet · 26/03/2015 18:23

if he doesn't want to commit then ltb. parenting is 50% your job and 50% his job. I hope he's not just picking the fun stuff.

XP refused to do things like this with the dc's. Even after sessions at relate.

DoJo · 26/03/2015 18:25

The problem is that he sees the children as 'my' job! So his time at home is his time.

So when's your time? The couple of hours between the children going to bed and waking up again in the night? Can he not see how monstrously unfair it is that you are on duty 24 hours a day and he is able to work for four days and then just absolve himself of responsibility for everything to do with your children the rest of the time? Did he how any understanding of the issues when he came back after you asked him to leave? Does he seem to care that you are close to the end of your tether?

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 26/03/2015 18:27

I don't think he does. Any childcare he does do is as a favour which isn't fair really!

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 26/03/2015 18:28

Just realised the relevance of the specific wording of your thread title.

Were you asking if it would be better to split for good and not have to grapple with a deadbeat dad and someone who isnt the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with? Because the answer to that is a definite yes.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 26/03/2015 18:32

Possibly! It's more that I've tried once well more than once actually! and it is SO disruptive for DCs. Plus circumstances seem to keep putting him back in my life Hmm

OP posts:
MadBannersAndCopPorn · 26/03/2015 19:02

Sorry to hear you're in this situation OP. Does he bring anything to the relationship? I'm sure nearly splitting often is more disruptive to DC than splitting properly once. Is he aware you're so unhappy?

HolgerDanske · 26/03/2015 19:25

If he isnt aware he's gotta be exceptionally obtuse given that ocean has tried to end it on several occasions. And if he does know, which i imagine he does, it's even worse as he just doesn't care, or isn't capable of changing his behaviour.

Why was it so difficult to split? And what circumstances have 'put him back in your life'?

Of course it's disruptive for the dcs, they will find it hard at first when things are changing. Everyone finds change scary. But if he's not a good parent or a good partner to you, I guarantee you they'll be in far more turmoil over the years, meanwhile you will be giving up your whole life for a man who doesnt even care.

nottheOP · 26/03/2015 19:27

Bring her into bed when she wakes up for the day. Unless you take turns, you both suffer.

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 26/03/2015 19:44

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